Saturday, October 30, 2010

The Reformation of Wolfshausen

Teil Vierundneunzig
To hear TLP read this week's story, click on the angry man.

Or, you can read this episode with the adolescent novice at left.

The story so far is here.

And happy birthday to my separated-at-birth sister and TLP's separated-at-birth daughter.

Friday, October 29, 2010


PILLORY, n. mechanical device for inflicting personal distinction- prototype of the modern newspaper conducted by persons of austere virtues and blameless lives.

2010 Update: v.t. To redistribute disdain. To shield a pig with a goat.

Thursday, October 28, 2010


PIGMY, n. One of a tribe of very small men found by ancient travelers in many parts of the world, but by modern in Central Africa only. The Pigmies are so called to distinguish them from the bulkier Caucasians — who are Hogmies.

2010 Update: An economical race that grows smaller than the rest of its species. An individual smaller than the rest of its race may be known as a RUNT, BIGFELLA or GOSSIP.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Social Network

This world's become a narrow one,
A billion-thronged bar,
Where strangers meet for folly and fun,
Like clowns meet in a car.
There's little I can give or take,
Hear me now, old dudes,
You can't get from a bull or drake
But cowboy songs and attitudes.
I'm not too sure I like this world
(And wasn't so sure, then)
But now we can corral ourselves
Without need of a pen.

CORRESPONDENCE, n. An incursion by breeze, at times preferable to a siege.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010


PIG, n. An animal (porcus omnivorus) closely allied to the human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope, for it sticks at pig.

2010 Update: The lexicographer of the barnyard.

Monday, October 25, 2010


PICTURE, n. A representation in two dimensions of something wearisome in three.
"Behold great Daubert's picture here on view —
Taken from Life." If that description's true,
Grant, heavenly Powers, that I be taken, too.
—Jali Hane
2010 Update: A visible fiction.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

The Reformation of Wolfshausen

Teil Dreiundneunzig
To hear this week's story, listen for the cock to crow.

Or, you can read this episode on the way to the children's crusade.
The story so far is here.

Friday, October 22, 2010


BEARD, n. The hair that is commonly cut off by those who justly execrate the Chinese custom of shaving the head.

2010 Update: Facial hair cultivated by cultured men to distinguish themselves from lunatics and visa-versa.

Thursday, October 21, 2010


BASSO-RELIEVO, n. (Italian) Low relief. The relief of a sick vulgarian.

2010 Update: A sculpture flat enough to be used on a memorial.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010


A troubled conscience robs the rest,
Pressing the pillowed heart to motion.
Fretful signs of troubled times
Pry the puffed eye open.
Bed bugs prick the mouth and skin
And bring the prone physique to life
And I have heard by muffled word
That so might do a wife.
Langor drowns in tropic sweat
Burnt baking stabs the snoring nose
But if insomnia is, once more, to score
Let a lightning storm take my repose.

INSOMNIA, n. A prerequisite for sleeping in.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010


BAPTISM, n. A sacred rite of such efficacy that he who finds himself in heaven without having undergone it will be unhappy forever. It is performed with water in two ways — by immersion, or plunging, and by aspersion, or sprinkling.
But whether the plan of immersion
Is better than simple aspersion
Let those immersed
And those aspersed
Decide by the Authorized Version,
And by matching their agues tertian.
2010 Update: A prophylactic against the punishment for sins still to be perpetrated.

Monday, October 18, 2010


BACON, n. The mummy of a pig embalmed in brine. To "save one's bacon" is to narrowly escape some particular woman, or other peril.
By heaven forsaken
By justice o'ertaken
He saved his bacon
By cutting a single slice of it;
For 'twas cut from the throat,
And we venture to quote
Death, hell and the grave as the price of it.
S.F. Journal of Commerce
2010 Update: The portion on which a hog may sleep and a man might dream.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

The Reformation of Wolfshausen

Teil Zwoundneunzig
To hear this week's story, listen for Adalbert's wrath.

Or, you can read this episode in the Chi-Rho at left.

The story so far is here.

Friday, October 15, 2010


IMPLACABLE, adj. Not to be appeased without a large sum of money.

2010 Update: Indivertably committed to one's course, as a man at supper.

Thursday, October 14, 2010


IMPIETY, n. Your irreverance toward my deity.

2010 Update: A sin against the halo.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The Well Designed Man

My fingers cramp, my arms don't bend
My neck is sore, I'm near the end,
My teeth are loose, my ears are waxy
My stomach's fraught and hot and laxy
My feet are blistered, toes grown furry,
My knees are stiff, sometimes I worry
My soul's grown vacant, skull has too
It's a shame what years will do
Hollowed, hardened, round and dangled
Thirsty, falling, unfilled, tangled
Yet I know rising, buoyant hope
As a bucket on a rope.

LEAK, n. A supply-side sip.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010


IMPENITENCE, n. A state of mind intermediate in point of time between sin and punishment.

