Redefining misanthropy for a fresh generation. Standard posts begin with a definition from Ambrose Bierce's The Devil's Dictionary followed by a modern adjustment. Miscellany on Wednesday and storytelling on Saturday.
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Historian
HISTORIAN, n. A broad-gauge gossip.
2007 Update: Someone who studies passed periods to enlighten earlier eras.
Was I supposed to define something? Cause my brain is mush though I could certainly use a historian to enlighten last night and what might be a disastrous today... though I so hope "today" will need no historian!
Yep... cryptic... that's me today... off I go to see what happens. Until then, besotes muy grandotes a mi hermano fabuloso!
HISTORIAN, n. Extinct species. I mean, c'mon, it's a PC world, you crazy Mac clones. Who cares about them? If you must know something about the past, Henrietta, ask somebody who knows something. A HERSTORIAN.
What? We can't live without 'em? OK, an OURSTORIAN. Sheesh.
No I wanted to be first, not the historian to decipher MizzyB's not so cryptic message
When future historians, from the next earth civilization, unravel this blogging thing, they will learn about cynicism and amazing uses of the archaic language once called American English by Doug. And they will ask why my blog's not a major book and motion picture--or 200
Well, people think that I shamelessly self-promote but future historians will say "oh no, she wasn't blatant enough in the era of true shameless self-promotion. She should have thrown comment parties and moderated comments."
Sorry Doug but this word in this world of Lindsay, Brittney etc..
An old married couple noticed that their memory was not as good as before. They were worried that this could be dangerous, because one of them could maybe forget to turn off the oven and cause a fire or something. So, they go to their doctor to get some help. Their doctor tells them that many people their age write little notes to remind themselves. The old couple thinks this is a very good idea, and they leave the doctor's office very pleased with the advice.
When they got home, the wife said, "Darling, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"
"Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you will forget."
"Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!"
"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife.
"Come on, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No problem, a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."
With that, the husband went into the kitchen and shut the door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream. He came out of the kitchen about 15 minutes later.
He walked over to his wife to his wife, he gave her a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife took one look at the plate, then she looked up at her husband and said, "Where's the toast?"
Cryptic, hermana? I'll wait for the movie version. That will explain everything, I'm pretty sure.
Quilly, vanity only thinks it's history.
O Ceallaigh, for some reason that reminds me of Sweet Honey In The Rock's attempt at a hip hop song. "Sit back, and dig a herstory." Nice line but someone should have told them.
Pia, I think they'll also wonder why roach motels of this era were so badly designed.
That's the stuff, Indy. Welcome back to life.
I like it, Brian. HISTORIAN, n. A current candidate in a past election. I kind a wish I'd thought of that.
As opposed to science majors, Quilly, who say "You would like fries with that." or a Psychology major who says "Why would you like fries with that? No-one loves me. Oops"
Says O Ceallaigh of the South Bay O Ceallaighs.
Al, 3. A transcriber of earlier reference books.
Karma, I heard of those people once.
Puppy, I liked the first one, too. You're not lame. You're history.
Mutha, or the liar with the losers.
All, I think I heard that one with a ham sandwich and "you forgot the mayonnaise." It's a goody.
G, you can be at least that bold.
Jamie Dawn, its just important to remember that the noble side won and is now being persecuted for it.
Historian: One who chooses to embrace the historical importance of dates and events. Or is that a 47 freak? Hmmm....
Not to diminish the unparalled glory that is the original and only annual 47, today's the first date of the year that happens to contain a 47 - wootothehoo!
Be careful what you say about History, as it has a way of repeating itself in it's own ironic way.
This sounds ridiculous, but is all true:
I used to give my High School History teacher a hard time and he even had the audacity to call me flippant (who me?). Several years ago, I saw him at a funeral and I told him I was a school teacher (as I was at the time) and he put his fist in the air and shouted to the heavens "vengence is mine!".
Oh, and in case I haven't mentioned my husband's career: High School History teacher.
As opposed to science majors who say "You would like fries with that."
Douglas! Shame on you. A scientist would never say such a thing.
If the scientist's an expert, the line is "You would NOT like fries with that. And what the hell are you doing here anyway? Don't you ..."
If the scientist is NOT an expert, well, by the time all the work's been done to examine the relevant literature on the food value of fries, and how that might intersect with the requestor's personal profile ...
it's next week already, and the customer is buying her value meal from the "restaurant" down the street, where she might actually get some service from the historian at the counter.
kidding! i kid. i saw that joke, i laughed at that joke, hell, on any given day, i *am* that joke.
O'C: i'm thinkin' the scientist says... "So? You say you're interested in masticating a few slices of Solanum tuberosum following immersion in a hydrogenated fat comprised of a large amount of dangerous triglycerides? Fine, for another $.25, you can get that Supersized."
