Gunpowder

GUNPOWDER, n. An agency employed by civilized nations for the settlement of disputes which might become troublesome if left unadjusted. By most writers the invention of gunpowder is ascribed to the Chinese, but not upon very convincing evidence. Milton says it was invented by the devil to dispel angels with, and this opinion seems to derive some support from the scarcity of angels. Moreover, it has the hearty concurrence of the Hon. James Wilson, Secretary of Agriculture.

Secretary Wilson became interested in gunpowder through an event that occurred on the Government experimental farm in the District of Columbia. One day, several years ago, a rogue imperfectly reverent of the Secretary's profound attainments and personal character presented him with a sack of gunpowder, representing it as the seed of the Flashawful flabbergastor, a Patagonian cereal of great commercial value, admirably adapted to this climate. The good Secretary was instructed to spill it along in a furrow and afterward inhume it with soil. This he at once proceeded to do, and had made a continuous line of it all the way across a ten-acre field, when he was made to look backward by a shout from the generous donor, who at once dropped a lighted match into the furrow at the starting-point. Contact with the earth had somewhat dampened the powder, but the startled functionary saw himself pursued by a tall moving pillar of fire and smoke and fierce evolution. He stood for a moment paralyzed and speechless, then he recollected an engagement and, dropping all, absented himself thence with such surprising celerity that to the eyes of spectators along the route selected he appeared like a long, dim streak prolonging itself with inconceivable rapidity through seven villages, and audibly refusing to be comforted. "Great Scott! what is that?" cried a surveyor's chainman, shading his eyes and gazing at the fading line of agriculturist which bisected his visible horizon. "That," said the surveyor, carelessly glancing at the phenomenon and again centering his attention upon his instrument, "is the Meridian of Washington."

2007 Update:  The aspirations of men, in the dried and powdered form.

Thinking Aloud

How do we measure an idea?

By whether it makes you wiser or freer?

By echoes rung from mumbling lips?

By boats afloat on questing trips?

By whether it can start a war?

By poetry and metaphor?

By destruction of our walls and fences,

Or inflation of pretenses?

By orators who take up the cause

And promulgation of new laws?

By if it gives your spirit wings

Or your pocket cash to spend on things?

Whatever thought quickens your blood,

If it gets through Congress, it's a dud.

FIRST PRINCIPLE, n.  An Afterthought.

Guillotine

GUILLOTINE, n. A machine which makes a Frenchman shrug his shoulders with good reason.

In his great work on Divergent Lines of Racial Evolution, the learned Professor Brayfugle argues from the prevalence of this gesture — the shrug — among Frenchmen, that they are descended from turtles and it is simply a survival of the habit of retracing the head inside the shell. It is with reluctance that I differ with so eminent an authority, but in my judgment (as more elaborately set forth and enforced in my work entitled Hereditary Emotions — lib. II, c. XI) the shrug is a poor foundation upon which to build so important a theory, for previously to the Revolution the gesture was unknown. I have not a doubt that it is directly referable to the terror inspired by the guillotine during the period of that instrument's activity.

2007 Update: A ruthless, efficient and democratic alternative to the electoral college or parliamentary procedure, although still far too kind.

A duke, despot, pasha or clown

Might well lose a head to the town.

But however truncated,

Tyranny's unabated,

Lost on the scaffold, found on the ground.

-Marat

Gum

GUM, n. A substance greatly used by young women in place of a contented spirit and religious consolation.

2007 Update: The common term for the gingiva which restrain the tongue and project the incisors, enabling organized religion.

Among The Olives

Episode 40 of 40 (plus an epilogue) in The Meditations of Diogenes The Cynic.

To hear the story, come in among the olives.

Say "Goodbye," Philosopher.

Bigot

BIGOT, n. One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.

2007 Update: Someone who fails to recognize the inferiority of his own kind, as well.

Boundary

BOUNDARY, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of the other.

2007 Update:  The length and breadth of the national interest.

Mutiny

The waves, they rose high,

The fog settled low

And a reef was scratching the keel

When the old Captain

Put down his pipe

And set back the remains of his meal.

"The voyage goes badly!"

The old captain bellowed,

"By mornin', this ship will be lumber.

"The compass is off,

The map is misplaced,

And the cabin boy couldn't be dumber."

"The cargo is poor

And we would be off course,

If our course, in the first place, were known.

The food has run thin

The water's grown thick

And the sails are too torn to be blown.

"The crewmen are drunk,

The officers, addled,

And if I'm once more to see Dover

Two choices I have:

Abandon the ship

Or mutiny and take her over."

-Adm. James L. Dobson, HMN

LEADERSHIP, n.  The maintenance of martyrdom.

Bed

BED, n.  A rack for the torture of the wicked; a citadel unfortified against remorse.

2007 Update:  The ferry that carries passion to the mill.

Balloon

BALLOON, n.  A contrivance for larding the earth with the fat of fools.

2007 Update: A decoy daddy.

Rabbit rabbit