Redefining misanthropy for a fresh generation. Standard posts begin with a definition from Ambrose Bierce's The Devil's Dictionary followed by a modern adjustment. Miscellany on Wednesday and storytelling on Saturday.
Monday, November 13, 2006
Sand
SAND, n. Something that writers of anonymous letters to newspapers do not possess.
2006 Update: To the surfer, wealth, and to the sailor, salvation; To the farmer, humility, and to the hermit, company. To the hungry, general relief.
Ah, I fall into the hungry catagory! I am in mucho need of relief!
4 days of being a tourist, lying on the beach, walking through the clear blue waters, getting up at 7 am each morning for a massage??? Who set that up??!! Geesh! Can't even sleep late. Ah well, them's the breaks! See y'all next Sat.!! D :)
when little I used to put a lot of it in my mouth and chew...mom used to say "that´s alright, it will clean her stomach!" I am left wondering what I could possibly have stuffed in my mouth beofre the sand, that needed cleaning!? On second thought...I am not sure I really wanna pull at that threat! Forget I mentioned....
And second, a George Carlin quote - "You can't grow anything in sand. It was sand 1000 years ago and in 1000 years it's still going to be f***ing sand!"
ah... this evokes memories of a certain soap opera my college roommates used to force me to watch, that started out with these sage words: "Like sands through the hourglass, so are the Days of Our Lives."
which i always thought was funny... not to mention stupid.
speaking of "sands in the hourglass"... Happy Day *After* Your Birthday, Dougie.
the nicest part is when you hide your head in it, your bottom sticks up.
let me be the first to wish you a blasted time on the first day of your 39th year, darling! no doubt you will leave your footprints in the times of sand
if i were a tacky person, i'd bring up a fairly recent episode of South Park, in which Cartman asked Kyle if he was such a jerk because he had sand stuck in a certain part of his anatomy. (a *female* part which was most certainly *not* part of his anatomy).
I think Bierce's definition is brilliant. Of course, If I actually understand it. Didn't they used to sprinkle sand on freshly written material to stop it from smearing?
Do you have any idea how much sand a poodle's coat can hold? Oy! My darlings like to bury Casper in the sandbox.
Sand: Not a friend to us females. It gets in places that can be very uncomfortable. I suppose the same may be true for males, but I'd argue that our places are more tender than their places. 'Nough said.
Gotta go! I skipped classes today in order to get some things done. I feel I'm in quickSAND, but all is well. We will be in our new home the day before Thanksgiving. Saints be praised!! I'll stop by a couple more times this week. Have a GREAT day, Douglas!!!! :-)
Snuppy - I originally thought of that soap opera reference as when my Grandmother would visit she would put it on and fall asleep in her chair as the sand slipped through the hour glass and I believe I might have had to remind her about something on the stove.
NO! Dios mio! It means not quite a hard core obsessive compulsive... and -ish... as in what you add to the end of adjectives to say you, or something, are kinda like that but not quite...
That dress is nice-ish... I have oil in my hair and it is seeping into my brain so that is the best thing I can come up with... ay... give me sand any day and yes, I said oil in my hair and no, don't ask!
And George is just lucky that his Bushvilles haven't been more conspicuous.
In that orgy of "prosperity" the poorest vied with the richest in throwing their earnings and their savings into a cauldron of land and stock speculation. In that orgy of "prosperity" slum conditions went unheeded, better education was neglected, usurious interest charges mounted, child labor continued, starvation wages were too often the rule instead of the exception. Yes, in those days Mammon ruled America.
My brother played down in the sand He had a lot of cool shovels in his hand But now he's home jumpin' like a rubber band He's got the whole beach in his pants!
He's got the whole beach in his pants When he takes them off, a clam'll do a dance If you change his diaper, there is quite a chance You'll find a lobster in his pants!
Doug, it's a song I sing in my classroom, and yes, there is one more verse, but the rhyme doesn't quite scan.
Though some people take shells as souvenirs He's got a ton of sand in his hair and ears He's the reason they say the coast is clear Think he should sleep at the pier!
