Friday, December 23, 2005


Christmas, n. A day set apart and consecrated to gluttony, drunkenness, maudlin sentiment, gift-taking, public dullness and domestic behavior.
What! not religious? You should see, my pet,
On every Christmas day how drunk I get!
O, I'm a Christian- not a pious monk
Honors the Master with so dead a drunk.
2005 Update: The last opportunity of the calendar year to prove one's wholesomeness and generosity before the New Year's bacchanal is followed by the season of tax fraud.


The Reverent Eater said...

My, oh my! Is that a Russian Chrismas slug wishing the Christmas Bunnies a Happy New Year?
And my, oh my! Am I really the first one to get here this fine day?

Anonymous said...

And I'm the second. Merry merry Christmas Doug

Semisweet1 said...

Christmas, n: In modern American tradition, a season which elicits all the warm excitement that can be summoned in youth, and all the rank foolishness and bitterness that can be mustered in adulthood.

Grownups: Grow up! Isn't it enough that you deny Santa? Do you have to extract every possible joy, as well? (see: Politicization of the Season to be Jolly.)

С Новым Годом! С Новым счастьем!

Unknown said...

can't comment as my mouse is not stirring

Doug said...

I think so, Manchego. Semisweet1 can translate for us. You are clearly the first. Wear the glow.

Thanks, Pia. And Happy Hannukah to you. And Merry Christmas, what the hell.

Well done, S! And thanks for the reminder. Is rank jollity an acceptable compromise?

Hahaha, Karma!

TLP said...

Christmas, n., A season, surrounding a day by the same name, which makes us nicer to each other than we normally would be.

The day passes quickly and the season leaves us no kinder than we were before. Or as Kin Hubbard said, "Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packes up and tears out of town any quicker than the Christmas spirit."

Miz BoheMia said...

Christmas~ A celebration not connected to any religion or any messiah... but instead to honoring a certain Danish grandfather who was in love with the holiday and strict about following the Danish tradition... I hope you are proud of how we do it at home... here's to you Papa...

Miz BoheMia said...

And Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Hannukah, Kwanza, Yalda, Winter Solstice.... Happy Everything to all! *bohemian suffers from system overload*... and


dddragon said...

Christmas: one of two days (the other being New Year's Eve) where people indulge before vowing not to on the first day of the New Year.

Sort of like Mardi Gras before Lent.

AsianSmiles said...

.. best time to say "i forgive you" to enemies while drafting a vengeance attack in his new year's resolution list.

Minka said...

Christmas; a short time with character alteration, lying to small children, face distortions of the constant smiling, sleep deprivations and loads of paper cuts from the darn wrapping of all those gifts.
It has good food though, otherwise I´d sleep right through it.

Minka said...

First time I have seen Santa depicted as a snail...see I always wondered how he managed to bring Christmas presents to every one in jutsr one night...being a snail-that sure should pose a challenge :)

Omnipotent Poobah said...

I once heard a story about an American in Japan who walked into a department store and saw a Christmas display consisting of a crucified Santa.

Talk about mixing metaphors.

LeMas. said...

Christmas-see also credit card debt.
And nice job with the tax fraud thing in the definition Doug.

Logophile said...

Does this mean I need to start being wholesome and generous?
Shoot, why didn't I get a memo before now?

Doug said...

Speak for yourself, TLP, although I love the quote.

I'm sure he's proud, Miz B. You'll post about it, right? Merry all of that to you as well.

I'm havin' gravy, Dddragon. Lots of gravy. We'll see about resolutions. I have a week, right? Good point on the Mardi Gras/ New Year's connection.

Asiansmiles, I'm shocked! Shocked! and amused.

See, Monika, that's what I don't understand. Shouldn't we lie to children and eat too much all year 'round?

Man, Poobah. I'll say.

Tell me about it, Masil, and I haven't even bought presents.

Not to fear, Logophile. I usually start Christmas morning and try to focus until 2 or so.

Michael K. Willis said...

Wholesomeness and generosity? I KNEW there was something I was forgetting to do this year! Oh bother!

Happy Christmas, Doug :-)

Unknown said...

Hmmmmm....prove my wholesomeness and generosity? And here I was finally realizing that I had spent a number of years trying to be much more wholesome than I really am...what are you trying to do to me Doug...I am already a very confused individual...

Oh well...Merry Happy Holidays Christmas...see how I got it all in there...

sugarcornpop said...

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the fields, keeping watch over their flocks by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the lord shone round about them, and they were so afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not, for behold, I bring unto you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you this day is born in the City of Bethlehem, a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; you shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes and lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel, a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest, and on Earth peace, good will toward men'".

That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie brown.

mireille said...

A brief few hours, especially the night before, when nearly all commerce ceases and quiet falls all around. You can calmly go into yourself or, if you're lucky, finally be calm with those around you. My present unwrapped under your tree, D, is an attempt to wrap my mind around value stream in a social service context. Because it seems important to understand. xoxo

Doug said...

