Monday, January 08, 2007


AUSTRALIA, n. A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrial and commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate dispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or an island.

2006 Update: The eastmost outpost of the West.

If OC mentions New Zealand being east of Australia, someone bat him. New Zealand is the southmost outpost of the North


Anonymous said...

I just LOVE an Aussie accent, so rich! Maybe I'm just a sucker for an accent, as I love the British as well.

I have often thought I'd like to visit Austrailia. Perhaps someday.

The Bee Gees are their most famous export, I believe.

D :)

QuillDancer said...

Pft -- mind blank -- thanks, Doug. That's a great way to start a Monday!

Australia for runner of Alcatraz.

puppybrose said...

Australia? interesting choice of word with which to kick off a new week, Doug. and, don't you worry, mate, after all the trouble i got myself into last week, the *last* thing i intend to do is attempt at a play of words on the phrase "Down Under". (just sayin'...)

QuillDancer said...


How long does it take to blog train that breed?

Anonymous said...

an upside-down country that's not too shabby, mate

al said...

Australia: Aboriginal word that, in English, means "Land where the toilets flush clockwise."

puppybrose said...

what'd i do? i said i wouldn't make a play on words. i mean, i could have suggested he throw his shrimp on the barbie, but i didn't, because i plan to be good today. or, at the very least, try.

*hangs head, walks over to corner, curls up next to pile of rolled up papers*

al said...

Puppy, I strongly suspect you're courting encouragement to do something bad. U Go Grl.

Old Mule said...

Australia - Island (okay...continent) of the 1850's Eureka Stockade that makes Thoreau's civil disobedience look like a trip to Ben and Jerry's.

Also, a place where some famous golf guy makes wine.

QuillDancer said...

Al -- as a teacher I want to tell you that you ought to be ashamed of making up word etymologies, and tell how Australia really got it's name. As a fan of your humor, I'm too busy laughing.

Puppy, you are always trying. ;)

O Ceallaigh said...

AUSTRALIA, n. prop. Godzone. As "This is Godzone Country, mate. That's the dinkum oil. Believe it or you'll get a Larry Dooley, you larrikin."

Ah yes, Godzone. Where they make you speak the lingo or they won't let you in.

Mutha said...

When the summer olympics were in Australia, and the Australians kept winning swimming events, I grew rather fond of their national anthem. I didn't know the words though -- so I made some up.

The last lines are:
"Where the Kookabera takes wiiiiiiing
and Wallabees are all around."

*remember to sing with a very bad Aussie accent*

Anonymous said...

Hey Mutha, I thought the last two lines were:

And his ghost may be heard
as you pass by the billabong,
"Who'll come a-Waltzing Matilda, with me?"

Anyway, they should be. "Waltzing Matilda" would make a much better Anthem for Australia than (Ugh) "Advance Australia Fair".

Anonymous said...

mutha said kookaburra:

Kookaburra sits on the old gum tree
Merry king of the bush is he
Laugh, Kookaburra, laugh Kookaburra
Gay your life must be

Oz: the place where there are strange gay animals. of course, they also have a wizard

Anonymous said...

I love that song Al.

Australia: I'm a blank slate, perhaps you'll let us know what's up down under, Doug.

Nobody puts Puppy in a corner ;)

al said...

G, there's a killer memorable rendition of "Waltzing Matilda" embedded into the film adaptation of Shute's "On the Beach." It's been one of my favorite songs since hearing it in that film when I was a kid.

Anonymous said...

The Kangaroo

O Kangaroo, O Kangaroo
Be grateful that you're in the zoo.
And not transmuted by a boomerang
To zestful tangy Kangaroo meringue.

The Platypus

I like the duck-billed platypus
Because it is anomalous.
I like the way it raises its family.
Partly birdly, partly mammaly,
I like its independent attitude.
Let no one call it a duck-billed platitude.

The Wapiti

There goes the Wapiti,

- Ogden Nash

Joel said...

Australia: Dire Straits and Paul Hogan come to mind....very little else...not just about Australia. The Monday fog has yet to clear. Speaking of fog...we have some "mysterious" gas odor hanging over Manhattan...uh oh!

Mutha said...

I studied Australia in second grade Social Studies and we learned the kookaburra song and Waltzing Matilda -- but we never learned "Advance Australia Fair" -- which is what invited the disrespect on my part, coupled with a limited understanding of the wildlife.

Yeah Doug -- lay it on us: What are the important things we need to know about Australia besides "Don't hitch hike in the outback"

al said...

