Redefining misanthropy for a fresh generation. Standard posts begin with a definition from Ambrose Bierce's The Devil's Dictionary followed by a modern adjustment. Miscellany on Wednesday and storytelling on Saturday.
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Abduction
ABDUCTION, n. In law, a crime; in morals, a punishment.
2006 Update: A form of theft more egregious than mugging and less painful to the victim than fraud. An in vivo trademark violation.
"Stop this! Where are you taking me?" "It has been enough!" "Let go off me, what the hell are you talking about!" "You always being first is a pain in the ass, I am kidnapping you and rest assured no ransom money can bring you back!" "All right then, so how is Hungary this time of year?"
*Minka is pulled away behind a huge shadow of foreign authority*
Abduction~ State of being oftentimes reffered to as on hiatus, or not picked up, or perhaps dropped, when referring to things of beauty, objects of art, visual masterpieces as were Huff and Deadwood (that one's for you hermano... although a visual masterpiece?) that were crushed, I TELL YOU, CRUSHED AND MURDERED by the evil aggressor that is Showtime...
DAMN YOU SHOWTIME!!!!
*Psssst... is she she still on that?*
What are y'all whispering about? Damn straight! I'm milkin' my anger and sorrow for what it's worth! Fo' sho'!
Through "abduction" the executives at Showtime saw less than desirable ratings for Huff and came to the conclusion that it was a bad show...inference is sometimes misleading and causes one to overlook the less obvious.
Has anyone noticed that alien "abductions" seem to be out of vogue? Are they happening less or are they more common place and therefore less newsworthy?
ABDUCTION, n. When Dr. Faustus covets his neighbor's sixpack. Soul food - for Mephistopheles.
I'm com ... Damn this language. Nothing's safe in it any more. I'm riding, Minka. The Amoeba in Shining Armor to the rescue. Wha ... Stop laughing, already! Sheesh. Guy makes an effort, and this is the thanks I ... Ow! Hey! Put me down! Where do you think you're ... No! Not the antibiotics! Aaaaaaaaa....
Abduction is one of my favorite types of missions (snatch and go of an HVT). That being said, I think I'm going to hop back in my spacecraft now. Joel, I'm off to make some news.
Joel: Extraterrestrials don't worry about being in vogue. So, I think it must be because most of us have been abducted at some point, and it's old hat.
But don't quote me on that, 'cause some of the visitors here have an aversion to the truth about UFOs, especially if the abduction took place in Mexico. They're just intractable about it. My abductors wore beanies and had a big appetite for chocolate. I regret that I am allowed to reveal nothing more about the whole thing.
When I was little, this girl down the street from me was, um, a tad paranoid. Every time a van would go by, she'd grab my arm and yank me down behind a car because she was sure it was a kidnappers van and they were going to abduct us. I don't even want to know what kind of stories her parents told her. Not that we (meaning me) didn't egg her on a little. "Hey! Isn't that van suspicious? Just sitting there, engine idling? You should go tell your mom!" I don't thing she ever noticed the Enmax logo. Ahh...good times on my block. Good times indeed.
Abduction: what Miz B should do with the bigwigs at Showtime to bring back her beloved Huff.
Abduction; opposite to Adduction. Who ever said you couldn't learn something from watching exercise videos? The trick is to sit real still on the couch and pay close attention :-)
Move over Kyah, I need to get a look at this so I can fit into my skin tight leathers and join MizB. Sorry about your loss MizB, I know there are others who share in your pain and well, I don't have Showtime (I think or I had it free for a month or...)
Since all my blog friends visit you Doug, I am here to say that I have not been abducted....well maybe I have??? I have been getting ready for my 5 soon to be.....after son's marriage....Danish family members and my son soon to be the 6th member of said family. I have been finishing art work, and cleaning, cleaning, cleaning and planing and cooking, so yes I have been abducted. And, yes!!!, this is a definate abduction!!!! of Doug's blog for announcement. Thank you Doug :)
Jenna, scaring children into fear of abduction is just about the most wholesome game worth playing.
Hermanita, how could you have learned so little about men?
You want fries with that, Mistress Anna? Electrical tape?
Kyahgirl, shh. It's hard to hear over the potato chips.
G, give it a shot. If you don't like it you can stop anytime.
