Hautboy

HAUTBOY, n. The least noisy of boys.

2010 Update: A double-reeded instrument named for its similarity to a Parisian waiter.

Hatred

HATRED, n. A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority.

2010 Update: A halo stuck in the throat.

Hare

HARE, n. A quadruped of the genus Lepus, of which the principle variety is the jackass rabbit-the Felis Nevadensis, of Humbolt. The jackass rabbit is sometimes called Cervus Chismori, in honor of a celebrated sportsman who in moments of excitement commonly swears it is a deer.

2010 Update: A long-eared lagomorph, Coniculum curriculum, endowed by its creator with the gifts of swiftness and eavesdropping. Unlike the interfering neighbor, or Avis adamantus, custom reports the hare having wasted both talents.

Hardware

HARDWARE, n. Women's consciences.

2010 Update: Men's indulgences.

Independence Day 2010

As once again, July 4

Comes a-rapping at the door

The patriot's dilemma quickens

Beaks of macaws, eagles and chickens.

As we, chirpy, contemplate

Our nation's most auspicious date,

Consider flying in unity,

To form a letter besides "V."

-Winston Franklin

HONOR, n. Humility.

Wine in the bottle

Let us spare ourselves a friendly word

For the finest things that ne'er occurred

For the war and rhyme and infidelity

We dreamt but that weren't meant to be.

To the stories passionately told

Of Cleopatra in her gown of gold,

And dancing girls whose eyes are bold,

Leering at the soft and old.

To important drunkards and their tales

Of success in which the whole world fails

A toast to each, and for each a round

And a turned ear out for every sound.

To fishes caught, the size of manses,

To exotic women and their dances

To daring do done without fear-

Heroic feats I see from here.

I raise my glass and bow my head

To heroic, happy quick and dead

The tree of patriots who fled,

Fertilized with blood unshed

For in our faith and our delusions

We're martyrs made without contusions

The tree of liberty was sappened

With history that never happened.

As one, we'll revel in the pasts

That one day will come true, at last.

The most compelling that make most sense

Are told with nostalgia in future tense.

-Thos. Jefferson

HISTORICAL, adj. Of or pertaining to remembered expectations.

Hearse

HEARSE, n. Death's baby carriage.

2010 Update: Transportation sent for the departed.

Programming note: I am leaving soon for the Deep Springs classes of the 80s reunion. I have great intentions of posting a story in the morning and something normal on Monday but Deep Springs may or may not be on the grid and I may or may not be on the wire. If you don't hear from me until Tuesday, please only complain sincerely.

Hybrid

HYBRID, n. A pooled issue.

2010 Update: The product of two or more earlier strains, such as a jackelope, a chimera, a Californian or an opera.

Harmonists

HARMONISTS, n. A sect of Protestants, now extinct, who came from Europe in the beginning of the last century and were distinguished for the bitterness of their internal controversies and dissensions.

2010 Update: A pietistic sect remembered more for the quality of its preaching than for the sensitivity of its hearing.

Happiness

HAPPINESS, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.

2010 Update: The pervasive pleasure forstered by forgetfulness, miscalculation, intoxication and the mistaking of statistical inevitability for prophesy by a silly optimist. An early sign of lunacy, dementia or paranoia to a gloomy diagnostician.

To popcorn

Gold in innocence, plump mature,

Salty and greasy, even when pure,

Thy puff'd grain insubstantial-

Thy bursting, a glory financial,

Industry follows thee into the dirt

And back up and out of the field

For it's thy explosive inertia,

That grants all our endeavors a yield.

HEDGEFUND, n. An investment in privacy offering impressive if unredeemable returns.

Hurricane

HURRICANE, n. An atmospheric demonstration once very common but now generally abandoned for the tornado and cyclone. The hurricane is still in popular use in the West Indies and is preferred by certain old-fashioned sea-captains. It is also used in the construction of the upper decks of steamboats, but generally speaking, the hurricane's usefulness has outlasted it.

