Redefining misanthropy for a fresh generation. Standard posts begin with a definition from Ambrose Bierce's The Devil's Dictionary followed by a modern adjustment. Miscellany on Wednesday and storytelling on Saturday.
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Spree
Story #53, in which we find Doug once again hitch-hiking for Pete's sake.
To hear the story, follow the flock.
To read the story, stand your ground.
This week in The Prattler"Keeping An Aye on Treason."
I was just wondering if your mom knows all these stories. If she reads them here for the first time you are not only a contagious fool, you are initiating heart attachs all over! You little dare-devil, you!
So, who is the story about? A blogger that I don't know? Someone named Pete?
I hope to heaven that this is another tall tale. Jeez Louise boy. Please, please, say it ain't so. I know that you used to be an idiot that hitched rides and all, but ...
I am shocked, too. I can picture the horror of the mothers of the Australian aborigine car-thieves when they learnt who their sons picked up. if they ever dared tell it to their mothers at all...
Perfect definition, as I don't know who's the greater fool. You for you taking the ride, or them for having having a duffle bag stuffed with pot yet deciding it would be profitable to hit you up for cash.
And dammit I knew I forgot something when we had b'fst. I forgot to bring your I HEART DANGER t-shirt. Hmph!
Actually, the word for the day is "dumb f***" and tochtor Minka, I am glad I adopted someone with sense to depend on in my old age, Itis good to see you at the head of the line.
By the way, I'm thinking this might make a good treatment for a Coen Brothers flick. Of course you might have to be killed off - all in the name of art.
And how interesting that this Saturday rendition wasn't the defining story you used for yesterday's word. My son, the IDIOT!
This confession ranks up there with other later ones of your youth...Like Deep Springs' Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds visions and 24 hour climbs up Peruvian mountains alone without food....Well, I guess we both did something right. You're still around.
well, everybody else has pretty much labeled you a dumbs*** so I don't have to. When you asked for the tire iron, I was getting ready for some Jackie Chan action ... you know, you knock them all out, grab the dope and grow up to become Australia's No. 1 Narcotics Kingpin. It's this kind of story that brings new meaning to adolescent highjinks. Thank God, now you're old and staid. xoxo
Sar, don't worry about the t-shirt. It was implied in the eating.
No towel, either, Puppybrose. And I'd read the first three books, too. A slow learner, me.
TLP, I'm reformed. Still kind of dumb, but reformed.
G, I'm living prrof that God watches over fools, children and (see my father's comment)
Pop, if that event had gone the way it should have I might have had to start listening.
Jenna, I think having a daughter your age by the same name might get in the way. At least, I'd hope so.
Sure, Actonbell, dumb luck and contagious foolishness,
G, anything in the name of art.
Mama, I think I can infer without the dictionary. PLOTZ, n. The son of sages.
Mireille, were you around for my previous story about Australia? It was maybe last August and I nearly became just that in the eyes of a drunken smuggler.
Logo, it's been a good day. Everybody feel better?
Okay, okay. I'm over the vapors now. I reminded myself that you used to be a half-bubble-off-plumb, and you are now well balanced, so all is well. *sigh*
Plotz,v., Dead faint brought on by formerly ne'er-do-well son.
Doug love the story and would like to be added to the list of those wanting to be adopted by your Mom & Dad. Amazing the things we do in life that, upon later review through the eyes of greater wisdom gained through experiencing things like this, are simply mind boggling.
Sigh. Look at you throwing a wrench in my plans, Douglas. What am I do now? I will pine away instead. Yep. I'd ask to be adopted but then you can't be my lecherous "uncle" and we know my stand on lechers. Huzzah!
Do you know what this story needed even though I loved it? A Princess!
What a fun tale you have to tell. And it was related so calmly - ~sigh~ what a guy. The only two times I've hitchhiked, were two times too many. One was by a kidnapper van with no handles on the inside of the doors, and the other was a pervert in Hollyweird wearing no pants... !!! It's a different story for girls. I learned my lesson.
Doug - you may be thinking of putz (although yutz would be a little more PG). When your Mama read this story she plotz-ed (as it sounds may have occurred more than once or twice raising the like of you).
by the way... in reading through the comments, the one thing no one's mentioned was your wonderful oral presentation of this alarming/alaruming tale. am i the only one unaware of your gift for accents? i mean, really... he writes! he sings! he does accents! (but can he dance?)
