Beard

BEARD, n. The hair that is commonly cut off by those who justly execrate the Chinese custom of shaving the head.

2010 Update: Facial hair cultivated by cultured men to distinguish themselves from lunatics and visa-versa.

Basso-Relievo

BASSO-RELIEVO, n. (Italian) Low relief. The relief of a sick vulgarian.

2010 Update: A sculpture flat enough to be used on a memorial.

Baptism

BAPTISM, n. A sacred rite of such efficacy that he who finds himself in heaven without having undergone it will be unhappy forever. It is performed with water in two ways — by immersion, or plunging, and by aspersion, or sprinkling.

But whether the plan of immersion
Is better than simple aspersion
Let those immersed
And those aspersed
Decide by the Authorized Version,
And by matching their agues tertian.
—G.J.

2010 Update: A prophylactic against the punishment for sins still to be perpetrated.

Bacon

BACON, n. The mummy of a pig embalmed in brine. To "save one's bacon" is to narrowly escape some particular woman, or other peril.

By heaven forsaken
By justice o'ertaken
He saved his bacon
By cutting a single slice of it;
For 'twas cut from the throat,
And we venture to quote
Death, hell and the grave as the price of it.
S.F. Journal of Commerce

2010 Update: The portion on which a hog may sleep and a man might dream.

Bloodthirsty

BLOODTHIRSTY, adj. Addicted to the wanton wasting of blood- which is probably very good to drink.

2010 Update: Sanguine, as a stranger. Unfamiliar.

A hangman told me, over beer,

"My job I can do free from fear."

I asked him, then, to tell me good,

Why cloak the sinner in a hood?

He answered, "Well, before I frees 'em,

I dress 'em as the jury sees them."

-Dresden Snappletort, Esq.

Billingsgate

BILLINGSGATE, n. The invective of an opponent.

2010 Update: The cooing of a dove, translated into English or German.

Bachelor

BACHELOR, n. A man whom women are still sampling.

2010 Update: A man whose sobriquet is more flattering than his compliments.

Blue-Stocking

BLUE-STOCKING, n. A woman who for their slight of her personal charms revenges herself upon men by caricaturing science, art, letters or learning.

"They call me a blue-stocking!" madam explained;
"Pray why, of all ladies, should I, sir, be named
From the hue of my stockings, which man never spied?"
"Nor ever desired to," the villain replied."

2010 Update: A Boston baseball fan after the 2005 American League Division Series. Prior to that, a Chicago baseball fan of perennial season-ending poverty virtue.

It takes a Wilderness

When baby-sitting five and two,

There's certain things you need to do

And certain friends you ought to keep

'Ere entering the forest deep.

Without a lion from the zoo

The woodsy path's a road to rue

When discipline and reading's boring

Someone has to start the roaring.

A shuffling, shrieking wild man

Is also good to keep at hand

When the way gets muddy or gets lost

The kids can still go forth as tossed.

No childcare council's fully strong

'Til a dinosaur has come along.

For little boys respect no laws

Not enforced with teeth and claws.

It takes a wilderness to watch two boys

Their tricks and turns and broken toys

But so it falls an uncle's duty...

(OK, sure, Uncle Doug said "doody.")

I tell you this so those who follow

Won't find themselves down in the hollow,

Scratched and sore and damp with pee

Fare well but it's too late for me.

BRAT, n. A sausage to be grilled or boiled in beer.

Bologna-Sausage

BOLOGNA-SAUSAGE, n. A dead dog that is better than a living lion, but not to eat.

2010 Update: A mixed meat crafted according to regulation rather than recipe.

Bastinado

BASTINADO, n. The act of walking on wood without exertion.

2010 Update: A form of discipline involving the caning or whacking of the sole for the protection and preservation of the caner or whacker's soul. The method is currently in retreat in favor of isolation and Game Boy (TM).

Berenice's Hair

BERENICE'S HAIR, n. A constellation (Coma Berenices) named in honor of one who sacrificed her hair to save her husband.

Her locks an ancient lady gave
Her loving husband's life to save;
And men — they honored so the dame —
Upon some stars bestowed her name.

But to our modern married fair,
Who'd give their lords to save their hair,
No stellar recognition's given.
There are not stars enough in heaven.
—G.J.

2010 Update: A purloined wig for the goddess of beauty.

Barrack

BARRACK, n. A house in which soldiers enjoy a portion of that of which it is their business to deprive others.

2010 Update: An armory building set aside for the maintenance of targets.

Bacchus

BACCHUS, n. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.

Is public worship, then, a sin,

That for devotions paid to Bacchus

The lectors dare to run us in,

And resolutely thump and whack us?

Jorace

2010 Update: The Roman deity responsible for self-indulgence.

The moon is full and Bacchus dances,

The cards reveal the fool is on his way.

The day has come to take some chances.

Uncork the bottle we stole yesterday!

-Carrie Nation

Blackguard

BLACKGUARD, n. A man whose qualities, prepared for display like a box of berries in a market- the fine ones on top- have been opened on the wrong side. An inverted gentleman.

2010 Update: The third person, universal.

Bomb, or Bomb-shell

BOMB, or BOMB-SHELL, n. A besieger's argument in favor of capitulation, skillfully adapted to the understandings of women and children.

2010 Update: A particularly democratic form of authoritarianism.

Book-Learning

BOOK-LEARNING, n. The dunce's derisive term for all knowledge that transcends his own impenitent ignorance.

2010 Update: Education by quotation, citation and the dissemination of qualification. Controversy over the comparative efficacy of book-learning as compared to common sense (tutelage by TV and trauma) divides the Populist and Elitist branches of The Fools.

TLP, Decider

A morning is for glory,

Late morn for glory past,

When a man can sit upon his couch

And be thoughtful at last.

But quiet, cautious contemplation

Serves only as a provocation

To the kind of woman whose vacation

She spends spreading aggravation.

Do the Roosters out in Pennsyltucky

Arise to Lucy's crowing?

Do the clouds break when she thunders

And the winds gust when she's blowing?

Here in LA, the sky is brightening,

The weather's clear, the morals heightening.

The burdens of the times are lightening

But I won't relax while Lucy's tightening.

BOSSY, adj. Minutely gracious.

Brain

BRAIN, n. An apparatus with which we think what we think. That which distinguishes the man who is content to be something from the man who wishes to do something. A man of great wealth, or one who has been pitchforked into high station, has commonly such a headful of brain that his neighbors cannot keep their hats on. In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, brain is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

2009 Update: An organ ingeniously, though mindlessly, devised by nature to absorb the force of impact against the cranium from, for example, walls, trees or incited violence. Nature's styrofoam peanut.

Without a soft, spongy, compressible brain to fill the interior, injuries such as the one depicted (right) would pose a much greater threat to the integrity of the skull.

Happy birthday, to my brother, Andy. (Be assured, today's word selection is purely coincidental)

Happy birthday, also, to Nessa.

Brain

BRAIN, v.t. To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source of error in an opponent.

2009 Update: To misdirect a rebuttal, well on the high side.