Wednesday, October 18, 2006

The Rest Is Gravy

Mark your calendars, y'all. This week my special guest is Actonbell. I am whole. Waking Ambrose is complete. Actonbell was asked to define Roast.

ROAST, v.t. 1. to cook by exposing to dry heat, as in an oven or before a fire, or by surrounding with hot embers, sand, or stones. For instance, you can roast marshmallows, chestnuts, and coffee beans. When roast is a noun, it's pot roast, rump roast, and pig roast, but when it's an adjective, it's more like roast beef, roast turkey, roast chicken, roast duck, and roast peppers.

Or, so I've heard. I don't cook at all, can barely operate the stove, but could, if I wanted to.

2. To honor (a person) at a roast: that is, to affectionately and humorously dredge up all kinds of stuff in said person's past life to reminisce about and poke fun at.

Doug's inaugural Waking Ambrose post in Feb 2005 garnered just 4 comments, and now look at his fanclub! The following comments prove that this here blog is actually a longitudinal roast. That's a slow roast, done over a long period of time. Can we reminisce about any of these comments, or make up new ones?

General Observations about Doug:

Jamie Dawn: You are a man of many talents.

Karma: Breaking myths and predictions and all the rules, is only proof of how very special you are. And there was never any doubt about that.

Kyahgirl: You must be one of those robust fellows Doug because, judging by your posting schedule, you're up before dawn every day. Wait a sec....maybe you're one of those men of reason who doesn't go to bed til then?

Quilldancer:Doug, did you know that you were the second person ever to comment on my blog?

Sar: Electioneer - The civic duty that transforms my favorite blog dog into a volunteering human.

TLP: You little pyro!

Alice: in Wonderland Or Not- See Doug evolved due to auspicious circumstances ...there is no intelligent design.

about Doug's singing:
dddragon: I think he sounds MIGHTY fine.

Weirsdo: I vote that your voice is less annoying than Willie Nelson's.

Tom and Icy: Us doggies just love it when humans sing and I bet Willie and Walena are in heaven at your house!
His definitions and stories:

Pia: How can anybody top you or Ambrose?

Monika, who loves to be the first commenter: Now that was great and funny and also kinda smart! Maybe your DNA holds more than just food-related genes!!!

Mireille:Warmth AND charisma!!

Miz Bohemia: Thank you for the fun and the pearls of wisdom and for having me as a guest and for your brilliant stories and most of all, thank you for you.

a4g: Oh, and let me take this opportunity to bow to your always trenchant (re)definitions. We-who-soak-up your daily compliments too infrequently mention that mixed feeling of admiration, envy and resentment that accompanies the double barreled morning onslaught of wit from Bierce + Pascover.There. That will have to last you a year. It's all the mushy praise my black heart can muster

G: I have a feeling that you have elevated many of our vocabularies in more areas than we might admit in such genteel company.

Ariel:I've always known you're an attention whore, Doug...

Fred: Slide shows, music, gay bars, exchange student, foreign country, romance....
I loved it!

Shayna: So, ummm... will ya come and read a story to my son? Great story teller you are, Doug! ;)

Good Times! So. Let's get this roast in the oven...

About Actonbell: Actonbell, aka Rahs Speedy Gonzalez Pez, is a runner, beer-lover and the poet laureate of warehouse rats. She also holds the stamina record for being singled out for begging to do a guest post here. She'll still beat me in a footrace, but this morning I win. For those of you still assembling your Pez family trees, Actonbell is the daughter of TLP, the younger sister of Dddragon, the older sister of AP3, and aunt to Goa'uld and Bookworm all of whom took pity on me long before Actonbell. Her husband is Ekim Roadrunner Pez who occasionally lurks and seems only to show up to beat the rest of us at puzzles. By the way, if I were being fair I'd admit that Actonbell has long claimed that she wanted to be home on her guest Wednesday so as to graciously co-host and this is her first Wednesday off. But when was fairness ever funny? Let's continue.

Actonbell keeps two main blogs. Paradise Alley contains cultural insight and information, primarily about books, independent movies and magic. If any three of you read as much combined as Actonbell does, I'm impressed. Six of me don't. By my estimate, Actonbell reads 48 times as many pages per pound of body weight as I do. It shows in both her critical insight and her eloquent writing. When Actonbell likes a book, it always goes immediately into my waiting list and ends up gathering dust on my shelf. Fortunately, she seems to favor books with pretty covers.

