Thursday, December 15, 2005

A Curmudgeonly Christmas

T’was the night before Christmas and there at his blog
A misanthropist sat, just him and his dogs.
The houselights were dim with no sounds of labor
And a bucket of acid awaited the neighbor

The children nearby were locked up in their rooms,
To keep the old rascal from shouting their dooms.
And he sat by his keyboard putting out his seditions
Mocking all that was wholesome with new definitions.

Suddenly what in the sky did appear?
But a jolly old elf and eight flying reindeer.
The dogs caught the scent and ran outside barking
While the man inside shouted “A roof’s for hanging not parking!”

The intruder just laughed and took out a list.
“No whiskey, no laughter no women you’ve kissed,
No dancing nor prancing, no payments were late.
And your victims won’t read you ‘til they reach heaven’s gate”

“Your intent notwithstanding you’ve done little harm
And I brought you a present, here under my arm.”
But the sour homeowner stood up and protested,
“Reach into that bag and I’ll have you arrested!”

“I write for satire and mangle the words
And darkly imply that religion’s for turds!
I mock the well-meaning and demean them their stations
And make grammar complicit in great obfuscations!”

Gift is a noun that refers to the taking
of toys from the store shelves for children for breaking.
And while we’re on the topic one more thing I would say:
Jolly, the adjective, simply means 'Gay.'

“I’m pretentious, sarcastic and delphic in fact!
Self-righteous, self-centered and stingy with tact!”

But a present was left for the man with the glare,
Brightly colored with bows and a soft teddy-bear.
If ever it’s opened, here’s what is inside:
A Radio Flyer that's stable to ride.

Saint Nicholas shouted getting back in his sleigh
“Merry Christmas I bid you but have it your way!”

-Ambrose Bierce, appearing in a vision as The Ghost of Cynics Past.

43 comments:

actonbell said...

Oh, I love it! And you must be up to early, Doug!! Have a great day:)

Semisweet1 said...

'Twas hours before light
through the darkness would break,
with none but the bloggers
and drunkards awake,
who stumbled and bumbled
and mumbled and blustered
and longed for more beer
or a pastry with custard
to fuel the insatiable
fires of 'ME'
that burn on the internet
round about 3.

Sar said...

if at first you don't succeed, screw it, hit delete then procede

W aking Ambrose entertains with
O utstading
W it

D ude
O pines curmudgeonly at
U ngodly hours much to our
G lee

Sar said...

(Yeah, yeah, proceed. Whatever!)

Tan Lucy Pez said...

You, dear Doug, have the gift of making us jolly.

*In awe* of your many talents.

Doug said...

Thanks, Actonbell. I can't tell if your early comment means you got on the tradmill or not but I wish you a great day either way.

S, fantastic! I realize now that my self-mockery was incomplete. Thanks for completing me, weirdo.

Haha, Sar. Thanks.

Aw, thanks, TLP.

pia said...

I'm with TLP. Amazing. Positively amazing

And Sar's not bad ;-)

Logophile said...

It's a good feeling to know your alive, it's such a happy feeling, you're growing inside and when you wake up ready to say,
"I'll think I'll redefine words that we say"

Nice work there, neighbor. You made a poem!

Sar said...

Hey thanks Pia. Around here, I'll happily take not bad. ;)

And curse you Logo for giving me Mister Rogers earworm - while the house is kid free no less!

ariel said...

great ode, the best remakes are always the ones that put things in a completely new light. :)

mireille said...

awwww, sweety. Some Christmas you'll be sitting around the fire reading this to your little Doug Jr. and little Dougelle. ♥ xoxo

sugarcornpop said...

Where's the friggin' word?

karma said...

Georgie-Porgie pudding and pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry
When the boys came out to play,
Georgie-Porgie ran away

Oh, that not a Christmas carol either. but it reminded me of you :P

Jamie Dawn said...

LOVE it! And the comments aren't bad either.
I'm offering a word for today, being that you didn't post one, and Sugarcorncop is mighty upset about it:

Interaction: The stimulating result of blogging.

Tan Lucy Pez said...

I thought you gave us Gift, n., Talent that friend Doug has.

also

Jolly, adj., Something that Santa is, 'cause he knows where all the bad girls live.

Tan Lucy Pez said...

But, I guess we should do Jamie's word too. I'm always glad to share my ignorance - I've got plenty.

Interaction, n., Playing games with oneself, in one's head. See not so much action.

dddragon said...

Jolly: The Anti-Doug?
Interaction: Playing with Doug

CurDougeon: a talented person full of creative ideas who blogs alot with dogs.

Omnipotent Poobah said...

I keep wanting to read the other comments as verse. Thanks, because now I'll have this poem going incessantly through my head all day.

But that's not a bad thing.

My thanks to you and Ambrose. You make a great team.

