Deposit

DEPOSIT, n. A charitable contribution to the support of a bank.

2010 Update: A portion of there allocated to the establishment of a new here.

Defaulter

DEFAULTER, n. An important officer in a bank, who commonly adds to his regular functions the duties of cashier.

2010 Update: A restitutionary revolutionary. The median American.

Advice to my nephew, Eamon, on the day after his third birthday

Mama's fine, don't mind the cracks

But watch where you put your feet.

A life is led in countless steps

And strangers you will meet.

Each one's a home and family

Each is a trap to bind your toes

Every place you go's somewhere you'll leave

And every path, to one more flows.

Nod your head at the lunatic

Hide yawns below the preacher

Hold the door for every girl your age

Whether you're glad to reach her.

Laugh with anyone who strikes you funny

Cry with everyone pathetic

Let every dream a dreamer shares

Be your own soul's diuretic.

For everything you say and write,

Each and every word

Will sound to you like heaven's voice

And to Uncle Doug, absurd.

Keep your feet beneath you-

Your day has come at last-

Keep one eye open, one hand held out,

And waddle forward to your past.

CORNY, adj. Avuncular

Defame

DEFAME, v.t. To lie about another. To tell the truth about another.

2010 Update: To martyr without slaying, a shameful waste of piety.

And happy birthday to Eamon!

Decide

DECIDE, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences over another set.

A leaf was riven from a tree,
"I mean to fall to earth," said he.

The west wind, rising, made him veer.
"Eastward," said he, "I now shall steer."

The east wind rose with greater force.
Said he: "'Twere wise to change my course."

With equal power they contend.
He said: "My judgment I suspend."

Down died the winds; the leaf, elate,
Cried: "I've decided to fall straight."

"First thoughts are best?" That's not the moral;
Just choose your own and we'll not quarrel.

Howe'er your choice may chance to fall,
You'll have no hand in it at all.
—G.J.

2010 Update: To offer destiny a consideration.

Pillory

PILLORY, n. mechanical device for inflicting personal distinction- prototype of the modern newspaper conducted by persons of austere virtues and blameless lives.

2010 Update: v.t. To redistribute disdain. To shield a pig with a goat.

Pigmy

PIGMY, n. One of a tribe of very small men found by ancient travelers in many parts of the world, but by modern in Central Africa only. The Pigmies are so called to distinguish them from the bulkier Caucasians — who are Hogmies.

2010 Update: An economical race that grows smaller than the rest of its species. An individual smaller than the rest of its race may be known as a RUNT, BIGFELLA or GOSSIP.

Social Network

This world's become a narrow one,
A billion-thronged bar,
Where strangers meet for folly and fun,
Like clowns meet in a car.

There's little I can give or take,

Hear me now, old dudes,

You can't get from a bull or drake

But cowboy songs and attitudes.
I'm not too sure I like this world
(And wasn't so sure, then)
But now we can corral ourselves
Without need of a pen.

CORRESPONDENCE, n. An incursion by breeze, at times preferable to a siege.

Pig

PIG, n. An animal (porcus omnivorus) closely allied to the human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope, for it sticks at pig.

2010 Update: The lexicographer of the barnyard.

Picture

PICTURE, n. A representation in two dimensions of something wearisome in three.

"Behold great Daubert's picture here on view —
Taken from Life." If that description's true,
Grant, heavenly Powers, that I be taken, too.
—Jali Hane

2010 Update: A visible fiction.

Beard

BEARD, n. The hair that is commonly cut off by those who justly execrate the Chinese custom of shaving the head.

2010 Update: Facial hair cultivated by cultured men to distinguish themselves from lunatics and visa-versa.

Basso-Relievo

BASSO-RELIEVO, n. (Italian) Low relief. The relief of a sick vulgarian.

2010 Update: A sculpture flat enough to be used on a memorial.

Baptism

BAPTISM, n. A sacred rite of such efficacy that he who finds himself in heaven without having undergone it will be unhappy forever. It is performed with water in two ways — by immersion, or plunging, and by aspersion, or sprinkling.

But whether the plan of immersion
Is better than simple aspersion
Let those immersed
And those aspersed
Decide by the Authorized Version,
And by matching their agues tertian.
—G.J.

2010 Update: A prophylactic against the punishment for sins still to be perpetrated.

Bacon

BACON, n. The mummy of a pig embalmed in brine. To "save one's bacon" is to narrowly escape some particular woman, or other peril.

By heaven forsaken
By justice o'ertaken
He saved his bacon
By cutting a single slice of it;
For 'twas cut from the throat,
And we venture to quote
Death, hell and the grave as the price of it.
S.F. Journal of Commerce

2010 Update: The portion on which a hog may sleep and a man might dream.

Implacable

IMPLACABLE, adj. Not to be appeased without a large sum of money.

2010 Update: Indivertably committed to one's course, as a man at supper.

Impiety

IMPIETY, n. Your irreverance toward my deity.

2010 Update: A sin against the halo.

Impenitence

IMPENITENCE, n. A state of mind intermediate in point of time between sin and punishment.

2010 Update: Invisibility.

Impeccable

IMPECCABLE, adj. Not liable to detection.

2010 Update: Granted only one appraisal, unuttered.

Gymnast

GYMNAST, n. A man who puts his brains into his muscles. The word is from the Greek gumnos, naked, all the athletic exercises being performed in that shocking conditions; but the members of the Olympic Club make a compromise between the requirements of the climate and those of the ladies who attend their exhibitions. They wear their pyjamas.

2010 Update: An athlete gifted with all the talents of an assassin but burdened with none of the responsibilities.

Regarding the post time: It seemed awfully quiet.

Gordion Knot

GORDIAN KNOT, n. Gordon, the King of Khartoum, had as a fastening to his war-chariot a knot so intricate that neither end of the thong could be seen, and he used to brag about it a good deal. Instructed by an oracle, he declared that anybody attempting to undo it and failing should stand the beer, but anybody succeeding should receive the greatest honor that he had ever conferred-a favor which would turn the unsuccessful competitors pea-green with envy and break them all up: the King would shake him for the drinks. When this decree was promulgated all Gordon's subjects joined the Good Templars, but Alexander Badlam of Macedon hearing about it, started at once for the Soudanese capital. Ushered with great pomp into the harness-room, he took out his pocket-knife and calmly cut the knot, remarking with the ready wit which distinguished him from the humorist of the period: "Get onto that racket, my son." "Shake," replied the monarch with truly oriental exuberance of imagery. They shook, using four dice. The King threw four sixes. "Two small pairs," he explained, with royal unconcern. Alexander dumped the cubes back into the box, blew into it, muttered a few cabalistic words and threw. Five deuces! "In Macedon this is the national game, endeared to the popular heart by seventeen centuries of unbroken succcess, and I have been brought through it with a lantern," said he, laconically. Graciously pleased to mark his sense of the performance in words of memorable significance, the monarch exclaimed: "You take the cake," and led the way to the royal sideboard, when, later in the day, Alexander, over three fingers of same as before, explained with the richness of metaphor which characterizes the speech of men familiar with that barbaric splendor of Eastern courts: "It's a cold day when I get left."

2010 Update: In legend, a knot that so frustrated attempts to unwind it that Alexander the Great was inspired to cut it with a sword. The memory of the Gordion Knot is often used as a pedagogical device to describe a problem so complex that only common sense can solve it.