Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Special Guest Wednesday

As my guest this week, I'm delighted to introduce, The Amazing Sponge Girl. She defines for us:

Tabloid, [tæ’bloid]
1. excl. Comic book word indicating impact, eg. “Kablooey! Pow! Ta-BLOID!”.
2. p.n. Capital of Tabloidistan, nestled in the tender sloping hills between Hollywood and Monte Carlo. Chief exports include meat, mugshots and Brand Beckham. Tabloid is the trendy hub of printing rubbish, a popular national passtime. Tourist attractions include Baywatch stars in car crashes, Paris Hilton’s pets and Russel Crowe.

Visitors flock to the city by the thousands, particularly during Federline season, when the streets are nicely fugged* up and the townsfolk join together for an all-stompin’, all-cussin’ hoedown.

Tourists are, however, asked to note that there is a government travel warning on Tabloidistan. Visitors are strongly urged against wearing ugg boots and eating burritos in public – and anyone who converts to Kabbala is just asking for it. In case of acute Courtney Loveification it is advised to stay calm, send out the Sponge Beacon and distract the assailant with shiny things until help arrives.

About The Amazing Sponge Girl: Sponge Girl, or A. Spo as she's known in lexicographical circles, provides invasive, speculative and remorseless gossip about her own fictionalized life. With great wit and negligible esteem for her subject, her dish is tantalizing suggestive and yet almost entirely unsupported with documentation or named sources. Her most recent headline "Sponge Girl Not Naked" and the base insinuations that follow give a sense of what awaits once you know where to look for the latest.

While rejecting and often mocking the contemporary prevalence of celebrity obsession, this reporter admits he's hooked. The insight presented into the romance and career of the A.Spo tantalize with the certainty that there must be more and wouldn't we like to know. A source for this bio, speaking only Spanish-inflected Farsi with a little Danish to protect her anonymity, described A. Spo as "Completely fabulous. I'm almost sure of it." If you read the personality columns or are beset by those who do, The Amazing Sponge Girl is for you.

*A. Spo's press people have produced a substantial body of evidence that this word is not profane ("Paris Hilton uses it,") although I don't believe it is sacred either. Having met with her legal team, I have agreed to allow this single use of the verb "To Fug" and then banish it forever from these pages. What could I do? They were going to take Willie.

The reference below to my deleting this site is hyperbole, which you all should be used to from me! Good Grief y'all!

How to be a special guest: All it takes to be a special guest on Waking Ambrose is to inform me of your willingness to submit to my editorial tyranny, especially the no profanity/no novel-writing clause which was once so rigidly enforced and will be again once all of Miz Bohemia's friends have gone. By the way, as of this writing there are no more volunteers for next Wednesday so I plan to delete this site on that day.

Mooche, n. One who enjoys access to the orchestra pit but won't lower herself to the stage.


Tan Lucy Pez said...

Well, hi A. Spo! You sound like a fun time girl. I'm just guessing. I haven't been to your site yet.

But I'm on my way now.

I'm a Mooche myself.

Doug, you take down this site and you'll be sorry. You and your little dogs too.

dddragon said...

Tabloid: creature created when the consumption of the old diet cola "Tab" reached monstrous proportions.

Tan Lucy Pez said...

Oh, so sorry to have stepped on your entrance sweet daughter! Good definition.

Miz BoheMia said...

*bohemian is laughing... oh so much!*

*still laughing*

What a surprise to find a feature on the Amazing Sponger Girl! I had read the latest on her yesterday and now there is more written about this mysterious woman here! You are so in the know Doug!

By the by... WHO is this source? WHO? WHO I ask?

Sponge Girl said...

Lucy - I am a fun-time girl. Just don't tell my parents.

dddragon - oh phoeey, I knew I forgot one. See, this is why I tend to shy away from definitions.

MizB - I dunno, but I bet she has a sexy bum.

Doug - What's this about deletion? What? Nooooooo!

dddragon said...

delete? No Wednesday Guest?


Doug said...

TLP, can you imagine this site without guests? Me either.

Dddragon, I vote with Mama Tan, impressive definition after that game.

Miz Bohemia, a good journalist protects their source. A great one invents her.

Sponge Girl, you did your share. There's nothing left but to pray for a plague that softens the hearts of long-time readers.

Thank you, Dddragon. What were the final results from your poll?

weirsdo said...

Poor, poor, inocent Mr. Dog!!!! Can't tell the diffrence between fake celebraties and the REAL thing!!!!!!
I just prey this is not another distructive entanglemant, like with Smart Alic!!!!!

karma said...

very absorbing

- Kruella

hmsxob: humming without sex is a tampon

Miz BoheMia said...

I just read the part about "Miz BoheMia's friends"... What can I say? Obviously a lot!

No, no, no, no, no,no, NOOOOOO! You cannot close this blog down! Want a guest? I will get you a TON OF THEM!