Happy Non-Denominational, Agnostic, Atheist Celebratory for No Special Reason Although It is Jesus's Birthday Day (NAACNSRAIIJBD)

mireille said...

Um, the bad girls are at Doug's. Where there's always plenty of friggin' words. Oops. Did I say that? xoxo

Omnipotent Poobah said...

Oh, I forgot.

Happy Height-Challenged Tennis Elbow Sufferer's Day too.

LeesahEm. said...

it's good to know that i'm not the only one this year with very little regard for the holiday. it makes me feel warm and fuzzy to know others are feeling dead inside too :)

GABRIEL C. ZOLMAN said...

My ghost of Christmas future just keeps flipping me the bird.

I think I'll do some Christmas poetry of my own this week. Maybe it will draw back my leary readership...

)+(

Fred said...

This group is way too witty for me. I just liked it. Actually, loved it.

Alice: In Wonderland or Not said...

Awww ...not so jolly dawg you are my gift and I share only because I have no choice and I wasn't here first.

You might consider yourself one of the great re-gifts... as you are passed around quite a lot...the only difference is that people can keep you and still pass you on .

Anonymous said...

Señor Doug: excellent revamping of a classic. Except I don't really believe you are so curmudgeonly as
you claim to be. Although you come close....

Doug said...

Oops, that'll teach me to go to meetings.

Thanks, Pia and I agree, Sar's alright.

Haha, logophile. OK, watch this space for Waking Mr. Rogers. (I'm joking)

Sar, how's "above average?" :P

Mireille, sadly, my hair no longer reaches the bottom of the tower.

Sugarcornpop, it's gift.

Hahahahah, Karma. Moi?

Thank you, Jamie Dawn, for rescuing me from myself. The word of the day is Interaction, n. Jamie Dawn's Definition.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, TLP! Here I was afraid the sweet comments were all I'd hear from you today. Thanks for coming back.

Wow Dddragon. I'm loving this. I wander if we should have a do-it-yourself day? With a little luck I can quit writing alltogether and have the quality go up.

Merry Poobahlidays, Poobah.

Bad Maven, Mireille, bad maven!

And also to you, pastor Poobah.

Masil, forgive me for being a grammar geek, but I'm not sure a smiley goes at the end of that sentence.

Gabriel, I'll be right over. You always make me feel lighter, somehow.

Thanks, Fred.

Alice, you make me feel so cheap and easy. Thanks.

Is that my step-father? Gracias, Señor. I am so a curmudgeon!

Doug said...

Ooops, sorry Ariel. and Thanks. I feel pretty secure that this is a new light on the original.

karma said...

The truth is finally out: Santa is gay

aneohri: and 'e oh, rides

Minka said...

Had a very long day and all I can think of is: Jolly-Folly!
Seriously!

Nony Mitchell said...

Oh my...

Doug said...

Karma, Mrs. Clause kind of has a look in her eye, doesn't she?

Monika, get some sleep. I'm guessing you bounce back pretty quick.

Not sure how to respond, Spiritdancer but it's nice to see you again.

AP3 said...

Nicely done! I'm in awe!

Doug said...

AP3, goof, there's no awe between family. I'll take "that cheered me up a little" if you'll offer.

sugarcornpop said...

Georgie Porgie,
You are cheap and easy.

Ok, gift - the crap the dogs leave in the yard.

I just wanted to get in the last word.

Have a friggin Jolly Christmas!

Tan Lucy Pez said...

Ha! Sugarcornpop, you have to stay up later than 2:18 TLP time to get the last word.

Doug, I knew you were easy, but cheap too? Huh! Just raise your prices.

LeesahEm. said...

Well you just have to imagine it the way I did, a sick demented serial killer smiley moreso than a happy 70s icon smiley.

Miz BoheMia said...

I have been checking in but my brain has been way too fried!

With Jolly I keep thinking Good Golly Gosh... a la Goofy...

'Nough Said!

Doug... beautiful, awesome, talented, please-take-a-bow-now, type of post!

Indeterminacy said...

That was brilliant!

You will also be happy to know that the German word "Gift" means poison.

Doug said...

Sugarcornpop, Merry Christmas I bid you but have it your way.

TLP, you think I can get 30 cents?

Oh, Masil, in this case that is cute.

How 'bout a blush, Miz Bohemia, can I take a blush?

I'm delighted to know that, Indie, thanks!

weirsdo said...

Fun to see you in high Dougeon.
Great job.

weirsdo said...

I have notised that cheap girl's, like DAISY or SMART ALIC, are all ways the first to point the finger at other's, Mr. Dog, so don't wory.
I'm not saying any thing about you're poim cuz I don't really understand poetry, but I do think its beutifull anyhoo!!!!!!

Doug said...

Haha, Weirsdo. Thanks.

Thank you for understanding, Pansi, that's why you're my heavenly date.

Kyahgirl said...

*clap, clap, clap*

:-)