From: I'm Still Here in the Bathtub: Brand New Silly Dilly Songs by Alan Katz
sung to the tune of: He's Got the Whole World in His Hands
i figured you had too much birthday cake over the weekend, or managed to get sand in your... um... well, see my above non-mention of a certain episode of South Park for the rest of that one.
in all honestly, i chalk any and all cranky responses up to the fact that you are a self-proclaimed early-onset curmudgeon, and i leave it at that. i think it's best that way, don't you?
First! I know it is yesterday´s post. But it is 9.30 here and my world does center around me! Morning everybody!
sand, regardless of how small a thing can be: in the wrong place at the wrong time, it is just irritating! (fed the horses this morning in windy weather and got sand in her eye!)
Karma: that was my question, exactly! maybe if we all clap our hands and chant together "we believe in the Dawg, we believe in the Dawg" he'll snap out of his funk and get the new post up. (hey, it worked for Tinkerbell)
(Considering the queue of strung-out addicts waiting here for their daily fix, you must be one hell of a word-pusher, Doug. The morning line at the bank isn't this long. Nice!)
Actonbell, I don't know. I've never tried being sandy.
Puppybrose, attributing my bad behavior to my character is always a good bet.
Cindra, did you keep "crab?"
Minka, over here we feed them hay.
Terry, you were tricking birds even then.
Zenfo, great definition, brother!
TLP, so many reasons I wish the post had been on time today but most because it offended you.
Karma, the sandman has long since given up on me, but he sure did have my cable connection.
Minka, are you pointing that out more frequently or are the hours just passing more quickly?
Karma, such a beautiful collection of impatient women is more than a man should wish for.
G, so are the days of our lives.
Minka, did I ever tell you this one? A man goes to hell and asks about an internet connection. The Devil tells him "We have DSL, but it only connects to Christian sites."
Puppybrose, what the hell am I doing in Kansas?
Al, given today's let's just say I foresaw everything.
Minka, with sand in my eyes and ears, the blogosphere is a beautiful place.
Puppybrose, that's every day's word. You must have been reading me wrong.
very cheeky and very funny too. Glad to know you haven´t lost it all. In comparishion, the loss of punctuality is a minor catastrophe. I just hope you realized you messed with my first place...I could have died, I hope you know!
Minka, I'm slower now but I'm pretty sure still cheeky. If it helps, I was at my computer at the usual time surprised that no spam had come through during the night.
Sand: What the cat does its business in and what causes one's swim trunks or bikini bottom to fall to their ankles when standing after some hardy body-surfing.
Welcome back...
ReplyDeleteMinka to first position, I mean!
"Sand"
ReplyDeleteThe feel of silica twixt the toes
The soft murmur of clear water
The hot crystal beams falling
The palm trees.....
Hello!!!! Check that out!!!
Ah, I fall into the hungry catagory! I am in mucho need of relief!
ReplyDelete4 days of being a tourist, lying on the beach, walking through the clear blue waters, getting up at 7 am each morning for a massage??? Who set that up??!! Geesh! Can't even sleep late. Ah well, them's the breaks! See y'all next Sat.!! D :)
when little I used to put a lot of it in my mouth and chew...mom used to say "that´s alright, it will clean her stomach!"
ReplyDeleteI am left wondering what I could possibly have stuffed in my mouth beofre the sand, that needed cleaning!?
On second thought...I am not sure I really wanna pull at that threat!
Forget I mentioned....
SAND, n.
ReplyDelete1. The stuff of time, in the days before we were regimented by universally-synchronized digital tickers linked to atomic chronometers.
2. The preferred pseudonym of abrasive French women scriveners.
3. General relief indeed, George. Let them eat tax cuts.
Sand: chopped rock sometimes used to make traps on golf courses.
ReplyDeleteWhenever I heard sand, I think of two things...
ReplyDeleteFirst, walking barefoot in nice warm sand.
And second, a George Carlin quote - "You can't grow anything in sand. It was sand 1000 years ago and in 1000 years it's still going to be f***ing sand!"
Sand what makes walking and driving on all this damn ice possible. Sigh. I like the beachy definitions better.
ReplyDeleteah... this evokes memories of a certain soap opera my college roommates used to force me to watch, that started out with these sage words: "Like sands through the hourglass, so are the Days of Our Lives."
