Evolution

EVOLUTION, n.  The process by which the higher organisms are gradually developed from the lower, as Man from the Assisted Immigrant, the Office-Holder from the Ward Boss, the Thief from the Office-Holder, etc.

2007 Update:  The science in which the various things that swim, creep, walk and grow on vines are named superior to their predecessors.  Spin-the-bottle, as played by scientists.

Egotist

EGOTIST, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.

Megaceph, chosen to serve the State
In the halls of legislative debate,
One day with all his credentials came
To the capitol's door and announced his name.
The doorkeeper looked, with a comical twist
Of the face, at the eminent egotist,
And said: "Go away, for we settle here
All manner of questions, knotty and queer,
And we cannot have, when the speaker demands
To be told how every member stands,
A man who to all things under the sky
Assents by eternally voting 'I'."

2007 Update:  A slow-footed servant.

7:15 A.M. Update:  A butterfly seeking a book deal.

Gather 'round children and listen to me

For I offer a warning against vanity

In my house on the hilltop, a tall mirror stands

For my image alone to be shown to my fans.

I hired a butler to be trained by the maid

For my comfort, not his, he was to be paid.

But I caught him at my mirror, adjusting his tie.

When pride fills your wings, better know how to fly.

Humbly, I hung this egotist from the rafter

And I tell you this story for caution and laughter.

-from My Diary

Hustings

To an abandoned mining town,

Southwest of Nye County

A man came to avoid the crowd

And elude a public bounty.

There stood a shambled dairy.

But where he built his lair,

Was a run down cemetery

Where the man campaigned for mayor.

"For though your prospects came to harm

I swear I've heard your pleas

I'll bear arms against the worm 

And educate the fleas.

"Although your time might have passed

And the reward been won for most

There's no excuse for earthly taxes

Levied on a ghost.

"Though Carson City threatens woe

Against our community,

When I'm mayor of Palmetto

We'll choose our destiny."

He campaigned long and promised bold,

But there's no mayor in that town.

For though the dead endorsed him cold,

The unions turned him down.

-Colonel Fremont

HUSTINGS, n. pl.  The stump of a perfectly good hanging tree.

More to the point, the happiest of birthdays to DDDragon!  I'll have a kit kat or something in your honor.

Editor

EDITOR, n. A person who combines the judicial functions of Minos, Rhadamanthus and Aeacus, but is placable with an obolus; a severely virtuous censor, but so charitable withal that he tolerates the virtues of others and the vices of himself; who flings about him the splintering lightning and sturdy thunders of admonition till he resembles a bunch of firecrackers petulantly uttering his mind at the tail of a dog; then straightway murmurs a mild, melodious lay, soft as the cooing of a donkey intoning its prayer to the evening star. Master of mysteries and lord of law, high-pinnacled upon the throne of thought, his face suffused with the dim splendors of the Transfiguration, his legs intertwisted and his tongue a-cheek, the editor spills his will along the paper and cuts it off in lengths to suit. And at intervals from behind the veil of the temple is heard the voice of the foreman demanding three inches of wit and six lines of religious meditation, or bidding him turn off the wisdom and whack up some pathos.

O, the Lord of Law on the Throne of Thought,

A gilded impostor is he.

Of shreds and patches his robes are wrought,

His crown is brass,

Himself an ass,

And his power is fiddle-dee-dee.

Prankily, crankily prating of naught,

Silly old quilly old Monarch of Thought.

Public opinion's camp-follower he,

Thundering, blundering, plundering free.

Affected,

Ungracious,

Suspected,

Mendacious,

Respected contemporaree!

—J.H. Bumbleshook

2007 Update:  A terse macaw among long-winded owls.  

Expectation

EEXPECTATION, n.  The state or condition of mind which in  the procession of human emotions is preceded by hope and followed by despair.

2007 Update:  The pastoral battlefield in which the unknown overrun the forgotten, where fools become officers and wise men, cowards.

...and TLP is first.

The Ugliest Drowned Man in The World

Episode 34 of 40 in The Meditations of Diogenes The Cynic. Thanks to Heirs Without Hairs for this week's reading.

To hear the story, listen good.

This week, in The Prattler,

"The Lonesome Life of Jose Padilla. "

To read the story, throw away your bowl.

Ah, and I should probably announce that there remains one (1) episode left unassigned. If you've been on the fence about reading, speak now or hold your peace until we maybe do something like this again next year.

King's Evil

KING'S EVIL, n. A malady that was formerly cured by the touch of the sovereign, but has now to be treated by the physicians. Thus "the most pious Edward" of England used to lay his royal hand upon the ailing subjects and make them whole —

a crowd of wretched souls
That stay his cure: their malady convinces
The great essay of art; but at his touch,
Such sanctity hath Heaven given his hand,
They presently amend,

as the "Doctor" in Macbeth hath it. This useful property of the royal hand could, it appears, be transmitted along with other crown properties; for according to "Malcolm,"

'tis spoken
To the succeeding royalty he leaves
The healing benediction.

But the gift somewhere dropped out of the line of succession: the later sovereigns of England have not been tactual healers, and the disease once honored with the name "king's evil" now bears the humbler one of "scrofula," from scrofa, a sow. The date and author of the following epigram are known only to the author of this dictionary, but it is old enough to show that the jest about Scotland's national disorder is not a thing of yesterday.

Ye Kynge his evill in me laye,
Wh. he of Scottlande charmed awaye.
He layde his hand on mine and sayd:
"Be gone!" Ye ill no longer stayd.
But O ye wofull plyght in wh.
I'm now y-pight: I have ye itche!

The superstition that maladies can be cured by royal taction is dead, but like many a departed conviction it has left a monument of custom to keep its memory green. The practice of forming a line and shaking the President's hand had no other origin, and when that great dignitary bestows his healing salutation on

strangely visited people,
All swoln and ulcerous, pitiful to the eye,
The mere despair of surgery,

he and his patients are handing along an extinguished torch which once was kindled at the altar-fire of a faith long held by all classes of men. It is a beautiful and edifying "survival" — one which brings the sainted past close home in our "business and bosoms."

2007 Update:  An illness the remedy of which was the touch of the sovereign, which is now known to be the bacillus of poverty and sloth.

Krishna

KRISHNA, n.  A form under which the pretended god Vishnu became incarnate.  A very likely story indeed.

2007 Update:  An ox-herder who was born a deity and conquered demons to become a prince of men.  This remains the standard political biography, except that in modernity the demons are consulted instead.

Lemons

When we consider the human condition

We might fear we've become inorganic,

Preparing our blogs' latest edition

And typing through our social panic.

From the forest we've come and to daisies we go.

Like veggies, we strive in between.

A GPS system and keyless car doors

Come complete when we try to go green.

Fruit can be found in trees and on vines.

Fruit can be found on store-shelves.

The sour, young lemon is found in the lines

That poets still write to themselves.

So it's not that man's nature has been suppressed

And it's not that our future won't fit us.

When you wake up and before you get dressed

Tell yourself "I am good enough citrus!"

NUT, n.  The fruit of either a tree or the land of the free.

Kill

KILL, v.t.  To create a vacancy without nominating a successor.

2007 Update:  To provide a satisfying answer to the question "why?"