Friday, April 02, 2010

Lead

LEAD, n. A heavy blue-gray metal much used in giving stability to light lovers- particularly to those who love not wisely but other men's wives. Lead is also of great service as a counterpoise to an argument of such weight that it turns the scale of debate the wrong way. An interesting fact in the chemistry of international controversy is that at the point of contact of two patriotisms lead is deposited in great quantities- some say by precipitation, but that is to confuse cause and effect, for the precipitation with which one set of patriots withdraws from the contact is caused by the other set's superior deposit of lead.
Hail holy Lead! of human feuds the great
And universal arbiter; endowed
With penetration to pierce any cloud
Fogging the field of controversial hate,
And with a swift, inevitable, straight,
Searching precision find the avowed
But vital point. Thy judgement, when allowed
By the chirurgeon, settles the debate.
O useful metal- were it not for thee
We'd have each other by the ears alway:
We, like old Muhlenberg, "care not to stay."
And when the quick have run away like pullets
Jack Satan smelts the dead to make new bullets.
2010 Update: A medically active element, except that when added to pipes causes debauchery and when added to fuel causes folly. When applied directly to the fool or rogue, however, lead smartens and tidies things up nicely. A cheaper, more portable replacement for the stone tablet in normalizing social relations and carrying the harmony to the frontier.

A couple other notes: I found this site pretty awfully clever, and it sort of reminds me of Amoeba's Dude and Dude.

Also, a good Good Friday to all you worshippers.

22 comments:

Nessa said...

Lead: The basic ingredient for gold.

My brain is working like lead today. If I have to keep retyping transposed letters I may just give up and start drinking earlier than usual.

the dudes said...

"Hey, dude, y'know, those two are kinda gnarly."

"Whaddaya mean, gnarly, dude! They're swipin' our act!"

"Yeah right, dude. As if you can play guitar."

"I suppose you're going to tell me that Guitar Hero doesn't count."

"Not even to 4/4, dude."

"Four wha ..?"

"The defense rests, dude. Along with my ears. Look, willya just tell everybody that we're over here now. At least 'til Quilly kicks us off for killin' her stats."

tsduff said...

Yes, those pullets really are quick!

Lead: The color of my house after the steel, gun-metal blue oxidized.

Good Friday greetings.

karma said...

by the time i walked through your post, my feet turned to lead

undess: almost the full Monty

why do i always get such verifiers?

pia said...

Lead: pulls me down, down, down

Have a Good Friday and a wonderful Easter Doug

Nessa said...

Ok Dudes. April Fool's was yesterday. The page is down.

Thom said...

LEAD, n. Superman. Happy Good Friday :)

Karen said...

Hey Amoeba !!!

What's up, Dr. Dude? Obviously you survived the move to the PNW. I think I remember Q. complaining about the flight over.

How's that new job as Quilly's oceanographer husband?

Karen said...

Wait a minute, The Dudes, I forgot to say something. Pretend this comment is on the December 8, 2009 "Amoeba Has Left The Building" post. I figured Amoeba would be back because I read Doug's comment:

Amoeba, be well and stay in touch. Susan, that was funny and Cooper, that was true. I’m finding it plenty easy to let blogs come and go but seriously, stay in touch ...

TLP said...

Lead: The star of the show.

the dudes said...

"OK, dude, you want to try that again?"

"Try what again, dude?"

"Telling people where we are. And get the link right this time."

"Hey! I did the link just fine. I can't help it if Blogger insists on being Blogger. Just look what it's been doing to Cooper!"

"Uh huh. Dude, you don't want to be looking at Cooper. You want to be looking at what you're typing."

"After you, dude ..."

"And you might want to tell them ..."

"Not me, dude. I'm looking at what I'm typing now, like you just told me."

"... that OC is alive and well and mostly content to let Quilly's fingers do the talkin'. When he's not sitting on a certain dude of my acquaintance, so he doesn't get us all kicked out of the Pacific Northwest."

"You'd get a kick out of that, wouldn't you, dude?"

"No, dude. You would."

sauerkraut said...

Here I sit trying to think of something clever about lead paint - a hard enough task - and along come the dudes. I might come back later after I finish wiping the cola-snot that's all over the place. And I'm getting all sorts of dirty looks from the ladies of the house who appear to think I've totally lost my mind.

I haven't the heart, nor the courage, to tell them they are so very right.

TLP said...

*sigh* those Dudes. I didn't even realize that I had missed them so much.

actonbell said...

Wow, I had to bookmark the Dan and Dan site, and obviously, I don't know what I've been missing, elsewhere. You lead me to good things.

Logophile said...

Give me graphite poisoning any day

Karen said...

sauerkraut. you're cruel. i hope you're not on the kitchen table with a lap-top.

quilly said...

Dan and Dan I like, the Dudes ...

LEAD, n. ventilation poisoning.

Ariel the Thief said...

LOL Sauerkraut! Old ladies usually suppose the worst, and damn how often they are right. Just say them 'BOOOO!!!', they hate that. ;)

Karen said...

Ariel the (pretend) Thief:

I don't even think s'kraut is as OLD as some commenters have become. Maybe I'm wrong.

I can't be exactly sure until Ambrose blesses us his with judgement.

p.s. What is an LOL ???

Doug said...

Nessa, it was almost 9:30 am your time when you typed that. Plenty late for a first glass of rum.

Dudes, we'll find you. I'm an old fashioned guy who still believes a male partner deserves an identity of his own to hide behind.

Terry, I used to wear gun-blued spurs. Those were kind of cool.

Karma, I can only assume the word verifier knows its prey.

Thank you, Pia. I hope your Passover was not like other Passovers.

Nessa, you see what we have wrought?

Thom, you are the Man of Lead.

Karen, the world is a wiki, isn't it?

Cooper, I guess that one translates to "double comment?"

Karen, I think you quoted me correctly. Thank you for that.

TLP, in the big show, you bet.

That's the stuff, dudes.

Sauerkraut, best not to encourage them.

TLP, I know just what you mean.

Actonbell, I thought that site was really a treat. Fair's fair- you gave me I Can Haz Chezburger.

Logo, it's a much better high, isn't it?

Good point, Karen. I would pity the laptop.

Quilly you don't live with the Dans host.

Ariel, that's why I try to avoid the judgement of old ladies. They are much too often right.

Karen, I don't know how old Sauerkraut is. He has children so 20-80, I should think.

sauerkraut said...

Karen - one of my "ladies" is younger than Cooper; the other older. But combined, with me included, we might not be as old as you.

winky-winky.

(running for cover)

weirsdo said...

Lead now occasions more disputes than it settles, but tends to generate legal ones and settle illegal ones.