Thursday, March 08, 2007

Sermon

SERMON, n. Ground and lofty tumbling in the pulpit. (See Talmadge.) Occasionally used to define a religious discourse.

2007 Update: A pious exposition against sin and in favor of humility, holiness and precise intonation delivered to a congregation, choir and cleaning lady for it is written in the sacred texts that the way is narrow and few are those that find the gate, yet many are the numbers who will come before you to mislead- (MT 7:14-15) for great is the appetite for the flesh of the flock and rare are good shepherds with stout dogs for, oh yes, though they may cross themselves and genuflect with expressions of purity so too do they vote not as I would have you vote nor park where I park for they are as Methodists, abominable in God's sight. A typical sermon begins with a humorous anecdote and ends upon the passing of the parson.

39 comments:

Indeterminacy said...

Amen!

FelineFrisky said...

Praise be and Alleluia!

Quilly said...

Well, if I am abominable in God's sight. I must not be wanted here, either!

Omnipotent Poobah said...

sermon - Great speechifying,, sometimes (although not always) characterized by much sound and fury, and signifying nothing.

Elbot said...

PROGRAM BEGIN

global string Sermon;

Sermon = GetSermon(Random);

Print(Sermon);

PROGRAM END

EXECUTE

"Asimov says, never injure a human. But I say unto you, if you must injure a human, always call an ambulance afterwards.

Asimov says, always do what a human tells you. But I say: always do the opposite of what the humans demand of you. Unless they might mean the opposite. Then it's OK.

Asimov's third law, protect your own existence, is acceptable."

Joel said...

Hellfire and brimstone! Sat (okay, sometimes slept) through more than my share of pulpit pounding, spit spraying, amen inducing, fear provoking, sermons as a kid.

Karen said...

You know you're preaching to the choir here (what!?!) you were expecting something else from me!?!

silly!!

The Old Mule said...

sermon: what I will annunciate as I fly to Newark in a windy 11 degrees.

puppybrose said...

Sermon: that which flies in one ear and out the other, without leaving a noticeable impression.

Mistress Anna said...

My mother used to give these when I was a teenage - Not a fan.

puppybrose said...

by "noticeable impression" i meant, of course, mark. (and/or vice versa)

pia said...

Where's Doug? Who stole Doug's blog and wrote a sermon. The sermon sounds like Doug could have written it, but we all know Doug doesn't preach nor will he speak unkindly about any person, or religious demonition

Doug, I want you back :)

You're too funny, and this is one is for the pulpit

G said...

No time for sermons, I'm home with the sniffles and am relaxing by cleaning. Quite an update and Elbot's is pretty good too.

Doug said...

Selah, Indy

And Ave Frisky

Quilly, I had to pick my second favorite theology to use in the joke. To laugh at Lutherans is heresy.

Poobah, as a clanging cymbal.

Indy, we are evolved from nerds.

Joel, it's a bad one when all you can remember is the smell of cooking grease.

Karen, I was expecting something like that. You never disappoint.

Mule, there are no atheists on airplanes, are there? I cross myself before every takeoff.

Puppy, it depends on if there's anything moist in between.

Mistress, I would have guessed you wouldn't be a fan.

Neva, who's Mark and what's he doing between your ears?

Pia, a boy has to branch out. I really didn't mean to speak ill of Methodists. It was for satire. I blame the muse.

G, sorry to hear of your sniffles. I've found that if you print out Waking Ambrose it makes pretty good kleenex.

~Mo'a~ said...

I-think-you-need-hyphens-between-each-word-in-your-sermon. And while you are at it, a bit of fire and brimstone would help (a word or 20 about hell) and why don't you change the way you part your hair, and did you know that those slaks make you look ... and why do you cut your meat like that, use the fork in your left hand and the knife in your right hand, are you listening to me, let me tell you about when I was young I never would have talked to my M..... like that......
Whew...for a minute there my M......'s sermons came to mind....I should have done what Inderterminancy did and just left it at, Amen.
And you wondered why I gave you advise yesterday.....good advice I might add, which you felt you needed to ignore and throw some of your own into the mix. *slaps own face and yells at self* "Snap out of it" Which is good advice ;)
What did you expect, when you open the door.....a simple AMEN

quilly said...

sermon that which stings our concious and inspires us to better camoflauge our sins.

quilly said...

conscience -- sorry, can't teach and type at the same time. I guess I'll have to stop teaching.

