Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Two Fables

The Rattlesnake and The Sunday School Teacher

One day, a Sunday School Teacher was walking home from Church when she came upon a rattlesnake, sunning itself in the road. The teacher was not frightened, for she knew that beyond the fangs of the snake was the comfort and protection of paradise. "Get thee behind me, Serpent!" she dictated. "Thou shalt not tempt me for I know whom it is I serve!"

The snake slithered off, looking for his own peace and a portion of a quiet and the Sunday School teacher walked on proudly and blithely ignorant of the buzz emanating from her own pocket. Upon her arrival at home, she took out her cell phone, never reading the instant message which read "thou shalt? u r old! lol."

Moral: Blessed are the scholars, for they shall be undisturbed.

The Armadillo and The Butterfly

Once upon a time, a chrysalis opened on the branch of a sagebrush by a highway near Las Cruces, New Mexico. The young butterfly blinked its beady little eyes at the sunlight and stretched out its beautiful wings.

"Do you mind? You're blocking my sun!" said an armadillo under the bush.

The butterfly put its wings together to free the sunlight and asked the armadillo, "Old dog, I have just left my cocoon and know little of the world and it's ways. What is the secret of your longevity?"

The armadillo answered "Only use doors that open both ways," as he rolled himself into his armor.

Moral: The Rio Grande Valley is a good place to come from.

Malthus, Thomas Robert 1766-1834; A British economist who predicted tribulation and upheaval from the stress of a population that grows faster than the pace of progress. Malthus is thought by modern economists to have erred in his calculations by not recognizing progress as the greater strain.


Minka said...

You are late!

which made me first.

You did well!

The Old Mule said...

2 kewl strys - cu gr8 pst d

Minka said...

Where would a rattlesnake keep its cellphone? Is it a third stone from the left, behind the tree where I shedded my skin last year- kinda thing?

Oh and since I don´t get your armadillo "Only use doors that open both ways" implication...I´ll pretend the armadillo said:
"Don´t worry about it, you could have been a fly!"

Anonymous said...

hahaha... well worth the wait, Doug. or Dawg. or Dg. (can't bring myself to say "lol"... you know i don't use that kind of language in mixed company)

too bad no one bothered to read the footnote on Malthus' "progress report", which said: "I'm kidding. I kid".

Anonymous said...

Are you accusing Quilly of not answering her cell phone?

And that must have been one huge butterfly ...

Is the Rio Grande valley where you got your dry humor?

Nice work, dawg. But I would have expected you to figure out a way to keep the armadillos from using the doggie door. ;)

Jamie Dawn said...

I was thinking the same thing as amoeba.
Just HOW BIG WAS that butterfly? That's some wingspan!
Or maybe the armadillo was very tiny which explains why he was so grouchy towards a newborn.

That Sunday School teacher has no faith. She should have picked up that dangerous serpant instead of yelling at it. Anyone's capable of talking to a dang snake. It's those who pick them up who should be awed.
For the record, I shall never be awed.

Dug Ur Loco

Sar said...

Okay, I totally LOL'd at the armadillo's secret to longevity.

But I wonder, do revolving doors count?

(and a funny aside, my FIL always says that my MIL is the only person who could get lost in a revolving door - you see she is rather, um, directionally challenged.)

Ariel the Thief said...

what did I think to come here without my dictionaries? DOOT!

Doug The Una said...

Thanks, Minka. I'll try to catch cold and stay up late more often, if it helps.

Mule, tx

Minka, I wish you'd been around when I was writing this.

Puppy, Malthus in my mind is the Zeus of curmudgeons. I'd like to have met Ambrose Bierce, but I tremble at the thought of meeting Malthus. All my virtue can be explained by my desire to go to heaven and avoid his audience.

Amoeba, I'm a dictionary maker, not an engineer. I'm not from the Rio Grande Valley but my sense of humor did kind of dry out last week when I was there.

Jamie Dawn, IM. OK, let's say the shadow fell right over the armadillos eyes and he's one of the dumb ones. Today is a day I'd invent a slow-witted armadillo.

Sar, that is funny. (Sure hope no one knows I get lost in them too.)

Ariel, I need an IM dictionary. DOOT?

Anonymous said...

Doug, you've got Snakes on the Brain.

G said...

I'm doomed. I'm sitting here thinking and sure enough - virtually ALL of the doors I use open one way.

Your stories were fine last ones to read. On the butterfly - I just thought that armadillo was particularly cranky that he would be bothered by a baby butterfly's wings. I mean would be a stretch for you to write about curmudgeon creatures? ROTFL (I just cringed).

Kyahgirl said...

I don't get it but that's ok. I'm apparently impervious to morals.

don't you think a butterfly would get squished no matter what way the door swung? how can a snake send a text message? would an armadillo get annoyed at being called an 'old dog'? these questions haunt me.

Anonymous said...

I would never tell a snake to get behind me. I would keep him within my sight until I was out of his. And I'll have you know I always check my cell phone messages, and I always answer them -- if I want to.

Doug The Una said...

Al, all posible Samuel L Jackson puns are welcome. Good one, by the way, but bad ones are ok.

G, all curmudgeons great and small.

Kyah, I've been scared to read what got thrown together this morning. The problem probably isn't yours.

Quilly, you think you're the only Sunday School teacher in the world? Maybe this was a different one? Theoretically, she might even not be blond.

TLP said...

I M nuz cuz i thought mayB God IMed SS teach. u r a scholor but u r very disturbed. Just sayin'.

Don't let the swinging doors hit you in the @$$.

Jamie Dawn said...

Dug rits gud

C ya 2morow:)

The Old Mule said...

Old Malthus. Food prices relative to wage increases where not as he suspected; neither was technology nor the wiliness of the common dude. Sweet hindsight.


Don't do math without a slide rule.

Anonymous said...

Theoretically, Doug, I'm not blonde, either. You however, must be. My comments were a disclaimer -- since I would not do those things, that Sunday School teacher couldn't have possibly been me. Maybe you should take some cold medicine and have a nap.

Anonymous said...


Wonderful way to suffer a Wednesday.

robkroese said...

Doug, we must be in sync today. I posted about a corrupting serpent as well.

Doug The Una said...

TLP, I know every trick of the swinging door.


Mule, that's a great moral although it was the slide rule is what got him in trouble. If only he'd met fibonacci and a farmer.

Quilly, will you be less patronizing when I awake?

Indeed, Cooper.

Diesel, I'm pretty sure I am out of sync. Maybe that's put us in harmony?

Anonymous said...


Doug The Una said...

Quilly, I figured.

Doug The Una said...

Quilly, I figured.

Minka said...

you sure you figured?