Thursday, October 12, 2006

Diagnosis

DIAGNOSIS, n. A physician's forecast of the disease by the patient's pulse and purse.

2006 Update: The prescription for the affliction of friend, colleague or neighbor.

42 comments:

Indeterminacy said...

First?

Diagnosis: you don't want to hear it. And usually don't.

Lammy said...

Finding the symtoms to treat in place of a cure to sell more meds

QuillDancer said...

Diagnosis wholly dependant upon the quality of your health insurance or how much money is in your pocket

Kyahgirl said...

Diagnosis-my opinion on your problem.... usually arrived at by sticking the nose in where it doesn't belong.

I thought your 2006 update was brilliant!

G said...

I have no definition but my favorite book as relates to this word is "You're Only Old Once" by Dr. Seuss.

Anomie-Atlanta said...

Diagnosis: Curiosity disguised as nuturance.

Doug said...

Indie, it's in code in most of your stories.

Right, Lammy. "Marketing" is another good definition.

Right, Quilldancer. Use the "Online Devil's Dictionary" in my sidebar and look up "Gout."

Thanks, Kyahgirl. That's the kind of diagnosis the doctors and neighbors refuse to give me.

g, Dr. Seuss always had the right Rx/Dx.

Anomie, that's such a cynical definition. Trouble at home?

Old Mule said...

Diagnosis: Fitting humans into books.

mireille said...

I'd like at least a second opinion. You should get one, too. xoxo

pia said...

Agree with Kayahgirl. Sometimes Doug you surprise me with your brilliance :-)

Tan Lucy Pez said...

Diagnosis: A hunch. If you're lucky, it's an educated guess. Also see, your guess is as good as mine.

Mutha said...

The tests are back and the diagnosis is that I have a sludge brain these days. I've been reading your clever responses for weeks and have so little to contribute.
Any cure?

Jake said...

Diagnosis: n. a small, white rectangular piece of paper with a mis-fortune printed on one side, and a succession of seven numbers on the other side It is used exclusively by quacks as they attempt to convince you that you are, in fact, relatively sane.

see also, Tarot Card

ahhh, it's so nice to contribute again.

O Ceallaigh said...

DIAGNOSIS, n. From die, to perish, and gnosis, knowledge. Thus, the demise of wisdom among those who should know better. KILLAGNOSIS: see Pol Pot.

My diagnosis of Blogger is that somebody at Google's decided that it makes too little money and therefore doesn't need maintenance, or to be kept alive for its users. Unless they can be convinced to pay for the new improved Beta.

The Mushroom said...

Diagnosis: an educated guess, usually made after several minutes of study and a shake of the Magic 8-Ball™.

The Village Idiot said...

diagnosis: guesses used by doctors and other health care professionals to pay for a costly education

LeesahEm. said...

diagnosis-the science of whittling down a million possible answers into one hopefully correct answer. Often used by mechanics as well as those in the medical practice. Syn-guestimation.

Mistress Anna said...

And the prognosis doesn't look good either;)

puppybrose said...

Diagnosis: appraisal

cheesemeister said...

Pulse and purse...
How true!
I work in the health care industry.
I also have numerous non life threatening conditions that I'd like to take care of, but my purse doesn't allow it!
If your purse doesn't allow it, the life threatening conditions are also allowed to continue threatening your life.
Great wisdom!

puppybrose said...

by the way, any thoughts on our prognosis for a strong ONE-TWO finish in Sar's CAPTION CONTEST this week?

that said, i just received the most charming comment from fellow candidate, Teri, and suddenly i'm not feeling very competitive. it's tough to go for the comedy jugular in the midst of so much grace. not impossible, but still...

Jenna Howard said...

Diagnosis - usually decided by a "rocks-paper-scissors" method.

FelineFrisky said...

I am oh-so familiar with this word. I have many. and it seems that I accumulate more as time goes by. However, I can't complain, I haven't seen the Mortician yet. D :}

tsduff said...

Oft times it makes no difference of purse... diagnosis comes with full physician expectation of payment without knowing the purse value.

Doug said...

Nice reversal, Mule.

Mireille, that's the difference between you and I. I'm ecstatic when I can get one or fewer.

