Kine

KINE, n. Cows.

If kine is the plural of cow,
And the plural of sow is swine,
Then pumpkins may hang from a vow,
And coronets rest upon brine.

2009 Update: Cattle, as they were called archaically when their skin was still suede.

King's Evil

KING'S EVIL, n. A malady that was formerly cured by the touch of the sovereign, but has now to be treated by the physicians. Thus "the most pious Edward" of England used to lay his royal hand upon the ailing subjects and make them whole —

a crowd of wretched souls
That stay his cure: their malady convinces
The great essay of art; but at his touch,
Such sanctity hath Heaven given his hand,
They presently amend,

as the "Doctor" in Macbeth hath it. This useful property of the royal hand could, it appears, be transmitted along with other crown properties; for according to "Malcolm,"

'tis spoken
To the succeeding royalty he leaves
The healing benediction.

But the gift somewhere dropped out of the line of succession: the later sovereigns of England have not been tactual healers, and the disease once honored with the name "king's evil" now bears the humbler one of "scrofula," from scrofa, a sow. The date and author of the following epigram are known only to the author of this dictionary, but it is old enough to show that the jest about Scotland's national disorder is not a thing of yesterday.

Ye Kynge his evill in me laye,
Wh. he of Scottlande charmed awaye.
He layde his hand on mine and sayd:
"Be gone!" Ye ill no longer stayd.
But O ye wofull plyght in wh.
I'm now y-pight: I have ye itche!

The superstition that maladies can be cured by royal taction is dead, but like many a departed conviction it has left a monument of custom to keep its memory green. The practice of forming a line and shaking the President's hand had no other origin, and when that great dignitary bestows his healing salutation on

strangely visited people,
All swoln and ulcerous, pitiful to the eye,
The mere despair of surgery,

he and his patients are handing along an extinguished torch which once was kindled at the altar-fire of a faith long held by all classes of men. It is a beautiful and edifying "survival" — one which brings the sainted past close home in our "business and bosoms."

2007 Update:  An illness the remedy of which was the touch of the sovereign, which is now known to be the bacillus of poverty and sloth.

Krishna

KRISHNA, n.  A form under which the pretended god Vishnu became incarnate.  A very likely story indeed.

2007 Update:  An ox-herder who was born a deity and conquered demons to become a prince of men.  This remains the standard political biography, except that in modernity the demons are consulted instead.

Kill

KILL, v.t.  To create a vacancy without nominating a successor.

2007 Update:  To provide a satisfying answer to the question "why?" 

Kilt

KILT, n. A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen in America and Americans in Scotland.

2007 Update: A skirt worn by men to display tribal pride.

Kill

KILL, v.t. To create a vacancy without nominating a successor.

2007 Update: To release from corruption and make admirable.

Keep

KEEP, v.t.

He willed away his whole estate,
And then in death he fell asleep,
Murmuring: "Well, at any rate,
My name unblemished I shall keep."
But when upon the tomb 'twas wrought
Whose was it?-for the dead keep naught.
Durang Gophel Arn

2007 Update: To collect, as boxes, and maintain, as shelving. To bury above ground and worship subconsciously. To retrieve and rethieve.

Koran

KORAN, n. A book which the Mohammedans foolishly believe to have been written by divine inspiration, but which Christians know to be a wicked imposture, contradictory to the Holy Scriptures.

2007 Update: A scripture the adherents to which call a message of peace from the divine but may confess advocates violence under extreme duress.

Greetings from the other side. This site is now on New Blogger, which seems to be weirder than old but at least I can say Rabbit! Rabbit! in color.

Knight

KNIGHT, n.

Once a warrior gentle of birth,
Then a person of civic worth,
Now a fellow to move our mirth.
Warrior, person, and fellow — no more:
We must knight our dogs to get any lower.
Brave Knights Kennelers then shall be,
Noble Knights of the Golden Flea,
Knights of the Order of St. Steboy,
Knights of St. Gorge and Sir Knights Jawy.
God speed the day when this knighting fad
Shall go to the dogs and the dogs go mad.

2007 Update: A bygone hero who defended the honor of maidens, the safety of the homeland and the ambitions of his faith while wearing a mask and robbed, murdered and debauched in every day clothes.

Kangaroo

KANGAROO, n. An unconventional kind of animal which in shape is farther than any other from being the square of its base. It is assisted in jumping by its tail (which makes very good soup) and when it has happened to alight on the surprised Australian it is usually observable that his skin is unbuttoned from the neck downward and he carries his bowels in his arms.

2007 Update: A reverse pachyderm of the southern hemisphere designed to demonstrate the coriolis effect. The kangaroo demonstrates the intelligent hand behind the origin of species, as had it evolved in Kansas rather than Australia, the kangaroo likely would have entered politics rather than pugilism.

A joke heard in central Queensland: A man who had grown up alone in the outback sent to Sydney for a wife. When the woman arrived she found an empty house with furniture placed outside in front. She asked the man why he didn't live in his house and he replied "I put the furniture outside this morning. If you're anything like a kangaroo, I figure we'll need plenty of floorspace."

Kleptomaniac

KLEPTOMANIAC, n. A rich thief.

2006 Update: A revealed member of the tribe of Adam.

King

King, n. A male person commonly known in America as a "crowned head," although he never wears a crown and has usually no head to speak of.

A king, in times long, long gone by,
Said to his lazy jester:
"If I were you and you were I
My moments merrily would fly --
Nor care nor grief to pester."

"The reason, Sire, that you would thrive,"
The fool said -- "if you'll hear it --
Is that of all the fools alive
Who own you for their sovereign, I've
The most forgiving spirit."

2005 Update: A male sovereign whose divine right and funny ears share a source. See Donkey.

Happy Birthday to King Stevie I of Portland

Left, Stevie Mooney, Crowned Head

Kindness

Kindness, n. A brief preface to ten volumes of exaction.

2005 Update: The inspiration for a troubled conscience.

Thanks, friends, for the big blog birthday bash. Which of you put laundry soap in the pond?

Kiss

Kiss, n. A word invented by the poets as a rhyme for "bliss." It is supposed to signify, in a general way, some kind of rite or ceremony appertaining to a good understanding; but the manner of its performance is unknown to this lexicographer.

2005 Update: A broken promise to the better self.