Groan

GROAN, n. The language in which a Republican Federal officeholder expounds his view of the political situation.

2007 Update (as if necessary): Punditry by other means.

Gargoyle

GARGOYLE, n. A rain-spout projecting from the eaves of mediaeval buildings, commonly fashioned into a grotesque caricature of some personal enemy of the architect or owner of the building. This was especially the case in churches and ecclesiastical structures generally, in which the gargoyles presented a perfect rogues' gallery of local heretics and controversialists. Sometimes when a new dean and chapter were installed the old gargoyles were removed and others substituted having a closer relation to the private animosities of the new incumbents.

2007 Update: Architectural evidence that the most pious and devoted medievel Christians still sought protection from pagans. The overhead powerpoint presentation of the Dark Ages.

A Giant's Headache

Episode 20 of The Meditations of Diogenes The Cynic.

To hear the story, drop a coin in the cup.


This week, in The Prattler, "Hitchens Is Not God."








Read the story, but try not to irritate Polyphemus, he's grumpy.

Ugliness

UGLINESS, n. A gift of the gods to certain women, entailing virtue without humility.

2007 Update: The inspiration for launching every ship that beauty capsizes. The heart's Scylla to desire's Charybdis.

Helen's beauty launched one thousand ships. Ugliness has launched a million since. -Herodotus

Usage

USAGE, n. The First Person of the literary Trinity, the Second and Third being Custom and Conventionality. Imbued with a decent reverence for this Holy Triad an industrious writer may hope to produce books that will live as long as the fashion.

2007 Update: The linguistic conventions that distinguish local speech from provincial slang.

The Oracle of Santa Clarita

To a lonely desert village, just outside of L.A.
Came a wanderer searching for meaning.
There was said to be an Oracle, far less rare today,
And two dogs to interpret the gleaning.

For the legend was written from sidebar to scaffold
That, without even charging a fee,
The magus was kind to the bitter and baffled
And a master of lexicography.

The journey was long and the way hard to follow
And mystery shrouded the labors.
For the pathway was bent like the flight of a swallow
And the house, it looked just like its neighbors.

But the seeker, at last, discovered the master
Sitting sagely beneath a broken tree
"Tell me, Oh wise one, for my life's a disaster,
What does it mean to live free?"

The oracle nodded his head, wise and kind
and spoke in a voice low and hoarse
"That is a verb, intransitive, and defined
'To elect one's slaveholder', of course."

And then the wise man rose with a flourish
And, turning his wise and kind head,
Pointed to the seeker and addressed the chorus
"If you don't mind, please explain what I said."

LIVE FREE, v.i. To elect one's slaveholder.
ORACLE, n. A prophetic lichen.
SEEKER, n. A rolling moss.

Understanding

UNDERSTANDING, n. A cerebral secretion that enables one having it to know a house from a horse by the roof on the house. Its nature and laws have been exhaustively expounded by Locke, who rode a house, and Kant, who lived in a horse.

His understanding was so keen
That all things which he'd felt, heard, seen,
He could interpret without fail
If he was in or out of jail.
He wrote at Inspiration's call
Deep disquisitions on them all,
Then, pent at last in an asylum,
Performed the service to compile 'em.
So great a writer, all men swore,
They never had not read before.
—Jorrock Wormley

2007 Update: adj. Able and available to empathize with oneself in the company of others. This differs from SENSITIVE, the ability to sympathize, in a manner neither the empathetic nor the sympathic, nor those who use such words in conversation would understand or honor in any case. Tender hearted muttonheads!

Urbanity

URBANITY, n. The kind of civility that urban observers ascribe to dwellers in all cities but New York. Its commonest expression is heard in the words, "I beg your pardon," and it is not consistent with disregard of the rights of others.

The owner of a powder mill
Was musing on a distant hill —
Something his mind foreboded —
When from the cloudless sky there fell
A deviled human kidney! Well,
The man's mill had exploded.
His hat he lifted from his head;
"I beg your pardon, sir," he said;
"I didn't know 'twas loaded."
—Swatkin

2007 Update: The fashion of those influenced by vulgar neighbors to defy convention.

Homecoming

Episode 19 of The Meditations of Diogenes The Cynic. Thanks to this weeks readers!

To hear the story, join the band.


This week, in The Prattler, "Glad Tidings."








To read the story, scold Diogenes.

For extra fun, here are some first tries at the recording, graciously donated by this week's readers. The first is a minute and a half and the next two around thirty seconds in length.

Bandit

BANDIT, n. A person who takes by force from A what A has taken by guile from B.

2007 Update: The chief administrator of a transient bureaucracy.