Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Another Curmudgeonly Christmas

Let the sleigh bells ring, children listen!
The snow may fall and ice may glisten
But unless you little scamps repent,
Santa doesn't owe you one red cent.

If Hygeia brought presents, your slovenly smell
Would drive her back up the chimney and into the well.
If Saint Peter were to judge you now by your acts,
He'd unharness the reindeer and strap you to the rack
And Erato, once hearing those lame songs you play
Would give your iPod to an old man and just drive away.

But it's Santa brings Christmas, and he who keeps score.
He can't doubt that you're criminals, each to the core.
Through cold winter storm, yet, should he ride
To bring some glad tidings to the rotten inside?
Lucky then, for you, on the night that he sleds,
Through the din of your whining, he can't count in his head.

BAD, adj. Under 20.

Ho, Ho, Ho!  Seasons Greetings to you and yours, misfits!


Anonymous said...


Bad: good. ; )

I Dive At Night said...

Does this grinch get a warmer heart by Christmas time or is it likely to stay frozen all winter?

Oh well, I agree that it's more fun to mangle Christmas poetry than just about any other kind.

Anonymous said...

Bad: impulsive and/or patient. (said the puppy who needs to get out the door in 290 minutes (and counting) whilst biting into a piece of overripe fruit...)

Anonymous said...

Santa? Santa? Come on. Step down from there.

Look. We're your friends. We know it's been a tough year. The children have been snottier than even Skinner thought possible, and no wonder, look at the example they have to follow in the White House.

And there was the Elven Strike. You can't even check a list that the scribes refuse to write once.

We know about these things, and how they can depress you. But that's no reason to immolate yourself on a suicide mission. Mrs. Claus wants you alive. We want you alive. The ice is melting and somebody's gotta lead the relocation of this Workshop.

So step down off-a that sleigh. Thaat's right. We'll take care of you. We love you ...

Jamie Dawn said...

Is grouchy Santa a little sick?
That by the toilet he must stick.

I'm under 20 so that makes me,
Non-hitonious, you see.

But I gave birth, not once but twice,
To Naughties who must pay the price.

For they are under 20 barely,
& don't deserve a gift from me
Nor one from thee
dropped down the chimney
Or "chimley" as my MIL says
Because they're BAD!

Kyahgirl said...

silly Santa, you keep forgetting to take your happy pills! :-)

Anonymous said...

Wow. That was so heart-warmingly endearing I don't know what to say.

Bad? Nah. I prefer the word naughty.

G said...

Bad: not quite wrotten but on its way.

Good to see you in such fine spirits :)

G said...

Looking at my definition in print, it seems I've spelled wrotten rong.

Ariel the Thief said...

One little scamp was coughing into my neck on the bus for half an hour. Unfortunately, I left my pistol at home today.

Anonymous said...

By the that Santa's pix was taken by the washroom.

Jamie Dawn said...

I just re-read my poem, and I made an error.
I hate to make errors.
I meant to say I'm OVER 20.
What a dork!
I am cleaning house today, so chances are I might pop back in for a third visit later.
I know this is not BAD news.

Doug The Una said...

Neva, I'm all about the smiles on little faces.

Morgan, I find the secret to maintaining a warm heart is plenty of insulation.

Neva, I hope you made it although it might not be that long yet.

Oceallaigh, is this an inrivention?

JD, Santa might be a little sick
But no more than your average hick.
And though you say your kids are bad,
No worse than you can blame on dad.

Kyah, that's why they don't call me Santa Cialis.

Jenn, naughty is nice for the over-20 set.

g, nothing tow orry about, I'm sure.

Ariel, feed the little monster to Saint Nick.

Jenn, that was the dressing room. I thought it was funny, too. Hence posting it every year.

Jamie Dawn, dorks are young, dwarves are runty, geeks clean Wednesday and preach on Sunday.

Anonymous said...

Inrivention? Congratulations, you've stumped the beanie. Is this any relation to "teh" and "pwned"?

Doug The Una said...

Nah, Amoeba. Just really really reaching for something funny to say about an intervention at Christmas. It might have worked better at Easter time or if I'd capitalized as INRIvention. Jesus the Nazarene, King of the Jews is, after all, the reason for the season. Well, not this season exactly. But we celebrate now. Or shop. Sometimes we shop. OK, now I'm cranky.

Jamie Dawn said...

Dork, Geek... I answer to either.

Bad: mal

Anonymous said...

Here's a Christmas song for you:

I'm getting nuthin' for Christmas, Mommy and Daddy are mad,
I'm gettin' nuthin' for Christmas,
"Cuz I ain't been nuthin' but BAD

On the day I was born, the nurses all gathered 'round
And they gazed in wide wonder, at the joy they had found
The head nurse spoke up, and she said leave this one alone
She could tell right away, that I was bad to the bone
Bad to the bone
Bad to the bone
B-B-B-B-Bad to the bone
Bad to the bone

I broke a thousand hearts, before I met you
I'll break a thousand more baby, before I am through
I wanna be yours pretty baby, yours and yours alone
I'm here to tell ya honey, that I'm bad to the bone
Bad to the bone
Bad to the bone

I make a rich woman beg, I'll make a good woman steal
I'll make an old woman blush, and make a young woman squeal
I wanna be yours pretty baby, yours and yours alone
I'm here to tell ya honey, that I'm bad to the bone
Bad to the bone.


mireille said...

Actually, I agree with you. xoxo

Cie Cheesemeister said...

A curmudgeonly Christmas is the only kind. Bah, humbug!
I'm feeling curmudgeonly to the depths--so far PANSI is winning the horrors of fruitcake story contest! Is it proper for a doll who disdains reading to win?? Oh what a sorry day for us so-called real authors!
Actually if you read PANSI's story, you will see why she's winning. It's a truly amazing piece of work.

Doug The Una said...

Muy bien, Jota-De! Tu hijo es malo y tu hija es mala. El Lammy es muy bueno.

Quilly, that makes me feel fuzzy.

See, Mireille, as long as I pick on the chaste, you're always right there.

Cheesie, I look forward to seeing what my afterworld date wrote.

Anonymous said...

bad? Nope, doesn't ring a bell with me, I am afraid!

You certainly are embracing the Christmas side of things with...oh, why bother? Buy yourself a tree and decorate it with lights...illuminate your depth!

Maybe I am Santa, I can't do math either...

*ponders how she'd look with a beard*

tsduff said...

My bad
Sorry I didn't make it by yesterday.

mireille said...

I just edited the heck out of my response to your "chaste" remark. Self-discipline is the very linchpin of civilization. xoxo

Cooper said...

Phew.....I made the cut.

Doug The Una said...

Haha, Minka. Try on the beard.

Terry, a crow never has to apologize for arriving after the fact.

Mireille, you're making me blush. Self-discipline?

Cooper, the cut was made for you.

Michael K. Willis said...

Bah. Santa can do whatever he, I'm gonna have another margarita and go hang out at the beach :-)

Happy, happy to you and yours :-)

Doug The Una said...

Thanks, Michael. Same to you and yours.

The Boy from S.A.C.A.D.A. said...

I didnt understand som of the big words. Does this meen I dont get a presint?