Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Addressing America's Schoolchildren, A Primer

A is for atheist, leave room for doubt.
B is for baloney, leave one symbolic slice out.
C is for the clover in which we were born,
And D is for doom to failure and scorn.
E is for erudition, whatever that means,
And F is the letter that gets us to genes.
G is for genetics, where our future's endowed.
H is for the humility we're not allowed.
I is for importers, like gangsters but coarser
and J is for Judas, scripture's outsourcer.
K is for Kapital, suppressing the people
While L's for liquidity up to the steeple.
M is for mumbling when you say to work hard
N is for no as in no union card.
O is for Obama, daughter of Kenya
And P is for President, or sometimes pretender.
Q is for quicksand, composing our discourse
R is for what? Recession, of course!
S is for Socrates, who corrupted the youth
T is for television which restored them to couth
U is for unamerican, like socialism and tea
And V is for cross-cultural validity
W was the president for our golden age
X marked the spot where we all turned the page
Y is for Yokel, and Z is for snoring
The best you can do is to keep it all boring.

Schoolchild, n. The perpetual hostage. A Sabine-American, stolen in a blare of bugles and ransomed for a grunt.


Jim said...

If these school kids grow up in time to vote, you will never get re-elected, Doug.
Just saying you are hitting too many controversial buttons.

And that I'm first this morning, it was my turn. I skipped school today, 09/09/09. Happy Good luck today!

sauerkraut said...

B and W are linked...

word veri: stinkyan

Ariel the Thief said...

"And F is the letter that gets us to genes"

Profanity has finally got the mastery over Waking Ambrose. Shocking.

Doug The Una said...

Jim, this blog is, in a way my contract with America not to seek elected office.

I thought you might see it that way, Sauerkraut.

Only in your filthy little mind, Magyar.

weirsdo said...

Brilliant. Reminds me of Calvin Trillin's verse.

the amoeba said...

A Sabine-American, stolen in a blare of bugles and ransomed for a grunt.

Except here in Hawai‘i, where only the wealthy are ransomed. The rest are left to rot in the wreckage of the public schools.

imalls: one-stop e-shopping.

pia said...

Wow weirdso is so right. I'm a big big big lover of Calvin Trillin--so much so I couldn't call his house once when I was calling celebrities for something--could call much better known and "bigger" ones, but had to pretend calling his house would be a learning experience for somebody else

And now that i have told a completely extraneous story--I love love love this

Could I link to this in Facebook?

Mutha said...

daughter of kenya?

k. riggs gardner said...

M is for mumbling when you say to work hard.

I'm working hard on crappy, generally incoherent and mumbling posts.

(Time for a lunch break).

Anonymous said...

I myself like F.

Quilly said...

Schoolchild, n. potential human being given to teachers to either mold or destroy. (No incentives or penalties for favoring one outcome more than the other.)

k. riggs gardner said...

Quilly. That's unnerving. I would've been afraid to even show up in your class.

TLP said...

Schoolchild: little square peg which is pounded until he or she fits into a round hole. We all must match you know.

W was the president of our golden age.? GOLDEN AGE??

Cooper said...

Nice work Doug.

Schoolchildren:I just know I'm staying away from them with this flu around.

Minka said...

schoolchild,n. too old for Lego and too young for a brick layer

Anonymous said...

Doug's dad sez: Good stuff Jung'n. I don't snore although I apparently am boring. Who cares. Nicely done

Logophile said...

tea is NOT unamerican!!
Not any more :p

The light of your genius was shining so brightly today I had to stop over and comment.

Anonymous said...

a-arms war
c-coward congress
d-deny deny
l-lame lies
m-money money

as you can see i gave it no thought...however

the foundation on which
we bet our future......

grunt-the foundation
of the present

always question "authority"

Doug The Una said...

That's quite a compliment, Weirsdo. Thanks. Now I kind of want to double-check the grammar.

Amoeba, I don't know why a Hawai'ian kid would be in school anyway, to be honest.

That sounds like your heirarchy of intimidation, Pia. Good for you. Whatever you do on Facebook is safe from my resentment.

Rhymes with "pretenda," Mutha. Good to hear from you.

Karen, the one I read was a lot of fun. I'll check the others soon.

So I hear, Jenn.

Quilly, I agree with Karen. That's too much power to give a teacher. Most of 'em are well ruined before they see the inside of a schoolhouse.

Karen, Quilly's class is one we'd learn in. Scary indeed.

TLP, I don't think we all have to match. I just think children need pounding. And speaking of, I claim poetic license on that one.

Cooper, they're little disease vectors, aren't they?

Haha, Minka. I disagree with both ends of your assessment but I like the metaphor.

Not to worry, pop. None of your offspring know the whole alphabet, anyhow.

Logo, I had it gilded just for you. Thanks for the visit.

But, Bear, aren't you questioning the authority questioners?

Anonymous said...

to teach your
school aged child
question authority
allows them the ability
to be well adjusted grunts
or more
mindless drones...
hope that answers question ...Peace

Doug The Una said...

Sure it answers a question, but raises another: What school aged child?

Anonymous said...

details details

Anonymous said...

teach your children well

good tune
maybe that
it up


Doug The Una said...

Very good tune. Peace.