Piracy

Piracy, n. Commerce without its folly-swaddles, just as God made it.

2005 Update: The restoration of popular entertainment to its authors.

Politeness

Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy.

2005 Update: A silken glove around a rusty hook.

Prehistoric

Prehistoric, adj. Belonging to an early period and a museum. Antedating the art and practice of perpetuating falsehood.

2005 Update: Pertaining to events the satire of which is forgotten.

Siren

Siren, n. One of several musical prodigies famous for a vain attempt to dissuade Odysseus from a life on the ocean wave. Figuratively, any lady of splendid promise, dissembled purpose and disappointing performance.

2005 Update: A scurrilous term for an honest broker who simply trades what a man hasn't for whatever he has.

Clio

Clio, n. One of the nine muses, Clio's function was to preside over history- which she did with great dignity, many of the prominent citizens of Athens occupying seats on the platform, the meetings being addressed by messrs. Xenophon, Herodotus and other popular speakers.

2005 Update: An annual award given for excellence in advertising. Although hardly noteworthy among honors and awards for success in deceit and misdirection, it does look nice on the mantle.

Clairvoyant

Clairvoyant, n. A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron- namely, that he is a blockhead.

2005 Update: adj., Having the power to see into the future for a good hiding place.

Zeus

Zeus, n. The chief of the Grecian gods, adored by the Romans as Jupiter and by the modern Americans as God, Gold, Mob and Dog. Some explorers who have touched upon the shores of America, and one who professes to have penetrated a considerable distance into the interior, have thought that these four names stand for as many distinct deities, but in his monumental work on Surviving Faiths, Frumpp insists that the natives are monotheists, each having no other god than himself, whom he worships under many sacred names.

2005 Update: Purveyor of lightning and chef laureate of the United States.

Kiss

Kiss, n. A word invented by the poets as a rhyme for "bliss." It is supposed to signify, in a general way, some kind of rite or ceremony appertaining to a good understanding; but the manner of its performance is unknown to this lexicographer.

2005 Update: A broken promise to the better self.

Rostrum

Rostrum, n. In Latin, the beak of a bird or the prow of a ship. In American, a place from which which a candidate for office energetically expounds the wisdom, virtue and power of the rabble.

2005 Update: A platform for the public humiliation, torture and execution of truth.

Bride

Bride, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

2005 Update: A lure admirably suited to catching fishermen.