Thursday, May 12, 2005

Heaven

Heaven, n. A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own.

2005 Update: A perfect world where sin remits and revenge forgets, the certainty of which alone can explain the behavior of heaven's adherents.

21 comments:

Manjusha said...

The Coney island of the Christian imagination.

Sunil Natraj said...

I love your blog.

karma said...

i want to go to hell ;))

Doug said...

Ha! Good one, Manjusha. How about "Nirvana, value-streamed."

Thanks, Sunil, that's nice.

Karma, if you go, use the buddy system.

GABRIEL C. ZOLMAN said...

The Jews have a terrific Rabbinical anecdote about the afterlife, wherein "in Paradise, believers get to listen to Moses read the Torah for eternity; whereas the damned are cursed...to listen to Moses read from the Torah for eternity." I'm probably butchering it, but it's a great concept. Very Swedenborg, if you think about it.

Relevant? Nah, but it was on my mind for some reason.

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GABRIEL C. ZOLMAN said...

Heaven, n. Mythical final abode and reward of the Christian deceased, whose presence must guarded in utmost secrecy, lest they be horrified to discover others there.

(old preacher joke:

Q: Why are the dead invisible?

A: Because if the Pentecostals could actually see the Catholics (etc.) in Heaven, they would revolt.

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Doug said...

Gabriel, relevance is irrelevant. As always, thanks for your additions. To my Jewish, Pentecostal and Catholic friends, the comments contained are the opinion of the commenters and may not reflect the opinion of Blogger, Waking Ambrose and the author, but then again, they might.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Doug said...

I've never deleted a comment yet, but the above looks a lot like spam. What say thou, my friends, mercy or the lions?

Jenn said...

Depends on what kind of commentors you get :)and Heaven sound wonderful. I was going to sound heavenly but I don't wanna be embarrased to sign this post.

GABRIEL C. ZOLMAN said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
GABRIEL C. ZOLMAN said...

"Mercy or lions?"

I've had to deal with enough Christians today. Send in the lions.

While posting comments is a valid (albeit gauche) way to gain site traffic for yourself...you could at least pretend to be interested in the blog you're posting on.
The rest of us post here because it is a nice exercise in lateral or creative thought first thing in the morning.
The last thing we want to see is a shameless plug. (By the way, I updated my site). :)

Participate or be banned, I say.

That is my 2 cents.

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Wardo said...

Revenge may never forget. It is the purest of motives.

-A

Doug said...

Jenn, anything embarassing on this site is mine. Knock yourelf out.

Gabriel, I haven't seen enough Christians but otherwise I think I agree.

Argus, a lot of people are betting the other way. Get in the game!

Anyone else with an opinion on executing spammers?

Steve said...

I post comments to other blogs all the time to draw traffic to my blog. It works to a point, but after the blog reached about 1000 visitors a day, posting comments doesn't seem to attract anyone to make a difference anymore.

It's not visitors I want, but interested people.

As to the original post, I think that "Heaven" could be redefined in 2005 in three words: "George Bush's plan."


-Steve
Games are for Children

Doug said...

Point, taken, Steve. Nonetheless, off with his or her head! I thank you for your comment, though, and wish you all the traffic in the world.

Lumbergh-in-training said...

heaven is filled with good girls, i don't wanna be there ;)

Doug said...

Lumbergh, probably not as many as you think.

Anonymous said...

"Heaven is a place where nothing, nothing ever happens"
- David Byrne

Doug said...

Anonymous, he also said "How did I get here?"

HabitualDamnation said...

heaven? it's a moment of eternal peace with god. either that or it's a place with rivers of beer and virgins with greek robes feedin you grapes...