Friday, December 07, 2007


MISS, n. The title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market. Miss, Missis (Mrs.) and Mister (Mr.) are the three most distinctly disagreeable words in the language, in sound and sense. Two are corruptions of Mistress, the other of Master. In the general abolition of social titles in this our country they miraculously escaped to plague us. If we must have them let us be consistent and give one to the unmarried man. I venture to suggest Mush, abbreviated to Mh.

2007 Update: v.t.   To pine for fanciful forests while mowing the lawn.  To appreciate from a safe distance.

A note on holiday CDs:  The elvish assembly The Meditations of Diogenes The Cynic box set has begun.  Some of you have emailed me addresses, the rest may still.  Because I am absent-minded and cluttered in mind and inbox, if you have sent an address, you might want to double check that I remember I've received it.  If you haven't sent an address, there will be no present from Santa (Clarita) under your tree this year unless you do.  My email, again: dpascover at mac dot com.


Anonymous said...

Go Ambrose!
And I'm first.

Hobbes said...

Should she have said "Mh. Bierce"?

Anonymous said...

Miss: to wave a bitter farewell to those who made it to the airport on time.

just sayin'... 'Tis the Season for missing flights. (loveloveloved your update) ; )

Jamie Dawn said...

I had a real MISS yesterday, when I assumed your sofa is hideous. I had NO IDEA it is beyond hideous and thus rises to the level of hitonious.

Is my address one of those you are MISSing??
I'll e-mail it again since I would be devastated if Mh. Santa Clarita Claus forgot to send my CDs.
I might cry until New Years if such an hitonious thing were to happen.

TLP said...

My head is spinning! Unless I missed something here, Ambrose is actually being fair to women in his definition.

It doesn't seem like sarcasm. Mmmmmmmm....

A miss is as good as a mile, so I'd better think about this again before I miss the point entirely.

OC or Q said...

I have to be MISSing the point, because Mh. Bierce not only appears fair to women in this instance, he also seems to be dissing himself.


Doug The Una said...

Hobbes, Mr. Bierce is fine. Ambrose married and, with three children born, went on to brag to his friends that no woman had ever seen him naked.

True, Neva. Taxis can help with that.

I have yours, JD. Thanks. Yeah, I'm often told hitonious but kind people just say "kind of loud." Male friends and relatives describe it as "soft."

TLP, isn't it surprising? I guess he married so he must have liked women in some ways.

Mr. Bierce, Quill (Mh. Pascover)

Anonymous said...


1. (v. t.) To beget daughters.

2. A concierge, viz. Miss Information, Miss Direction, etc.

In southern California, don't you gum for those forests?

Ariel the Thief said...

"To appreciate from a safe distance." Great definition.

(Mush IS married. Just saying.)

Kyahgirl said...

I had to laugh at your comment about Ambrose bragging that no woman had ever seen him naked....he completely missed the point of procreative recreation. And I thought he was supposed to be a smart guy!

Tom & Icy said...

Miss - why I try to be a moving target

Doug The Una said...

Anonamoeba, your first definition makes sense the same way the verbs to calve, pig, or foal do, except that those are intransitive. I live in Live Oak country. Which is to say, what few trees there are without irrigation in Santa Clarita tend to be live oaks.

Ariel, that's Mister Mush to you.

Kyah, wisdom is the enemy of pleasure. I try to maintain a strict balance of neither.

HAHAHAHAHAHA, Icy! Good girl!

Minka said...

miss,n. strike out!

(I just watched a baseball movie!)

Jim said...

Miss: I believe in equal treatment for the sexes. Single men should be addressed as 'Miss' also, but only when they carry their purse.

Miss: Lady, don't 'miss' your chance to get married any more or we are going to start addressing you as 'Miss Miss.'

Miss: I'm here in the Nebraska snow today, I sure don't 'miss' this snow when I'm home down in the Texas Golf Coast area.

Miss: I haven't seen my friend, Mush lately. If he didn't get married ever, would you call him 'Mush Mush?'

Anonymous said...

Doug, that's one aspect of English grammar I never did quite grasp. Must have been the intransigence of my teachers. Which I could never understand. They were always "Miss" or "Missus" something. How could they be gents? At least now I understand, after all these years, how come I never saw any spitballs on them.

Anonymous said...

Miss: What Mr Ambrose feels when he spends way too many nights on the hideous sofa.

Explains why you are apparently being fair to the woman race (Although I never knew you used to take a shot at us, just an observation from some lovely ladies in here)

Ariel the Thief said...

Miss: all the efforts of her mother to get her a husband missed their targets.

Ariel the Thief said...

Miss: a stray dog living in a cat's body.

Doug The Una said...

Minka, when you know what Cracker Jacks are, you'll be American.

That's funny, Jim, but single men don't have to listen. That's the difference: married men can't.

Amoeba, childhood makes sense from an adult perspective the way adulthood makes sense from a child's.

Karishma, Ambrose poked fun at women and probably had leather couches. Mr. Doug is kindly towards animal and has a couch that looks like a zebra wearing the flag of Italy.

Ariel, mothers seek husbands for their daughters so the daughter will have no one but mom to talk to.

mireille said...

I'm sorry I missed this. I thought Mr. was the abbreviation for Master. As in, "... of all he surveys." Interesting about Brose and the non-nakedness. xoxo

Unknown said...

I've always thought that incorporating "Mush" as a title for an unmarried man would be genius.