Redefining misanthropy for a fresh generation. Standard posts begin with a definition from Ambrose Bierce's The Devil's Dictionary followed by a modern adjustment. Miscellany on Wednesday and storytelling on Saturday.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Giraffe
GIRAFFE, n. An animal that loves to bathe its fevered brow in the mists of dizzy altitudes, and supplies its own pinnacle for the occasion, whence it overlooks you like a step-ladder.
Giraffe: But for its hoofed feet, long legs, fringed tail, brown mane, short knobbed horns, spotted fur coat, tough lips, long tongue, and six meter height, an animal very much like a poodle.
Giraffe, n. 1. The opposite of Rick in Casablanca. Remember? He said, "I don't stick my neck out for nobody." 2. A horse designed by a committee with a sense of humor. 3. The snootiest of animals. He looks down on everybody.
Giraffe: Though not as dramatic a sign as the Anteater, a clear indication that God does indeed have a sense of humor, or perhaps, had sampled a few too many mushrooms (the good kind) during that portion of creation.
I'm 40-something, can I get a giraffe? He could fit in our backyard. Now that would be a stretch - we'll just bypass goldfish, kitten, puppy and go right to giraffe!
GIRAFFE, n. A creature bearing neither resemblance nor relation to the fox. The two animals do not even share a vocabulary, the giraffe being too busy eating the grapes that the fox said were sour.
The giraffe has, however, been known to complain about putrid potatoes.
*smack* Of course I'm wholesome Doug! I went to Luther! :) Actually you'll be happy to know my sister in law thinks I'm a bad influence on her son because .... I let him listen to the barenaked ladies in my car. Its true... I'm not all that wholesome!
This reminds me of when I taught day care and I would get my toddlers to sing Old McDonald's Farm to incorporate all sorts of jungle creatures. Whe it came to the giraffe, what did he say?....
Giraffe: a tall quadriped once known as a "cameleopard" despite it being neither camel nor leopard. Has as many bones in its neck as you do (seven) but uses them more efficiently than you.
In my college vertebrate anatomy class I remember the teacher telling us something about how if a giraffe were to lift his head too quickly, it would explode because the length of the neck affected the blood flow or something, I can't remember why. Anyone know? He was a very dry professor, so I'm quite certain he wasn't kidding.
Hahahaha, Actonbell. Vintage. Take that, Punnybrose.
Ah, Brian, Andrew Jackson, not Stonewall.
Mushroom, it's darn near a pentaped. How do you know how efficiently I might use my neckbones if I had a neck?
Squaregirl, as a physics geek you probably realize that there is a speed at which that would happen but it would probably require pullies and a motorcycle.
Tell us, Kyahgirl. Tell us about Gerome.
Minka, "G" is getting kind of sparse, I'll admit.
Jamie Dawn, it sounds hitonious.
Why, howdy, Cindra Jo and welcome. I'm supporting you, your husband, Logo and the Village Idiot in the contest. It's tough when all your friends are nominated.
When it says goodbye You don't hear it sigh Does that it mean That it's gone far far away Is this your day to Buy a paper Draw a mustache Make the mayor a GIRAFFE Try and tempt fate Get pneumonia Recuperate with soy bologna
Can you hear the rain a ploppin' slowly With a soft and soapy thud Don't you worry about a moppin', sholy You'll only find yourself with mud Mayfalta una maleta Mayfalta una maleta
When you go to bed Lay your fuzzy head By the nightstand Where you turned off your phone Nobody's home, now Ride the subway Make graffiti Go to Famous Ray's Buy ziti Get the paper No more artwork Make the mayor a GIRAFFE
Cindra Jo, if I come in fourth would be a bad time to introduce yourself. Of course it is.
Zenfo, my koalas are perfect.
Old Mule, that was good for a big laugh. Thanks.
Right, Quilldancer, this one is one of my favorites.
Shayna, that was doubly funny to me. Santa Clarita doesn't have a mayor, but I've met the mayor of Los Angeles on several occasions and he's about 3'1"
Lol! Thanks, Doug. I wanted to tell you, I didn't come up with that name myself .... Well, I did, for the initial post, but not for the blog. One of my readers suggested the change. I'm working on my next story right now.
GIRAFFE, n. An animal that loves to bathe its fevered brow in the mists of dizzy altitudes, and supplies its own pinnacle for the occasion, whence it overlooks you like a step-ladder.
Geoffrey! You know, the Toys R Us giraffe. A giraffe is the one who stuck his neck out too far...
ReplyDeleteSC
Today's word is Giraffe? Seriously? That's a stretch even for Bierce.
ReplyDeleteI want a pet giraff!
ReplyDeleteGiraffe: But for its hoofed feet, long legs, fringed tail, brown mane, short knobbed horns, spotted fur coat, tough lips, long tongue, and six meter height, an animal very much like a poodle.
ReplyDeleteI can't get past the Sagging Koala. That's just too funny!
