Friday, November 02, 2007


LETTUCE, n. An herb of the genus Lactuca, "Wherewith," says that pious gastronome, Hengist Pelly, "God has been pleased to reward the good and punish the wicked. For by his inner light the righteous man has discerned a manner of compounding for it a dressing to the appetency whereof a multitude of gustible condiments conspire, being reconciled and ameliorated with profusion of oil, the entire comestible making glad the heart of the godly and causing his face to shine. But the person of spiritual unworth is successfully tempted to the Adversary to eat of lettuce with destitution of oil, mustard, egg, salt and garlic, and with a rascal bath of vinegar polluted with sugar. Wherefore the person of spiritual unworth suffers an intestinal pang of strange complexity and raises the song."

2007 Update: A frail cabbage of little worth and no ambition lacking the substance to be slaw. Also, a commendable head.


Anonymous said...

Lettuce be glad for Friday, and leave it at that. ; )

Anonymous said...

"Lettuce beef friends."

Mother Theresa said...

Lettuce: A great bed for a juicy steak.

Anonymous said...

Lettuce all vote for Cooper in the weblog awards. Can't figure out the voting looks like it could work and would love to see her win

She's the opposite of a frail cabbage etc

Doug The Una said...

Puppy, and lettuce be glad for the salad days to come.

Poobah, good definition for tomato.

Theresa, that's almost an NC-17 rating.

Pia, lettuce do it here. It took a while to find the right category.

Jamie Dawn said...

Lettuce truly is Cabbage's dimwitted brother.
Your definition tops Bierce's. His overwhelmed me, but I did like the "intestinal pang" part.

Lettuce ALL know when your b-day is so we can at least wish you well on your special day.

Tsduff was being haughty in the comments yesterday. Pride cometh before a fall! :-)

Anonymous said...

LETTUCE, n. The real opiate of the masses. You think I'm kidding?!?

Bet you didn't know lettuce had a milky sap. Just goes to show how "fresh" that "fresh lettuce" is in your supermarket. Americans will believe anything. See WMD. See also yesterday's Dow Jones average.

Anonymous said...

Wow some clever people around here. I sure do like Theresa's.

Me? I got nothing. Nothing but limp lettuce in my vegetable drawer. Although my brother says that a way to revive limp lettuce is to soak it in luke warm water, dry it off then put it back in the fridge. Chef trick apparently. My lettuce though is beyond salvaging.

Anonymous said...

my son -- who, prior to his Unfortunate Accident, was no stranger to certain hallucinogens -- assures me that "salad" is, indeed, a blended means for getting high. that said, lettuce hope his sorry "salad days" are well behind him. ; )

Nessa said...

Lettuce say, "Huh?" to Bierce's definition.

Stuart Mackenzie: Look at the size of that boy's heed.
Tony Giardino: Shhh!
Stuart Mackenzie: I'm not kidding, it's like an orange on a toothpick.
Tony Giardino: Shhh, you're going to give the boy a complex.
Stuart Mackenzie: Well, that's a huge noggin. That's a virtual planetoid.
Tony Giardino: Shh!
Stuart Mackenzie: Has it's own weather system.
Tony Giardino: Sh, sh, shh.
Stuart Mackenzie: HEAD! MOVE!

TLP said...

Lettuce all say, "Huh?" to Ambrose on this one.

Your update is much better.

Minka said...

I got nothing: I come bearing trivia though:

"The largest lettuce head was one that weighed 11 kg (25 lb), of the Salad Bowl cultivar, grown by Colin Bowcock of Willaston, England, in 1974.

In the United States, 95% of all head lettuce is grown in California and Arizona.

Lactucarium (or "Lettuce Opium") is a mild opiate-like substance that is contained in all types of lettuce.

Yazidis consider eating lettuce taboo."

Don't ask me who Yazidis are, but I have a strong suspicion that they think vegitarianism is boo-hockey!

Mutha said...

In the words of Homer Simpson: "You can't make friends with salad."

Now picture that sung over and over in a conga line.

javajazz said...

sheesh, i'm trying SO hard to follow this...
ouch, my brain hurts.
is it just that unspiritual people
dont know how to make
a good gastronomically sound
salad dressing? or is it that the
spiritually upstanding types
automatically have their ingredients
turn into more harmonically
digestible concoctions?
this is me trying to sound smart...
i think i'll go make a sandwich.

Ariel the Thief said...

Those that don't know what lettuce is good for don't know small dumblings with eggs. Those are welcome in Hungary in the Summer. :-)

Anonymous said...

Hmmm ...

The rascal bath of vinegar polluted with sugar.

I don't know of anybody who puts cole slaw dressing on lettuce these days, preferring bleue cheese or similar concoctions to the appetency whereof a multitude of gustible condiments conspire. Perhaps that was Bierce's doing - especially that bit about raising the song.

In the Wikipedia article on the Yazidi, I find:

Too much contact with non-Yazidis is also considered polluting. In the past, Yazidis avoided military service which would have led them to live among Muslims, and were forbidden to share such items as cups or razors with outsiders. A resemblance to the external ear may lie behind the taboo against eating lettuce, whose name koas resembles Kurdish pronunciations of koasasa. Additionally, lettuce grown near Mosul is thought by some Yazidi to be fertilized with human waste, which may contribute to the idea that it is unsuitable for consumption.

tsduff said...

Lettuce bow our heads and listen to my humble apology to JD. Sorry for sticking my tongue out. I suggest you go here

Farmer McGregor had good lettuce in his garden.

Doug, I do like your update much better than Bierce's, as I adore vinegar on my lettuce.

Sar said...

Lettuce not forget that last is first and first is last. Having said that, I'll just go ahead and claim...


(Like how I tied in yesterday's post and todays? Yeah, I thought so.)

mireille said...

Ma petite chou? xoxo

The Boy from S.A.C.A.D.A. said...

Id rather eat lettiss than spinitch.

Anonymous said...

I have nothing for Lettuce. So benign and needs all that dressing up.

I did find this though.

In case anyone needs a job.

Anonymous said...

A joke from my childhood:

What are the three main vegetables in the garden?

Lettuce turnip and pea.

Doug The Una said...

Jamie Dawn, I hope Terry trips on a cabbage.

Amoeba, I had no idea. I wonder if Scheherezade knew.

Jenn, I'd try reading one of your stories with fridge open.

Amen, Puppy.

Nessa, you know what bugs me? I know what movie that's from.

Thanks, TLP.

Minka, I wonder if I'm part Yazidi.

Mutha, that's raw wisdom right there.

JJ, is that a plug for green goddess?

Ariel, I had no idea. May a truck carrying those crash near your apartment in July.

Amoeba, if I didn't know you better, I'd think you were making that up.

Terry, consider this your personal vinegary. I still hope you trip on a cabbage.

Very clever, Sar. A person would have to get up pretty early to get ahead of you.

Oui, oui, Mireille.

Boy, you've already learned to discriminate. Good for you.

Cooper, I think I met Kristie at McDonald's. By the way, I'm voting for you.

Quilly, I can see why the grown-ups wanted you dead.

javajazz said...

oh oh, too much information,
cabbage lady!

Anonymous said...


Hobbes said...

John Waters defines Iceberg lettuce as "the polyester of greens."