Juggling

An ancient art of flame or pin,

Juggling grants relief from sin

For what could ever be more pious

Than to keep aloft the weights that try us?

But the objects we raise with the hand

Don't err nor grieve on air or land

While as our tribulations mount

It's we who are held to account.

So I wonder if, when heaven's scoring,

Bouncing ain't as grand as soaring.

JUGGLE, v. To deprive a planet the company of its kin.

A Fable for Children

The Gull and The Goats

Once upon a time, a gull landed on a manger in front of a herd of goats. "Brothers and sisters," the gull squawked, "you live as slaves! The farmer tells you are there are wolves beyond your fence and you clump up cowardly on the land within that fence. The farmer tells you this straw, this grass, is food and you eat it. Surely I tell you, the farmer tells you these things because if you left the pasture he knows what you have forgotten, that you will take wing to the water, catch fish and prosper! Because if you flew over the ocean, as is your birthright, you would see his daughters rise from the depths on a clam shell!"

"The bird makes sense," muttered a nanny and returned to eating her tuna can.

Moral: Men will lie to hide even fictional truths.

JEFFERSONIAN DEMOCRACY, n. A theory of government by which yeoman farmers undertake the vices of aristocrats.

Joss-Sticks

JOSS-STICKS, n. Small sticks burned by the Chinese in their pagan tomfoolery, in imitation of certain sacred rites of our holy religion.

2009 Update: An religious olfactory decor, meant to make ritual sensible.

Jews-harp

JEWS-HARP, n. An unmusical instrument, played by holding it fast with the teeth and trying to brush it away with the finger.

2009 Update: A prop which identifies the crazy old coot in a western movie to bearded audience members in dusty hats.

Jute

JUTE, n. A plant grown in India, the fruit of which supplies a nutritious diet to the directors of our State prison.

2009 Update: The principal ingredient in burlap for sacks.  The principal ingredient in a burlap sack, however, is typically a hog or heiress.

Jacob's-Ladder

JACOB'S-LADDER, n. A ladder which Jacob saw in a dream reaching from earth to heaven, with angels ascending and descending. Seeing that angels have wings, the purpose of this ladder is so imperfectly apparent that many learned commentators have contended that it was not a real ladder, but only a ray of glory. One cannot help thinking it rather hard on Jacob that he should be required to dream with logical realism.

2009 Update: In ancient scripture, a symbol of mystery. In old movies, a sign of science fiction.

Jester

JESTER, n. An officer formerly attached to a king's household, whose business it was to amuse the court by ludicrous actions and utterances, the absurdity being attested by his motley costume. The king himself being attired with dignity, it took the world some centuries to discover that his own conduct and decrees were sufficiently ridiculous for the amusement not only of his court but of all mankind. The jester was commonly called a fool, but the poets and romancers have ever delighted to represent him as a singularly wise and witty person. In the circus of to-day the melancholy ghost of the court fool effects the dejection of humbler audiences with the same jests wherewith in life he gloomed the marble hall, panged the patrician sense of humor and tapped the tank of royal tears.

The widow-queen of Portugal
Had an audacious jester
Who entered the confessional
Disguised, and there confessed her.

"Father," she said, "thine ear bend down —
My sins are more than scarlet:
I love my fool — blaspheming clown,
And common, base-born varlet."

"Daughter," the mimic priest replied,
"That sin, indeed, is awful:
The church's pardon is denied
To love that is unlawful.

"But since thy stubborn heart will be
For him forever pleading,
Thou'dst better make him, by decree,
A man of birth and breeding."

She made the fool a duke, in hope
With Heaven's taboo to palter;
Then told a priest, who told the Pope,
Who damned her from the altar!

—Barel Dort

2007 Update: The acrobat within a chivalrous court or a wordsmith in a regime of instant messaging.

Rabbit! Rabbit!

Justice

JUSTICE, n. A commodity which is more or less adulterated condition the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes and personal service.

2007 Update: The name by which we call a priceless painting lost in a tragic accident on the freeway and taken by a tornado wafting safely and undamaged to rest at our feet, or else a foreign misfortune.

Happy birthday to Alice Cooper née Olivia!

Jealous

JEALOUS, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping.

2007 Update: Resentful of the merely envious.

Judge

JUDGE, n. A person who is always interfering in disputes in which he has no personal interest. An official whose functions, as a great legal luminary recently informed a body of local law-students, very closely resemble those of God. The latter, however, is not afraid to punish Chris. Buckley for contempt, and the former has attained no great distinction as the hero of popular oaths.

2007 Update: The wearer of the purse that makes a kangaroo court and the baffle that makes justice blind.

Jove

JOVE, n. A mythical being whom the Greeks and Romans ridiculously supposed to be the supreme ruler of the universe- unacquainted as they were with our holy religion.

2006 Update: Chief of the Roman pantheon, lord of lightning. Wisdom was born when he cracked his own skull.

"Sometimes I'm up, sometimes I'm down, oh, yes, Lord
Sometimes I'm almost to the ground, oh, yes, Lord" -Nobody Knows The Troubles I've Seen, traditional.

While Minka and Puppytoes are sorely disappointed in me, their own fault due to impossibly high or medium expectations, Shayna is treating me dandy at her Music Highway Project. More on this later (when it can be up all day,) but it's the work of a warm heart. Thanks, Shayna.

Jockey

Jockey, n. A person whose business it is to ride and throw races.

2006 Update: v.i. To position oneself in racing for the lead, in commerce for the bet and in government for the denunciation of the horse

Jury

Jury, n. A number of person appointed by a court to assist the attorneys in preventing law from degenerating into justice.

2006 Update: A panel of peers empowered to determine guilt and fate by the Nielsen Company.

Jurisprudence

Jurisprudence, n. The kind of prudence that keeps one inside the law.

2006 Update: The system through which wrongdoers become convicts or judges.

Two Announcements: Indeterminacy has contributed a very good story to Doug Drones On.

The Editorial Board of Waking Ambrose has voted 2-1 to endorse Pia from Courting Destiny for the Koufax Award for best writing in a lefty blog. The dissenting voter thought our endorsement should be reserved to a writer who has contributed significantly to the literature of bones. Thanks to Miz Bohemia for the head's up.

Jealousy

Jealousy, n. The seamy side of love.

2005 Update: The inspiration to get out of bed in the evening. Mother to the Muses.

Happy Birthday, Martin Luther King, Jr.

Joy

Joy, n. An emotion variously excited, but in its highest degree arising from the contemplation of grief in another.

2005 Update: The sensation of having avoided detection. Often wished on that or those we could stand to hear less from.