Hey! Michael, first of my blog friends! Merry Christmas to you, sir! And not to fear, Santa only keeps track of minors.

Nicely done, Spirit Dancer and never fear. My dictionary is descriptive not prescriptive, whatever that means. Merry Happy Holiday Christmas to you.

Linus/Sugarcornpop, thank you. and Hosannah! (and Merry Christmas to you, the midgets and Mambo)

Hahahahaha, Mireille. My present to you is you're forgiven from ever looking at that page again. Zockso!

TLP said...

Christmas is a wonderous time. I'm already wondering what good story Doug will give us tomorrow.

Doug said...

TLP, I was thinking about the one where the outhouse fell over on Memorial Day. Does that sound good?

Rio said...

christmas already? dont we still have a couple days here? ah yes drunk on christmas day? yes please. cool christmas snail

Ariel the Thief said...

crucified Santa, ROTFL!!! I mean holy shit! thanks, Poobah, you've saved my night.

Sar said...

Who are we kidding?

Christmas means PRESENTS!!!

So, what did you get me Doug? I got you, my favorite blog dog, a juicy steak. Just make sure you share with my favorite junior-blog dogs too. :)

Doug said...

Rio, you have a couple days yet. This is my last weekday post so I went for it. Enjoy the holiday the manner of your choosing.

Ariel, Poobah rescues days and nights using crucified Christmas characters all the time!!!

Sar, I got you a bucket o' snark and some Karo syrup.

Tom & Icy said...

Yummy! An escargot Santa! Better than the chocolate ones!

TLP said...

Outhouse tipping, cow tipping, it's all the same. Well, wait. No it's not.

Were you IN the outhouse when it tipped? Yeah, go with that story.

AsianSmiles said...

Ooops, hehe. Just my way of saying "be warned"... and "I had too much coffee this morning".

Merry Christmas Doug!

actonbell said...

Bravo!!! This is just the cat's pajamas--AND a snail, AND bunnies.
Speaking of lying to children, yes I have read David Sedaris's essay about his job as one of Santa's elves--and heard part of it this morning on the radio. (Almost made me late for work.) The part when a mother pulls him aside to confirm to her little bratty kid that Santa WILL leave him coal instead of a gift if he doesn't start behaving immediately, and Sedaris replies with a story about how Santa doesn't traffic in coal anymore. Instead, Santa comes to brats' houses and starts stealing their things--"he'll take all your electronics and leave you in the dark..." and the mother was actually scared away-LOL!

Christmas is about buying and getting lots of stuff, eating and drinking too much, AND visiting family and friends. It's a good time, as long as you've done all the prerequisite chores.
Happy Holidays, everyone!

Doug said...

Icy, Willie and Walela agree with you. Merry Christmas.

TLP, I'll see what I can do. I just suddenly realized how close we've come to Monika's cartoon from a few days back.

And to you, Asiansmiles. I wasn't too scared.

Haha, Actonbell. I also like when the lady says "I'm going to have you fired" and he says he wanted to answer "I'm going to have you killed?" Wait, what are these pre-requisite chores? Anyway, Merry Christmas to you and Ekim and Serena.

tlm said...

Christmas, n.
1. A talking point, devised in the late 1990's by a consortium comprised of the Catholic Church, Diebold, and Halliburton, to purposely violate the First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution and draw the ire of Liberals everywhere.
2. (obsolete) A harmless holiday greeting, when coupled with the prefix Merry.

Jamie Dawn said...

I'm SO late getting to blog today. Shucks!
I cleaned house and baked. We decorated cookies and tried to make these chocolate mice thingies.
I like the gluttony part of Ambrose's definition, and I plan to fulfill that duty of Christmas.
You used another of those big words that catch me by surprise: bacchanal. The last four letters are interesting.

A very Merry Christmas to you, Doug!!!

Cooper said...

Unlike Karma, my mouse is always stirring but I'm young what can I say.

Christmas: A great day to go see a movie.

Have a Happy One Doug.

I hope you get a diamond studded dog collar. :) The manly type of course.

Lila said...

Great definition, Doug!

Christmas, n. A grand holiday that gets more boring with age.

Bah, humbug!

Anonymous said...

I doubted Santa Claus by the time I was four.
Christmas: a time for skepticism.

Doug said...

TLM, I knew Diebold was involved somehow. Secret Santa indeed!

Haha, Jamie Dawn, it's the root of the word Analyst, I think. Merry Christmas to you and yours.

Thanks, Alice. You have a great one yourself and let your dad win a couple races. I'm a simple Dawg, velvet will be fine. May your mouse never be tamed.

Aral, there is no Christmas spirit requirement here on this site. I wish a jolly day of scowling and growling and gritting your teeth.

Weirsdo, I assume by that that you didn't hear of Santa until you were three-and-a-half.

Unknown said...

A season of commercial opportunity and relationship testing in which the man celebrated would doubtless revile.