2010 Update: A tropical depression, an agent of tropical depression or a cure for tropical depression. A moderate depression is a dell with a farmer in it.

Hornet

HORNET, n. A red hot meteor of many tons weight, which sometimes hits a fellow unexpectedly between the eyes and knocks him silly. It is represented symbolically, as an insect with a bald head and an influential tail, but the man who has incurred a hornet shot out of a clear sky is not satisfied with that kind of representation, and avers with feeling that an instantaneous photograph of a hornet in flight would tell a different story.

2010 Update: A winged blessing thoughtfully dispatched by the creator to provide relief from long explanations.

Half

HALF, n. One of two equal parts into which a thing may be divided, or considered as divided. In the fourteenth century a heated discussion arose among theologists and philosophers as to whether Omniscience could part an object into three halves; and the pious Father Aldrovinus publicly prayed in the cathedral at Rouen that God would demonstrate the affirmative of the proposition in some signal and unmistakable way, and particularly (if it should please Him) upon the body of that hardy blasphemer, Manutius Procinus, who maintained the negative. Procinus, however, was spared to die of the bite of a viper.

2010 Update: The popular portion, often sought thrice.

Hag

HAG, n. An elderly lady whom you do not happen to like; sometimes called, also, a hen, or cat. Old witches, sorceresses, etc., were called hags from the belief that their heads were surrounded by a kind of baleful lumination or nimbus — hag being the popular name of that peculiar electrical light sometimes observed in the hair. At one time hag was not a word of reproach: Drayton speaks of a "beautiful hag, all smiles," much as Shakespeare said, "sweet wench." It would not now be proper to call your sweetheart a hag — that compliment is reserved for the use of her grandchildren.

2009 Update: A woman time has granted a man's portion of disagreeableness or a goat deprived of lechery.

The Aesthete and the Chimpanzee, A Fable for Children

Once upon a time, an aesthete and a chimpanzee sat down for tea and a continental breakfast. In the course of the conversation, the topic of religion naturally arose. The aesthete argued passionately that the soul of religion itself is not faith but ritual. The chimpanzee listened intently until, perhaps bored with the lecture, she leapt onto the tea service and did a back-flip, demonstrating her intellectual elitism.

HAUTEUR, n. Speaker envy.

Lighter together

Building fence alone's a discouraging thing,

Sinking posts and stringing bob wire.

A horseman afoot with no friend to bring

Comes slowly across deserts burnt by wind instead of fire.

Staples bend, hammers drop, no spare hand to retrieve 'em

Marks are made too far and light for two eyes to perceive 'em

Lies are invented and repeated with no ear there to believe 'em

And gates go in too woody and wide for two arms to achieve 'em.

So if your vision is of a new Earth

And you have a mission to pursue

My advice, for what it's worth,

Is there's more lasting work to do.

When the weather sours and breezes rise as they do each November-

Douse your campfire and take some time to spit on ev'ry ember,

Pack up your bedroll, your come-along and jug, if you remember,

And head for town and find you a committee needs a member.

-Elko Smithers

HIGH-MISSION, adj. Low effort.

Homicide

HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain whether he fell by one kind or another — the classification is for advantage of the lawyers.

2009 Update: Inverted nostalgia. Philosophy from the seed.

Heat

HEAT, n.

Heat, says Professor Tyndall, is a mode
Of motion, but I know now how he's proving
His point; but this I know — hot words bestowed
With skill will set the human fist a-moving,
And where it stops the stars burn free and wild.
Crede expertum — I have seen them, child.
—Gorton Swope

2009 Update: The condition poets will call inspiring, construction crews perspiring, joggers respirational, surfers recreational, the sleepy soporific, and the chef prolific; as measured by a thermometer.

Hypocrite

HYPOCRITE, n. One who, professing virtues that he does not respect, secures the advantage of seeming to be what he despises.

2009 Update: A man alleging hypocrisy.