Thursday, October 08, 2009

Woman

WOMAN, n. An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication. It is credited by many of the elder zoologists with a certain vestigial docility acquired in a former state of seclusion, but naturalists of the postsusananthony period, having no knowledge of the seclusion, deny the virtue and declare that such as creation's dawn beheld, it roareth now. The species is the most widely distributed of all beasts of prey, infesting all habitable parts of the globe, from Greeland's spicy mountains to India's moral strand. The popular name (wolfman) is incorrect, for the creature is of the cat kind. The woman is lithe and graceful in its movement, especially the American variety (Felis pugnans), is omnivorous and can be taught not to talk.
Balthasar Pober

2009 Update: The constructively gendered portion of the adult human population for whose sake every secret is hidden and all humor diluted. In traditional societies, woman is commonly the nurturer of children while in contemporary civilization she is more often mother to hyphens, commas and quotations.

Um. I might be offline a lot today. Just sayin'.

15 comments:

Nessa said...

I can't imagine why you would be hiding.

Nessa said...

My stick just isn't long enough to reach California.

Tom & Icy said...

Woof!

TLP said...

Woman: the better half of humankind. Just sayin'

Karen said...

2009 Update: In contemporary civilization, the blogosphere is the mother to hyphens, commas and quotations -- we are all at her mercy.

the amoeba said...

Throughout biology, the male is the expendable sex.

The male spider is a fraction of the size of the female, hoping that, by being so small, he can sneak out of the house in the morning to go to work without being caught and (ahem) invited to breakfast.

The male seahorse says "Look, let me take care of the kids!", thus sacrificing his sanity to preserve his life.

Human armies throughout history have contained exclusively males. One surviving man can ensure repopulation of the town. One surviving woman, not so much.

Thus, those who persist in spelling the word "wyman" ("wymyn", etc.) merely add to the already-considerable anxieties of the non-gestational gender.

Jim said...

..
Woman, pride of evolution—
where once she couldn't learn to talk,
now there's no way she'll be quiet.
Balthasar Pober update
..

Karen said...

That's not true, Jim. Women can be quiet. Some words are self-evident.

Ariel the Thief said...

I don't have to know what woman is, I am one.

Karen said...

On the other hand, Jim, you may be right.

pia said...

Yes TLP yes
I am woman don't hear me roar (someobdy had to say that--I paraphrased HR)

quilly said...

According to Dictionary.com, woman is "distinguished from man" and distinguished means "made conspicuous by excellence". I can live with that.

cooper said...

ha ha

I read Quilly's comment as "women is the distinguished form of man", and I like the mis-read definition.

Doug said...

Get behind me Nessa, and tempt me not.

Wise comment, Icy. The wisest.

TLP, I wouldn't disagree but you have to admit it's a low standard to set.

Karen, you're right. The blogosphere is an electric woman.

Amoeba, no gestation should mean no anxiety.

Well done, Jim. That's a keeper and a hider.

Karen, you do make a good point. Not even Gabriel Garcia Marquez ever wrote a paragraph so long that a woman couldn't express its entirety with "nothing."

So, Ariel, WOMAN, n. Thief?

Karen, he's at least smart.

Pia, how many of us are left who remember that HR is Helen Reddy?

Quilly, I bet you didn't see "permanently satisfied" anywhere in that definition.

Cooper, there's the evidence. There's always an improvement to be made.

weirsdo said...

Evidently "woman" comes before "fear" in more ways than one.