Where will we go? What will we do?

*Bohemian wails as her heart explodes with sorrow*

Sar said...

Hi Sponge Girl! Nice to meet you. I enjoyed your guest post, and I have a feeling I will equally enjoy your site - I'll be by soon.

TLP - I bought a ticket and I'm on board with your guilt trip!

Minka said...

What? Are you friggin´ kidding me, Pascover? Closing the site? You really like living on the edge, don´t ye?

Calm yourself; Monika. Breathe...
I can only consider this a bad joke. You´d never do that to us. Do you know how much damage the combined forces of your most loyal readership can do?
You want me to make up a lovely headline any tabloid would be proud to print?
I didn´t think so...

Minka said...

Oh, Sponge Girl...didn´t mean to ignore you. Loved the post!
I am just so infuriated at the dog, but people tell me you are not allowed to kick them!

Doug said...

Oh, of course I was kidding y'all. Where would I get such fine friends if I had to meet them in person? Just trying to motivate shy people.

Pansi, you're my rock that I lean on.

Kruella, are you going to make me turn off the verifier?

Easy, Miz B, do some Pranyama. That was my corpse asana.

Monika, this is turning into a Doug Drones On story. OK, ok, bad joke, I'm not deleting.

Ariella said...

(Ariella and the AF collapse in a heap of dismay)

Doug said...

Good Grief! Sponge Girl, people. It's about Sponge Girl.

I'm not deleting anything, but I'll never try to be funny again.

Sar said...

(Monika, I'm armed and ready, just say the word!)

Jeesh, Doug, there are better ways to fish for kudos than threatening to shut down and chaotically spin the blogsphere on it's axis!

*pat, pat, pat, pat, pat* GOOD BOY!!!

Minka said...

Pheu...that was close. Almost booked a ticket to the sunny country and trying to figure ways of smuggeling dangerous weapons of punishment on board. But alas, all is well that ends well. *having the ´you better do that never ever again´-look on her face*

Tan Lucy Pez said...

LOL. Good Gawd, y'all. Don'tcha know when the boy is teasin'?

Anonymous said...

*snicker* that was wildly entertaining Sponge Girl. off to hide from miz b. now.

pia said...

I consider myself a friend of Miz Bohemia's and I'm not leaving.

This post reads as if you've been mooching off my unique, even to me, style
But it's more fun

Doug said...

Sar, I can't see anywhere on that shoe to hide a firearm. Bow & Arrow?

No, Monika, I've learned not to make jokes. I'll continue the site but starting tomorrow just copy the OED definition.

Thank you, TLP. I'm glad someone's paying attention. That Monika!

Thanks for dropping by, Jenna. Now run!!! That's one athletic Bohemian.

Pia, plagiarism is so easy here on the web. Is this a sit-in?

Minka said...

Now you are kidding, I can see it! You would never sink that low...besides the OED is far to heavey to lift with those two left paws you got there ;)

Anonymous said...

I know. She does yoga. I lift books and flip the pages as I sprawl on the couch and listen to Mmmichael Bublé.

Miz BoheMia said...

Hah! You can run but you cannot hide Jenna! Why are you running anyway? All I did was suggest you save the site and sign up to be a guest!

Sorry Doug, perhaps more word-lovin' peeps comin' your way! They are a quirky, zany bunch thought aren't they?

Pia, sweet Jewish writer lady with the Danish name... you consider yourself my friend! Yes! I have made it, am humbled, am honored and oh so happy! Seriously! *bohemian does a hippy happy jig*

See Jenna? No need to run! I won't bite!

Kay Richardson said...

Sponge girl's name is appropriate. I love her. Like I love sponges. And girls. And long walks.

Sar said...

Whether sent hurling through the air towards its intended target or crushing it with piercing twists, trust me Doug, the stiletto is itself a deadly weapon.

Jamie Dawn said...

Douglas!!: Your idle threat is indeed hitonious!
Please don't tease like that. That's like crying "FIRE!" in a crowded theater. Not a very cool thing to do.

I visited Sponge Girl and read two posts. She is so witty and smart!

Spongie: I already left a comment at your blog, but I will be sure not to become a Scientologist or get a boob job next time I visit Tabloid.

Jamie Dawn said...

Public challenge to TLP:

I will submit to Doug's merciless, editorial tryanny and open myself up to his unrelenting abuse if YOU will.
Agree to be a Guest and I will too.
How about it? Are you CHICKEN?????

(Doug: If TLP agrees, that means we will both be future guests. TLP really likes chocolate, so if she balks at this challenge, an offer of chocolate may change her mind.)

(P.S.: I like chocolate too!)

Doug said...

No, Monika, I'm serious. My attempt at humor caused unnecessary anxiety to several people, including you, and I feel terrible. From now on, it will be only OED definitions and my Saturday Stories will be replaced by selected readings about the writ of Habeas Corpus. I sincerely apologize to all of you whom I have harmed.