Mo'a, it's nice to see you even when I'm blindfolded and beaten. Do you mind checking on Minka while you're here? Rescue her, but please don't teach her to spell "definitely"
Hey...it entertained us. I wonder if she's still afraid of Chevy Vans. Plus I'm only a year older than her. What did I know? I was just tired of being yanked behind cars, trucks, campers, trees, bushes, garbage cans. The girl was nuts. Nuts. Trust me. Nuts.
Ooh Miz B...we have a second adventure! To rescue Minka from her abductors. Who better than a couple of foxy ladees in leather? k-kish indeed!
I hope Minka has managed to escape from her abductors. I'm willing to put together a covert team to rescue her if need be. My skill is The Basebal Bat Swing. I'm willing to put together a mission to save the penguin.
Joel: People just don't talk about their alien abductions any more, but everyone I know has been alien probed at least once.
LOL Monika!!! and I thought ÁVH is history, geez, little did I know... do you think your government could talk to my government? :-P
abduction is one way of reproduction. that's how we, Hungarians, started our history. the guys were out for some deer with golden horns, but it kept making fool of them, so finally they came home with some women. and here we are.
Jamie, you can put that baseball bat down! I can imagine you doing some serious damage with that! I am still in hiding *g, will you get a new lightbulb already?* but feeling better already...
I've lost my sidekick. Do you think Showtime abducted her to shut her up?
I was talking to my brother and he reminded me of the time when he abducted my Cabbage Patch Doll, Christina Helena (what was I thinking?!?!), and when I couldn't pay the ransom he... he... he... (tearing up - just a second) he hung her from the tree in the front yard. With my jump rope from rhythm gym. That... that... that... monster.
No! I am here! The dentist had me in his grips but I made it out! Phew! Whipped his sweet patootie I did! K-KISH BABY!
Hey!!! MINKA! Go back so we can save you DAMMIT!!! Do you know how hard it is to be comfortable in 35 degrees Celcius with skintight leather on on a dentist's chair, whip in hand?
Hermanito, I KNOW y'all do and will! MEOW!
If I could say more I would say men are our bitches when the leather comes on but I won't!
I think I am staying right where I am. But I would like to invite you all Friday at aroun 16 german time, to my sister´s place. We´ll watch the games and she´ll make soemthign to chew. I bet she won´t mind! :) Todya when I told her to find the nearest widescreen in her city, so I can watch the games with thousands of others she said "Nur ueber meine Leiche!" which translates: Ove rmy dead body. Sometimes I wonder how we can be related...she hasnæt an inch of football appreciation in her blood!!! And donæt get me started on her husband....
Ha! Ha! MizB's gonna get a lecture from Doug! Ha! Ha! And question: what time does Minka have to get up in order to be first? I mean, just ballpark. (that's approximately, Minka. ♥ ) Also, "die Leiche" a corpse? *so much to learn, so little time* xoxo
so, you know... abduct someone, make a "booty" call? (for a ransom? which is *like* a booty??) hahaha??
you're right. it's a stretch. apparently meeting the delightful/delicious G today has warped my fragile little mind. i'll go away like the good girl i am... and try again tomorrow. sigh
I remember that story, Karma. You went to a village named after the girl and would I be right to think the absuctor was Shiva? The Ganges starts near there, right?
Holy toledo, Puppytoes! You met G? Real life G? Your forgiven for making me think you were referring to this.
when i can stop laughing, i will try to respond to that. of course, my response will be pathetic because... oh. my. god.
you know, doug, for a curmudgeon, you're funny.
and not only did i meet G... we had lunch AND coffee and we talked and talked and talked... and i'm pretty sure she's never going to let me come out to visit again, because i basically abducted her for over 2 1/2 hours! (she's everything you hoped she'd be... and more.)
Puppybrose, that reminds of what the wife of David Duchovny said of her husband: he's not the man of my dreams, he's better. (just thought it's sounds romantic. :))
Puppybrose, I'm with Kyahgirl. That sounds like a great time and worth hearing about.
Ariel, in spite my best efforts, tenderness seems to grow here. I googled "Luv-B-Gon" and they don't seem to make it anymore.
Minke, Ich vestehe halb und habe halb ein antwort. Wenn du sprichst über das bild, am anfang Ich der name benutzte aber deine Mutter's name ist zu nähe.