I think that was me, Joel, Sorry. Rosa Mexicana, refried beans -- I just can't get enough of that stuff.

Or, maybe it was Minka! Hmmm...

Minka said...

"A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he
meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off
his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat
fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie
shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "
We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan
sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He
asks, "And what are those"?

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have
any grasshoppers in Texas"?"

sorry, but I think this is really funny! *still grinning*

O Ceallaigh said...

"Waltzing Matilda" would make a much better Anthem for Australia.

It almost was, Al.

But I guess a majority of Aussies decided, in the end, that they didn't want to be known to posterity as a mob of swagmen.

al who heard it before said...

STOP, Minka!!!!

(Yeah, I heard it before. But, I gotta admit, that was a very funny joke.)

And, OC -- alas, then, they "almost" got it right. {The bloody tools.}

Doug said...

Thinks, Doyenne.

Jeez Louise, Quill. When I put a word no-one's heard of up on Monday I get flack for that. Just give me a grade level to aim for on Monday and no calling "fifth."

Puppy, God bless your unrestrainable self. I really do consider that a virtue.

Quill, we're at six months, I think. I'm thinking electroshock.

O Ceallaigh, you're pretty good with the rhyming slang for a septic.

Mutha, you're in luck. There is no good Aussie accent.

Al, and "The Band Played Waltzing Matilda" is better yet. I was in Sydney on ANZAC Day and the few old men still weep hearing that song like they do in that song.

Karma, there's no better testimony that Australia is a Christian country than the fact that there are still kookaburras. I wanted to love them then I wanted to kill them all. Never mind the man behind the curtain.

G, based on my six months experience, it's mostly drinking, brawling and pacifist politics.

Al, that was a great movie and the only actor with a plausible Aussie accent was Anthony Perkins.

Karma, I think the best testimony I give to your brilliance right now is I was absolutely prepared to believe you wrote that impromptu until I got to the end. You just may be the Indian Female Ogden Nash of our era.

Joel, that's what happens when you marry a vegetarian. Isn't Dire Straights British?

Mutha, the other key to happiness in Australia is, if you leave Sydney or Brisbane, be white. Not Italian, either. Unless you're hitch-hiking in the outback in which case you might want to try for Navajo.

Al, thanks so much.

No need to apologize, Minka. Here's a top secret classified piece of information about Americans. We( and by we I mean natives of the 47 culturally contiguous states, Alaska, Hawaii, Puerto Rico and Guam) love Texan jokes. Here's another I may have told here once, which is popular among cowboys from California and Colorado:
A mountain lion comes back from hunting empty handed and his wife asks him what happened.

"I only caught a Texan," he answers sullenly.
"So where's the meat?" his wife demands.
"When I jumped out of the tree, I scared the crap out of him. When I landed on him, I knocked the wind out of him. Once the crap and the wind were gone, all that was left was a big hat and a belt buckle."

No, please, hold your applause.

O Ceallaigh, they should put that up for another vote.

I'm with ya, Al. You know, we've gone to war for less. You either sing with us or against us.

Anonymous said...

Finally made it to the W's and the word starts with an A.....and nobody has said who ate their I have to agree with what G wants to do tell whats up?.....I love it when someone else says what I would love to ba able to say G, my heroine.....Neva, stop squesing the Charmin.....they need you here.

Joel said...

Yes Doug you are correct...Dire Straits is British. What I meant to say was INXS and/or AC/DC. You see we have this strange gas-like odor hovering over Manhattan this morning (damn it Al) and I'm pretty sure it's effected my already fuzzy Monday thought process.

Tom & Icy said...

The water swirls the other way in the toilet, but it still tastes the same.

Anonymous said...

Well I did learn of Vegimite sandwiches from Men at Work and of course there was Midnight Oil whose song, Beds are Burning is remembered by me from a babysitting experience as "Toast is burning". Okay so maybe you'd like something else to eat?

Ahh, Mo'a you know that any word that tumbles from your mouth is automatically funny and charming and just - you! The party's not complete until you've arrived.

Doug said...

Mo'a, I ate the baby. Thanks for the laugh.

Joel, I thought you might mean INXS or AC/DC. If I can imitate DJ Lampy for a minute, there was an Australian band called "The Black Storms" when I was there that was as good as any band from there ever. Although, AC/DC is awesome for driving home on bad roads from a drunken brawl.

Haha, Icy! Perfect. Good girl!

