Dawn of the Fall

The day has come to change the season

Though years like this, there seems no reason

No gold nor rust or scarlet's expected

From leaves that summer ne'er detected.

And the shafts of autumn cannot wither

What shoots in Spring did not deliver.

AUTUMN, n. A season for humility located between the seasons of sloth and disappointment.

Avenge

AVENGE, v.t. In modern usage, to take satisfaction for an injury by cheating the inflictor.

2010 Update: To counter-trivialize, at any expense.

Avernus

AVERNUS, n. The lake by which the ancients entered the infernal regions. The fact that access to the infernal regions. The fact that access to the infernal regions was obtained by a lake is believed by the learned Marcus Ansello Scrutator to have suggested the Christian rite of baptism by immersion. This, however, has been shown by Lactantius to be an error.

Facilis descensus Averni,

The poet remarks; and the sense

Of it is that when down-hill I turn I

Will get more punches than pence.

Jehal Dai Lupe

2010 Update: A lake in southern Italy by which the Italians entered Hell before there were roads to Rome.

O Avernus, thy mirrored waters shew mine face and God's sky,

I trust thou'lt carry both under whene'er I die.

-Narcissus Smytheberry

Abatis

ABATIS, n. Rubbish in front of a fort, to prevent the rubbish outside from molesting the rubbish inside.

2010 Update: The uprooting and repurposing of a forest to shelter mammals.

Abaddon

ABADDON, n. 1. A certain person who is much in society, but whom one does not meet. A bad one.

2. The Adversary of souls, considered under one of his many charming aspects.

2010 Update: The king of stinging locusts, according to St. John the Divine; or the chief of the Immigration and Naturalization Service to come, according to myth.

Charlie's lament

Homecoming weekend, the brass trombones blare
For the meek and the frail and the absent,
Remembrance in procession, unushered by care,
March proudly and loudly through a two-day event.
Lupine in blossom and loco weed, too,
Herald the august unheralded few
Who seeded a world that courted them too
And did all that they weren't too busy to do.

Listen now, children, for the sake of your sanity
And if you learn nothing else, learn this:
"In vain," the preacher cried, "all is but vanity!"
But at least at reunion, the vanity's earnest.

ALUMNUS, n. An itinerant merchant specializing in the exchange of admiration for a bad example.

(Photos: Old red truck for Jim, and an Inyo Black Toad, the mascot of Deep Springs College.)

Abba

ABBA, n. A father who has made a vow not to be a husband.

2010 Update: An affectionate term of reverence for a hermit.

Abacot

ABACOT, n. A cap of state wrought into the shape of two crowns, formerly worn by kings. Very pretty monarchs had it made in the shape of three crowns.

2010 Update*: A breed of duck well fitted for a dictionary-maker's hat.

*of course, I had to look it up. See here and here.

Army

ARMY, n. A class of non-producers who defend the nation by devouring everything likely to tempt an enemy to invade.

2010 Update: A collective of armed representatives commissioned to repel foreign powers at home and decimate them abroad. A "host".

Abroad

ABROAD, adj. At war with savages and idiots. To be a Frenchman abroad is to be miserable; to be an American abroad is to make others miserable.

2010 Update: Obtuse with an excuse.

Bearing the cross in 2010 (A Holy Week Update)

To suffer for the sins of strangers,

Ain't like it used to be.

Now you carry their commentary,

Instead of your own tree.

The modern Via Dolorosa

Has now been repaved,

With kittens, kids and crimes

Uploaded to be saved.

Our piercings come by links not spears

Our crown of thorns, the Net,

Our stigmata, the array of tears

Of those we haven't met.

So if you'd trail the Savior's course,

Through Passion Week, undyin',

Stable up the glorious horse,

And ride your ass online.

ATONEMENT, n. The correction of sin, effectively by suffering your victims.

Argue

ARGUE, v.t. To attentively consider with the tongue.

2009 Update: v.i. To celebrate the bonds of affection, made loose by proximity.

Merry Christmas to all who pass this way. Forgive your uncles.

Authentic

AUTHENTIC, adj. Indubitably true- in somebody's opinion.

He ne'er discredited authentic news,

That tended to substantiate his views

And never controverted an assertion

When true, if it was easy of perversion.

So frank was he that where he was unjust

He always would confess it when he must.

"The Lawyer," 1750

2009 Update: Traditional, according to a previous revision. For example, fajitas, White Christmas and Waking Ambrose.

Merry Christmas Eve to you all.

Air

AIR, n. A nutritious substance supplied by bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor.

2009 Update: The commodity most liberated by tariff or by trade agreement. An affordable source of foreign accord.

Abridge

ABRIDGE, v.t. To shorten.

When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for
people to abridge their king, a decent respect for the opinions of
mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel
them to the separation.

Oliver Cromwell

2009 Update: 2 amend 4 modernity's sake, contesting vapidity with vacuity. To shorte.

Asperse

ASPERSE, v.t. Maliciously to ascribe to another vicious actions which one has not had the temptation and opportunity to commit.

2009 Update: To baptize by sputum into the grand fellowship of the slandered.

Adonis

ADONIS, n. A comely youth, remembered chiefly for his unkindness to Venus. He has been unjustly censured by those who forget that in his time goddesses were only ten cents a bunch.

2009 Update: The hero Andromeda awaited from the foam.

Arrayed

ARRAYED, p.p. Drawn up and given an orderly disposition, as a rioter hanged to a lamppost.

2009 Update: Distributed for tyranted transcendence.

"Consider the lillies and how they're arrayed

Idle, unspun and quickly bouqueted." -St. Florence of Fasterbrook

Abjectly

ABJECTLY, adv. In the manner of a poor but honest person.

2009 Update: In the manner of a discovered dignitary.

Advice to my Nephew, Jake, on the day after his fifth birthday (Adults Only)

When it's time to get up out of bed
Don't lead with your soft blond head
First stick out your two big toes
And move them slowly to and fro.
Then pull back your little paws
Counting up all your claws.

And if your feet are whole, don't hurry,
But make sure first there's nothing furry.
Slowly sticking out your mitt
To feel the bedside, bit by bit
And then inspect the hand retracted.
Make sure no digits were redacted.

And even if all still seems well
Keep the blanket o'er your face a spell.
That's the hardest part to do without,
So if you still have any doubt
Don't risk your little pumpkin head
While books may lurk beneath your bed.

AVUNCULAR, adj. Quotidian, one day behind.