Her other blog, Tempest in a Teapot is where Actonbell gets downright nasty. Well, imperfectly elegant, but let's be supportive. When Actonbell writes about work, the pseudonyms she gives her coworkers are funny by themselves, the stories always well-told and the writing smooth enough to make you think you're listening. One observation about the distance runner: many of us who started blogging around the same time seem to be slowing down and either posting less often or commenting less while Actonbell seems to be getting more enthusiastic and writing better, fuller posts more often. For that, Kudos from a blogger in decline and a beggar in triumph.

As for the roast, this was her idea and I have to say, I've survived harsher treatment than she gave me. Let's see how the rest of you do.

Actonbell was partially fictionalized in this story. There remains one adjective used more often than any other to describe Actonbell and for that I turn to her sisters and ask Actonbell to join me at the roastee's table. Have at us, folks.

How to be a guest on this site: You don't have to be a reclusive blogebrity to be a guest here. Email me at dpascover at mac dot com. On a future Wednesday, I'll email you with a word to define and ask you to return a satirical definition and at least one graphic representing you and or your definition by the following Saturday. The rules are: No profanity, no novels and whatever I make up at the last minute.


The ZenFo Pro said...

Man, do I love a good roast. Doug, are you being served with the mint sauce or the cranberry relish?

Sorry. Couldn't resist.

Anonymous said...

That was a perfect Roast... I loved it!

I just love me some roast... and roasting the Dawg... yummy! :)

Anonymous said...

FABULOUS post... why, it's dang near inspirational! now that your Pez Pal collection is complete, what're you gonna do for an encore, Doug?

that said, i'm happy to see Actonbell's not letting you *roast* on your laurels.

TLP said...

Well, stick a fork in me and say I'm done! The most refined Actonbell is the Dawg's guest!

Doug is so much more than a little pyromanic. He's a big pyromanic.

Actonbell is just the sweetest, nicest girl, so how can I roast her? Oh, it's easy. She called this morning to say that the CAT knocked liquid into her keyboard and it's gone. Now, you just know that she was drunk and spilled her beer on the keyboard and is blaming my poor grandcat.

Anonymous said...

For a blogger to earn, sans politics or porn, such touching respect from a loyal following...

And a loving roast to boot!

Truly rare in this medium. Well done!

(I just threw up a little inside my mouth. Great day for you, Doug. Bad day for the English language. :-)

The Violent Vixen said...

All I can say is roast RUMP.

Eh, no good definition from me right now, sorry. ;)


Anonymous said...

It was tea. I spilled tea. Okay, it wasn't Serena's fault.

G said...

Actonbell - of course it was tea - it always is :)

Well, I am almost without speech because at first my brain was registering ariel when I am sure that I read actonbell. Either way - what a nice surprise (especially when I forgot it was Guest Wednesday)!

I'll take a hind leg to gnaw on until I come up with something roastish.

Anonymous said...

Doug, you are cool.

Unknown said...

Actonbell, that's a lot of hard work! Here's a toast to you. The roast suckling with the apple in his mouth will follow

Doug The Una said...

Zenfo, both and plenty of parsley.

Good thing, indeed, Brian. Fangs will become extinct and bunnies free.

Shayna, name your cut.

No encore, Puppybrose, now I enter my golden yearswith a foolish grin.

Big day, huh, TLP? You'll be back, oh yes you will.

A, nothing wrong with a couple choice puns. Maybe the encore should be porn and politics but which is which?

Solace, it's a new you. You're a fancy lady. Drop back by any time.

Actonbell, are you signing?

g, Ariel will make a good catch too one of these days. Hind leg? Ow!

Karma, and here's too you. By the way everyone, other big news today is: Karma posted! Top link on the right if you've forgotten.

mireille said...

Wow, A-belle ... good one. AND a rare roast. All pink inside. (short parenthetical comment: I ♥ Actonbell. She is a real person living a real life who still manages to have taste and intellect. How rare is that?) xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Doug The Una said...

Here's to you too, I meant. Actonbell's keyboard and my brain.

Anonymous said...

*blush* thank you, Mireille.
Doug, did you manage to color that teapot green? It wasn't green on my screeen.

