Female

FEMALE, n. One of the opposing, or unfair, sex.

The Maker, at Creation's birth,
With living things had stocked the earth.
From elephants to bats and snails,
They all were good, for all were males.
But when the Devil came and saw
He said: "By Thine eternal law
Of growth, maturity, decay,
These all must quickly pass away
And leave untenanted the earth
Unless Thou dost establish birth" —
Then tucked his head beneath his wing
To laugh — he had no sleeve — the thing
With deviltry did so accord,
That he'd suggested to the Lord.
The Master pondered this advice,
Then shook and threw the fateful dice
Wherewith all matters here below
Are ordered, and observed the throw;
Then bent His head in awful state,
Confirming the decree of Fate.
From every part of earth anew
The conscious dust consenting flew,
While rivers from their courses rolled
To make it plastic for the mould.
Enough collected (but no more,
For niggard Nature hoards her store)
He kneaded it to flexible clay,
While Nick unseen threw some away.
And then the various forms He cast,
Gross organs first and finer last;
No one at once evolved, but all
By even touches grew and small
Degrees advanced, till, shade by shade,
To match all living things He'd made
Females, complete in all their parts
Except (His clay gave out) the hearts.
"No matter," Satan cried; "with speed
I'll fetch the very hearts they need" —
So flew away and soon brought back
The number needed, in a sack.
That night earth range with sounds of strife —
Ten million males each had a wife;
That night sweet Peace her pinions spread
O'er Hell — ten million devils dead!
—G.J.

2010 Update: The portion of a species that produces eggs, and egg shells.

Fable

FABLE, n.

A brief lie intended to illustrate some important truth. A statue of Eve and the Apple was accosted by a hippopotamus on a show-bill.

"Give me a bite of your apple," said the hippopotamous, "and see me smile."

"I would," said Eve, making a rough estimate of the probable dimensions of the smile, "but I have promised a bite to the Mammoth Cave, another to the crater of Vesuvius, and a third to the interval between the lowest anthropoid Methodist and the most highly organized wooden Indian. I must be just before I am generous."

This fable teaches that justice and generosity do not go hand in hand, the hand of generosity being commonly thrust in the pocket of Justice.

2010 Update: An allegory in which animals and insects are debased with human motives for the edification of children who only want sugar.

Once upon a time, a baby mouse left his home to seek the advice of a very wise sparrow. He eluded the cat, and braved the streets and darted from bush to bush avoiding wolves and foxes and finally reached the nest of the wise sparrow on a long thin bough of a tall, tall tree. The sparrow was not home, so the little mouse waited and waited patiently until a sudden gale pulled him from the bough and threw him over a cliff. Back at home his little mousie mother finally had time to study latin and prepare for her next litter.

Moral: Only a fool seeks wisdom without knowing what he'll find.

Bonus prophesy: I wasn't trying to be coy in comments. This blog now has more definitions than Bierce's original publication and much of the work is now finding one that hasn't been done already. In fact, that now takes more time than writing most posts. When The Reformation of Wolfshausen ends, theoretically on episode 95, presumably on November 6, I expect to close this site. After that, I intend to continue reading all of you and we can all still be in touch. I'll repeat this later, I'm sure, but I'm very appreciative of all of you for making this a fun project.

Father

FATHER, n. A quarter-master and commissary of subsistence provided by nature for our maintenance in the period before we have learned to live by prey.

2010 Update: A vestige of man's antewikipedian evolution, functioning now primarily as a repository for jokes, the punchlines for which are held in a separate vessel.

Foreordination

FOREORDINATION, n. This looks like an easy word to define, but when I consider that pious and learned theologians have spent long lives in explaining it, and written libraries to explain their explanations; when I remember the nations have been divided and bloody battles caused by the difference between foreordination and predestination, and that millions of treasure have been expended in the effort to prove and disprove its compatibility with freedom of the will and the efficacy of prayer, praise, and a religious life, — recalling these awful facts in the history of the word, I stand appalled before the mighty problem of its signification, abase my spiritual eyes, fearing to contemplate its portentous magnitude, reverently uncover and humbly refer it to His Eminence Cardinal Gibbons and His Grace Bishop Potter.

2010 Update: The transfer of a personal debt onto the divine ledger.

Frail

FRAIL, adj. Infirm; liable to betrayal, as a woman who has made up her mind to sin.

2010 Update: Menacing. Caritaphagic.

Frankalmoigne

FRANKALMOIGNE, n. The tenure by which a religious corporation holds lands on condition of praying for the soul of the donor. In mediaeval times many of the wealthiest fraternities obtained their estates in this simple and cheap manner, and once when Henry VIII of England sent an officer to confiscate certain vast possessions which a fraternity of monks held by frankalmoigne, "What!" said the Prior, "would your master stay our benefactor's soul in Purgatory?" "Ay," said the officer, coldly, "an ye will not pray him thence for naught he must e'en roast." "But look you, my son," persisted the good man, "this act hath rank as robbery of God!" "Nay, nay, good father, my master the king doth but deliver him from the manifold temptations of too great wealth."