ReplyDeletewhich i always thought was funny... not to mention stupid.
speaking of "sands in the hourglass"... Happy Day *After* Your Birthday, Dougie.
Sand... to the OCDish bohemian, a neverending cleanup job... do NOT take me to the beach! I KID YOU NOT!
ReplyDeleteahwrmd- AH! Wormed!
Sand -- lawn, Las Vegas Style
ReplyDeletethe nicest part is when you hide your head in it, your bottom sticks up.
ReplyDeletelet me be the first to wish you a blasted time on the first day of your 39th year, darling! no doubt you will leave your footprints in the times of sand
xxx
dhulmxcm: dullard Max, c'mon
Sand: a perfect love bed.
ReplyDeletegrit in the eye or bathing suit bottoms.
ReplyDeleteCome to think of it:
ReplyDeletesand wind, Las Vegas Style
if i were a tacky person, i'd bring up a fairly recent episode of South Park, in which Cartman asked Kyle if he was such a jerk because he had sand stuck in a certain part of his anatomy. (a *female* part which was most certainly *not* part of his anatomy).
ReplyDeletethank goodness i'm not tacky.
I think Bierce's definition is brilliant. Of course, If I actually understand it. Didn't they used to sprinkle sand on freshly written material to stop it from smearing?
ReplyDeleteDo you have any idea how much sand a poodle's coat can hold? Oy! My darlings like to bury Casper in the sandbox.
oh and puppy, you're definitely not tacky :-) naughty yes, tacky, no.
ReplyDeleteSand: Not a friend to us females. It gets in places that can be very uncomfortable. I suppose the same may be true for males, but I'd argue that our places are more tender than their places. 'Nough said.
ReplyDeleteGotta go! I skipped classes today in order to get some things done. I feel I'm in quickSAND, but all is well. We will be in our new home the day before Thanksgiving.
Saints be praised!! I'll stop by a couple more times this week. Have a GREAT day, Douglas!!!! :-)
Snuppy - I originally thought of that soap opera reference as when my Grandmother would visit she would put it on and fall asleep in her chair as the sand slipped through the hour glass and I believe I might have had to remind her about something on the stove.
ReplyDeleteSand - the foundation of dreams or the ammunition of enemies. All depends on how the kids are getting along at any given moment.
ReplyDeleteDanke, Minke. Dein platz ist immer zuerst. Or something like that.
ReplyDeleteBrian and Diane, enjoy your week. We'll be watching for you on the weather report.
Minka, it was probably thread.
OC: 1. And chrono-synclastic infundibula, too. 2. Huh? 3. Huh?
That's quirky enough, TLP. We definitely have a family resemblance.
That's funny, Sar. I remember Sam Kinison doing that routine about hunger in Africa.
Jenna, you should really take your vacations in the winter. You're Canadian, remember?
Puppy, my Grandma Pascover watched that show. I would visit and to me those words meant "Go play outside."
Miz B, I'll keep that in mind. Scratch the beach trip. I still don't get the "ish" in OCDish. Is it an acronym for "Inside Some Hearts?"
Wow, Anomie. The second definition is grand as is the quote.
Quilly, it would be "Santa Clarita Style", too, if not for the contradiction.
Karma, the footprints get deeper each year. Thank you.
That's pretty racy for a mule.
Dddragon, there are as many places to get sand caught as there are grains on the beach.
Quilly, sand and wind are perfect metaphors in the city of temporary prosperity. See Shelley's Ozymandias.
Puppybrose, the what's with the moth on your forehead?
Kyah, I think you went deeper than Bierce this time. I think he was just calling anonymous commenters wimps. Your misunderstanding is brilliant.
Jamie Dawn, I wish you happiness in your new place :P Thanks, lady. You have a great day, too.
G, must be something about grandmother's and that show, although I remember mine being rapt. Beautiful definition.
Something that I can't wait to walk on and in--it's company
ReplyDeleteWow Doug, you wrote one quarter of a definition just for me--actually brings me spriritual wealth and salvation also
As to hunger and general relief--may I never relate to that part
Sand: We don't want it, you can keep it. That is, unless there's oil under it.