Anonymous said...

Mmm...roast beef. With peppercorn gravy. And mashed potatoes. Ooh and s'mores for dessert for what are gooey marshmallows roasted over fire without chocolate and graham wafers? *wipes drool from chin*

Wow...I don't think I've ever seen Doug so excited over a Wednesday guest before. He's almost...dare I say...giddy?

It says burn in my verifier: which is pretty much happens to anything I roast.

Anonymous said...

'ere now, she made me choke on me gum and laughed! The cheeky beggar.

The amoeba said...

ROAST, n. What I'm gonna do if I don't get back to work pronto. Which is a drag, 'cause I'd much rather sit here and watch the fireworks.

Good show, actonbell. And be on guard, Doug. Your time is gonna come ...


Charlene Amsden said...

A quality roast should be carved and presented with style. Actionbell only serves the very best. Doug has been roasted to perfection -- time now for the rest of us to stick our forks in him.

Anonymous said...

haha, 'orrible 'arry. Is that really the horribly clever puppybrose?

Doug The Una said...

Mireille, rare enough. Did you mean to make fun of her? A little?

Actonbell, it came that way to me. Green as envy.

Jenna, it's kind of your job to make people drool, isn't it?

Kyahgirl? 'issat you?

O Ceallaigh, I'm looking forward to that. Come on back with your a-game.

Come on, Quilldancer. File your teeth and polish your fork.

Actonbell, check your comments. I think it's Kyah Doolittle.

Kyahgirl said...

geez, I love Wednesdays around this place. This was a great roast post by both of you!

A little bit of roast pooch with gravy on the side and a hot pot of tea sounds quite appealing.

I have to go think of something mean to say about you two...this is a challenge.

Anonymous said...

oops, you're right. I knew it was one of those cuties I met at Central Snark.

Anonymous said...


ha ha

Minka said...

Brilliant, both of you. And everybody read this long roast through in hopes of being mentioned. I WAS!!! What more does a girl need?

Actonbell, it was worth the wait and teh many many hints he threw in your direction. You would hold up well under torture! Not that roasting you is my kinda thing, or anything!

Doug, fanatastic write-up, we can tell you like this one;) Your second paragraph had me laughing hard!

The Village Idiot said...

I am going to have to let my ideas marinate, before I put this roast in the oven, other wise it will come out half-baked.

Very fun post today Doug and great comments

G said...

Jenna, I do detect giddiness. I can almost see him skipping which is never good press for a curmudgeon!

Anonymous said...

G...I bet he even went "Squeee!!"

This is terrible! TERRIBLE!!!

Anonymous said...

I loved it! :) When I think of Roast I think of the fist meal my MIL made for me and Erick. Erick told me before we ate we'd go out to eat after because it was that bad. I didn't believe him.... he was right it was that bad! :)

Ps. Doug I am not nearly as wholesome as you beleive me to be. (Just read your comment from yesterday.)

Anonymous said...

cj, one of the first things my mother did to my husband was on his birthday, before we were even married! She iced a cookie tin, put candles on it, and had him cut the cake. As he bore down on the cake harder and harder, we all erupted into laughter. that TLP.

Her recent roast was spectacular, though--pork roast in a peppercorn sauce. Maybe she'll post her recipe.

g and jenna: I'm giddy, too!

VI: I can hardly wait--you always have something good

Hi Minka, and thank you:) I used to arrive first on some Wednesdays, but it's been a long time--and I was handicapped this morning!

G said...

Actonbell, teapots as cute as you are supposed to be giddy!

Jenna, I know. I can almost see him clapping his hands together in front of his chest in that giddy way. Oh the humanity!

Jake said...

Great roast... now what's for dessert?

Sar said...

So let me get this straight. Actonbell finally agreed to be your guest on the condition that she could roast you. Well then bravo to you Actonbell on your cleverness and awesome guest roast - and I got a quote in it too, woohoo!

Man, if I knew that was the catch to scoring you as my guest, I'd have served myself up on a silver platter long ago, Actonbell. *sniff* I mean it's not like we didn't get along famously when I met you in person and we bonded over strappy sandals. *sniff sniff*

Yeah I really need to work on this roasting thing.

TLP said...

Hot dog. I do love me a good corn dog on a stick. Yum, yum.

