Quill

QUILL, n. An implement of torture yielded by a goose and commonly wielded by an ass. This use of the quill is now obsolete, but its modern equivalent, the steel pen, is wielded by the same everlasting Presence.

2009 Update: A source of levity in the wing of a bird, of gravity in the hand of a poet and of obesity in the caricature of a pol.

Quaker

QUAKER, n.  A second person singular.

2009 Update:  A pacifist Christian, redeemed by his neighbor from redundancy.

(Before anyone asks, I have no idea what Bierce meant by that. -UPDATE: I think Weirsdo has the right answer in the comments.)

Quiver

QUIVER, n. A portable sheath in which the ancient statesman and the aboriginal lawyer carried their lighter arguments.

He extracted from his quiver,
Did the controversial Roman,
An argument well fitted
To the question as submitted,
Then addressed it to the liver,
Of the unpersuaded foeman.
—Oglum P. Boomp

2009 Update: v.i.  To self-reflect.

Quotient

QUOTIENT, n. A number showing how many times a sum of money belonging to one person is contained in the pocket of another — usually about as many times as it can be got there.

2009 Update: The result obtained by dividing one number into another, except in finance where the dividend and divisor are generally multiplied instead.

Queer

QUEER, adj.  The reason young men prefer other fellows' sisters to their own.

2008 Update:  Common.

Quenchable

QUENCHABLE, adj.  A bum's ambition.

2008 Update:  Thirsty.

Quotation

QUOTATION, n. The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. The words erroneously repeated.

Intent on making his quotation truer,
He sought the page infallible of Brewer,
Then made a solemn vow that we would be
Condemned eternally. Ah, me, ah, me!

—Stumpo Gaker

2008 Update:  The frivolity of one man finding respectability on the tongue of a stranger.

Quaff

QUAFF, v. Emptying the "sparkling wine" down your throat. When it's only whiskey it's called swallowing.

2008 Update: To drink regally, as one does with wine, not as you do. To consume in the third person.

Quantity

QUANTITY, n.  A good substitute for quality, when you are hungry.

2008 Update:  A characteristic dismissed by the tasteful almost constantly.

Quarter

QUARTER, n.  A planet which will soon be eclipsed by the nickel.

2008 Update:  Truth's share of justice.  Hope's portion of ambition.

Qualification

QUALIFICATION, n.  Being a cousin of the president's tailor.

2008 Update:  A caveat on a promise, most often tacit.  A credential.

Quack

QUACK, n. A murderer without a license.

2008 Update: The campaign promise of an estimable duck.

Quotation

QUOTATION, n. The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. The words erroneously repeated.

Intent on making his quotation truer,
He sought the page infallible of Brewer,
Then made a solemn vow that he would be
Condemned eternally. Ah, me, ah, me!
Stumpo Gaker

2006 Update: The elevation of another fool's wisdom to greater depth. According to Ambrose Bierce, "The act of errogenously repeating the words of another or the words so echoed."

Queen

Queen, n. A woman by whom the realm is ruled when there is a king, and through whom it is ruled when there is not.

2006 Update: The daughter of a mother's son.

Tremble before my niece, Queen Payton Emily I.

Happy Birthday, your Highness!

Quixotic

Quixotic, adj. Absurdly chivalric, like Don Quixote. An insight into the beauty and excellence of this incomparable adjective is unhappily denied to him who has the misfortune to know that the gentleman's name is pronounced Ke-ho-tay.

2005 Update: Certain of one's objective, sure of the outcome and trusting to error in either.

Quorum

Quorum, n. A sufficient number of members of a deliberative body to have their own way and their own way of having it. In the United States Senate a quorum consists of the chairman of the Committee on Finance and a messenger from the White House; in the House of Representatives, of the Speaker and the devil.

2005 Update: A parliamentary safeguard which forbids action until the number of participants insures inaction.

A SAFE, HAPPY AND THOUGHTFUL MEMORIAL DAY, EVERYONE