ReplyDeleteecho Al's sentiment...the only value I find in sand is in providing a pleasing base for the beautiful ocean.
ReplyDeleteNO! Dios mio! It means not quite a hard core obsessive compulsive... and -ish... as in what you add to the end of adjectives to say you, or something, are kinda like that but not quite...
ReplyDeleteThat dress is nice-ish... I have oil in my hair and it is seeping into my brain so that is the best thing I can come up with... ay... give me sand any day and yes, I said oil in my hair and no, don't ask!
The primary occupant, by volume, of a seven-year old boy's shoe.
ReplyDeleteIt probably was thread..I used to chase oyr kitten aorund and that oe always had some of grandmas wool in her paws. How could you possibly have known?
ReplyDeleteDoug! You've never heard of George Sand?
ReplyDeleteAnd George is just lucky that his Bushvilles haven't been more conspicuous.
In that orgy of "prosperity" the poorest vied with the richest in throwing their earnings and their savings into a cauldron of land and stock speculation. In that orgy of "prosperity" slum conditions went unheeded, better education was neglected, usurious interest charges mounted, child labor continued, starvation wages were too often the rule instead of the exception. Yes, in those days Mammon ruled America.
- Franklin D. Roosevelt, Atlanta, Georgia, 29 November 1935.
I like diesel's.
ReplyDeleteSand: My tireless friend in castle-building.
The Whole Beach
ReplyDeleteby Alan Katz
My brother played down in the sand
He had a lot of cool shovels in his hand
But now he's home jumpin' like a rubber band
He's got the whole beach in his pants!
He's got the whole beach in his pants
When he takes them off, a clam'll do a dance
If you change his diaper, there is quite a chance
You'll find a lobster in his pants!
"When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually." ~ Steven Wright
ReplyDeletePia, may all the sand be yours.
ReplyDeleteAl, that's pretty much our foreign policy isn't it?
Joel, it's hard to ask for more from a pulverized stone.
Miz B, your beauty secrets are your own. I admire the reults.
Diesel, that does seem familiar. Very well written, too.
Minka, I guess lucky a lot.
O Ceallaigh, the name sounded vaguely familiar but I had no idea. Thanks for the education, Dr. OC.
Mutha, me too. And the nice thing about sand is, it's always around when you need it.
Quill, that's a great poem. I've never heard of the author. Is there more?
Puppybrose, he's funny.
Sand: squishing under the feet, quite wonderful, in the crack not so good.
ReplyDeleteTo the cat, a place to poop.
ReplyDeleteDoug, it's a song I sing in my classroom, and yes, there is one more verse, but the rhyme doesn't quite scan.
ReplyDeleteThough some people take shells as souvenirs
He's got a ton of sand in his hair and ears
He's the reason they say the coast is clear
Think he should sleep at the pier!
From: I'm Still Here in the Bathtub: Brand New Silly Dilly Songs by Alan Katz
sung to the tune of: He's Got the Whole World in His Hands
gosh Doug, thanks for that underwhelming response.
ReplyDeleteSand: a bully's weapon against a 98 pound weakling; source of a weakling's 98 bazillion dollar revenge. (too much of a stretch?)
Made me think of "Go pound sand."
ReplyDeleteSounds elegant, doesn't it?
a good way to soften ones edges.
ReplyDeleteIt must be the fever.
ReplyDeleteOr perhaps I am that dense.
I don't get the original definition.
Cindra, that's another way of saying it, sure.
ReplyDeleteIcy, how did I leave that out? Good girl!
That's funny, Quill. Now there's a job description.
Sorry, Puppy. There were some humor shortages on my end earlier in the day. I never thought of Charles Atlas as a sand castle before.
Logo, in my family the verb was "pack" but I gotcha.
A square ought to be careful with that, Square.
Well, howdy, Revi. Sorry to hear about the fever. My guess is you're overthinking the original.
Evidently, it better to be salty than sandy, but if you were worth you weight in sand, I think that would be pretty darn salty.
ReplyDeletei figured you had too much birthday cake over the weekend, or managed to get sand in your... um... well, see my above non-mention of a certain episode of South Park for the rest of that one.