Listen, I believe after I arrived back to my office and waved the fun and lovely Puppytoes adieu(Kyah, there was no excessive sniffing, so she behaved nicely) I must have been abducted by aliens! Because that was my last contact with the Blogosphere! I don't remember much and I'm just left with a vague feeling as if I've been under ether for the past 18 hours...
Kyah - Puppytoes and I were so busy talking, we took not one pic! We're both too ADD to have been that prepared! Ahhh, it was a fine time had. Now, I'm just laughing at all that I've missed here.
*huge grin and pointing fingers at all of you*
ReplyDelete"Stop this! Where are you taking me?"
ReplyDelete"It has been enough!"
"Let go off me, what the hell are you talking about!"
"You always being first is a pain in the ass, I am kidnapping you and rest assured no ransom money can bring you back!"
"All right then, so how is Hungary this time of year?"
*Minka is pulled away behind a huge shadow of foreign authority*
Ha! First after Minka! Yay Minx!!!
ReplyDeleteI always wondered why the word abduct wasn't more concerned with water. You know, like aquaduct or tear duct.
No takers. Meh. I got nothin' today. But i was 3rd!!!
Abduction, n.,: Liposuction on your stomach.
ReplyDeleteAbduction: Calgon, take me away!
ReplyDeleteAbduction~ State of being oftentimes reffered to as on hiatus, or not picked up, or perhaps dropped, when referring to things of beauty, objects of art, visual masterpieces as were Huff and Deadwood (that one's for you hermano... although a visual masterpiece?) that were crushed, I TELL YOU, CRUSHED AND MURDERED by the evil aggressor that is Showtime...
ReplyDeleteDAMN YOU SHOWTIME!!!!
*Psssst... is she she still on that?*
What are y'all whispering about? Damn straight! I'm milkin' my anger and sorrow for what it's worth! Fo' sho'!
Through "abduction" the executives at Showtime saw less than desirable ratings for Huff and came to the conclusion that it was a bad show...inference is sometimes misleading and causes one to overlook the less obvious.
ReplyDelete*in a lonely cell somwhere in the East of Europe, shovelling her way through walls of stone and reaching an un-occupied computer...*
ReplyDeleteabduction, n. The perfect indicator of your worth within your family.
Brian...thanks for trying! :)
Abduction: The worst best thing to being there.
ReplyDeleteOr should it be "The least best thing to being there" or "The least best thing to not being there."
ReplyDeleteWhy do you confuse us with such words?
Has anyone noticed that alien "abductions" seem to be out of vogue? Are they happening less or are they more common place and therefore less newsworthy?
ReplyDeleteABDUCTION, n. When Dr. Faustus covets his neighbor's sixpack. Soul food - for Mephistopheles.
ReplyDeleteI'm com ... Damn this language. Nothing's safe in it any more. I'm riding, Minka. The Amoeba in Shining Armor to the rescue. Wha ... Stop laughing, already! Sheesh. Guy makes an effort, and this is the thanks I ... Ow! Hey! Put me down! Where do you think you're ... No! Not the antibiotics! Aaaaaaaaa....
:)
Abduction is one of my favorite types of missions (snatch and go of an HVT). That being said, I think I'm going to hop back in my spacecraft now. Joel, I'm off to make some news.
ReplyDeleteabduction, n. home renovation.
ReplyDeleteJoel, I am sure it's the latter.
Minka, psssst, Minka! Hide under my shade and I'll get you out of here. Scuffle, scuffle, break - hey who turned out the lights?!
ReplyDeleteJoel: Extraterrestrials don't worry about being in vogue. So, I think it must be because most of us have been abducted at some point, and it's old hat.
ReplyDeleteBut don't quote me on that, 'cause some of the visitors here have an aversion to the truth about UFOs, especially if the abduction took place in Mexico. They're just intractable about it. My abductors wore beanies and had a big appetite for chocolate. I regret that I am allowed to reveal nothing more about the whole thing.
Minka, I didn't think you'd go that easily.
ReplyDeleteMinxie, I think it's named after duct tape. Quack.
Brian, maybe you can get her over the moat with a poetic bridge.
TLP, don't hint if you have something you want to say to me.
Hey, where'd Sar go? It's the rapture for Democrats!
There, there, hermana. Don't get yourself all in a huff. Oh, wait, you can't.