G, vegemite is an acquired taste I actually acquired. I suspect I'd have to reacquire it to put on your toast.

O Ceallaigh said...

Texas farmer: I don’t know about your farm in Maine, mister, but I have a ranch in Texas that is so large that it takes me five days to drive around my entire spread.

Mainah: I have a car just like that myself.

"Texas vs. Maine", Bert and I

O Ceallaigh said...

um, Doug, was that supposed to be sceptic?

al said...

Don't worry about it, Joel -- you know what they say: bad smell, good television. :-)

Speaking of which, I can't check the overnights. Please tell me Trump's "The Apprentice - LA" took the gas pipe last night?

(Don't worry, Doug -- if, as I devoutly hope, his ratings out West sucked wind, we can cleverly tie this all back to your "Down Under" post.)

Anonymous said...

A friend did an interview online and it was two Aussie accents. Krikey! Is there anything more scrumptious that two Aussie guys talking about sex? I THINK NOT!!!

Joel said...

"Men at Work" of course...that's really who I was thinking of.

Mutha said...

But wait...what was the Aussie band that had a tall bald lead singer -- who later became a part of the Aussie government. He sang that lyric "It's better to die on your feet than to live on your knees"...?

Doug: LOOOOOOVE the Texan joke. The motto in my household "MESS WITH TEXAS"

Anonymous said...

thanks for the compliment, Douglas. now i'm inspired by Nash to write my own:

The Koala

So reticent and shy is the Koala,
I bet my bottom dollar
He can't holla

The Crocodile

If I came across a crocodile,
I'd have to run a mile

The Wilby

So confused is the Wilby,
He doesn't know if he will be

The Dingo

A wild kind of dog is the Dingo
He hunts all night
While you get a fright
Losing yet another game of Bingo

- Karma

auzhlss: Australian lass

Doug said...

O Ceallaigh, I must have overestimated you. In rhyming slang septic => septic tank => yank => person of American birth.

Al, it will be an extroardinary relief to get back on topic. I have a very hard time with randomness as you can see.

Jenna, I can come up with a few, but that might just be me.

Joel, of course.

Mutha, that was Midnight Oil. G had it, to no-one's surprise.

Anonymous said...

love my Aussie blogger buds, they rock! and lovelovelove the fact they hatehatehate the bushies!!

(cashin' in some of my p's and q's today and you thought i wez good, tee hee... fooled ya!)


Doug said...

Karma, we cross-posted but I bet you can hear my applause from there.

If you are caught between tree and goanna
Give up the bark and cover some lanna.

The finest of wool comes from the merinos
So I asked a young shepherd to tell me what he knows
About making a sweater or hat.
He pointed out to me his curliest ewe
And told me that she makes a skirt look good, too.
I angora tell more than that.

Karen, I've read your blog. No disappointment here.

Anonymous said...

No definition from me - but I've often heard of people trying to send packages, etc. to Austria only to have the postal worker insist there is no Austria and that it must be a misspelling of Australia.

O Ceallaigh said...

I shoulda known, Doug. Just like an Aussie. Kiwis are nicer. They just ignore you.

Were you wondering when I'd work the Land of the Wrong White Crowd into this?


puppybrose said...

when i was younger folks used to think i looked like Aussie Olivia Newton-John (sorry Joel, that was before we met)

sadly, i didn't sound like her. nor like the New Zealand performer we're featuring on the SNARK today (in case anyone care's to know what someone sounds like after eating the *Dingo's* very ugly, very LARGE baby).

my point, for i had one somewhere around here, is that many fine famous folk hail from Australia, Mad Max and that lead singer from 30 Odd Foot of Grunts, just to name two especially tasty pieces of eye candy.

speaking of size (which some of you who aren't me were), didn't our host make reference to his large snake in the last tale from the Hitchhiker's Guide to Down Under he shared a couple of months ago? apparently Australia brings out the boastful in the best of 'em.

*jumps at sensation of being shocked, scurries back to corner*

Jamie Dawn said...

Australia, where they do everything big.
They are a big island with big crocs and big sporting events and big beer lovers.
I've never been there, but I'd sure love to visit someday!

Jamie Dawn said...

Also, in Australia, there are no annoying philosphers who waste time asking questions or arguing over eastmost and southmost, etc.

It's simply the land down under, and that's all we need to know.

Anonymous said...

Dingo Doug,, I mean Bingo, I thought who ate your baby? I know not so original, just had my hear cut short....lost my funny bone in the process, I think. Luckily I think all your friends here are funny so my silly bone is intact.