HITCH-HIKER, n. If my mother found out, see DEAD BODY. And my mother knew everything. Said so herself. Of course, growing up in the Boston area, there were dead hitchhiker stories on the radio and TV nearly every day. So Mom's job wasn't all that hard.
Doug, that was a part of Australia I never found out much about. Of course I was in Melbourne. And the Brits had wiped out the Victorian first peoples decades before. And I was on the academic staff of a university. Ah, the tame life of the professional marine biologist.
Did you know going in that the "reservation" story would be precisely the one that would save your bacon with these dudes? If so, with apologies to Pascovers Senior, I'd scrap DF. Idiot savant, maybe ...
Hi g, hi Actonbell and Hi Daddy! I felt it was about time that sense entered the family :) We need a full-time babysitter for Doug alone! :) But now that I have seen his picture, I am less worried. He looks like he can take a few blows!
oh G I'm so glad you mention the Coen brothers! how well they fit here. they don't always kill their fools, actually, the fooler one is, the more chance they have to stay alive in a Coen movie.
Terry it is different for women. Another (briefer) hitch-hiking story is this: One of my principles was to flag and women alone on so they would know I didn't expect a ride from them. On a rainy day in Indiana, one pulled over anyway and told me she never picked up hitch-hikers and her husband would kill her but when I flagged her on she figured me for a gentleman. Of course, from there until my destination she kept pleading with me not to disappoint her. It was a long trip.
G, secretive kids are easy to raise. Mom didn't know how bad I was until I was good.
Well, thank you, Puppybrose. -100 for stupidity +5 for style. I'll still make that deal every time.
O Ceallaigh, it was just a guess but idiot savant maybe the kindest name I'll hear today so thanks.
Minka, for some reasons my babysitters kept quitting/disappearing.
Ariel, nothing could make me prouder than to inspire a fool in a Coen Bros. movie.
It was always stupid, Cooper, but it was safer when more people did it. Anyone still doing it is a serial killer or 5 minutes from being the victim of one.
Oh what the hey. Sar injected me with the shameless self-promotion bug awhile ago. So I'll tell you my own hitchhiking story. It's a little different from Doug's ...
What about the Princess of Lechery? Does she have a spot in your bio?
I have no hitchhiking stories unless you count the time we were coming back from the Shuswap and we pulled over because of something and this hitchhiker came ambling up to the car. "We have company," I said. My friend squealed then slammed on the gas and sprayed the hiker with gravel.
Hi Doug. Isn't it amazing how fast a youthful adventure can become a near disaster?
You've been soundly berated by all your blogging buddies, (and I'm sure its a sign of their undying devotion) so I won't say anything. Besides, I have a few youthful adventures/near disasters in my own past so it wouldn't exactly be fair. :-)
I'm just so very, very glad that you managed to walk away!
I LOVE that Mom and Dad are getting in on the reaction to this harrowing tale. Your mama stole my comment. I was going to refer you to yesterday's word, but she beat me to it.
Oooh! That is one spunky daddy fo sho, FO SHO! I must have taken after his language skills I tell you! And hey, how come he gets to swear and I just get the naughty label without actually exercising my rights to naughtiness? Hmph! I will tell dad on you!
Hitch-hiker~ a brother's death wish, perhaps spurred on by naggin bohemian sisters and penguin kin but ha! We win cause here you are and here are we!
No idiots here although if being a philanthropist requires a penis, excess weight and no hair then phew! Glad to be a bohemian! Yeah, trying to catch up! It has been a tough week, TOUGH and why did you not miss me I ask?
so, in my haste to A) chide you for your careless choice of company, B) compliment you for your fine story/voice, C) compound the criticisms offered here by everyone else for your foolhardy decision to hitchhike in the first place, i D) failed to commend you on your story's title. Spree? good one.
O Ceallaigh, a heart-warmig story from a cynical man. Everyone should read that.
Jenna, I thought you looked familiar.
Aral, I'd love to tell you I'm too smart now. Mostly I just got a car.
Laura, it's great to hear from you.
Jamie Dawn, more than a year ago when I started doing this I thought of this story. I think I stayed wise for a year and then recorded it anyway. The blank page is the Devil's playground. So's the open road.
Hermana, did I leave out the genital requirement again?
