Friday, May 25, 2007


GOLD, n. A yellow metal greatly prized for its convenience in the various kinds of robbery known as trade. The word was formerly spelled "God"- the l was inserted to distinguish it from the name of another and inferior deity. Gold is the heaviest of all the metals except platinum, and a considerable amount of it will sink a man so much more quickly and deeply than platinum will that the latter is made into lifebelts and used as a lifting power for balloons. British gold, an imaginary metal greatly used in the manufacture of American traitors to the patriotic axiom that two and two are five.

2007 Update: A precious metal valued for its beauty, ductility and ease of gilding.


Unknown said...

yabbadabba daaaaaaaaaa

numero uno

Unknown said...

go-go-go gold

gdgsnk: golden goose sinking

Mutha said...

Karma beat me by a hair!
Why is a wedding band traditionally made of gold? I'll be back...

Anonymous said...

gold -- you mean it isn't a myth?

Mutha said...

I'm back with a little info -- and I love it:

Wedding rings were made of all sorts of things -- hemp, stones, twine, silver -- but it was the Irish who put forward the idea that if a wedding ring was not gold, then it was bad luck. (Also, rings were seen as a pagaen ritual and were shunned by lots of faiths for quite a while.)

Gold: For those who could use all the help they can get.

Sar said...

Since Mutha brought up gold wedding rings, here's one for you...

I was at my fav coffee shop recently and a few of the baristas were trying to guess my age (don't ask). The teen suggested she knew for a fact I was over 30 because my wedding ring was gold and anyone younger would have gone platinum. Ouch!

Anonymous said...

Gold: Status awarded by credit card companies to big spenders, the main benefits of which are higher annual fees and a list of obscure "perks" you're sure to ignore. (see also the "selling of swampland in Florida" or "the purchase of the London Bridge.")

Anonymous said...

Gold: fashion must for lamé brains.

The Boy from S.A.C.A.D.A. said...

I got some reel fools gold. you can have it if you want.

Elbot said...

But what did Mr. Bierce mean by that? Two and Two are Five!

Anonymous said...

gold: something I have never personally liked. Silver tells a story

The Old Mule said...

gold: a lusty mirage of alchemy

Anonymous said...

Gold: Ballast for a rising heart.

(Great update today, Doug.)

mireille said...

For the alchemy-minded among us, it's just the endproduct of some serious work with lead. See transmutation. xoxo

Anonymous said...

I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh. ~Jack Handey

maybe it's just me, but Jack Handey is comedy gold.

Ariel the Thief said...

LOL @Sar! I had no idea there's a difference like that.

gold, another thing I cannot eat. to anyone reads this and is planning to engage me, bring me chocolate!

TLP said...

Gold: not all that glitters.

Minka said...

Glass glitters more than diamonds, because it has something to prove. I think the same goes for gold in regards to light.

a teacher of mine used to ask us every term: "What are the three rings of a relationship?"

1. engagement ring
2. wedding ring
3. suffering

He seemed bitter. You know him?


Logophile said...

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
Jack Handey

Yup, Im with puppybrose on this one, comedic gold, baby!

G said...

Haha Minka. And Sar, I'm older than you and I'm not wearing gold, but I'm partial to white gold, silver and of course, platinum is always good. That little whipper snapper!

Okay, now that you all know my gift preferences.

"Keep me searching for a heart of gold and I'm getting old".

Anonymous said...

GOLD, n.

1. The subject of every Knox Knox joke.

2. A gross estimator of net worth.

3. One of two colors that are unknown to this lexicographer, the other one being green.

You'd better be careful with poker,
On a green-colored table or ochre;
     Be ready to fold
     Or you'll lose all your gold,
And get known as a fool and a joker.

     - Goldbrick of Galway

Jamie Dawn said...

Ductility?? Clearly, I need more education.

I think gold jewelry is very pretty, but I prefer my gold in bars.

Years ago when my kids were little, my mom and I were talking about their babysitter who was quite hefty.
I said, "Carla is such a great babysitter."
Mom said, "She's worth her weight in gold!"
We chuckled about that, but the statement was indeed true.... EVERY pound of it!

The Old Mule said...

ariel, is that all it would take?

Doug The Una said...

Karma, the gold medal is yours.

Mutha, excellent research. You wanna explain why a place people left to find potatoes has such fancy standards?

Quilly, I don't know. High school locker room was long ago and I've forgotten whatever I learned.

Sar, and I know they must be under 30 to be that reckless.

Man, Joel, that is so true. My card is just teeming with magnificent benefits, I'm told, but the only one I can rememember is it works to buy stuff. That's kinda cool, though.

Neva, you are the Queen of Puns.

Boy, how did you know that's my favorite?

Elbot, you've been hanging around with the linguists again, haven't you?

Pia, and charcoal keeps a secret.

Mule, the philosopher stoned?

Great definition, Al.

Mireille, perfumed lead?

Neva, I know you're a fan. I always thought he was made up. Does he go on tour?

Ariel, that's the first personals ad we've had here in a while. Do you like piña coladas?

TLP, but most, right?

Minka, I don't know him but if he gets to LA, give him my number. I know some old jokes, too. Get back here.

Funny, Logo. And fresh!

G, that's just a good song from a pretty fine album.

Amoeba, you're on a tear, lately. That Hawaiian air is doing you some good. Knox Knox joke! *snort*

Jamie Dawn, I found all the gold I've ever seen in bars. Usually just under the chair.

Mule, now you know. Too bad she said nothing about aromatic rice.

Tom & Icy said...

Ductility? Gilding? Oh my oh my!

Unknown said...


I found a post of yours on someone else's Web site - about a thwarted visit to Charmet's in Chicago with your mother. (I was Googling 'Charmet's.')

The sundae you recall was called The Eiffel Tower. It was impossible to finish.


Ariel the Thief said...

The Bookworm! :) thank you for the guide, Terry, I read the story and wanted to cry.

Old Mule, I am cheap to take but expensive to keep. ;)

Doug The Una said...

Icy, Fridays are for big words. Instead of "woof," I like "bowowow" to call in the weekend.

Terry, welcome and thank you for naming my El Dorado. If you were googling "Charmet's" is there a support group? I have to ask, was the Eiffel Tower nine-year-old-boy impossible to finish? That's a heck of a sundae.

Ariel, he has aromatic rice, though.

Anonymous said...

Something assigned great value by popular agreement, related or unrelated to its quality. See emperors who have no clothes.

Hobbes said...

Non bene pro toto libertas venditur auro.

Doug The Una said...

CA, and he's looking a little jaundiced.

OK, Hobbes, help me out: "It's not good when very liberty is sold for gold?""

Hobbes said...

"Freedom is not well [should not be] sold for all the gold in the world."
This is a motto on the walls of Dubrovnik.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Doug The Una said...

Hobbes, thank you!

Linda, you are kidding! Please get in touch if you don't mind. My email is dpascover at mac dot com. I'm dying to hear about that elusive dream, the Giant Beauty.