Ariel once said Doug was an attention whore and let's face it: he sure is. What better way to get attention than to sponsor a roast of yourself?

Many of you have said that he is bright. Well yeah, bright as fire. Like he once set a toilet on fire. Puu-leeezzzee. How bright can you get? Oh, and he puts joints out on his palm. The boy's a genius.

Anonymous said...

G: Doug + Giddy = chaos

What has this world come to? All my illusions...shattered.

dddragon said...

ROAST? but I'm culinarily challenged!


Anonymous said...

Hi, Sar! I just LOVED those new sandals of yours--you always have such delightful and inspirational words. Um, notice how I sort of relied on OTHER people's words? heh.

3D, how do you get pasta sauce to stick to spaghetti? You did find out for me, didn't ya?

Jenna, Doug will be back soon, and perhaps he won't still be in the same mood...

Hi, Mom! I can't imagine how I managed to NOT set fire to anything today, lol.

Anonymous said...

Roast: close enough to the fire to burn one's ears (i'm guessing Doug's feeling it today!)

some day i'll share the story of how my friend and i set fire to my Mom's kitchen trying to fix popcorn. (heh. i can totally relate to your culinarily challenged ways, Actonbell--i'm no fan of the stove, either!)

and i PROMISE i'm not upset by the fact you didn't quote me in your very funny/brilliant/witty/entertaining post. trust me, i know my place around here...

*sniff* : P

Anonymous said...

Uh, lets go back a step. What do you mean by Waking Ambrose is complete?

And to roast Doug is too marinate and throw out all unessential parts of the marinade, while marinading if possible, and then throw back in two sticks of the most outwardly acerbic and inwardly sweet spices around

Great job Actonbell--your family tree has been written down for me twice and I still screw it up

Lila said...


and... about time!

Doug The Una said...

Kyahgirl, you just don't want to admit how easy it is, but you do want us to believe you raised your voice at a meeting. So let's just start with you're calling us dumb.

'Orrible- next guess is AP3. Schizophrenia is second nature to her.

Minka, I know you have some mean in you somewhere. No fair keeping it all to your blog.

Thanks, VI. Remember to use VInegar.

G, I can skip and scowl at the same time, so long as I don't chew gum.

Jenna, this is the profit from playing hard to get. You should try it some time.

CJ, I don't think you're as wholesome as you seem. That's why I'm fishing.

Actonbell, I buy the same pork roast in the peppercorn sauce in a sealed plastic pouch. I just don't go around saying I made it. Thanks for standing up for me with those two.

How do you kill flies, g?

Commando flambé, Jake. With baklava.

Sar, I guess the damsel in distress thing didn't work on Actonbell. Wonder why.

TLP, my sister Jenna made that point a year ago. What else ya got?

Right, Jenna. Like you had any. You forget I have one of your books.

Dddragon, I was kind of hoping for another r-word from you.

Actonbell, I was just in a lot of traffic. The rose has faded on my cheeks, I'm happy to report.

Pia, so which parts of me are you tossing? By complete I mean after this roast, the rest is gravy.

Pouty, not to worry, Actonbell brought you one of Serena's squeeky toys.

Aral, jump in there. Maybe you have an embarrassing childhood memory to share?

Kyahgirl said...

oh, you guessed right the first time Doug. I was teasing but I guess it went right past you seeing as how you're so dumb an' all!
And Actonbell, her excuse is that her brain is scrambled due to excess g-forces endured while driving the forklift too fast.

The amoeba said...

GRAVY, n. The sea-going fleet of the Confederate States of America.

But ... wait a minute ... everybody knows about the wide blue ocean. No wonder the Confederacy got roasted.

Almost as bad as this year's White Sox, Doug. But look on the bright side. You could be a Cubs fan, may they have joy in Lou "I'm the show around here" Piniella.


Kyahgirl said...

crap, I was supposed to be logged in as 'arry for that last comment. dumbness is communicable apparently!

Anonymous said...

Whoa, Doug, she doesn't need encouragement.

Anonymous said...

Ooops, I'm behind, as usual. Hehehe, kyah, it's enough to make dull the brain, fersure.

Doug The Una said...

Kyah, that's the stuff!

O Ceallaigh, I'll let my little brother, the Cubs contrarian know you wish him well. Going after the Sox was a good downpayment.