No confusion, Lammy, most of my friends have been people on the fringe. Good insight, young lady.
Thanks, Puppybrose. That's four bases and I'm home.
Weirsdo, I presume, that's why I didn't bring a camera. If I'd known I'd be a blogger one day it may have been different.
Cooper, I spent half a year down there and thought of Mad Max about daily.
"The blank page is the Devil's Playground. So's the open road."
Geez that good.
Blogger ate my comment when I posted a week ago, so let me repeat: I'm not sure which is the stranger The chutzpah you had to be hitchhiking such and not have a stroke, or the very good chance that my 20-year-old self would have had a crush on you and your life-threatening antics.
To hear the story, follow the flock.
47 comments:
What do ye know?!
I was just wondering if your mom knows all these stories. If she reads them here for the first time you are not only a contagious fool, you are initiating heart attachs all over!
You little dare-devil, you!
So, who is the story about? A blogger that I don't know? Someone named Pete?
I hope to heaven that this is another tall tale. Jeez Louise boy. Please, please, say it ain't so. I know that you used to be an idiot that hitched rides and all, but ...
I am shocked, too. I can picture the horror of the mothers of the Australian aborigine car-thieves when they learnt who their sons picked up. if they ever dared tell it to their mothers at all...
lovely spin Ariel. Loved it!
That black haired Dane will never be the same after this ride!
Minka, first, I see. I actually wonder myself if I ever told Mom about this. I'll find out in the next two hours I bet.
TLP, maturity, prosperity and portliness have intervened. No more in this lifetime, I wouldn't think.
HAHAHA, Ariel! I bet they have the sense not to blog about it.
Minka, the "Dane" and the guy on my left actually seemed very friendly even though they never spoke and kept me from escaping.
Perfect definition, as I don't know who's the greater fool. You for you taking the ride, or them for having having a duffle bag stuffed with pot yet deciding it would be profitable to hit you up for cash.
And dammit I knew I forgot something when we had b'fst. I forgot to bring your I HEART DANGER t-shirt. Hmph!
whoa...and i thought i was bad picking up the occasional hitchhiker (in my youth). i'm guessing you at least remembered your towel...
Arthur: "All my life I've had this strange feeling that there's something big and sinister going on in the world."
Slartibartfast: "No, that's perfectly normal paranoia. Everyone in the universe gets that."
~ The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Oh, Ariel! I wish I'd thought of that! And it's true!
So, Douglas, this really happened! YOU IDIOT! Never sit between two guys in the back seat. Everybody knows that. Girls? Am I right?
That's why I hitchhike over here each day, you contagious fool! (now where is that yellow stikcey? well done, nicely written - ah you know!)
Look at that - hi Minka! TLP - wisdom well dispensed - NEVER! And here you are to blog about it, lucky you. That is a true example of "roughing it".
Actually, the word for the day is "dumb f***" and tochtor Minka, I am glad I adopted someone with sense to depend on in my old age, Itis good to see you at the head of the line.
Wow. You can change a tire. I'm so impressed. I had hot flashes and all! Oh wait...that's my sunburn. Hunh.
I soooo love your Dad. Will he runaway with me? Cuz anyone who calls their son a DF is my hero. *swoon*
By the way, I'm thinking this might make a good treatment for a Coen Brothers flick. Of course you might have to be killed off - all in the name of art.
Mr. P: Good for you for knocking him down a peg.
PLOTZ! Look it up, son!
And how interesting that this Saturday rendition wasn't the defining story you used for yesterday's word. My son, the IDIOT!
This confession ranks up there with other later ones of your youth...Like Deep Springs' Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds visions and 24 hour climbs up Peruvian mountains alone without food....Well, I guess we both did something right. You're still around.
well, everybody else has pretty much labeled you a dumbs*** so I don't have to. When you asked for the tire iron, I was getting ready for some Jackie Chan action ... you know, you knock them all out, grab the dope and grow up to become Australia's No. 1 Narcotics Kingpin. It's this kind of story that brings new meaning to adolescent highjinks. Thank God, now you're old and staid. xoxo
Doug,
wow,
you got both your parents AND TLP to yell at you on the same day,
you REBEL.
Sar, don't worry about the t-shirt. It was implied in the eating.
No towel, either, Puppybrose. And I'd read the first three books, too. A slow learner, me.
