A Redneck Speaks of Rivers

I've known rivers;

I've known rivers as long as long that start as mountain dew and that distill handily in all the things I brew.

My wisdom has grown damp like the rivers.

I bathed in the Colorado, just yesterday it seems

And build deer blinds by the Chattahoochee in all my better dreams

I looked down upon the Platte to reflect Hank, Junior's face

I sang Kern River by the Kern River and imagined lands of native sons where rivers run too wide to jump, and there's no work that needs done but tools every place.

I've known rivers:

Bubbly, lady rivers.

My wisdom is wet like the rivers.

RIVER, n. A natural border, dividing mice from fish.

Redress

REDRESS, n. Reparation without satisfaction.

Among the Anglo-Saxon a subject conceiving himself wronged by the king was permitted, on proving his injury, to beat a brazen image of the royal offender with a switch that was afterward applied to his own naked back. The latter rite was performed by the public hangman, and it assured moderation in the plaintiff's choice of a switch.

2010 Update: v.t. To correct injustice by replacing its outer garment.

Redemption

REDEMPTION, n. Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin, through their murder of the deity against whom they sinned. The doctrine of Redemption is the fundamental mystery of our holy religion, and whoso believeth in it shall not perish, but have everlasting life in which to try to understand it.

We must awake Man's spirit from his sin,
And take some special measure for redeeming it;
Though hard indeed the task to get it in
Among the angels any way but teaming it,
Or purify it otherwise than steaming it.
I'm awkward at Redemption — a beginner:
My method is to crucify the sinner.
—Golgo Brone

2010 Update: The remittance of murder, theft, treason, gossip, indolence, conspiracy, cruelty and other sins in deference to the sinner's theological accuracy.

Rector

RECTOR, n. In the Church of England, the Third Person of the parochial Trinity, the Curate and the Vicar being the other two.

2010 Update: Literally, a teacher. Figuratively a bore.

Recruit

RECRUIT, n. A person distinguishable from a civilian by his uniform and from a soldier by his gait.

Fresh from the farm or factory or street,
His marching, in pursuit or in retreat,
Were an impressive martial spectacle
Except for two impediments — his feet.
—Thompson Johnson

2010 Update: v.t. To fool by example.

Returns

There are prices that never get bought

And wishes that never get caught

But old gamblers bet

That all their regret

Turns to chips in the next table's pot.

RETURN, n. The profit accumulated when a staggering fool meets a regimentary public.

Recreation

RECREATION, n. A particular kind of dejection to relieve a general fatigue.

2010 Update: Predecomposition.

Real

REAL, adj. A woman's tongue. This is the only part we can swear to.

2010 Update: Persuasive, at least to the speaker.

Razor

RAZOR, n. An instrument used by the Caucasian to enhance his beauty, by the Mongolian to make a guy of himself, and by the African-American to affirm his worth.

2010 Update: The second enemy a man faces every morning.

Remote

REMOTE, adj. The day when merit will be in more demand than money.

2010 Update: At a distance flattering to intimacy.

Ash Wednesday, 2010

Today's the day in liturgy

To remember what He lost for me,

The suffering of our common LORD

To buy the sins we can't afford.

We recall our destiny is ash,

That we were born unto the lash-

That death will come for bad and good

And every infant in the brood.

But on this solemn, holy day,

We who like life bitter, anyway,

Can find ourselves a bit confounded

To suppress the grin as frowns surround us.

Entrapped, we hope Lent to observe

With little dour in reserve

But suffering suffering joyously.

At least there's truth to set us free.

REMORSE, n. The regret we suffer for enjoying our neighbor's sorrow, commonly mild.

Rime

RIME, n. Agreeing sounds in the terminals of verse, mostly bad. The verses themselves, as distinguished from prose, mostly dull. Usually (and wickedly) spelled "rhyme."

2010 Update: A roadmap locating winter for the house-bound.

Radium

RADIUM, n. A mineral that gives off heat and stimulates the organ that a scientist is a fool with.

2010 Update: A radioactive element first discovered in Czech dirt and shown by the Curies not to be composed of slavic souls, as demonstrated by the natural glow and comparatively mild toxicity.

Rarebit

RAREBIT, n. A Welsh rabbit, in the speech of the humorless, who point out that it is not a rabbit. To whom it may be solemnly explained that the comestible known as toad-in-a-hole is really not a toad, and that riz-de-veau a la financiere is not the smile of a calf prepared after the recipe of a she banker.

2010 Update: Melted cheese on toast. A rare name for common food.

Rapacity

RAPACITY, n. Providence without industry. The thrift of power.

2010 Update: Amorality in the satisfaction of appetites shared with a hungry observer, such as an illimitable voracity for hyperbole.

Note: I'm not sure whether to be proud or embarrassed, but I believe Saturday's post was the 1500th on this blog.

The Snail's Secret Secondary Source

A weasel, down a forest trail,

Trotted past a lonesome snail,

"Whither thou?" the weasel asked

"To Rome, Modesto or Damascus?"

"I keep an atlas in my shell,"

The snail replied after a spell

"And every place I roam and wander,

Is annotated 'just up yonder.'"

"And does it tell, by signs or words,

The whereabouts of nesting birds?"

"No, let me make the caption clear

Each page announces 'leaves be here'."

"What waste of good cartography

To omit the sites that interest me!"

"My map of foliage, I find fine,

And copied once upon a vine."

The weasel darted on ahead,

To see where the forest trail led

While the snail, of his terrain assured,

Sauntered right up to a waiting bird.

ROADMAP, n. The landscape of the lost.

Rude

RUDE, adj. Reminding a lady of the good times you had forty years ago.

2009 Update: Surrendered to one's high spirits in disregard for another's bad temper.

Referendum

REFERENDUM, n. A law for submission of proposed legislation to a popular vote to learn the nonsensus of public opinion.

2009 Update: A process by which a legislature abdicates the trust of the people in favor of those who misplaced it.

Reconciliation

RECONCILIATION, n. A suspension of hostilities. An armed truce for the purpose of digging up the dead.

2009 Update: A parliamentary procedure created to civilly resolve controversy by dispatching the discontents.

Let those who doubt be set in boats,

'Tis the glory of our nation

That even they'd withhold their votes

Find reconciliation.

-Publius

Rice

RICE, n. The Mongolian substitute for corned beef.

2009 Update: A grain of good fortune in a pot of poverty, such as may be used to bless a wedding or demean a marshmallow.

And, if I'm not mistaken, happy birthday to Jamie Dawn! I don't know how old Jamie Dawn actually is, but you can tell by looking at her that she looks much younger.