2010 Update: A sacrifice made to the LORD of hosts in exchange for those battalions otherwise unengaged.

Once upon a time, a thane of Scotland established by way of Frankalmoigne a monastery upon a rocky crest. The abbot, also a Scot, promised vigorous prayer by the brothers for the "Wee" of the thane's house and descendents. And so it was henceforth until a grandson of the original thane, during a down-market in wool, replaced the monks' annual shipment of lamb with fleece.

The thane, then an old man, came into the great hall one evening to put out the torches only to find his grandson lying murdered amid the monks.

"Och!" cried the donor, "Ye merdurin' rapscallions! me purr wee grandson! I'll gae nothin' fuir his hide and tallow! Yuir sappose ta be prayin' fuir his soul!"

"Indeed we were," explained the abbot, "fervently, but we know how you and the almighty despise excess."

Fratricide

FRATRICIDE, n. The act of killing a jackass for meat.

2010 Update: Patergenesis.

The Great King of Egalitaria Has Died, Long Live The King

Ascending the throne with a curly willow crown,

And lowering himself right back to the ground,

A king for the fool, the idle and clown

Spreading baby's breath, bud and bankruptcy around.

The first among sinners,

The last host at dinners,

Skin for the skinners, a shorn lamb was he.

The chatter in boxes,

A brain among rockses,

Punched out on the clockses, fare well to thee!

Surrounded by subjects, all volunteers, they

Came and went freely, clutching their pay,

Remembering some that the king had to say

To start our own kingdoms a similar way.

The fruit in the mai-tai,

Rum for the tax guy,

Debt free now that pigs fly, feathered too late.

The gag in our laughter,

The voice in the rafter

We'll see you soon after we all share your fate.

None were too poor, lazy, stupid or short,

To stride noble and haughty in our king's court,

None were too lame for first team in his sport

Or too thievish to fill out his earnings report.

Friend to the friendless,

Tale to the endless,

Doctor to the mendless, now go with our blessing.

Top meat in the meter,

Front seat in the the'ter

When you meet St. Peter, watch the caressing!

In the kingdom he ruled, like the one that he left for,

The rat and the lion and goat share the floor,

The windows stay open, no cliff holds the shore,

While piles of collectibles block every door.

Kaiser of vagrants,

Designer of day tents,

Caffeine in our coffee, at last you can sleep.

The goats have been fed,

The children been led,

So, I'll quiet my singing and give a good sweep.

FLORIST, n. A friend to those in troubled marriages, unlike his delivery boy.

RIP, Jan Clark Mueller

Dawn of time- February 22, 2010

Freedman

FREEDMAN, n. A person whose manacles have sunk so deeply into the flesh that they are no longer visible.

2010 Update: A failed mortgagee.

Funeral

FUNERAL, n. A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears.

The savage dies — they sacrifice a horse
To bear to happy hunting-grounds the corse.
Our friends expire — we make the money fly
In hope their souls will chase it to the sky.
—Jex Wopley

2010 Update: A coward's millennial celebration.

Funny

FUNNY, adj. Having the quality of exciting merriment, as a Bulletin article by Fr. Bartlett when he is at his sickest.

He lay on his deathbed and wrote like mad,

For his will was good though his cough was bad.

And his humor ran without ever a hitch,

Urged by the rowels of Editor Fitch,

Who took the sheets as they fell from his hand,

Perused and endeavored to understand.

The work was complete. "'Tis a merry jest,"

The writer remarked; "I think it my best.

How strange that a man at the point of death

Should have so much with so little breath!"

Then thoughtfully answered him Editor Fitch,

As he scratched his head, though it didn't itch:

"The point of death I can certainly see,

But that of the joke is concealed from me."

2010 Update: Reassuringly imperfect, like all the contents of an unmirrored room.

A full bag of groceries can sure seem amusing,

And words from a poet, no less when confusing;

An umpire's call (except when you're losing);

Most anything striking, bawling or bruising

Any three strangers who enter a bar;

Each ideology, taken too far;

The pious in worship, in gossip or char;

A sinner, sincerely repenting his mar;

The flight of a sparrow, a hen or an emu;

Wise words of advice from some sot that you knew;

Two lumps in a cup or a toad in the brew;

Or you going through that thing that you do;

Cars when they're flowing or stopped when it's snowing,

Depending, of course, on where you were going;

Kids when they're quiet, kids when they're growing;

And parents when pleased, neglectful or crowing.

This world is a tragic one, let me be clear,

Of mirthless malevolence, want, harm and fear.

Pray as you should and help some, old dear,

But funny our world spins at point of a spear.

-Lyman Moody

Future

FUTURE, n. The period of time in which our affairs prospers, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.

2010 Update: The coming era of correct predictions.

Update: Happy Bolludagur, Icelanders passing by. A dismal Ogre Day to the rest.

The Serpent and the Senator

Once upon a time, a serpent and a senator were sunning themselves beside a patch of hyacinths in a walled garden. The serpent was telling stories of his patriarch in the Garden of Eden when the Senator was outraged.