Grrrrrr!!! I could get through my blog roll much faster were it not for WV and having to change to google account etc., etc. So what is the verifier for exactly ...... ?????

Anonymous said...

No man is an island. Many a man, however, is incontinent.

puppybrose said...

Diesel: that's what a friend of mine once said when she got back from Hawai'i: "It's so good to be incontinent."

Anonymous said...

Australia? Don't forget Adam and the Ants, and Men at Work.

The Sidney Opera House is on the ballot to be one of the seven new wonders of the world, too.


Anonymous said...

Oops, I meant to add, vote over there:

Priscilla, Queen of the Desert said...

I have nothing to say, except that I really, really enjoyed the comments today.

Puppy, you are so sweet and so funny! If anyone is mean and cruel to you, they'll have to answer to me!

Doug said...

Indie, having just been to Austria, I'm inclined to agree.

O Ceallaigh, I have to admit I found the overt racism in Australia kind of shocking. Overall, I liked the place but seeing well-worn ethnic slurs used casually on the cover of, say, People Magazine was a little creepy.

Puppybrose, there was no double entendre there. That was a perfectly innocent comment about my joe blow.

But, Jamie Dawn, what does it mean to "know a place?"

No one, Mo'a. Sometimes there's just nothing better than meat and quiet.

Diesel, that was terrific. Well done.

Funny, Puppy. A friend of mine came back from Mexico and told me the opposite.

Thanks, Actonbell. I'll have to consider my ballot. The coolest thing to me about the Sydney Opera House was the jellyfish swimming right up to the edge of the platform it rests on.

They were good, weren't they, Priscilla Pez? Not to fear, we use sarcasm instead of the newspaper on Puppytoes.

Mutha said...

G saves the day again...Midnight Oil, ofcourse -- I didn't tie it together with the toast - thing.

Did anyone mention that poor Steve guy -- the Crocodile Hunter? Kriegy! What a way to go. But Mr Australia, wouldn't you say?

Anonymous said...

Mutha, of course it was my liberty taking with the lyrics.

Now some other Aussie faves that I would be remiss in not coming back and staying "One Step Ahead of You" by mentioning Split Enz and Crowded House which this place is fast becoming.

Nighty night.

cooper said...

"My Australia" is a continent.

Anonymous said...

There was a young lad from Sydney
He couldn't hold on
...Are you kidding me?
So he dropped his pants
In front of Amazon ants
After all, he had just one kidney


enmxtex: mixed-up cowboy

Anonymous said...

Australia...hmmm. I got nothing. Except I know some might nice Aussie bloggers.

What brings us back to A Doug?

Doug said...

Mutha, he was a pretty big part of how we think of that place. God bless.

Night, G. I think Split Enz was from New Zealand but on second thought, so were The Black Storms, maybe. I've found no evidence online that the Storms actually existed.

Cooper, that makes you an Emperess. No surprise there.

From Darwin Bay up to Mumbai,
Each fella is wondering why,
If Karma can swim,
She doesn't to him,
Or at least hoist her sari and sail by.

Kyah, the week's letter is random as far as I know. If there's a pattern, though, I bet you'll find it.

Anonymous said...

hmmm,why do I hear the sounds of a beagle snickering? you laughing at me bub?

Doug said...

Because you know me, Kyah. Because you know me.

Anonymous said...

yeah, I do.

woofs and wags :-)

Anonymous said...

The Dutch have Germany,
Canadians have America,
And Kiwis have Australia. (I'm not explaining that comment.) :-)

If I was Australian (ya, like they'd have me) I would invent a backwards running clock and hang it over my toilet. "What do you mean it flushes backwards? That's counter-clockwise, see?"

Anonymous said...

62 bottles of Foster's on the wall, 62 bottles of beer...

Anonymous said...

The place my mail goes to first when I'm trying to mail letters to relatives in Austria.

Doug said...

Woof, Kyah.

Morgan, you would in doing so, redeem the Australian soul. I wonder why a nation of prisoners never thought of that. I think I get your joke. A nearby national straight man.

Actonbell, 37 beers down at 6:19? Couldn't sleep? You're 15 minutes ahead of schedule.

Goldennib, I bet you can improve things by addressing your letters to "Osterreich" instead. That way they only have to go through Easter Island.

Anonymous said...

Australia: the land of AC/DC and didgeridoos, both of which I enjoy listening to, but not at the same time.