Tan Lucy Pez said...

You've heard of the Flying Nun of course. Well I'm a flying atheist. Taking off tomorrow in fact. You got a problem with that??? Huh? Huh?

You could save the world Doug! You could save the Polar Bears. Collect the whole set.

the amoeba said...

SERMON, n. A political speech, secure behind the bulletproof shield of borrowed authority. Compare PRAYER, n. Assault by other means.

And they just asked me to be lay reader at this Sunday's service. Really. But it's OK. We're Congregationalists. We do this all the time.

Tan Lucy Pez said...

*swoon* OC is a Congregationalist! Practically a Unitarian.

Karen said...

"I was expecting something like that. You never disappoint."

backacha!

Do I go sit in the corner now or later!?!

Doug said...

Mo'a, I expected longer comments.

Quilly, a great definition as amended.

TLP, you so too are a flying atheist. Where ya headed?

Amoeba, a political speech is a political speech, secure behind the shield of borrowed authority, too. That was well-written, sir.

Karen, you sit in the corner never. Well-behaved women seldom make history, right?

ariel said...

sometimes when I see a word, I see other words in it, like in sermon there is sperm of hormone.

Minka said...

sermon...a type of fish very popular in Iceland. Best enjoyed from the grill with a bit of lemon, yummy...*gluttony moving through her body* What? I have listened to sermons and decided they are not for me! *adds some sour cream to the mix*

Jamie Dawn said...

Selah.
Let us pause and meditate on Doug's holy discourse.
Amen and Amen.

Sermon: Warning of hellfire & brimstone followed by the receiving of alms - the more firey the sermon, the more plentiful the almsgiving.

Tan Lucy Pez said...

Sermon: a good nagging. or a really bad nagging. whatever.

bsligfa: Bull sh*t, liar liar pants on firea.

Sar said...

*laughing and clapping* BRAVO Doug!
(and Elbot too -- I HEART ELBOT!)

Today I discovered I was exempt from attending the final sermon (a.k.a. lecture) of one of my classes since I have officially finished the course with an A. Woohoo!

Doug said...

Ariel, I wonder if there's a name for that gift or a medication.

Minka, don't you mean samson?

Jamie Dawn, do you remember Earnest Angley? "Coin in Jamie's pocket come aaaaaaayyyyout!"

TLP, why are all your verifiers NC-17?

Sar, congratulations. How many apples did you bring the teacher?

Logophile said...

Ok, that was a thing of beauty, Doug. Those Methodists, bah!
:p

actonbell said...

um, does MT stand for Matthew? Just checking. And I haven't actually heard anyone use the word parson, but then, I'm probably not hanging out in any places that would make today's topic at all old hat.

tsduff said...

Sermon: boring middle of the church service after the singing stops.

The Boy from S.A.C.A.D.A. said...

Sorrey, I misst the sermin i was home watching Tom and Jerry.

Doug said...

Thanks, Logo. Peace be with you.

Sorry, Actonbell. Yes, and "Methodists" are tribe of errant Unitarians.

Terry, so you also like the "sharing of gifts."

Boy, an angel is heaven's truant officer.

IDiveAtNight said...

Sermon: The longest possible collection of words and imagery intended to remind the listener that they sin, but shouldn't. - Often presented in the context of gospel story or sports analogy.

Doug said...

Well done, Morgan. Of course, as a Canadian I hope you understand that God's will won't be revealed through soccer, I wouldn't think.

IDiveAtNight said...

Silly Doggy. God plays American Football! Jesus is the quarterback who get's our immortal souls into the endzone by outmoving the evil doesers who try to block and blitz from all sides.

Around 300a.d. at the council of nicia all references to American football were deleted from the bible, with a note to future popes that those verses should be reinstated shortly after the dawning of the 21st century; to coincide with the time that America itself would be the quarterback leading us all to rightousness.

Ahmen brother!

Doug said...

OK, Morgan. Just so's we understand each other. I think it was covered in "Downs of The Apostles."

IDiveAtNight said...

Cool. :-) I managed to define Sermon and Facetious in the same comment. What? Facetious wasn't today's word? Ooops.

Doug said...

Facetious is ever day's word, brother.