Tuesday, August 12, 2008


GARTER, n.  An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her stockings and desolating the country.  An order of merit established by Edward III of England, and conferred upon persons who have distinguished themselves in the royal favor.  Other kinds of public service are otherwise rewarded.  
"'Tis Britain's boast that knighthood of the Garter
Was ne'er conferred upon a cad or carter;
Well, any thrifty and ambitious flunkey
Can drive a bargain- few can drive a donkey."
So the proud cynic.  Some ensuing dicker
Gave him that pretty bauble for his kicker.  
2008 Update:  The house of congress, a bigameral legislature.  
Among those things one shouldn't mention,
It's modesty commands attention.
Those things that are kept most in secret
Are the same as those we most would peek at
The blessing of the modern age
Is that secrets have become the rage
And those that once had been rarest,
Today, even the coward darest.
-Alistair Bakke


TLP said...

Something to throw at a wedding. The other thing to throw is up, if you catch it.

Anonymous said...

In the event of panty hose the garter was a thing of the past...now!!!...enough said.

Anonymous said...

So true that last part... the garter is now so common that even Madonna no longer wears one outside of her pants. And people then thought her to be such a snake.

Anonymous said...

It's a little known fact* that the British decoration to which Bierce refers has an American origin.

An early visitor to the Americas chanced upon a snake shortly after disembarking in the vicinity of Delaware, and being (a) an explorer and (b) of Irish descent, he was curious to find out more about what St. Patrick had seen fit to banish from his home. So he captured the serpent, and ventured to pick it up, upon which the animal proceeded to thrash about and smear him with a pongy substance. Disgusted, Our Hero tossed the snake down and proceeded, with only indifferent success, to cleanse himself.

That evening, he wrote effusively, in the journal which he would eventually present to his Royal Patron, of the odor of the garter.

The rest is ... well, you know.

* : a Quilly-oid fact.

Anonymous said...

The Order of the Garter --
An Order of Chivalry (knighthood) exclusive to The Royals.

(IF I can't be funny, I'll be educational.)

Jim said...

I caught the garter
but I didn't catch no new-nice-bridie, oh no! Oh!
I caught the garter
but I didn't catch no new-nice-bridie, oh no! Oh!
Yeah! All around in my home town,
They're tryin' to track me down;
They say they want to bring me in guilty
For the cathing of a new-nice-bridie,
For the life of a new-nice-bridie.

Garter: Tighten your belt girl!

tsduff said...

Garter: A small, common variety of snake which gives birth to live little baby garter snakes.

Doug The Una said...

TLP, the best advice I can give anyone is to shun whoever catches the garter.

Mo'a, ancient artifacts are in great demand.

Sauerkraut, it's pretty common when Madonna's above it, huh?

Amoeba, I see you guys now start each other's paragraphs.

Quilly, you can be pretty funny educationally. That's interesting, though. I thought Bierce was making it all up.

Jim, Bob Marley would be proud.

Hahahaha, Actonbell. Subtle, yet pornographic.

No eggs, Terry? That's unusual.

Hobbes said...

So true, Alistair.