A Curmudgeonly Christmas

T’was the night before Christmas and there at his blog
A misanthropist sat, just him and his dogs.
The houselights were dim with no sounds of labor
And a bucket of acid awaited the neighbor

The children nearby were locked up in their rooms,
To keep the old rascal from shouting their dooms.
And he sat by his keyboard putting out his seditions
Mocking all that was wholesome with new definitions.

Suddenly what in the sky did appear?
But a jolly old elf and eight flying reindeer.
The dogs caught the scent and ran outside barking
While the man inside shouted “A roof’s for hanging not parking!”

The intruder just laughed and took out a list.
“No whiskey, no laughter no women you’ve kissed,
No dancing nor prancing, no payments were late.
And your victims won’t read you ‘til they reach heaven’s gate”

“Your intent notwithstanding you’ve done little harm
And I brought you a present, here under my arm.”
But the sour homeowner stood up and protested,
“Reach into that bag and I’ll have you arrested!”

“I write for satire and mangle the words
And darkly imply that religion’s for turds!
I mock the well-meaning and demean them their stations
And make grammar complicit in great obfuscations!”

“Gift is a noun that refers to the taking
of toys from the store shelves for children for breaking.
And while we’re on the topic one more thing I would say:
Jolly, the adjective, simply means 'Gay.'”

“I’m pretentious, sarcastic and delphic in fact!
Self-righteous, self-centered and stingy with tact!”

But a present was left for the man with the glare,
Brightly colored with bows and a soft teddy-bear.
If ever it’s opened, here’s what is inside:
A Radio Flyer that's stable to ride.

Saint Nicholas shouted getting back in his sleigh
“Merry Christmas I bid you but have it your way!”
-Ambrose Bierce, appearing in a vision as The Ghost of Cynics Past.