Pillory

PILLORY, n. mechanical device for inflicting personal distinction- prototype of the modern newspaper conducted by persons of austere virtues and blameless lives.

2010 Update: v.t. To redistribute disdain. To shield a pig with a goat.

Pigmy

PIGMY, n. One of a tribe of very small men found by ancient travelers in many parts of the world, but by modern in Central Africa only. The Pigmies are so called to distinguish them from the bulkier Caucasians — who are Hogmies.

2010 Update: An economical race that grows smaller than the rest of its species. An individual smaller than the rest of its race may be known as a RUNT, BIGFELLA or GOSSIP.

Pig

PIG, n. An animal (porcus omnivorus) closely allied to the human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope, for it sticks at pig.

2010 Update: The lexicographer of the barnyard.

Picture

PICTURE, n. A representation in two dimensions of something wearisome in three.

"Behold great Daubert's picture here on view —
Taken from Life." If that description's true,
Grant, heavenly Powers, that I be taken, too.
—Jali Hane

2010 Update: A visible fiction.

Piano

PIANO, n. A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It is operated by depressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience.

2010 Update: A musical instrument named pianoforte (softloud), because it produces sounds of various volumes and attracts instrumentalists of varying strength.

Physiognomy

PHYSIOGNOMY, n. The art of determining the character of another by the resemblances and differences between his face and our own, which is the standard of excellence.

"There is no art," says Shakespeare, foolish man,
"To read the mind's construction in the face."
The physiognomists his portrait scan,
And say: "How little wisdom here we trace!
He knew his face disclosed his mind and heart,
So, in his own defence, denied our art."
—Lavatar Shunk

2010 Update: The study of the inner character by outward features, by which it has been proven that appearances may be deceiving. For example, by the application of ancient Greek rootwords to mean SUPERFICIALITY.

Physician

PHYSICIAN, n. One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well.

2010 Update: A vulture ascetic.

Photograph

PHOTOGRAPH, n. A picture painted by the sun without instruction in art. It is a little better than the work of an Apache, but not quite so good as that of a Cheyenne.

2010 Update: Once art, once history, once evidence, now imposition.

Phoenix

PHOENIX, n. The classical prototype of the modern "small hot bird."

2010 Update: A creature able to fashion itself a new life from the ashes of its old one, although maybe not in Arizona.

Peroration

PERORATION, n. The explosion of an oratorical rocket. It dazzles, but to an observer having the wrong kind of nose its most conspicuous peculiarity is the smell of the several kinds of powder used in preparing it.

2010 Update: A robust, inspiring presentation in which an orator finds opportunity to use words without sentences and phrases separate from sense. The silence of the lexicographer.

Pericardium

PERICARDIUM, n. A sack of membrane covering a multitude of sins.

2010 Update: The hammock of the heart, in which convictions, convenience and contempt also suspend.

Perfection

PERFECTION, n. An imaginary state of quality distinguished from the actual by an element known as excellence; an attribute of the critic.

The editor of an English magazine having received a letter pointing out the erroneous nature of his views and style, and signed "Perfection," promptly wrote at the foot of the letter: "I don't agree with you," and mailed it to Matthew Arnold.

2010 Update: Anonymity.

Hope in the marshes

Every sail that once drew force

And every till directed,

Pulled a traveler from his course

And led somewhere unexpected.

And every chart, once drawn, was cursed

And every cargo weeviled,

And every merchant, last to first,

Has seen his commerce eviled.

Tossed at sea in tear and terror,

What I've come to realize is:

It's tragedy and not mere error

When Charon's boat capsizes.

-Lord Nelson

PROGRAM, n. A partial plan for future disappointments.

Ponderous

PONDEROUS, adj. British jokes.

2010 Update: Weighty, like logic on the lips of a man with a bat in his hand.

Plaudit

PLAUDIT, n. The unit of currency in which the populace pays those who tickle and devour it.

2009 Update: The stage of a stabbing which opens the coat.

Pettifogger

PETTIFOGGER, n. A competing or opposing lawyer.

2010 Update: A trifler, such as an off-camera visionary or, presumably, an unclothed man of the cloth.

Pantomime

PANTOMIME, n. A play in which the story is told without violence to the language. The least disagreeable form of dramatic action.

2010 Update: A dramatization in which circumstances are explained without speech, the counterform to congressional inquiry or the compassionate concern of a neighbor.

The two monks and the fortune teller

Once upon a time, two monks, Abba Nelson and Abba Abercrombie were walking through the desert when a caravan passed by on its way to Alexandria. A fortune teller in the train saw their simple robes and mistook them for father and son shepherds deprived of sheep. The seer hailed the two and, pulling a colorful deck of cards from his satin robes, laid three out in the sand.

"Old man," said the mage to Abba Abercrombie, the eldest Monk, "I will tell you what your destiny shall be. You are a poor man now but in five years time you will be as rich as a Sultan."

"You would deprive me of everything," answered Abba Abercrombie. "I have renounced worldly goods in favor of the wealth of God's word."

"By rich," explained the soothsayer, "I meant famous. Praise for your piety will carry your name far beyond where your feet can take you."

"You would deprive me of my purpose," answered the old ascetic. "I came to the desert to be alone with God."

The forecaster paused only a second before answering, "Ah, but when I say fame beyond your earthly travels, I mean your sacrifice will be sung by the angels in heaven, so assures my model."

The caravan returned to its course and when the farewells had been bade and the two monks were alone, the young monk turned to the older and prophesied, "One such as he, who foretells the fondest wishes of his solicitor will surely become advisor to an emperor."

"Yes," replied Abba Abercrombie, "and one so willing to explain himself will surely end his life in prison."

Moral: Only deception can be predicted accurately.

PROGNOSTICATE, v. To anticipate future conditions, such as concealment, anonymity and unaccountability.

Predilection

PREDILECTION, n. The preparatory stage of disillusion.

2009 Update: Postpostulation. An established pattern of chosen behavior frustrating a durably desired result.

Phonograph

PHONOGRAPH, n. An irritating toy that restores life to dead noises.

2009 Update: A relic useful to demonstrate that evolution and obsolescence begin about the ears.