Omnipresent

OMNIPRESENT, adj. Ecerywhere at once. That the power of omnipresence, or ubiquity, is denied to mortals was known as early as the time of Sir Gotle Roche, who in a speech in Parliament said: "A man cannot be in two places at once unless he is a bird,

2010 Update: Unnoticed.

Olympian

OLYMPIAN, adj. Relating to a mountain in Thessaly, once inhabited by gods, now a repository of yellowing newspapers, beer bottles and mutilated sardine cans, attesting the presence of the tourist and his appetite.

His name the smirking tourist scrawls
Upon Minerva's temple walls,
Where thundered once Olympian Zeus,
And marks his appetite's abuse.
—Averil Joop

2010 Update: Related to the lofty preserve where Greek deities were free to imitate men, unobserved. Private.

In thunder and lightning,

Or chariots fighting,

The Olympians watched and made ready.

The Grecian's divinity

(Powerful, isn't he?)

Englories the will to act petty.

-Aristotle

Old

OLD, adj. In that stage of usefulness which is not inconsistent with general inefficiency, as an old man. Discredited by lapse of time and offensive to the popular taste, as an old book.

"Old books? The devil take them!" Goby said.
"Fresh every day must be my books and bread."
Nature herself approves the Goby rule
And gives us every moment a fresh fool.
—Harley Shum

2010 Update: In syndication.

Offensive

OFFENSIVE, adj. Generating disagreeable emotions or sensations, as the advance of an army against its enemy.

"Were the enemy's tactics offensive?" the king asked. "I should say so!" replied the unsuccessful general. "The blackguard wouldn't come out of his works!"

2010 Update: Provocative of, or in, retreat.

Occident

OCCIDENT, n. The large part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful sub-tribe of the Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the principal industries of the Orient.

2010 Update: The portion of the Northern hemisphere dominated by immigrants rather than conquerers. Among the tribes to have established homelands within the occidental region are the Indiscretes, the Patients and the Punctuals. The adjective, OCCIDENTAL, describes a native of the region, the antonym for EXOTIC.

Grinching tips for the recession

When money's tight in hardship's dark hour,

With gifts too dear for giving or snatching

It's hard on the merry and the dour

Here are hints to make grinching relaxing.

Plastic toys, you can break at home yourself,

Making young children feel justly like fools-

Blame the damage on a foreign-born elf

And translate the package to Magyarúl.

Under the Christmas tree, I'd try setting

Pretty boxes filled with wrapping paper.

Rather than tinsel, string chits from betting

And seal up the stockings with a stapler.

The spirit can flourish, broke though you've grown,

By spiking the eggnog with acetone.

-Brunhilda N. Tepes

CHRISTMAS TREE ORNAMENT, n. A decoration on a hook, symbolizing the season.

Opera

OPERA, n. A play representing life in another world, whose inhabitants have no speech but song, no motions but gestures and no postures but attitudes. All acting is simulation, and the word simulation is from simia, an ape; but in opera the actor takes for his model Simia audibilis (or Pithecanthropos stentor)--the ape that howls.

The actor apes a man--at least in shape;
The opera performer apes an ape.

2009 Update: A coincidence of sheet music with a libretto, typically tragic. The term derives from the Latin plural of OPUS, meaning "works" or is, perhaps, a durable misprint of "ONERA."

Oppose

OPPOSE, v.t. To assist with obstructions and objections.

How lonely he who thinks to vex

With badinage the Solemn Sex!

Of levity, Mere Man, beware;

None but the Grave deserve the Unfair.

Percy P. Orminder

2009 Update: To make a martyr or to make a satyr.

Half-man-half-beasts took up their seats

In the parliament of ancient Crete's

Under good King Minos' aegis.

The floor lay still, and what a thrill,

The King would sing in elden trill

"No law will e'er besiege us!

"So long as human source and rump of horse

Or goat-legs, with bull's heads, of course

Are joined two-in-one-creature-

The caucus lasts, and pretty fast

The opposition's votes are cast

Consensus "neighs"- a democratic feature!"

-Herodotus

Otherwise

OTHERWISE, adv. No better.

2009 Update: Inevitably.

Outsider

OUTSIDER, n. A person austerely censorious of that which he is unable to do or become. In commerce and finance, a member of the army of provision.

2009 Update: Every member of congress, each American journalist, the entire class of working people, any accountant, police officer, preacher, pundit, populist, layabout, roustabout, goldbrick, drunkard, teetotaler, academic, artist, manager, managee, social worker, malcontent, discontent, pollyanna, lama, rabbi, imam, infant, decedent, defendant, prosecuting attorney, judge, juror, executioner, monarchist, patriot, jihadist, bartender or, in the end, every individual member of the great global village of outcasts and separatists as well as their cats. All but the dog.

Gratitude in Odd Years

Given two knees to bend in prayer

And two lips with which to shape the air

Two hands to fold, two eyes to close-

So evenly appreciation shows.

For gratitude's an even state,

A grace to grace reciprocate,

A gift that we give in reflection

Of fortune smiling our direction.

The fourth Thursday in November

We appoint the day that we'll remember

Over second servings, to raise some cheer

For blessings we received this year.

How puzzling, then, the mystery-

That troubles come ennumbered three

And juggling, each of us must labor

To praise all those that plague our neighbor.

And so since we pray annually,

And count our blessings manually,

Some ambivalence is fine

For thanksgiving given in aught-nine.

ODD, adj. Indivisible by two, as a second portion.