TLP, I'm reformed. Still kind of dumb, but reformed.
G, I'm living prrof that God watches over fools, children and (see my father's comment)
Pop, if that event had gone the way it should have I might have had to start listening.
Jenna, I think having a daughter your age by the same name might get in the way. At least, I'd hope so.
Sure, Actonbell, dumb luck and contagious foolishness,
G, anything in the name of art.
Mama, I think I can infer without the dictionary. PLOTZ, n. The son of sages.
Mireille, were you around for my previous story about Australia? It was maybe last August and I nearly became just that in the eyes of a drunken smuggler.
Logo, it's been a good day. Everybody feel better?
Remember, kiddies, don't hitch hike!
Oh, and Dad? You want me to tell some of your dragracing stories next? I remember quite a few.
is it just me? or does it feel like we may all get to witness a unique--albeit highly entertaining episode of Family Feud ala Pascovers?
g is right... this tale has Cohen Brothers written all over it (it's in small type, that's why you didn't notice it before). also...
Dumb F**k: a wise man's name for a hitchhiking fool.
(i really did love this story, by the way... and i'm especially grateful the outcome was one which resulted in your ability to tell it!)
Okay, okay. I'm over the vapors now. I reminded myself that you used to be a half-bubble-off-plumb, and you are now well balanced, so all is well. *sigh*
Plotz,v., Dead faint brought on by formerly ne'er-do-well son.
word verifier:
hmduwlnw: Him do well now.
Doug love the story and would like to be added to the list of those wanting to be adopted by your Mom & Dad. Amazing the things we do in life that, upon later review through the eyes of greater wisdom gained through experiencing things like this, are simply mind boggling.
Sigh. Look at you throwing a wrench in my plans, Douglas. What am I do now? I will pine away instead. Yep. I'd ask to be adopted but then you can't be my lecherous "uncle" and we know my stand on lechers. Huzzah!
Do you know what this story needed even though I loved it? A Princess!
Puppybrose, this what we're like in the good times.
Thanks, TLP, I guessed wrong that she was following up on dad's. And you're right, I'm now an occasionally-do-well son.
Joel, thanks. With my parents as yours you can cuss a lot.
Jenna, hold on. You have a stand on lechers? Not a lot of princesses in my autobiography.
What a fun tale you have to tell. And it was related so calmly - ~sigh~ what a guy. The only two times I've hitchhiked, were two times too many. One was by a kidnapper van with no handles on the inside of the doors, and the other was a pervert in Hollyweird wearing no pants... !!! It's a different story for girls. I learned my lesson.
Doug - you may be thinking of putz (although yutz would be a little more PG). When your Mama read this story she plotz-ed (as it sounds may have occurred more than once or twice raising the like of you).
by the way... in reading through the comments, the one thing no one's mentioned was your wonderful oral presentation of this alarming/alaruming tale. am i the only one unaware of your gift for accents? i mean, really... he writes! he sings! he does accents! (but can he dance?)
HITCH-HIKER, n. If my mother found out, see DEAD BODY. And my mother knew everything. Said so herself. Of course, growing up in the Boston area, there were dead hitchhiker stories on the radio and TV nearly every day. So Mom's job wasn't all that hard.
Doug, that was a part of Australia I never found out much about. Of course I was in Melbourne. And the Brits had wiped out the Victorian first peoples decades before. And I was on the academic staff of a university. Ah, the tame life of the professional marine biologist.
Did you know going in that the "reservation" story would be precisely the one that would save your bacon with these dudes? If so, with apologies to Pascovers Senior, I'd scrap DF. Idiot savant, maybe ...
:)
Hi g, hi Actonbell and Hi Daddy! I felt it was about time that sense entered the family :) We need a full-time babysitter for Doug alone! :)
But now that I have seen his picture, I am less worried. He looks like he can take a few blows!
oh G I'm so glad you mention the Coen brothers! how well they fit here. they don't always kill their fools, actually, the fooler one is, the more chance they have to stay alive in a Coen movie.
I don't hitchhike but I hear it as quite the thing back in the day. Stupid, even back then.