Pia, I think we're all surprised when I'm brilliant.

More or less, TLP.

Mutha, swap the mirrors.

Jake, first rate definition, soldier. Good to see you back.

O Ceallaigh, leave it to you to make me think this through again. I wonder how the word comes from "Blended Knowledge."

Undoubtably yes, Mushroom.

V.I., the reason we pay them so much is to keep them out of our social circles.

Masil, you win the golden coin for syn-guestimation.

Mistress, six more weeks of summer.

Clever, Puppybrose.

Cheesemaster, that's the truth. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure but the copayment is double.

Puppybrose, if elected I will not serve. How about a Puppytoes/Teri ticket?

Jenna, remind me, the broken toe trips the gouged eye, right?

That's the only diagnosis you have to fear, Diane. If you can keep them to one Rx per Dx, you're doing fine.

Bierce never heard of Medicaid, Terry.

puppybrose said...

Diagnosis: punchline?

Tan Lucy Pez said...

Puppy: Grace is so last year. The prognostication from here is a big win for folks who either live on or visit this site. My conclusion is that you should shamelessly promote your entry.

wthswtlgv: What the heck is with these long word verifiers?

Jamie Dawn said...

Usually mostly bull crap.
When one is diagnosed, one hears, "You may or may not experience such and such, and you will most likely feel this or that, but don't hold me to that because I can't be sure. Now, please pay my outrageous fee in full before you leave. I have a new car payment to make."
Puh-leeeeeeze!

puppybrose said...

Diagnosis: reality check.

TLP: thank you! and, of course, you're right. still, you saw how sweet she was, (anyone who hasn't can check out the caption contest HERE. heh heh), so you know what i'm up against. xo

Anonymous said...

Diagnosis-hey, I don't have one! No one even asked if I wanted to buy one, either.

Great update!

a said...

Diagnosis: the last five minutes of an episode of "House". (Syn. denouement)

Doug said...

Puppybrose, the punchline is usually the treatment.

TLP the verifier pickde on the wrong gal this time.

Jamie Dawn, you've had more than most. I defer.

Puppybrose, How about the clinical confirmation of hypochondria?

Actonbell, maybe if you stop jogging and eating well.

I like that one, a.

puppybrose said...

actually, i was aiming for something more visceral. but in the spirit of your take on my humble offering, i suppose the "punchline" would be the bill.

a: that was tasty. and oh-so-true!

puppybrose said...

Diagnosis: all too frequently, a one word sentence.

Logophile said...

According to House, MD rating, its the stuff of network dream.


Showing up late and phoning it in, you threaten me with demerits Mr. Pascover and I tell you know, you will not like your prognosis.

cooper said...

I refuse to tell you my DIAGNOSIS.

You're just going to have to guess.

That was brilliant though you must admmit even to yourself.

Doug said...

Puppybrose, madness!

No demerits, Logo. Only humility is punishable.

That's OK, Cooper, I can make my own diagnosis.

Minka said...

In all seriousness, I hate doctors. I hate going there and on the rare occasion that happens you can see my mom tightly gripping on my arm and dragging me :)
But you have to give Icelanders that, while your daily doctors suck and always -without fail- suggest painkillers and a bit of rest to whatever symptoms you might drag into teh room, if you really need anything serious you get -regardless of your purse- all possible treatment available.

I like that about this country.

On an un-related note: I have to cut my toe nails and I am running out f excuses...

Doug said...

Minka, I hear you. I see my doctor every half-decade whether I need it or not and anything hurting, infamed or dangling but not missing gets aloe vera from my backyard.

Minka said...

hey...when I got lost in Portugal...uh there is a story!...I sunburned so badly, becuase I was running around all day looking for my grand parents place...a police car finally drove me home. Grams went into teh garden, broke a bit of an odd looking plant and smeared its sticky stuff all over me. Woke up next mornign with a beautiful teint and no pain.

here is "High Five" for Aloe Vera!

Doug said...

It's good medicine, isn't it Minka? Mormon tea, aloe vera and sarcasm are the sum of my medications. How did you get lost in a country the size of a convenience store?

Minka said...

Doug, that is a story fot for Central Snark one day:) I manage the most impossible things in a hsort time span and an inch of a location ;)