Puppy, the scientist doesn't get to say anything like that. After the third word, the manager shows up and says "You're history". If the scientist ever gets through the interview.
Don't make me tell the story of the day I argued with a McDonald's manager over portion control ...
Squaregirl, I wonder if you'd made fun of your calculus teacher whether sine curves would repeat themselves.
Icy, I'm glad you're laughing. Good girl!
Mireille, most historians come to their professions by forgetting how to spell prelaw. You should be good.
So do I, Jenna. What's the problem?
Right, Minka. And more recently, too.
O Ceallaigh. I stand corrected. I never argue with a biologist.
Al, there there. It's like a whole other joke with eggs and bacon instead of the ham sandwich.
Puppybrose, is that why I've never met one at a party?
Logo, your alliterations are always awesome, actually.
Mutha, when they try to win after the fact they're either historians, Al Gore or George W. Bush.
Poobah, you'd think they'd get tired of trying.
Al, I haven't read that yet, but I have the impression he called upon the congress to control spending. Yeah, that is funny.
G, that get's even funnier if you shout it.
O Ceallaigh, I actually once met a historian who had argued with a MacDonald's manager over wrapping his burger in paper instead of a styrofoam box and finally wound up with a burger wrapped in paper and stuffed in a styrofoam box. You PhD's are pretty much hopeless, aren't you?
Sorry, Jenna. You're right, too. I also never argue with anyone whose lips are brighter than my intellect.
TLP, I thought that was a preacher?
Nice, Cheesemeister. I can see you have been consorting with Ambrose in the afterlife.
More of an exaggeration, Quilly.
OK, g. I can't win today.
Not at all, Puppy. Joel and the dogs, however, should be terrified.
No, not "make fun", but give a hard time. There's a difference...a big one. And my calculus was my uncle (really), so anything worth laughing at, I mean acknowleged, most likely was inherited by me
No, not "make fun", but give a hard time. There's a difference...a big one. And my calculus was my uncle (really), so anything worth laughing at, I mean acknowleged, most likely was inherited by me
Squaregirl, I appreciate your sensitivity to hypocrisy. All our young lives, my brother and I made fun of our dad's speaking voice by lowering our own and making it sound gravelly. Now we can make fun of Dad's voice with no adjustment whatsoever.
Actonbell, it will work in a few minutes. I'm typing. I'm typing.
FIRST, FIRST FIRST!!!!!
ReplyDeleteWas I supposed to define something? Cause my brain is mush though I could certainly use a historian to enlighten last night and what might be a disastrous today... though I so hope "today" will need no historian!
ReplyDeleteYep... cryptic... that's me today... off I go to see what happens. Until then, besotes muy grandotes a mi hermano fabuloso!
historian blog writer
ReplyDeleteHISTORIAN, n. Extinct species. I mean, c'mon, it's a PC world, you crazy Mac clones. Who cares about them? If you must know something about the past, Henrietta, ask somebody who knows something. A HERSTORIAN.
ReplyDeleteWhat? We can't live without 'em? OK, an OURSTORIAN. Sheesh.
;)
No I wanted to be first, not the historian to decipher MizzyB's not so cryptic message
ReplyDeleteWhen future historians, from the next earth civilization, unravel this blogging thing, they
will learn about cynicism and amazing uses of the archaic language once called American English
by Doug. And they will ask why my blog's not a major book and motion picture--or 200
Well, people think that I shamelessly self-promote but future historians will say "oh no, she wasn't
blatant enough in the era of true shameless self-promotion. She should have thrown comment parties and
moderated comments."
Sorry Doug but this word in this world of Lindsay, Brittney etc..
Historian: a job with no future.
ReplyDeleteHistorian: Someone who lives inside the Beltway seeking to justify their policies.
ReplyDeleteOr an Austrian who morphs into a Valley Guy.
historian [and liberal arts majors et al] are best known for popularizing the phrase, Would you like fries with that?
ReplyDeleteThese day, Quilly, we're all historians then. Unless we're born into names like Rockefeller, Vanderbilt, Gates, Buffett ...
ReplyDeleteHa! Sorry, Quilly, but that was absolutely brutal! Bra-va, teach!
ReplyDeleteHistorian: 1. an expert in history; authority on history.
2. a writer of history; chronicler.
With Quilly cleverly planted atop the cynical high ground, on what am I left to stand but the prosaic low earth?
a person with a past
ReplyDeletepgthlczo: pig that lies and curses, zocko! (sorry Mireille)
History: time shares.
ReplyDeletei am so freaking lame, i think i need to berate MYSELF. i'm pretty sure i *meant* to say...