ReplyDeleteGiraffe, n. 1. The opposite of Rick in Casablanca. Remember? He said, "I don't stick my neck out for nobody." 2. A horse designed by a committee with a sense of humor. 3. The snootiest of animals. He looks down on everybody.
ReplyDeleteSolace of course I know Geoffrey. I was young once. No, seriously, I've seen pictures.
ReplyDeleteHaha, Sar. For me too.
Boy. Maybe when you're older. 40-something.
Exactly like a poodle, a. But for that.
Thanks, Dusty. Woof.
Giraffe: Though not as dramatic a sign as the Anteater, a clear indication that God does indeed have a sense of humor, or perhaps, had sampled a few too many mushrooms (the good kind) during that portion of creation.
ReplyDeleteJust one more and I'll stop (though this is kinda addictive) --
ReplyDeleteGiraffe: (2) Camelopardis, if (while observing from between lats 90 and -10 deg) you correctly connect the glowing dots at RA 6 hours, dec 70 degrees.
one of best Ann Landers best advice lines, *ever*: “You need that guy like a giraffe needs strep throat.”
ReplyDeletesorry... i know that, too, is a stretch.
Australian epithet. As in Get giraffe outta here, mate! *well, if this is what you give us to work with, this is what you're going to get*
ReplyDeletexoxo
Knock, knock
ReplyDeleteWho's there?
Giraffe
Giraffe, who?
Giraffe to admit, this is a hard word to work with.
You were young once? Wow! I'm kidding. I miss the old Geoffrey... the REAL Geoffrey. I really don't hang out in toy stores!
ReplyDeleteAndrew, this could be the start of a beautiful friendship.
ReplyDeleteJoel, that or the world's most selfish gene.
A, I see you were one of the shy ones (see my response to you on "Geology") Play all you want to, fun for you is fun for us.
Puppybrose, I don't even have to read the letter to know it's true. Hurray for the knock-knock joke. You elevate us.
Mireille, you mean I was asking for it?
Restraining order, Solace, or just busy?
as the old man said when he visited the ZOO with his family, and they stood in front of the giraffes, "Now, animals like that don't exist."
ReplyDeleteveshg: vestal for my hedgehog
Giraffe: one of the cages we spend the longest at the zoo to see the new baby.
ReplyDeleteI'm 40-something, can I get a giraffe? He could fit in our backyard. Now that would be a stretch - we'll just bypass goldfish, kitten, puppy and go right to giraffe!
ReplyDeletegiraffe n. the last animal God fashioned, put together with left-over parts from the leopard, camel, cow and ostrich.
ReplyDeleteGiraffe... spotty and loooooong...
ReplyDeleteYeah, goes to show you how alert I am! Oy!
lvkfmvn- Love Kiefer in my van! Ooooweee!
Giraffe? What the...I can't work with this. Do you know how hard I'd have to reach for a definition? Bah.
ReplyDeleteAriel, the old man was right.
ReplyDeleteCJ, your life always sounds so wholesome. Tell me there are bodies hidden under your privets.
G, as long as you use your own money and Tali says it's ok.
Quilldancer, I tried so hard to find a way to use "upside down ostrich." Well done.
Yes, Miz B and don't tell me that isn't one bohemian animal.
Jenna, see this as a growth opportunity. If you can write a philandering werewolf, there has to be something you can say about a giraffe.
Oookay.
ReplyDeleteOookay.
ReplyDeleteOk, information ever published about giraffes
ReplyDeleteGiraffes? Giraffes!
Golly, I hoped that worked.
Oh, and also
Vote for Logo!
Blogger is a hater, ggrrrr
ReplyDeleteANYWAY,
I was so worried about my code I forget all the words.
BEST book ever published...
Now if Blogger will just publish THIS
forGOT,
ReplyDeleteoh for the love of...
I am leaving
word veri~ fekyu
Yup, sounds about right.
Be honest, this is your contribution to HNT, right? (Half-*Neck*id-Thursday)
ReplyDeleteGiraffe a way of messin' with our minds, Dawg...
GIRAFFE, n. A creature bearing neither resemblance nor relation to the fox. The two animals do not even share a vocabulary, the giraffe being too busy eating the grapes that the fox said were sour.
ReplyDeleteThe giraffe has, however, been known to complain about putrid potatoes.
Logo: Based on that bold recommendation, I went to the link and read up and promptly ordered my very own copy!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the info!
Giraffe: Someone who sticks his neck out, vertically, instead of horizontally.
ReplyDeletegiraffe-the last animal you want to rear end in a car accident.
ReplyDeleteThe Giraffe Heroes Project
ReplyDeleteGiraffe: Dr. Doolittle's ride (in the Rex Harrison version)
*smack* Of course I'm wholesome Doug! I went to Luther!
ReplyDelete:) Actually you'll be happy to know my sister in law thinks I'm a bad influence on her son because .... I let him listen to the barenaked ladies in my car. Its true... I'm not all that wholesome!
