Redefining misanthropy for a fresh generation. Standard posts begin with a definition from Ambrose Bierce's The Devil's Dictionary followed by a modern adjustment. Miscellany on Wednesday and storytelling on Saturday.
Friday, January 13, 2006
Alcohol
Alcohol, n. ( Arabic Al Kohl, a paint for the eyes. ) The essential principle of all such liquids as give a man a black eye.
2006 Update: An astringent applied to the soul's face.
alcohol...a liberating substance that allows the user to shed moral and socially imposed masks. After sufficient lubrications those socially imposed inhibitions are lowered to the extend of superior movements, a bigger ego and overall happiness. This -of course- is all in the eye of the beerholder :)
As one from a long and wide bloodline of saloonkeepers, the true shamans of Western Civilization I relate from our traditions that specific spirits, much like herbs and plants, are known as cures for such maladies as teething, whooping cough, diarrhea, allergies, and the lack of such spirits does wonders for curing severe bouts with gout or the every-dreaded DTs.
I have always lusted after drinks that made me sick: Tequila Sunrises, White Russians ... anything sweet and syrupy that makes you gulp in haste and regret at leisure. But my favorite: Dorothy Parker on martinis, I think: "Two and I'm under the table. Three and I'm under the host." At least martinis are comparatively clean drinks ... you're not so likely to be sick all over the host. Memories. *Good Times* xoxo
BoHoMa: I saw about 50 people do the Chicken Dance at the Pennsylvania Farm Show a couple of days ago. It was almost scary, but I've seen it done at many wedding receptions, and train excursions, so I'm immune.
Great definitions, everyone!
Alcohol, n., the liquid that is behind many mysteries: Where am I? What happened to me? And who ARE you?
alcohol-the liquid that often replaces at least 4% of my body's water, often in competition with the 17% that coffee replaces (I'm drinking one of the two as I type this...but I'm not telling you which one...)
HA! That's a mouse in my hand Pascover! I'm not so think as you drunk I am.
I'm just naturally charming. Also witty. I notice you left out smart. Guess you're the one with a beer in your hand. Hrmpf. *wait a minute....what's going on here...*
Pia, you're gonna think it's funny, in Hungarian we call alcoholic drinks "pia" too. for example "Give me some pia or I'll die here." we also have a verb of it, "piál". "Where's Jim?" "I don't know, he piál with his stinky friends somewhere, the devil take them all." we also have an adjective of it, "piás" that means a person drinks often and a lot. "His mother is a big piás, you didn't know?"
Brilliant definition dear Doug! *bohemian applauds with oh-so-much zeal*
ReplyDeleteAlcohol~ Fiery substance that awakens the dormant chimpanzee in shocked looking bohemians...
OY! *bohemian bangs head against wall in remembrance*
Am I, could I... be first?
Yeah Baby Yeah! This Boho Mama is a rockin' today!
*bohemian does a chicken dance...*
Caution: The chicken dance is to be used with care and done only on joyful occasions... this one warrants it!
Alcohol: Perhaps the only instance it's acceptable to be discriminating and express a preference for whites.
ReplyDeleteAn accelerant for becoming even more stupid
ReplyDeletealcohol...a liberating substance that allows the user to shed moral and socially imposed masks.
ReplyDeleteAfter sufficient lubrications those socially imposed inhibitions are lowered to the extend of superior movements, a bigger ego and overall happiness. This -of course- is all in the eye of the beerholder :)
As one from a long and wide bloodline of saloonkeepers, the true shamans of Western Civilization I relate from our traditions that specific spirits, much like herbs and plants, are known as cures for such maladies as teething, whooping cough, diarrhea, allergies, and the lack of such spirits does wonders for curing severe bouts with gout or the every-dreaded DTs.
ReplyDeleteMiz B, I love "awakens the dormant chimpanzee," take another round of chicken dance.
ReplyDeleteSar, you mean other than laundry and hiring?
Good girl, Icy!
Haha, Monika, and what happened to the part about singing? 5 points for Beerholder.
Liz, I take it for whooping cough. It's not far from saloonkeeping to blogging, is it?
"And now,
ReplyDeletelet the weak say I am strong,
let the poor say I am rich..."
Apply liberally to alter one's perception of reality
Alcohol - nectar of the gods that makes that jerk reeeeeeally attractive.
ReplyDeleteAmbrose has outdone himself with this one. Pascover is too clever by half.
ReplyDeleteBut according to Karma, Al Kohl is an eye lubricant that enables one to see double.
oh, and i can see Monika is still under the influence
ducukti: Arabian sunglasses
Ariella, it does kinda make the crooked straight and the rough places plain, doesn't it?
ReplyDeleteJenna, it can't give a man floppy ears, though, by golly!
Karma, well done! Try on some of those ducukti.
Yeah but with booze - I'm not going to notice the floppy ears. Or a floppy anything.
ReplyDeleteI have always lusted after drinks that made me sick: Tequila Sunrises, White Russians ... anything sweet and syrupy that makes you gulp in haste and regret at leisure. But my favorite: Dorothy Parker on martinis, I think: "Two and I'm under the table. Three and I'm under the host." At least martinis are comparatively clean drinks ... you're not so likely to be sick all over the host. Memories. *Good Times* xoxo
ReplyDeletealcohol, n, exchanges the man you have children from for another one you'd have never married.