Joel, it's sad that goodness isn't obvious, although it isn't unless you see the show which I haven't.
Minka, that tin can can't hold you.
I don't know which is better, Indie, but by now you're in the trunk.
Joel, there are so many competing ways to get probed nowadays.
O Ceallaigh, tell big brother for $100 I'll take you and Minka back.
Jake, have fun stealing the terrorists!
G, that's using your head. Well rescued.
TLP, did they have pet turtles?
When I was little, this girl down the street from me was, um, a tad paranoid. Every time a van would go by, she'd grab my arm and yank me down behind a car because she was sure it was a kidnappers van and they were going to abduct us. I don't even want to know what kind of stories her parents told her. Not that we (meaning me) didn't egg her on a little. "Hey! Isn't that van suspicious? Just sitting there, engine idling? You should go tell your mom!" I don't thing she ever noticed the Enmax logo. Ahh...good times on my block. Good times indeed.
ReplyDeleteAbduction: what Miz B should do with the bigwigs at Showtime to bring back her beloved Huff.
Ooooh! Could this be our latest mission Chief? Could it? Is it?
ReplyDeleteSkintight leathers are on as is the whip in hand! SHOWTIME BEWARE! HERE COME SOME ANGRY LADEES AND WE MEAN B'NESS!
Abduction... what my dentist is to do to me in 45 minutes... will this damn crown saga ever end?
To be continued...
Covert snatch and run - criminal drive thru.
ReplyDeleteAbduction; opposite to Adduction. Who ever said you couldn't learn something from watching exercise videos? The trick is to sit real still on the couch and pay close attention :-)
ReplyDeleteMove over Kyah, I need to get a look at this so I can fit into my skin tight leathers and join MizB. Sorry about your loss MizB, I know there are others who share in your pain and well, I don't have Showtime (I think or I had it free for a month or...)
ReplyDeleteOops, so tempting this abduction thing.
Since all my blog friends visit you Doug, I am here to say that I have not been abducted....well maybe I have??? I have been getting ready for my 5 soon to be.....after son's marriage....Danish family members and my son soon to be the 6th member of said family.
ReplyDeleteI have been finishing art work, and cleaning, cleaning, cleaning and planing and cooking, so yes I have been abducted. And, yes!!!, this is a definate abduction!!!! of Doug's blog for announcement. Thank you Doug :)
This isn't the Miss America Contest?
ReplyDeleteHelp, I've been adbucted into a world of geeks and intellectuals!
Jenna, scaring children into fear of abduction is just about the most wholesome game worth playing.
ReplyDeleteHermanita, how could you have learned so little about men?
You want fries with that, Mistress Anna? Electrical tape?
Kyahgirl, shh. It's hard to hear over the potato chips.
G, give it a shot. If you don't like it you can stop anytime.
Mo'a, it's nice to see you even when I'm blindfolded and beaten. Do you mind checking on Minka while you're here? Rescue her, but please don't teach her to spell "definitely"
Actually, MAW, this is mainly a dogpark.
Oh, and my verifier is "dummbti." Anybody?
An off-leash dogpark. Although the ties that bind keep any of us from being abducted by another Ambrose Bierce-specialty blog. xoxo
ReplyDeleteHey...it entertained us. I wonder if she's still afraid of Chevy Vans. Plus I'm only a year older than her. What did I know? I was just tired of being yanked behind cars, trucks, campers, trees, bushes, garbage cans. The girl was nuts. Nuts. Trust me. Nuts.
ReplyDeleteOoh Miz B...we have a second adventure! To rescue Minka from her abductors. Who better than a couple of foxy ladees in leather? k-kish indeed!
I hope Minka has managed to escape from her abductors. I'm willing to put together a covert team to rescue her if need be. My skill is The Basebal Bat Swing.
ReplyDeleteI'm willing to put together a mission to save the penguin.
Joel: People just don't talk about their alien abductions any more, but everyone I know has been alien probed at least once.
Doug: Your response to Miss Amer. W. is funny.
By Applying Deduction to Abduction, I believe I am left with nothing
ReplyDeleteWhen I was 16 I seriously believed that aliens abducted me. I kid you not. Maybe someday I shall blog about it. Wait... did I just do that?