Actonbell, this is a roast and I want red meat.

G said...

Why with honey of course! Stick it right on their little wings.

TLP said...

Plagiarize, v. To take the thought and style of another writer whom one has never, never read.

The above was the first post on Doug's blog. He's been plagiarizing ever since. His reply to this will be some big ol' insult like, "Well, at least I admit it." That Doug.

Oh, yeah, Doug? Well, your dog wears cat boots.

Doug The Una said...

G, that's very cruel although I bet it makes them sweet.

Good prediction, TLP. I've been plagiarizing Ambrose Bierce since February 28, 2005. I have never, however, plagiarized A Prairie Home Companion, forwarded email, a joke site, a cartoon site, strange children, your children, some Pennsyltuckians on the radio, or a whitman's sampler. Then again, I never won a perfect post award either.

TLP said...

Oh, yeah? Well, I'm givin' you the Perfect Post-erior award. Don't thank me. You earned it. Fair and square. In fact, you're as square as they come.

Anonymous said...

*I'm just ducking, here.*
POSTerior award, TLP? You didn't send him the--snowball, did you?

TLP said...

WAIT just a damn minute! I would never stoop to Whitman's Samplers! I go for the good stuff.

TLP said...

Oh! Good idea Acton! Thanks!

Doug The Una said...

TLP, I was leaving you room to grow.

OK, y'all I have to leave for a bit. Be cruel to each other and to me.

Anonymous said...

When you get back, here's red meat:
explore that before dinner, if you dare:)

Sar said...

You know, my very first definition here a year and a half ago was:

Longevity - Picking your coffee mug up only to discover you had unknowingly already finished it.

Our curmudgeon host's?

Longevity - Greatness cut short.

Of course this was not my first comment here. No, my first few comments were cleverly disguised rants about Doug's site. You see, this was back in the day when Doug was so desperate for attention he littered Blog Explosion and his freakin blog popped up incessantly. I thought who on earth would want to read a blog with a boring black template, with just some surly definition followed by an another surly update. Then came the stories. Who on earth would want to spend time on their weekend listening to some dude drone on and reliving his glory I Heart Danger days. (Never mind the flaming toilet paper boats story was more than mildly entertaining, this is a roasting comment I tell you!) Then finally, FINALLY, he caught on as the template brightened, the stories became predominantly reader tributes, he started having guests, and he started Prattler to post...political rants!

So in tribute to the Doug roast and in celebration of Actonbell's monumental guest turn, I'm submitting another update...

Longevity: Greatness overdue.

Anonymous said...

BRAVO! *whistles* APPLAUSE!

So, he really littered blogexplosion, heh? That's funny

Anonymous said...

Sar: that was beautiful. long, but beautiful.

re: your "red meat" comment, Doug... i stumbled on THIS SITE a couple of weeks ago... care to rethink?

TLP: posterior was freakin' inspired. (just sayin'...)

tsduff said...

that mixed feeling of admiration, envy and resentment that accompanies the double barreled morning onslaught of wit from Bierce + Pascover

Couldn't have been better said Actonbell! This site is often intimdating, but I just flap along with the breeze, trying to keep up. Great post!

Anonymous said...

while everyone's thinking up rud.... er, um... witty things to roast Doug with... why not visit MIZ BOHEMIA?? scroll down to the bottom of her new post for a treat. i mean a *TREAT*. (what can i say? i'm in a linky mood today...)

veri = burppu. hmmmm. speaks VOLUMES about the hazards of eating red meat, don't you agree?

Logophile said...

Wow, the refined Actonbell finally makes her long-awaited and well-worth-the-wait appearance.

Sar said...

Actonbell & Poutybrose - thank you, thank you ladies!

*bows as gracefully as one wearing stilettos can without tipping over*

Anonymous said...

Well, you're oh-so-welcome, Sar:)

And Terri, me too! I'm here for the fantastic wind current.

Good evening, Logo, happy humpday!

Unknown said...

Thanks for the legup. I had actually forgotten how to post and what to do. I had even forgotten my password ... but a latte later, it all came back.

Inspired by Actonbell and others to dive into the archives to search and research, I also found out your first ever post (on plagiarise) was all about me. It's been that way ever since, right? Say yes, Douglas, or you will be roasting in hell forever !

nukyrva: nuclear viagra

Anonymous said...

