Beg

BEG, v. To ask for something with an earnestness proportioned to the belief that it will not be given.

Who is that, father?

A mendicant, child,
Haggard, morose, and unaffable — wild!
See how he glares through the bars of his cell!
With Citizen Mendicant all is not well.

Why did they put him there, father?

Because
Obeying his belly he struck at the laws.

His belly?

Oh, well, he was starving, my boy —
A state in which, doubtless, there's little of joy.
No bite had he eaten for days, and his cry
Was "Bread!" ever "Bread!"

What's the matter with pie?

With little to wear, he had nothing to sell;
To beg was unlawful — improper as well.

Why didn't he work?

He would even have done that,
But men said: "Get out!" and the State remarked: "Scat!"
I mention these incidents merely to show
That the vengeance he took was uncommonly low.
Revenge, at the best, is the act of a Siou,
But for trifles —

Pray what did bad Mendicant do?

Stole two loaves of bread to replenish his lack
And tuck out the belly that clung to his back.

Is that all father dear?

There's little to tell:
They sent him to jail, and they'll send him to — well,
The company's better than here we can boast,
And there's —

Bread for the needy, dear father?

Um — toast.

—Atka Mip

2008 Update: To acquire by second-hand anxiety.

Bottle

BOTTLE, n.  An oracle consulted by Panurge as to whether he should marry.  By the ancient Crapuli the bottle was worshipped as a deity, but since the great reformation the Amphoristic religion has prevailed among their descendants- that is to say, the worship of the Little Brown Jug, who, under the name of Juggernaut, is revered also by the Hindoos.

2008 Update:  A subsidiary prosthesis for the liver and tongue.

Open letter to the cowards, idiots and reprobates in the U.S. Congress

Honorable madames and dearest sirs;

Something in e'ry loyal heart stirs

At the thought that you will soon pass a new FISA,

Thinking none of us will be the wiser.

For freedom's sake, challenge liberty

Assuming that no one can see,

And set aside the only courts

That judge a scoundrel's last resorts.

The assumptions under which we labor,

That domestic spying is best left to our neighbor,

That privacy's too precious to be bought

Surely needed a second thought.

And so you took initiative,

Little enough to offer but much to give,

And provided us with your new thinking,

Muddled some, I reckon, by your drinking.

Enlightened now, I find the need,

For sympathy with your misdeed,

For I, myself, wish I could wiretap

The minds behind your flapping traps.

Let the government now listen in

To the words we speak within the din.

But, of what you hear, take care what's true

Because some of us have learned from you.

WOLFPACK, n. Change we can believe in.

Thanks, Cooper for the inspiration.

Bounty

BOUNTY, n.  The liberality of one who has much, in permitting one who has nothing to get all he can.  

A single swallow, it is said, devours ten millions of insects every year.  The supplying of these insects I take to be a signal instance of the Creator's bounty in providing for the lives of His creatures.

Henry Ward Beecher

2008 Update:  The plumage a judge paints on a decoy.

Happy birthday to bountiful G.

Barometer

BAROMETER, n.  An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.

2008 Update:  A device for determining the weighed consensus of local air regarding its future activities.  A mechanical focus group.

The Unionville Chronicles

Fifteenth Canto

This week the reading is by my mother and Enrique. ¡Muchas gracias, antiguos!  Click on the cowboy to hear a surprisingly concise story.

To read, click on the Station of The Cross.

Importer

IMPORTER, n.  One of a class of miscreants whose business received from tariff legislation "the protection which vultures give to lambs."

2008 Update: A sanctioned thief who despicably extracts profit from the appetites of his countrymen and the avarice of foreign laborers.  Also, a patriot who gleans the labor from the immigrant at the border. 

To my naturalized, unnaturalized or unnatural American friends, happy Independence Day.

Intelligent

INTELLIGENT, adj.  In politics, having a vote-in journalism, taking the paper; holding the same opinion  as oneself; rich; veneered by the Chatauqua Society.

Sourissa was intelligent-

She worshipped only brain

Dudeus was so swell a gent

He looked with high disdain

On intellect.  He said: "If you

Were nicely stupid I would woo."

Sourissa, contumelius,

Induced him with a kick

To revolute cartwheelious

Until the man was sick.

Contemplative of his gyrade,

"nobody asked you." she sayd.

2008 Update: Able to distinguish among lying, treason and fair trade.

The Last Refuge (Some patriotic Noyes for TLP)

The wind was a stream of fervor among the townsfolk July Four,

The fields were a broad and fertile national metaphor,

The fireworks were dazzling dahlias in a garden of black sky

And a patriot started whining-

. Whining-whining-

A patriot started whining while his wife ate a moon pie.

He'd a Northrup King hat on his forehead, a Hank, Junior beard on his chin,

A silver cross across his chest over the tattoo "Born To Sin,"

His shirt ended halfway down his belly, his rubber boots were wide and tall

And he held forth on immigration,

. Foreign immigration,

Wages lost to immigration, and how we ought to build a wall.

As the night of Independence Day continued gayly on

The patriot kept on grieving over good days that had gone;

On the grass nearby, his neighbors celebrated freedom, filled with awe,

As he deplored the NAFTA treaty,

. The cursed NAFTA treaty

He cursed the NAFTA treaty and vowed "there ought to be a law."

When the band had cased their instruments and the pyrotechnics had gone still,

The patriot picked up the empty cooler and set it by his cooling grill.

As the parking lot emptied out under a sky now filled with smoke,

The patriot could be heard at last

. His voice louder than the drums, at last;

In a voice as loud as a drum blast, the man told a stupid joke.

"How many arabs does it take to change a light?" he asked.

"None, they just break wind on termite hills, 'til the hill fills up with gas.

"Can you believe it costs me twenty bucks to drive to work each day?"

Then climbed up into his pick-up truck,

. His bumper-stickered pick-up truck

He cranked his one-ton pick-up truck and hammered it away.

And still every July Fourth, they say, when the wind is freedom's ghost,

The fireworks are dazzling dahlias, and the similes grow in rows,

And the band plays God Bless America, but for some years when there's rain,

You can hear a patriot in debt,

. A patriot owing on his tv set

You can hear a patriot rise to bless the troops at war and then complain.

HIGHWAYMAN, n. Yesterday's good Samaritan.

Oh, a programming note: The rest of this week I'll be in Indiana with honest people and questionable internet connections. Apologies in advance for late posts, unanswered comments, unvisited blogs, good moods, etc.

Ignis Fatuus

IGNIS FATUUS, n. Love.

2008 Update: The illusion of a fiery spirit caused by the ignition of methane gas over bogs in Ireland or the desert of the U.S. borderland. SEE: WILL-O-THE-WISP, GHOST LIGHT, FOXFIRE, POPULISM, ELVIS.

RABBIT RABBIT

And happy Canada Day to my friends in the suburban U.S.