ReplyDeleteOooh! Jamie Dawn is on board! Yes, baseball bat swingers are in high demand? Now, would you prefer a catsuit or short shorts? Hmmm?
Chief, it's on!
Hermanito... huh?
Good, I like dogs, especially when they are unleashed. I'll stay. When is an abduction no longer an abduction but a detour?
ReplyDeleteWho wants to go in that crummy competition anyway? The singing, the prancing around under the hot lights, the duct tape under the bathing suit! Pah!
Doug: Duct tape with a side of ranch dressing and some tossed piano wire.
ReplyDeleteLOL Monika!!! and I thought ÁVH is history, geez, little did I know... do you think your government could talk to my government? :-P
ReplyDeleteabduction is one way of reproduction. that's how we, Hungarians, started our history. the guys were out for some deer with golden horns, but it kept making fool of them, so finally they came home with some women. and here we are.
Jamie, you can put that baseball bat down! I can imagine you doing some serious damage with that! I am still in hiding *g, will you get a new lightbulb already?* but feeling better already...
ReplyDeleteHiding? What'd you do? Fake your abduction?
ReplyDeleteHey...we slapped on leathers to save you.
Someone kidnap her so we can rescue her. Sigh.
Miz B: A catsuit for me.. MEOW!! I look hideous in short shorts.
ReplyDeleteMinka: I was ready to bust some heads! Now, I've got this bat and nobody to hit. Crud!
If you have been alien abducted but not probed, then you have truly missed out. It's like ordering pizza and finding out they've run out of pepperoni.
Abduction~ What apparently occurred to my little grey cells, I seem to have lost the use of them.
ReplyDeleteAh, Mireille, the ties that bind stretch just fine.
ReplyDeleteJenna, I think I saw this episode of Charlie's Angels.
Jamie Dawn, I'm in but this sounds like a trap.
VI, try induction.
Hermana, I meant if you think we surrender to women in skintight leather.
MAW, right and there are no judges to favor. If O Ceallaigh shows up in a black robe, just tell him I said no judges.
Mistress, sounds like a recipe for spy salad.
Ariel, go ahead and play innocent. We're all convinced.
Minka, wilkommen ins Deutschland. Now quit digging.
Jenna, you were wearing those already. Who do you think you're kidding?
Hahahaha, Jamie Dawn! You aren't right, but you're funny.
Logo, maybe you put them down somewhere. Did you look in your head?
I've lost my sidekick. Do you think Showtime abducted her to shut her up?
ReplyDeleteI was talking to my brother and he reminded me of the time when he abducted my Cabbage Patch Doll, Christina Helena (what was I thinking?!?!), and when I couldn't pay the ransom he... he... he... (tearing up - just a second) he hung her from the tree in the front yard. With my jump rope from rhythm gym. That... that... that... monster.
I'm sorry... I need a moment.
Forced Induction
ReplyDeleteTurbocharge
or
supercharge?
geez, Jenna, that's a hard story. Monika, do not worry, we don't do that!
ReplyDeleteAbduction: Grabbing the first place here at Doug's blog.
ReplyDeleteGood abduction, Minka!
No! I am here! The dentist had me in his grips but I made it out! Phew! Whipped his sweet patootie I did! K-KISH BABY!
ReplyDeleteHey!!! MINKA! Go back so we can save you DAMMIT!!! Do you know how hard it is to be comfortable in 35 degrees Celcius with skintight leather on on a dentist's chair, whip in hand?
Hermanito, I KNOW y'all do and will! MEOW!
If I could say more I would say men are our bitches when the leather comes on but I won't!
I think I am staying right where I am. But I would like to invite you all Friday at aroun 16 german time, to my sister´s place. We´ll watch the games and she´ll make soemthign to chew. I bet she won´t mind! :)
ReplyDeleteTodya when I told her to find the nearest widescreen in her city, so I can watch the games with thousands of others she said "Nur ueber meine Leiche!" which translates: Ove rmy dead body.
Sometimes I wonder how we can be related...she hasnæt an inch of football appreciation in her blood!!! And donæt get me started on her husband....
if an abduction takes place, and no one notices, is the person missing?