2010 Update: Invisibility.

Monday, October 11, 2010


IMPECCABLE, adj. Not liable to detection.

2010 Update: Granted only one appraisal, unuttered.

Saturday, October 09, 2010

The Reformation of Wolfshausen

Teil Einundneunzig
To hear this week's story, follow Dietrich and Gretchen down the streets of Marburg.

Or, you can read this episode with Jan.

The story so far is here.

Friday, October 08, 2010


GYMNAST, n. A man who puts his brains into his muscles. The word is from the Greek gumnos, naked, all the athletic exercises being performed in that shocking conditions; but the members of the Olympic Club make a compromise between the requirements of the climate and those of the ladies who attend their exhibitions. They wear their pyjamas.

2010 Update: An athlete gifted with all the talents of an assassin but burdened with none of the responsibilities.

Regarding the post time: It seemed awfully quiet.

Thursday, October 07, 2010

Gordion Knot

GORDIAN KNOT, n. Gordon, the King of Khartoum, had as a fastening to his war-chariot a knot so intricate that neither end of the thong could be seen, and he used to brag about it a good deal. Instructed by an oracle, he declared that anybody attempting to undo it and failing should stand the beer, but anybody succeeding should receive the greatest honor that he had ever conferred-a favor which would turn the unsuccessful competitors pea-green with envy and break them all up: the King would shake him for the drinks. When this decree was promulgated all Gordon's subjects joined the Good Templars, but Alexander Badlam of Macedon hearing about it, started at once for the Soudanese capital. Ushered with great pomp into the harness-room, he took out his pocket-knife and calmly cut the knot, remarking with the ready wit which distinguished him from the humorist of the period: "Get onto that racket, my son." "Shake," replied the monarch with truly oriental exuberance of imagery. They shook, using four dice. The King threw four sixes. "Two small pairs," he explained, with royal unconcern. Alexander dumped the cubes back into the box, blew into it, muttered a few cabalistic words and threw. Five deuces! "In Macedon this is the national game, endeared to the popular heart by seventeen centuries of unbroken succcess, and I have been brought through it with a lantern," said he, laconically. Graciously pleased to mark his sense of the performance in words of memorable significance, the monarch exclaimed: "You take the cake," and led the way to the royal sideboard, when, later in the day, Alexander, over three fingers of same as before, explained with the richness of metaphor which characterizes the speech of men familiar with that barbaric splendor of Eastern courts: "It's a cold day when I get left."

2010 Update: In legend, a knot that so frustrated attempts to unwind it that Alexander the Great was inspired to cut it with a sword. The memory of the Gordion Knot is often used as a pedagogical device to describe a problem so complex that only common sense can solve it.

Wednesday, October 06, 2010

Versity Training

Some rhyme, some meter, perhaps a point
And then our jests we must anoint-
Behold, a new authority,
Listen, now, at last, to me:
A misty forest's just the place
To wander in a state of grace,
Where death and lilies wander 'bout
On paws and metaphors for doubt
Where love and thorns and meadows nourish
The Condors, tribes and pegasi who flourish
In the oft trod land of plaintive verses
Or funny rhymes and snores and worstest.

VERSIFIER, n. A diligent babbler. High mukmuk and secretary-treasurer to the Glossolallians.

Tuesday, October 05, 2010


GENEALOGY, n. An account of one's descent from an ancestor who did not particularly care to trace his own.

2010 Update: An idle sifting through the past for the foundation of a dynamic future.

Monday, October 04, 2010


GREAT, n.[SIC] Distinguished by superior excellence among one's fellows, as Hector Stuart among Bards of the South Sea, Dr. Bartlett among the Bulletin's agricultural homilists, Peter Robertson among the writers of "Undertones" in the Chronicle and Harrie McDowell among the fat boys of the Ingleside.
"I'm great," the lion said-"I reign
The monarch of the wood and plain!"

The elephant replied: "I'm great-
No quadruped can match my weight!"

"I'm great- no animal has half
So long a neck!" said the Giraffe.

"I'm great," the kangaroo said-"See
My caudal muscularity!"

"The Possum said: "I'm great-behold,
My tail is lithe and bald and cold!"

"An Oyster fried was understood
To say "I'm great because I'm good!"

Each reckons greatness to consist
In that in which he heads the list.

And Harris thinks he tops his class
Because he is the greatest Ass.
2010 Update: adj. Surmounting falling standards, as the man who, having walked down the beach at low tide and returned with dry feet is declared to walk on water.

Saturday, October 02, 2010

The Reformation of Wolfshausen

Teil Neunzig
To hear this week's story, gather around the preacher.

Or, you can read this episode with Pontius Pilate and Barrabas.

The story so far is here.

Friday, October 01, 2010


CREDITOR, n. One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial Straits and dreaded for their desolating incursions.

2010 Update: A previous patron turned parasite, such as a silkworm after harvest.