Monday, July 30, 2007

Botany

BOTANY, n. The science of vegetables — those that are not good to eat, as well as those that are. It deals largely with their flowers, which are commonly badly designed, inartistic in color, and ill-smelling.

2007 Update: The scientific inquiry into the taxonomy, morphology, frequency, distribution, proliferation and cytostructure of foolish metaphors.

Flowers are striking in shade, shape and scent
The redwood awes all those who see.

But most of Earth's plantlife, ninety percent

Is composed of unremarkable algae
.

Love is a rose, a wood with no rangers

And the vine of human obsession;

While indifferent nods that pass between strangers

Make up most of this planet's affection.
-J. Langston Antimony, Ph.D.

34 comments:

Joel said...

1st.
thank you.

Minka said...

Don't mention it, Joel!


A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill
except for learning how to grow in rows.
- Doug Larson


I couldn't quite phrase that myself, nor do I know who Doug Larson is....but by golly, I can stand in line with the best of them.

Minka said...

one more:

with all due respect to *insert deity heres*:

A farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields
were grown over with weeds, the farmhouse was falling apart, and the fences were broken down. During his first
day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make
this the farm of your dreams!" A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold,
it's a completely different place. The farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty
of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted
in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together!"
"Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!"

Paul said...

I do love roses !!!

TLP said...

Flowers are so lovely. But, true, they fade. So pick another. And another. But they're prettier left to be admired where they bloom.

Knock knock
who's there?
Botany
Botany who?
Botany anything better than love?

puppybrose said...

Roses are Red,
Violets are Blue,
Either I need new glasses,
Or "J. Langston Antimony, Ph. D" is you.

(great poem. and yes, i mean yours, not mine!)

TPL: Botany chocolate?? mmmmm. ; )

puppybrose said...

*blushes* of course, TPL is the same as TLP, only, um, less pezzy.

d'oh!

Botany white-out?

Jenna Howard said...

Botany? This sounds sciency and is therefore highly suspicious to me. The vegetables just adds to that suspicion.

karma said...

A young man who studied botany
Created quite a cacophany
He couldn't tell a stamen
From xylem, phloem or women
And he now rests in peace, amen

- Karma

Doug said...

Joel, my pleasure.

Minka, you're a good crop. "Even God needs the hands of Antonio Stradivarius to make a Stradivarius Violin."-Antonio Stradivarius.

Good to hear, Paul. And welcome. A friend of Diogenes is a friend of mine.

TLP, barbecue?

Neva, I take many forms.

Jenna, science and vegetables are both good for you. I avoid them, too.

Karma, which of the three is on the inside?

TLP said...

Yes! Barbecue! That's the ticket. Anitmony is better than alimony, right?
Unless b-b-q makes you take anti-acids.

But unless your name is Mick Jagger, time might not be on your side. Just sayin'.

ariel said...

oh people, Manitu blessed you today, the comments are more than amusing!

ariel said...

Doug, you are funny, too!

The Old Mule said...

Botany: the elucidation of transpiration.

Or, as Karl Popper might say, the investigation of Wittgenstein's red hot poker. If anyone gets that, you deserve an"A" plus in taxonomy.

Jamie Dawn said...

Botany is the study of good sources of roughage.

Sorry I missed the weekend story.
I'll check it out now. My brother's internet stopped working shortly after I visited you. It has been frustrating, but thank the good Lord, I am now at my parents' house where the internet runs consistently.

Have a good week!! I'll check back when I can.

Doug said...

TLP, one is poison and the other, just a metal.

Ariel, I'm just glad the great spirit of the Algonquin people gave us Wikipedia.

Good grief, Mule! OK, I have the story but I'm missing the botanical relevance. Casting your seeds broadly, I guess?

Jamie Dawn, no need to apologize. I'm still delighted we met and happily eating balsamic herb almonds. If the internet loses its savor, with what can it be seasoned??

quilly said...

Excuse me, I must go get O.C. ....

goldennib said...

Botany: Does it include the study of the Black Eyed Peas or the Red Hot Chili Peppers?

Omnipotent Poobah said...

botany - The study of things that make Poobahs sneeze.

The Old Mule said...

Kniphofia uvaria - yes, it was a stretch!

Doug said...

I thought you might, Quill.

Sure, Nessa, and The Wailers.

Poobah, you're thinking of comedy, maybe.

Mule is that Latin for sour grapes? You're a clever equine.

actonbell said...

...a wood with no rangers?
Does that mean Ranger Rick isn't invited? No Smokey Bear? Who will take care of all the botanical creatures?

I'm very worried.

the amoeba said...

"Hey, dude! Where's OCeallaigh?"

"He's got class, dude."

"OK, you like him. Fine. So where is he, already?"

"I told you already. They're out seeking seaweed."

"Did they see any?"

"See any what?"

"Weed, you doofus."

"Well of course he saw some, moron. He's got a Ph.D., remember? He don't see much else."

"I don't suppose he's bought any?"

"Who's this Bo Taney? Never heard of him. And if he hangs out with OC, he don't toke, neither. You're just SOL again, dude."

"Dude?"

"Yeah?"

"I want a separate apartment."

"Sure thing, dude. There's a vacancy in the Cerebellum Colony Condominiums. You just motor right over. Good luck ..."

* * *

Mule? You're holding out on us (me), aren't you ...?




. Any more than OC does.

the amoeba said...

Omit that last line. As the Dudes said, I've got (a) class. Tends to get in the way of editing ...

G said...

"Love is a rose and you'd better not pick it.
Only grows when it's on the vine
Handful of thorns and you know you've missed it
Lose your love when you say the word mine."

Maybe it goes/maybe a stretch ~ the second stanza just called it up.

Goldennib - good one!

Botany - an arm of biology dealing with plant life ~ well that just throws the barndoor right open.

G said...

Minka, I just read your little parable and loved it! I think G-d has been left alone in our yard this summer - not good.

cooper said...

You are much too smart for me here.

What's in a name?

Speed down the hill on fiberglass

Fell right down upon my ass

My knee cap bulged; ugly to see

So I went into town

And botany

Doug said...

Actonbell, Ranger Rick is always invited. A Raccoon grooms where true love blooms.

Dude, botanical solutions, totally. And, yeah, I don't think Mule has been playing all his cards.

g, and your stanza reminded me of the schoolboy version, Love Is A Nose.

Cooper, I shouldn't laugh at that, but I liked the rhyme. Sorry about the injury.

G said...

Hahahaha!

Cheesemeister said...

Botany: A colony to which prisoners are sent and subsequently start a nation.
Oh wait...that's Botany Bay!

Doug said...

g, a fond memory.

More than close enough, Sydney!

weirsdo said...

Love the poem, Dr. J., esp. second stanza.

Botany calls to mind Bad Sir Brian Botany from A. A. Milne's WHEN WE WERE VERY YOUNG:
On Thursdays and on Saturdays,
But mostly on the latter days,
He went among the villagers and blipped them on the head [with his battle axe].

After the villagers take matters into their own hands [Sir Brian went a journey, / And he found a lot of duckweed . . .], he reforms and becomes "Plain Mr. Botany, B."

Doug said...

Thanks, Weirsdo. I remember the line about bipping them on the head. The second stanza actually brings up the name of one of my favorite contemporary authors.

weirsdo said...

Sorry, I'm Pansified, not having familiarized myself with the works of Brian Tingling.