ReplyDeletein all honestly, i chalk any and all cranky responses up to the fact that you are a self-proclaimed early-onset curmudgeon, and i leave it at that. i think it's best that way, don't you?
Sand: the last half of my maiden name.
ReplyDeleteFirst!
ReplyDeleteI know it is yesterday´s post. But it is 9.30 here and my world does center around me! Morning everybody!
sand, regardless of how small a thing can be: in the wrong place at the wrong time, it is just irritating! (fed the horses this morning in windy weather and got sand in her eye!)
Sand: a glassblower's friend.
ReplyDeleteAs a child, I loved to sprinkle dry white sand (sugar) on top of wet sand cakes on the beach.
Ahh...good ol' sand, abacus of the bored, fortress of the weak willed, and the bedrock of concrete.
ReplyDeleteIf I complain that the post is late, you'd just tell me to go pound sand.
ReplyDeleteSo, I won't complain.
It's 8:34 AM. The damn post should be up. That is not a complaint. Just sayin'.
has the Sandman got our Douglas??? hurry up and post dawg, poste-haste
ReplyDeleteooojces: oozing juices
he sure got older! *taps fingers*
ReplyDeleteTLP, Minka and Karma are the ladies in waiting!
ReplyDeleteAdd G to the mix and I've checked teh hourglass - it's working.
ReplyDeleteHe is kidding, right?
ReplyDeleteKarma: that was my question, exactly! maybe if we all clap our hands and chant together "we believe in the Dawg, we believe in the Dawg" he'll snap out of his funk and get the new post up. (hey, it worked for Tinkerbell)
ReplyDeleteHi, all. The internet was down at home. I'll post shortly.
ReplyDeleteNo one told me the golden years would find me so rusty.
Way to go, Doug! Given today's delay, yesterday's word was a sublime choice.
ReplyDeletehear hear... and stick your head in it already!
ReplyDeleteAl & Minka: amen!
ReplyDeletetell the truth, Doug, today's word is "sucker", right?
Aww, Minka, give the guy a break. He can't get his Internet up.
ReplyDelete(Considering the queue of strung-out addicts waiting here for their daily fix, you must be one hell of a word-pusher, Doug. The morning line at the bank isn't this long. Nice!)
ReplyDeleteHello? My clocks must be wronmg. I am up and dressed and no Doug?
ReplyDeleteActonbell, I don't know. I've never tried being sandy.
ReplyDeletePuppybrose, attributing my bad behavior to my character is always a good bet.
Cindra, did you keep "crab?"
Minka, over here we feed them hay.
Terry, you were tricking birds even then.
Zenfo, great definition, brother!
TLP, so many reasons I wish the post had been on time today but most because it offended you.
Karma, the sandman has long since given up on me, but he sure did have my cable connection.
Minka, are you pointing that out more frequently or are the hours just passing more quickly?
Karma, such a beautiful collection of impatient women is more than a man should wish for.
G, so are the days of our lives.
Minka, did I ever tell you this one? A man goes to hell and asks about an internet connection. The Devil tells him "We have DSL, but it only connects to Christian sites."
Puppybrose, what the hell am I doing in Kansas?
Al, given today's let's just say I foresaw everything.
Minka, with sand in my eyes and ears, the blogosphere is a beautiful place.
Puppybrose, that's every day's word. You must have been reading me wrong.
Al, it's how you use it.
Quill, see above and have pity.
Pity, never.
ReplyDeletePatience, maybe.
Tollerance, usually.
Forgiveness, always.
Quilldancer, that makes you a kind woman or a myth.
ReplyDeleteLOL...
ReplyDeletevery cheeky and very funny too. Glad to know you haven´t lost it all.
In comparishion, the loss of punctuality is a minor catastrophe. I just hope you realized you messed with my first place...I could have died, I hope you know!
Minka, I'm slower now but I'm pretty sure still cheeky. If it helps, I was at my computer at the usual time surprised that no spam had come through during the night.
ReplyDeleteSand: What the cat does its business in and what causes one's swim trunks or bikini bottom to fall to their ankles when standing after some hardy body-surfing.
ReplyDeleteI've been meaning to ask about that, Cheesey. When you body surf, do you tie the fingers?
ReplyDelete