ReplyDeleteHISTORIAN: Timeshare "specialist"
Historian: The chatty one on the winner's team.
ReplyDeleteStop me if you've heard this.
ReplyDeleteAn old married couple noticed that their memory was not as good as before. They were worried that this could be dangerous, because one of them could maybe forget to turn off the oven and cause a fire or something. So, they go to their doctor to get some help. Their doctor tells them that many people their age write little notes to remind themselves. The old couple thinks this is a very good idea, and they leave the doctor's office very pleased with the advice.
When they got home, the wife said, "Darling, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"
"Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you will forget."
"Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!"
"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife.
"Come on, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No problem, a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."
With that, the husband went into the kitchen and shut the door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream. He came out of the kitchen about 15 minutes later.
He walked over to his wife to his wife, he gave her a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife took one look at the plate, then she looked up at her husband and said, "Where's the toast?"
Historian: Been there, done that.
ReplyDeleteMajor kudos (if I may be so bold) to Indie's definition.
Historian: Equally interesting and boring.
ReplyDeleteThe person you want on YOUR team in a trivia contest.
You know a lot of hisory, don't you? I do too, but I can never remember names, places, dates, or events.
Cryptic, hermana? I'll wait for the movie version. That will explain everything, I'm pretty sure.
ReplyDeleteQuilly, vanity only thinks it's history.
O Ceallaigh, for some reason that reminds me of Sweet Honey In The Rock's attempt at a hip hop song. "Sit back, and dig a herstory." Nice line but someone should have told them.
Pia, I think they'll also wonder why roach motels of this era were so badly designed.
That's the stuff, Indy. Welcome back to life.
I like it, Brian. HISTORIAN, n. A current candidate in a past election. I kind a wish I'd thought of that.
As opposed to science majors, Quilly, who say "You would like fries with that." or a Psychology major who says "Why would you like fries with that? No-one loves me. Oops"
Says O Ceallaigh of the South Bay O Ceallaighs.
Al, 3. A transcriber of earlier reference books.
Karma, I heard of those people once.
Puppy, I liked the first one, too. You're not lame. You're history.
Mutha, or the liar with the losers.
All, I think I heard that one with a ham sandwich and "you forgot the mayonnaise." It's a goody.
G, you can be at least that bold.
Jamie Dawn, its just important to remember that the noble side won and is now being persecuted for it.
Historian: One who chooses to embrace the historical importance of dates and events. Or is that a 47 freak? Hmmm....
ReplyDeleteNot to diminish the unparalled glory that is the original and only annual 47, today's the first date of the year that happens to contain a 47 - wootothehoo!
Be careful what you say about History, as it has a way of repeating itself in it's own ironic way.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds ridiculous, but is all true:
I used to give my High School History teacher a hard time and he even had the audacity to call me flippant (who me?). Several years ago, I saw him at a funeral and I told him I was a school teacher (as I was at the time) and he put his fist in the air and shouted to the heavens "vengence is mine!".
Oh, and in case I haven't mentioned my husband's career: High School History teacher.
I've been feeling a little hysterical myself lately.
ReplyDeleteperfectly ok, karma. xoxo And as for historian: someone you want eulogizing you only if his memory coincides with your now-defunct one. xoxo
ReplyDeleteHistorian? Sounds old.
ReplyDeleteAl, STOP!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteIf memory serves right, history has already presented that joke to me in a year far far away!
As opposed to science majors who say "You would like fries with that."
ReplyDeleteDouglas! Shame on you. A scientist would never say such a thing.
If the scientist's an expert, the line is "You would NOT like fries with that. And what the hell are you doing here anyway? Don't you ..."
If the scientist is NOT an expert, well, by the time all the work's been done to examine the relevant literature on the food value of fries, and how that might intersect with the requestor's personal profile ...
it's next week already, and the customer is buying her value meal from the "restaurant" down the street, where she might actually get some service from the historian at the counter.
:)
*HAAAARUMPH.* Well, Miss Minky, then you'll like it much better when you're my age, and there's never a rerun on TV.
ReplyDeleteAl told a joke?
ReplyDeleteYup, Snup, Up ^
ReplyDeletekidding! i kid. i saw that joke, i laughed at that joke, hell, on any given day, i *am* that joke.
ReplyDeleteO'C: i'm thinkin' the scientist says... "So? You say you're interested in masticating a few slices of Solanum tuberosum following immersion in a hydrogenated fat comprised of a large amount of dangerous triglycerides? Fine, for another $.25, you can get that Supersized."
Historian~ Teller of tall tales, scribbler of slanted stories, professor of purported past, author of ambiguous antiquity.
ReplyDeleteI think I'm done now.
historian - A person screaming loudly not to repeat the mistakes of the past.