Doug, who knew you were such a good guy. I am so proud.

Logophile said...

Wow, it's been over a year that Doug has been enduring Ariella and I. What with the roast and all I went archive diving to see when we started harrassing you all over here, October 4th. We'd only been been blogging about two weeks, wow, what excellent taste!

Miz BoheMia said...

67 comments? Dios mio what a partay! Back to 4:30 am wake up calls which means I get to play un poquito!

Actonbell... that was totally FABULOUS! FO SHO!!! And ooooweeee! The bohemian was quoted! See hermano? I am a sweet sistah I tell you! HAH!

A runner? I sure miss running! I had to stop after I screwed my knee up and later got it back in shape with yoga... but still... running in San Francisco is a high and I may just need to ask you for pointers so that I may get back to it someday!

Bohemians loooovee roasting runners on early onset curmudgeons' sites (although hermano extraordinario is more like it but I won't tell!) SHHHH FO SHO!

Ack... can you tell I just woke up? More rambling than usual! Dios mio!

Charlene Amsden said...

I posted this once before but today seems like the time to share it again:

Tribute To A Dawg

A dawg named Doug met Ambrose Bierce
… within a book one day.
The words they jumped right off the page
… and caused the dawg to say,
"Oh, the wonder of these words,
… they surely must be mine!"
So the dawg named Doug created a blog
… which simply is divine.
A place where wisdom, wit and ridiculous
… all meet in one accord
To thrust and parry, swashbuckle and flash
… swift as a dueling sword.
People travel by 'net the world around
… to insult boast and mug;
And when you ask them why they say,
… "Ya gotta dig that dawg named, Doug!"

Miz BoheMia said...

I AM #69!!!!!


*Beavis and Butthead style laughing to be inserted here*

Miz BoheMia said...


Doug The Una said...

Long as it comes on a bone, Actonbell.

Sar, it's been a long road and you were the crookedest curve.

Poutybrose, I stand by my position.

Terry it's all you smart folk make this site intimidating. I just provide the wind.

Hey, Puppy! That's mi hermana!

Yay, indeed, Logo. Big stuff.

Karma, yes?

Pops, I'm still going to call you a sissy this weekend if you don't climb with enthusiasm.

Logo, I'm like a spider.

Miz B, you belong in the movies! It's a day of debuts.

Thanks, Quill. That made me smile the first time and still does.

Tranquila, hermana! Todo bien, todo bien.

Anonymous said...

Zenpro, the Dawg doesn't care how he is served as long as he is served.........right dawg?

Admit it.

Roasting is a process by which something slowly turns into something else - usually something better.

Doug is continually roasting, and as hard as I try - (not too hard actually, but let's pretend) - I am at loss to find too many means things to say about him.

Not in front of him at least. ;)

Ariel the Thief said...

Actonbell, obviously you know everything and more about roasting, I enjoyed your post a lot. my fave quote about Doug is from TLP "You've had wild true experiences and you're a wonderful liar.", I now have a new fave one, though, "Doug is so much more than a little pyromanic. He's a big pyromanic.". THAT TLP.

after all the things your friends and family told about you it's impossible not to like you before the first meeting already. and please don't care what they say about your alcoholism, I understand you!

Ariel the Thief said...

oh G, from week to week I keep forgeting that Wednesday is a guest day, and I am always the same surprised and cheered when realize. nice.

Doug The Una said...

Cooper, actually I don't care how I'm carved as long as I'm carved. Dig deep, woman.

Thank you, Ariel. It's nice to be understood. Are you going to finish that bottle?

Charlene Amsden said...

Sorry Ms. B. I'll be more careful next time ....

Ariel the Thief said...

I was talking about Actonbell, Doug, I didn't know you too have alcohol problems. of course I understand you, too. now this bottle is almost empty...

Minka said...

see, i didn´t get it that we were supposed to roast you!
Gosh...If it were still yesterday, you know I wouldn´t have been able to keep it in.
The ladies here thoughs eem to be well under way, and you get your daily dosage from me anyway...without asking :)

Doug The Una said...

Quill, not to fear. Mi hermana is #69 when she's the first one here.

Oh, Ariel. I was trying to take a bullet for you.

You make a good point, Minka. You're just a longitudinal roaster, by Actonbell's definition.