Occasional

OCCASIONAL, adj. Afflicting us with greater or less frequency. That, however, is not the sense in which the word is used in the phrase "occasional verses," which are verses written for an "occasion," such as an anniversary, a celebration or other event. True, they afflict us a little worse than other sorts of verse, but their name has no reference to irregular recurrence.

2009 Update: At a frequency one tenth as common as a habit and ten times a lucky break, describing both. For example, OCCASIONAL is spelled "occassional" or "ocassional" occasionally.

Outdo

OUTDO, v.t. To make an enemy.

2009 Update: To do, generally.

Opiate

OPIATE, n. An unlocked door in the prison of Identity. It leads into the jail yard.

2009 Update: A strong narcotic, such as sobering news from overseas.

"The mob is the opiate of the masses"- Friedrich Engels

Obstinate

OBSTINATE, adj. Inaccessible to the truth as it is manifest in the splendor and stress of our advocacy.

The popular type and exponent of obstinacy is the mule, a most intelligent animal.

2009 Update: Partial to a previous conclusion.

Opposition

OPPOSITION, n. In politics the party that prevents the Government from running amuck by hamstringing it.

The King of Ghargaroo, who had been abroad to study the science of government, appointed one hundred of his fattest subjects as members of a parliament to make laws for the collection of revenue. Forty of these he named the Party of Opposition and had his Prime Minister carefully instruct them in their duty of opposing every royal measure. Nevertheless, the first one that was submitted passed unanimously. Greatly displeased, the King vetoed it, informing the Opposition that if they did that again they would pay for their obstinacy with their heads. The entire forty promptly disemboweled themselves.

"What shall we do now?" the King asked. "Liberal institutions cannot be maintained without a party of Opposition."

"Splendor of the universe," replied the Prime Minister, "it is true these dogs of darkness have no longer their credentials, but all is not lost. Leave the matter to this worm of the dust."

So the Minister had the bodies of his Majesty's Opposition embalmed and stuffed with straw, put back into the seats of power and nailed there. Forty votes were recorded against every bill and the nation prospered. But one day a bill imposing a tax on warts was defeated — the members of the Government party had not been nailed to their seats! This so enraged the King that the Prime Minister was put to death, the parliament was dissolved with a battery of artillery, and government of the people, by the people, for the people perished from Ghargaroo.

2009 Update: In politics, the counter-idiocy.

Oleaginous

OLEAGINOUS, adj. Oily, smooth, sleek.

Disraeli once described the manner of Bishop Wilberforce as "unctuous, oleaginous, saponaceous." And the good prelate was ever afterward known as Soapy Sam. For every man there is something in the vocabulary that would stick to him like a second skin. His enemies have only to find it.

2009 Update: Having the properties of oil, in particular repulsiveness and indispensibility. Electable.

Out-of-doors

OUT-OF-DOORS, n. That part of one's environment upon which no government has been able to collect taxes. Chiefly useful to inspire poets.

I climbed to the top of a mountain one day
To see the sun setting in glory,
And I thought, as I looked at his vanishing ray,
Of a perfectly splendid story.

'Twas about an old man and the ass he bestrode
Till the strength of the beast was o'ertested;
Then the man would carry him miles on the road
Till Neddy was pretty well rested.

The moon rising solemnly over the crest
Of the hills to the east of my station
Displayed her broad disk to the darkening west
Like a visible new creation.

And I thought of a joke (and I laughed till I cried)
Of an idle young woman who tarried
About a church-door for a look at the bride,
Although 'twas herself that was married.

To poets all Nature is pregnant with grand
Ideas — with thought and emotion.
I pity the dunces who don't understand
The speech of earth, heaven and ocean.
—Stromboli Smith

2009 Update: A region much explored in college lectures, slide presentations and blog entries. The great out there.

Settling into my chair in a restaurant

Al Gore approached me, earnest though not gaunt

He begged me consider my footprint long

And listen as gravely as he ran on.

"The great outdoors calls you, answer briefly

With sacrifice and appetite chiefly!"

"Where shall I find this suffering sweet thing?"

I asked as he asked the waiter to bring

The fried scallops platter, and a bottle

Of wine, "Seek the fermented to coddle,

The polluted to cleanse, the gassy too

The environment needs me, and I you."

"Where is this environment?" I asked him.

"Outdoors!" He answered, gravy on his chin.

-Calzone Collins.

Orthography

ORTHOGRAPHY, n. The science of spelling by the eye instead of the ear. Advocated with more heat than light by the outmates of every asylum for the insane. They have had to concede a few things since the time of Chaucer, but are none the less hot in defence of those to be conceded hereafter.

A spelling reformer indicted
For fudge was before the court cicted.
The judge said: "Enough —
His candle we'll snough,
And his sepulchre shall not be whicted."

2009 Update: The art of writing in service to spelling, rather than satire.

The Crash

Do ye remember when wall street fell
And the substantial hanged by shoelace?
No demons reached the Earth from hell,
No horsemen rode through space,
But marble crumbled,
Jobs were lost
Runners stumbled
At the cost.
Brokers went broke
Insurers unsteady
Accountants told jokes
Before they were ready,
And the mighty did fall
The stoic did weep
The courageous grew small
And the fatuous deep.
But we all slept soundly even so
Throughout that week so infernal
For wealth might vividly come and go
But greed and folly endure bland and eternal.

OVERSTATEMENT, n. The narrator's ornamentation of the listener's indifference to the suffering of some third party, never himself exaggerated.