ReplyDeleteDon't both scrolling up, Snup. What you just said was, like, way funnier.
ReplyDeleteHell, what George Bush wrote in Wednesday's Wall Street Journal was funnier...
Tom&Icy, that reminds me of one of my lines to the kids "I said historically speaking, not hysterically speaking!".
ReplyDeletePuppy, the scientist doesn't get to say anything like that. After the third word, the manager shows up and says "You're history". If the scientist ever gets through the interview.
ReplyDeleteDon't make me tell the story of the day I argued with a McDonald's manager over portion control ...
As opposed to science majors who say "You would like fries with that."
ReplyDeleteDouglas! Shame on you. A scientist would never say such a thing.
Yeah Doug. It's "Do you want paper or plastic?"
Historian: Old fart.
ReplyDeleteOops! I meant the ancients of course. Excuse me.
ReplyDelete(History is just a bunch of lies that Historians tell about folks who are dead and can't defend themselves.)
Historian: an agreed-upon liar.
ReplyDeleteWouldn't an historian chronicling American culture define the term portion control as an oxymoron?
ReplyDeletehistorian, settles for regurgitation of the past due to a lack of imagination. Otherwise he´d write his own novel!
ReplyDeleteQuilly, I think more likely - redundant.
ReplyDeletei'm readin' "Historian", i'm *thinkin'* "history"... and suddenly i'm singin' a little somethin' to the tune of "Ding Dong, The Witch is Dead":
ReplyDelete"From now on you'll be history..."
"You'll be hist..."
"You'll be hist..."
"You'll be HISTORY!"
should i be concerned?
I think you're thinking of Hysarical.
ReplyDeleteSquaregirl, I wonder if you'd made fun of your calculus teacher whether sine curves would repeat themselves.
Icy, I'm glad you're laughing. Good girl!
Mireille, most historians come to their professions by forgetting how to spell prelaw. You should be good.
So do I, Jenna. What's the problem?
Right, Minka. And more recently, too.
O Ceallaigh. I stand corrected. I never argue with a biologist.
Al, there there. It's like a whole other joke with eggs and bacon instead of the ham sandwich.
Puppybrose, is that why I've never met one at a party?
Logo, your alliterations are always awesome, actually.
Mutha, when they try to win after the fact they're either historians, Al Gore or George W. Bush.
Poobah, you'd think they'd get tired of trying.
Al, I haven't read that yet, but I have the impression he called upon the congress to control spending. Yeah, that is funny.
G, that get's even funnier if you shout it.
O Ceallaigh, I actually once met a historian who had argued with a MacDonald's manager over wrapping his burger in paper instead of a styrofoam box and finally wound up with a burger wrapped in paper and stuffed in a styrofoam box. You PhD's are pretty much hopeless, aren't you?
Sorry, Jenna. You're right, too. I also never argue with anyone whose lips are brighter than my intellect.
TLP, I thought that was a preacher?
Nice, Cheesemeister. I can see you have been consorting with Ambrose in the afterlife.
More of an exaggeration, Quilly.
OK, g. I can't win today.
Not at all, Puppy. Joel and the dogs, however, should be terrified.
What'd I do now?
ReplyDeleteHistorian: someone to be greatly admired - for their patience, research skills, and doggedness.
ReplyDeleteWithout them there would be no record of the past, good or bad.
Historian: My Grandma
historian-a romanicizer of the past. Well, usually. Often. Sometimes.
ReplyDelete(it's hard to come around so late and leave a comment after all these incredibly clever people. geez)
I do love historians.
ReplyDeleteNothing, g. Just got the better of me ahead of me. Very forgivable.
ReplyDeleteTerry, I recognize that positivity.
Actonbell, now you know why I get up early.
Alice, I was kind of tickled to see the title of your new post.
No, not "make fun", but give a hard time. There's a difference...a big one. And my calculus was my uncle (really), so anything worth laughing at, I mean acknowleged, most likely was inherited by me
ReplyDeleteNo, not "make fun", but give a hard time. There's a difference...a big one. And my calculus was my uncle (really), so anything worth laughing at, I mean acknowleged, most likely was inherited by me
ReplyDeletegoshdarnitttt!!! blogger loves to mess with our minds. My former History teacher would appreciate my frustration...
ReplyDeleteWell, I'm here, but it isn't working.
ReplyDeleteSquaregirl, I appreciate your sensitivity to hypocrisy. All our young lives, my brother and I made fun of our dad's speaking voice by lowering our own and making it sound gravelly. Now we can make fun of Dad's voice with no adjustment whatsoever.
ReplyDeleteActonbell, it will work in a few minutes. I'm typing. I'm typing.
Historian: Chronicler of the nightmares we didn't awaken from. (See James Joyce.)
ReplyDelete