ReplyDeletexvxqcq: vexing query creates extra quadary
Ha! Ha! MizB's gonna get a lecture from Doug! Ha! Ha! And question: what time does Minka have to get up in order to be first? I mean, just ballpark. (that's approximately, Minka. ♥ ) Also, "die Leiche" a corpse? *so much to learn, so little time* xoxo
ReplyDeleteAbduction: excuse for a booty call.
ReplyDeleteJenna, that's no way to treat a sister. Just ask mine.
ReplyDeleteTake a check, VI?
Ariel, speak for yourself. Some of us may want to invade.
No trouble, Brian. If I see her, I'll send her home.
Princess, Minka's incorrigible.
Hermana, thanks for your discretion.
Minka, tell your sister Wir kömmen über jemann's leiche und hoffen nicht sein.
Puppybrose, that's a fantastic question. What if there's no-one to ask?
Mireille, remember Minka lives in Iceland. 7 Hours later than I do.
a4g, that's either up-to-the minute timely or I don't get it.
Puppybrose, that's either really, really wrong or I don't get it. Oh! Runaway bridish?
How many languages do you speak, Doug? :D
ReplyDeleteI'm back from my internship abduction and wanted to say howdy.
ReplyDeletelet me re-tell a story i heard while passing a village during a trek into the Himalayas:
ReplyDeleteLong ago, there was a beautiful girl living there, with the sweetest voice. she was the joy and pride of the community.
a spirit living in the nearby forest was also enchanted by the singing, and one night, went to the girl's hut and abducted her.
a week later, the girl was returned to her village, without her voice.
there goes my stupid sense of humor again...
ReplyDeletebooty: A valuable prize, award, or gain.
so, you know... abduct someone, make a "booty" call? (for a ransom? which is *like* a booty??) hahaha??
you're right. it's a stretch. apparently meeting the delightful/delicious G today has warped my fragile little mind. i'll go away like the good girl i am... and try again tomorrow. sigh
Actually, Princess, none. I'm tri-pretentious.
ReplyDeleteHowdy, Aral! For the day or did you get canned?
I remember that story, Karma. You went to a village named after the girl and would I be right to think the absuctor was Shiva? The Ganges starts near there, right?
Holy toledo, Puppytoes! You met G? Real life G? Your forgiven for making me think you were referring to this.
when i can stop laughing, i will try to respond to that. of course, my response will be pathetic because... oh. my. god.
ReplyDeleteyou know, doug, for a curmudgeon, you're funny.
and not only did i meet G... we had lunch AND coffee and we talked and talked and talked... and i'm pretty sure she's never going to let me come out to visit again, because i basically abducted her for over 2 1/2 hours! (she's everything you hoped she'd be... and more.)
puppybrose, I hope you will be kind enough to regale us with stories. You did take photos didn't you????
ReplyDeletePuppybrose, that reminds of what the wife of David Duchovny said of her husband: he's not the man of my dreams, he's better. (just thought it's sounds romantic. :))
ReplyDeleteDoug, wenn ich ihr das erzaehle wird sie mir den Umgang mit Dir verbieten!
ReplyDeleteWirklich!
Puppybrose, I'm with Kyahgirl. That sounds like a great time and worth hearing about.
ReplyDeleteAriel, in spite my best efforts, tenderness seems to grow here. I googled "Luv-B-Gon" and they don't seem to make it anymore.
Minke, Ich vestehe halb und habe halb ein antwort. Wenn du sprichst über das bild, am anfang Ich der name benutzte aber deine Mutter's name ist zu nähe.
My only in vivo trademark is my poop and I share that freely with anybody.
ReplyDeleteListen, I believe after I arrived back to my office and waved the fun and lovely Puppytoes adieu(Kyah, there was no excessive sniffing, so she behaved nicely) I must have been abducted by aliens! Because that was my last contact with the Blogosphere! I don't remember much and I'm just left with a vague feeling as if I've been under ether for the past 18 hours...
ReplyDeleteKyah - Puppytoes and I were so busy talking, we took not one pic! We're both too ADD to have been that prepared! Ahhh, it was a fine time had. Now, I'm just laughing at all that I've missed here.
Minka, Ich verstehe jetzt. Eine witze, nicht mehr. Nur ein witzchen. Liebes Gott!
ReplyDeleteIcy, and that's why you're loved by all.
G, that's very neat that that happened. It happens too rarely.
Meekmok hobby!!!
ReplyDeletethe alien abduction?
ReplyDelete