"He just gave them the apple?" the Senator bellowed, puffing on a pipe filled with dried populist.

"Yes," explained the serpent, curling cozily around the senator's elbow, "Of course. It was a trick so that his victims would rebel against God."

"And what," the senator asked, expelling two draughts of smoke that curved like horns, "did the couple do for your great-granddaddy after that?"

"Well," answered the serpent while repositioning his head atop the senator's soft thigh, "not much, to be honest. Mostly they went into exile and chased us with sticks."

The senator sat up slowly and petted the serpent in his lap, "that's my point!" The senator jabbed a finger aimlessly toward heaven. "You must have a purpose in mind to be sly. A quid pro quo! A cui bono! Nota bene-" Here, the senator lit a cigar filled with leaves of optimist from the heat of his pipe and blended the smokes in his mouth before gasping, "I would have hid the apple and denounced the tree of knowledge as barren and assured myself the votes of Adam and Eve as well as the worship of their descendants.

FAUSTIAN, adj. Filibuster-proof.

New Year's Resolution

Whereas the year, unlike myself,

Has changed- to twenty-ten;

Whereas the expectation is

There's change as well in men;

Whereas that hope has lasted

Since Abel fell to Cain;

Resolved, we all shall mend our ways

Down roads that rough remain.

FITTEST, adj. Most fitted.

Free-Will

FREE-WILL, n.

A chip, in floating down a stream,

Indulged a gratifying dream:

"All things on earth but only I

Are bound by stern necessity-

"Are moved this way or that, their course

Determined by some outer force.

"The helpless boughs upon the trees

Confess the suasion of the breeze.

"The stone where it was placed remains

Till loosened by the frost or rains.

"The animals go here and there

As circumstances may declare.

"The influence they cannot see

Is clearly visible to me.

"Yet all belive they're governed still

By nothing but their solemn will.

"Deluded fools! I-I alone

Obey no forces but my own.

"Without or sail or oar, I glide

At pleasure to the ocean's tide.

"No pow'r shall stay me till I lave

My body in the salt sea wave.

Just then an eddy's gentle strength

By hardly half a finger's length,

His chipship drew aside. Said he;

"'Tis far indeed to reach the sea."

Now more and more, behold him swerve

Along the eddy's outer curve.

He says: "My joy in swimming's o'er

I'm half inclined to go ashore."

As still he sweeps his arc,

He adds: "The day is growing dark,

"But still there's time to reach, no doubt,

The point for which I first set out."

The circle was completed quite.

"Right here," he said. "I'll pass the night."

Nor ever once that chip suspected

That ought but he his course deflected.

Free-will, O mortals, is a dream:

Ye all are ships upon a stream.

2009 Update: The iron shackling each to his or her own failures, felonies and follies.

Fear

FEAR, n. A sense of the total depravity of the immediate future.

He either fears his fate too much,
Or his deserts are small,
Who dares not put it to the touch-
Who'd rather pass than call.
Earl of Montrose

2009 Update: Panic at the mundane or its variations.

Fidelity

FIDELITY, n. A virtue particular to those who are about to be betrayed.

2009 Update: A portable promise of permanence. The peanut butter on the trap's trigger.

Forma Pauperis

FORMA PAUPERIS. [Latin] In the character of a poor person — a method by which a litigant without money for lawyers is considerately permitted to lose his case.

When Adam long ago in Cupid's awful court
(For Cupid ruled ere Adam was invented)
Sued for Eve's favor, says an ancient law report,
He stood and pleaded unhabilimented.

"You sue in forma pauperis, I see," Eve cried;
"Actions can't here be that way prosecuted."
So all poor Adam's motions coldly were denied:
He went away — as he had come — nonsuited.
—G.J.

2009 Update: A certification that one party's destitution prevents them from addressing the court in a living language. However the case shall be decided, the world and fortune have been held liable.

The Salvation of A Sot

I met a drunk scribbler in the old town saloon

Carving limericks into his table

Bells rang in the steeple of the church right next door

As he etched as profanely as a cowhand is able.

I bought him a drink, put my hand on his shoulder

And observed aloud the dry humor

Of a man in his cups next door to the sacred

Chiseling rhymes as crass as a rumor.

He looked over at me through two yellow eyes,

frowned and then answered with passion,

"If I chose my art badly, it is no less inspired

By your interest and kindly compassion.

"I believe that if I were surrounded by demons,

A psalmist, I might be, I think.

But here, as I sit, among harping angels

Better satire I inscribe and whiskey I drink."

-T-Bone Athanasius

FELLOWSHIP, n. The company of spies.

Fork

FORK, n. An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth. Formerly the knife was employed for this purpose, and by many worthy persons is still thought to have many advantages over the other tool, which, however, they do not altogether reject, but use to assist in charging the knife. The immunity of these persons from swift and awful death is one of the most striking proofs of God's mercy to those that hate Him.

2009 Update: The place between plate and urn in the civilized life cycle.