Michael Bubble, Jenna? And don't listen to Miz Bohemia, that's what every biter in the world says.

Lookit you, Kay! Mr Romance with a syringe. Where are you on Piña Coladas?

Gosh, I guess, Sar. I'm in pain just hearing about it. Crush with a twist? *brrrrr*

Isn't she great, J.D.? Bless you. TLP rejects chocolate, but I'll bribe you. I do need an email address to contact you with your word. Mine is in my profile.

I'm proud to say after today, the Wednesday Guest is back in business through February. You guys rock. I'll have to remember how useful bad behavior can be.

Tan Lucy Pez said...

LOL. Well, Jamie, if we do agree, we must go undercover with it. It's supposed to be a SURPRISE guest I think. Or not. I'm with Garbo. Or not.

WTF was the word for today? All this excitement has my head just atwirl.

Oh, yeah. Tabloid. Was Tab Lloyd an actor in the 50's? So many men, so few brain cells left.

karma said...

*tsk tsk* so much drama. contain yourself, Mooching Man

why do you flash us those dirty word verifiers?

Logophile said...

Ariella and I did not actually collapse in a heap.
Being native speakers of sarcasm and irony we were merely answering in kind.
No dogs were harmed in the making of this post, or the last one.

Joke on, dude, we are ready with the net.

Jamie Dawn said...

I'm sending an email off to you, Doug, right away.

I hope TLP takes the plunge!!!! Undercover, of course.

When you give me my word to define, please remember that I am a simple woman.
You sometimes toss words about in your definitions that I have to scramble to in order to understand.
For example, words like yellow, dizzy, and headache are quite acceptable, while words such as haemic, salpinx, and fauteuil are not. Go easy on me, please.

Janet said...

Ugh. I fear I may not be smart enough for this blog.:(

actonbell said...

Hi, Sponge Girl! Hi! Your blog sounds really interesting, and I'll definitely make my way there. I like mooching off other people's talents. (I'd read all these talented people all day, if I didn't have to work.)

So, I'm off to read YOUR drama. I'll be back here later, to see the exciting conclusion of Jamie and TLP.

Great write-up & definition, Doug. They're always good, and I almost take your talent for granted while I'm mooching entertainment here.

Tan Lucy Pez said...

I'm proud, ah say PROUD, of this CROWD for talkin' about Tabloids and not usin' words like lurid, or vulgar, or sensational, or sleazey, or parasitic. I didn't use those words either. I just mentioned them. Doesn't count. Not the same thing at all.

I'm going to watch the Rose Bowl. Y'all be good and stuff.

mireille said...

"Spanish-inflected Farsi with a little Danish" *anonymous source, my a$$. I know who this is* And no more Waking Ambrose? It's because you're pregnant, isn't it? By an extraterrestrial. And there will be photos. And don't try suing me for libel because truth is my defense. Isn't it? xoxo

AP3 said...

How DO you get all these great guests, Doug?

tlm said...

I just loved the K-Fed reference in the definition. Well done, sponge!

Doug said...

TLP, as long as you have one for each, you can still outsmart us.

Karma, I'm still warming up.

Janet, I'm sure you're mistaken.

Bless you, J.D. I promise my kindness to you.

Actonbell, what will it take? Crocodiles?

Heckuva game, huh, TLP?

Mireille, my bat face boy will sue you! xoxo.

Aral, apparently by coercion.

Thanks, TLM

A Little Bar of Soap said...

New guest, same old FILTH.

Sponge Girl said...

sar - Thanks - hope to see you around (now that you know where I live! Bwahahaaaaaa!).

monika - I know, damn shame. But you can send dogs to space, so maybe you could try that next time the urge takes you.

jenna - I try to do most things wildly. Particularly entertaining. So thank you, much appreciated.

kay, we really must stop meeting like this. Sooner or later people are going to catch on and we won't have a moment's rest...

jamie - those are good precautions to take. I would also suggest you do all in your power not to be impregnated by Rod Stewart. And obviously, remember the sunscreen.

actonbell, I'll be waiting. And I might even take out the good china.

tlm, I'm glad someone appreciates the finer touches. By the way, is it just me or does K-Fed sound more like jet engine model or a discount airline?

soapie - and yet you can't resist it. Also, not many people know this, but Filth was my stage name back in my dadaistic days. You wouldn't happen to be Maximillian, the Belgian choreographer with a stutter, by any chance?

ariel said...

what's life without drama?

Doug said...

See, now, Soapy, if you think about it, I bet you and the sponge have a lot in common.

Sponge girl, well done today and thanks for being here. I bet I'd pretty impressed that you had a dadaistic phase if I knew what that meant.

Ariel, that's a perfect summary.

tlm said...

To me, K-Fed sounds like some medication you'd have to take to clear up a nasty case of gonorrhea. Which, oddly enough, fits in with the theme here (Britney and Kevin).