Thursday, July 30, 2009

Editor

EDITOR, n. A person who combines the judicial functions of Minos, Rhadamanthus and Aeacus, but is placable with an obolus; a severely virtuous censor, but so charitable withal that he tolerates the virtues of others and the vices of himself; who flings about him the splintering lightning and sturdy thunders of admonition till he resembles a bunch of firecrackers petulantly uttering his mind at the tail of a dog; then straightway murmurs a mild, melodious lay, soft as the cooing of a donkey intoning its prayer to the evening star. Master of mysteries and lord of law, high-pinnacled upon the throne of thought, his face suffused with the dim splendors of the Transfiguration, his legs intertwisted and his tongue a-cheek, the editor spills his will along the paper and cuts it off in lengths to suit. And at intervals from behind the veil of the temple is heard the voice of the foreman demanding three inches of wit and six lines of religious meditation, or bidding him turn off the wisdom and whack up some pathos.
O, the Lord of Law on the Throne of Thought,
A gilded impostor is he.
Of shreds and patches his robes are wrought,
His crown is brass,
Himself an ass,
And his power is fiddle-dee-dee.
Prankily, crankily prating of naught,
Silly old quilly old Monarch of Thought.
Public opinion's camp-follower he,
Thundering, blundering, plundering free.
Affected,
Ungracious,
Suspected,
Mendacious,
Respected contemporaree!
—J.H. Bumbleshook
2009 Update: A subsidiary grouch employed to moderate writers with sobriety, solemnity, circumspection, brevity and britches. For these vices, the editor would be exiled if he did not delete.

25 comments:

Jim said...

Editor: Ms. Bumbleshook gave our Quilly some free publicity. I think you should have edited that word or line out!
["Silly old quilly old Monarch of Thought."]

..
Guess reluctantly, I'll be first again today.
..

Lily Strange said...

That does sound like Bruce the Jackal! (My editor)
Bruce is actually very pleasant in his criticisms. But curse him anyway because he's right at least 95% of the time! ;-)
The word verification is "trentmac." Is this a mac belonging to a fellow named Trent? Or is this the macaroni and cheese of a fellow named Trent? Does Trent wear a mac while eating his macaroni and cheese?

pansi!!!!!! said...

All I no about Bruce the Jackall is that he is CHRISTINANE, just like every one else in the CHEESE MISTRESS family!
Thank you SO much for linking to ME!!!!
Kiss Kiss,
PANSI!!!!!!!!

pansi!!!!!! said...

I ment to say UN-CHRISTINANE! The Cheese Mistress family are a bunch of heethings!

TLP said...

So, you could be an editor?

jenn said...

Editor: She who holds the weight of my dreams in the palm of her hands and fixes all my bad grammar.

Anonymous said...

Perry White
Peace

Nessa said...

I hope my editor doesn't delete me.

quilly said...

There are 2 things I cannot stand:
1.) attention I can't soak up
2.) curiosity

So, would somebody please edit Jim for clarity? I have no idea why he's talking about me!

quilly said...

Oops! Never mind! I often read the comments BEFORE I read the post.

Anonymous said...

Before I read this post - who employs the grouchy editor?

Do we pay to comment at this site?

Ariel the Thief said...

I don't know about others but Doug transfers my fee weekly, and I get chicks for free, too.

Jamie Dawn said...

Editor: a scissorhands.

:-)

Doug said...

Jim, you could always wait a spell. Nice catch, by the way.

Lily, rectitude only gives extra impetus to the exile.

Pansi, I'm just earning my afterlife, after all.

TLP, I'm getting a little big for my britches.

Sounds like a nurturing deity, Jenn. Well heathened.

Right on, Bear. Click away, Jimmy Olson.

Nessa, I think you can defend yourself at length.

Quilly, I'm skeptical of attention you can't soak up. That's like barbecue I can't finish.

Anonymous, the grouchy editor works for the satisfaction. If you properly follow proper protocols for payment, you may receive compensation in Hungarian Forints (5/200 sarcasms) like Ariel.

Ariel, you get chicks for eating in downtown Pest. It's only free when Wedewe buys. Hot dog-ok!

Ha, JD.

Anonymous said...

great caesar's ghost ,think it is
OLSEN.....(could not help myself,
must be a little editor in me,or just an _ss)....Peace

the check is in the mail,please do not block my access.........

Tom & Icy said...

Jimmy Olsen was the photographer and it is much more difficult for an editor to alter a picture than words.

Nicole said...

I like the 2009 update *chuckle* :)
Some probably should delete themselves ;)

Ariel the Thief said...

Anonymous2, you are so brave, the rest of us only dare to say things like "this blog is too smart for us to understand", and that "Doug is such a special person", hurray to you! Time for the caesar to walk naked!

Ariel the Thief said...

And I don't know what today's word will be but I do not get the definition!

weirsdo said...

Someone whose needs few offerings meet at this time.

Doug said...

Great Caesar's Ghost, Bear, I should have thought of that line when I answered you the first time.

And yet, Icy, you manage somehow.

Welcome, Nicole. Those that won't delete themselves become editors to others, I guess.

Ariel. Caesar is down to the bones now. For your sake maybe "Waking Retjo" should be next.

Stet the sentence, Weirsdo, whole.

tsduff said...

*leaves comment in usual crow fashion*

Michael K. Willis said...

I have made my peace with editors...somebody's gotta do it...and I put my voodoo dolls away (though I always have the urge to pull 'em out every time I am denied or deleted :-)

cooper said...

“How often we recall, with regret, that Napoleon once shot at a magazine editor and missed him and killed a publisher. But we remember with charity that his intentions were good.”

Mark Twain

That having been said, I could use one of those grouches.

Doug said...

Terry, glad I'm indoors.

Hey, there, Michael. I've found I can do without the dolls as long as I keep the pins handy.

Great quote, Coop. You do fine on your own.