This reminds me of when I taught day care and I would get my toddlers to sing Old McDonald's Farm to incorporate all sorts of jungle creatures.
ReplyDeleteWhe it came to the giraffe, what did he say?....
"Blink! Blink!" ofcourse.
Got to use those long lashes for something.
G, as long as we understand each other, young lady.
ReplyDeleteHaha, logo. Thank you for the suggested reading. Sorry Blogger was unkind.
Punnybrose, I don't even do puns of HNT.
O Ceallaigh, I bet the giraffe finds the other side of the tunnel ugly.
Indie, that's every assistant Vice President on Earth.
Nonesense, Brian. Sharp as a hickory switch as ever.
Masil, that would be a hippo with indigestion.
Dddragon, I'll have to check the links later but thanks.
CJ, they taught you nothing? That's the music of the devil! I haven't heard it but I just bet.
ReplyDeleteSure, Mutha, and since they can't hitch-hike...
giraffe v. to stand head and shoulders above one's peers.
ReplyDeletei don't mind coming up with the stupid puns, Doug, as long as giraffe at 'em.
ReplyDeleteon second thought...
Giraffe: a tall quadriped once known as a "cameleopard" despite it being neither camel nor leopard. Has as many bones in its neck as you do (seven) but uses them more efficiently than you.
ReplyDeleteIn my college vertebrate anatomy class I remember the teacher telling us something about how if a giraffe were to lift his head too quickly, it would explode because the length of the neck affected the blood flow or something, I can't remember why. Anyone know? He was a very dry professor, so I'm quite certain he wasn't kidding.
ReplyDeleteJenna? fellow Canadians? Don't you all remember Gerome the Giraffe from The Friendly Giant show? Come on, it was only 40 years ago!
ReplyDelete7 Bones, dude! 7!!! Just like us.
ReplyDeleteAnd people wonder why I don´t believe in numbers, gravity and higher points of view!
(are you almost through with that dictionary and are stuck on the remaining words you didn´t wanna chose in the first palce?:)
I admit I don't have a clue what your definition means.
ReplyDeleteI fed a giraffe once. Its tongue was very long and very hideous. I suggest they be viewed from a distance.
Acton's "giraffic jams" is GREAT! Well done!!
Quilldancer, like an exceptional midget?
ReplyDeletePunnybrose, I sure raffed at that one.
Hahahaha, Actonbell. Vintage. Take that, Punnybrose.
Ah, Brian, Andrew Jackson, not Stonewall.
Mushroom, it's darn near a pentaped. How do you know how efficiently I might use my neckbones if I had a neck?
Squaregirl, as a physics geek you probably realize that there is a speed at which that would happen but it would probably require pullies and a motorcycle.
Tell us, Kyahgirl. Tell us about Gerome.
Minka, "G" is getting kind of sparse, I'll admit.
Jamie Dawn, it sounds hitonious.
Why, howdy, Cindra Jo and welcome. I'm supporting you, your husband, Logo and the Village Idiot in the contest. It's tough when all your friends are nominated.
I recommend Koala Augmentation surgery.
ReplyDeleteGiraffe: (medical) cialis permanente
ReplyDeleteDoug, indeed. And the occasional blog that out shines all the rest.
ReplyDeleteWhen it says goodbye
ReplyDeleteYou don't hear it sigh
Does that it mean
That it's gone far far away
Is this your day to
Buy a paper
Draw a mustache
Make the mayor a GIRAFFE
Try and tempt fate
Get pneumonia
Recuperate with soy bologna
Can you hear the rain a ploppin' slowly
With a soft and soapy thud
Don't you worry about a moppin', sholy
You'll only find yourself with mud
Mayfalta una maleta
Mayfalta una maleta
When you go to bed
Lay your fuzzy head
By the nightstand
Where you turned off your phone
Nobody's home, now
Ride the subway
Make graffiti
Go to Famous Ray's
Buy ziti
Get the paper
No more artwork
Make the mayor a GIRAFFE
Cindra Jo, if I come in fourth would be a bad time to introduce yourself. Of course it is.
ReplyDeleteZenfo, my koalas are perfect.
Old Mule, that was good for a big laugh. Thanks.
Right, Quilldancer, this one is one of my favorites.
Shayna, that was doubly funny to me. Santa Clarita doesn't have a mayor, but I've met the mayor of Los Angeles on several occasions and he's about 3'1"
Lol! Thanks, Doug. I wanted to tell you, I didn't come up with that name myself .... Well, I did, for the initial post, but not for the blog. One of my readers suggested the change. I'm working on my next story right now.
ReplyDeleteQuilly, you wrote you own it. I agree with the reader, it's a great name for a blog.
ReplyDeletethe old Buendia was wrong, every day is Thursday...
ReplyDeleteAriel
oops, sorry
ReplyDeleteAriel