To hitchhike in the land of indigenous / subverted Australians can be dangerous.
puppybrose: yup, he dances. Ballroom, with a specialty in Tango. xoxo
Terry it is different for women. Another (briefer) hitch-hiking story is this: One of my principles was to flag and women alone on so they would know I didn't expect a ride from them. On a rainy day in Indiana, one pulled over anyway and told me she never picked up hitch-hikers and her husband would kill her but when I flagged her on she figured me for a gentleman. Of course, from there until my destination she kept pleading with me not to disappoint her. It was a long trip.
G, secretive kids are easy to raise. Mom didn't know how bad I was until I was good.
Well, thank you, Puppybrose. -100 for stupidity +5 for style. I'll still make that deal every time.
O Ceallaigh, it was just a guess but idiot savant maybe the kindest name I'll hear today so thanks.
Minka, for some reasons my babysitters kept quitting/disappearing.
Ariel, nothing could make me prouder than to inspire a fool in a Coen Bros. movie.
It was always stupid, Cooper, but it was safer when more people did it. Anyone still doing it is a serial killer or 5 minutes from being the victim of one.
Mischievous, Mireille.
Oh what the hey. Sar injected me with the shameless self-promotion bug awhile ago. So I'll tell you my own hitchhiking story. It's a little different from Doug's ...
What about the Princess of Lechery? Does she have a spot in your bio?
I have no hitchhiking stories unless you count the time we were coming back from the Shuswap and we pulled over because of something and this hitchhiker came ambling up to the car. "We have company," I said. My friend squealed then slammed on the gas and sprayed the hiker with gravel.
Yikes, Doug. I'm really glad you don't hitch anymore!
Hi Doug. Isn't it amazing how fast a youthful adventure can become a near disaster?
You've been soundly berated by all your blogging buddies, (and I'm sure its a sign of their undying devotion) so I won't say anything. Besides, I have a few youthful adventures/near disasters in my own past so it wouldn't exactly be fair. :-)
I'm just so very, very glad that you managed to walk away!
I LOVE that Mom and Dad are getting in on the reaction to this harrowing tale.
Your mama stole my comment. I was going to refer you to yesterday's word, but she beat me to it.
Oooh! That is one spunky daddy fo sho, FO SHO! I must have taken after his language skills I tell you! And hey, how come he gets to swear and I just get the naughty label without actually exercising my rights to naughtiness? Hmph! I will tell dad on you!
Hitch-hiker~ a brother's death wish, perhaps spurred on by naggin bohemian sisters and penguin kin but ha! We win cause here you are and here are we!
No idiots here although if being a philanthropist requires a penis, excess weight and no hair then phew! Glad to be a bohemian! Yeah, trying to catch up! It has been a tough week, TOUGH and why did you not miss me I ask?
Anyway, glad you weren't shot and all!
I see the theme of your stories as well as your blog and probably your life: You confuse people on the "fringe" with people as "friends".
so, in my haste to A) chide you for your careless choice of company, B) compliment you for your fine story/voice, C) compound the criticisms offered here by everyone else for your foolhardy decision to hitchhike in the first place, i D) failed to commend you on your story's title. Spree? good one.
Own only what you can carry with you; know language, know countries, know people. Let your memory be your travel bag.
Can't help but think of Mad Max.
O Ceallaigh, a heart-warmig story from a cynical man. Everyone should read that.
Jenna, I thought you looked familiar.
Aral, I'd love to tell you I'm too smart now. Mostly I just got a car.
Laura, it's great to hear from you.
Jamie Dawn, more than a year ago when I started doing this I thought of this story. I think I stayed wise for a year and then recorded it anyway. The blank page is the Devil's playground. So's the open road.
Hermana, did I leave out the genital requirement again?
No confusion, Lammy, most of my friends have been people on the fringe. Good insight, young lady.
Thanks, Puppybrose. That's four bases and I'm home.
Weirsdo, I presume, that's why I didn't bring a camera. If I'd known I'd be a blogger one day it may have been different.
Cooper, I spent half a year down there and thought of Mad Max about daily.
"The blank page is the Devil's Playground. So's the open road."
Geez that good.
Blogger ate my comment when I posted a week ago, so let me repeat: I'm not sure which is the stranger
The chutzpah you had to be hitchhiking such and not have a stroke,
or the very good chance that my 20-year-old self would have had a crush on you and your life-threatening antics.
Bravo Doug's Mom and Dad! The drinks are on me.
No, no: Geez THAT'S good.
Haha, Mutha. If someone had a crush on me back then I might have taken better care of myself.
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