ReplyDeleteSad news Ariel.
ReplyDeleteAlcohol, n., Liquid which makes you think you are so smart, so charming, so witty. Also see, looks like a fool to me.
BoHoMa: I saw about 50 people do the Chicken Dance at the Pennsylvania Farm Show a couple of days ago. It was almost scary, but I've seen it done at many wedding receptions, and train excursions, so I'm immune.
ReplyDeleteGreat definitions, everyone!
Alcohol, n., the liquid that is behind many mysteries: Where am I? What happened to me? And who ARE you?
Has been known to make whole rooms whirl around.
Jenna, what brand?
ReplyDeleteMireille, you can take a walk down memory lane here anytime. That Dot!
Ariel, and don't forget the children's medium for explaining it.
TLP, you are charming and witty. I can tell by the beer in your hand.
Dddragon, Almost scary? That's some immunity. I'm laughing at your definition.
Shhhh. A girl needs her secrets. (*cough* anything)
ReplyDeletealcohol-the liquid that often replaces at least 4% of my body's water, often in competition with the 17% that coffee replaces (I'm drinking one of the two as I type this...but I'm not telling you which one...)
ReplyDeleteHA! That's a mouse in my hand Pascover! I'm not so think as you drunk I am.
ReplyDeleteI'm just naturally charming. Also witty. I notice you left out smart. Guess you're the one with a beer in your hand. Hrmpf. *wait a minute....what's going on here...*
I'll see mireille's Dorothy Parker, and I'll raise you an Ogden Nash:
ReplyDelete"Candy is dandy
But liquor is quicker."
Hahaha, Jenna. I actually keep that. Doesn't seem to help.
ReplyDeleteBottoms up in either case, Masil!
Nope, TLP. Mouse.
Flag on the play, AP3, I think you used that one on candy. Come back here!
My apology, AP3, that was Karma. Can't tell you Hindus apart half the time.
ReplyDeleteAlcohol: that faint alluring smell that tells you to scoop out the centerpiece fruit bowl.
ReplyDeleteRubbing alcohol kills the bad stuff. Drinking alcohol makes the bad stuff more tolerable.
ReplyDeleteMonika's "beerholder" comment is gooood!
Wow. I can't think of anything clever to say today. I need a drink.
ReplyDeletealcohol - A colorless liquid that half the population finds indespensible and the other half finds totally repugnant.
ReplyDeleteMe? I think it's indespensible. Tea, as in tea-totaler, tastes like a gremlin's ass...not that I speak from experience mind you.
Doug could you please do a K9 favor. Please vote for me today at http://dailypuppy.com woof woof
ReplyDeleteYou know, the guys are get prettier at closin' time.
ReplyDeleteIs it last call yet?
ALL get prettier....all not are...
ReplyDeleteam I cut off now?
wtfcacwnk: these verifiers are getting way too long for a drinking crowd. And too obvious...WTF, etc.
AP3 and Doug, let me repeat:
ReplyDelete"Candy is dandy
but sex won't rot your teeth"
methinks there is too much blood in my alcohol stream. wait, am i talking kamasutra here?
Alcohol: Bottled bravado.
ReplyDeleteCheers.
Rainbow, that's a very good conclusion to reach.
ReplyDeleteWasn't it, Jamie Dawn? I think you categorized the the stuff well, too.
Wine, I'm sure, Manchego.
Come on, Poobah, we want the story.
Cairo, I sure did. 11 biscuits, my friend. 11.
One more, TLP, then we'll see. If the verifier makes sense then yes.
Karma, that does sound familiar.
Bottom's up, Alice.
Hindus <♥> Ogden Nash?
ReplyDeleteAs Doug discovered, alcohol is an inflammatory chemical that can get out of hand quickly.
ReplyDeletearecz: wha that durn car got (hic!) into on way home!
alcohol: liquor might be quicker but candy lasts longer--on the hips
ReplyDeletealcohol: gives me a headache as I drink it; kinds of takes any pleasure out of something supposed to be pleasurable--but I wasn't always like this
Pia, you're gonna think it's funny, in Hungarian we call alcoholic drinks "pia" too. for example "Give me some pia or I'll die here." we also have a verb of it, "piál". "Where's Jim?" "I don't know, he piál with his stinky friends somewhere, the devil take them all." we also have an adjective of it, "piás" that means a person drinks often and a lot. "His mother is a big piás, you didn't know?"
ReplyDeleteHaha, Aral, I think you're thinking of Red Sox Nation, your other tribe.
ReplyDeleteClever, Pia!
Oh, Ariel, I hope that's true. I'm laughing in either case. By any chance does "Doug" mean "triple cheeseburger" in Hungarian?
Oh, Weirsdo, apologies. I think the Sumerians discovered it. My experiment was conclusive, though.
ReplyDeleteHow could I miss this one? I even have a beer right here in front of me.
ReplyDeleteActon, we must be more prompt checking Doug's blog. We're missing out on all the spirt(s).
Thanks, Actonbell. I hope this wasn't the only Friday night alcohol.
ReplyDeleteDid you bring enough for everyone, Fred?
Alcohol: Can be used to clean surfaces, also to wipe minds clean.
ReplyDelete