Gambler

Gambler, n. A man.

2006 Update: Someone who sacrifices steady income for the promise of heaven.

Chemise

Chemise, n. Don't know what it means.

2006 Update: Me either.

Love, American Style

Story #29, in which we return to find Doug an exchange student in Germany.

To hear the story, find a bar and order a Veltin's.








To read the story, stagger down Biegenstraße.







Click below for a slide show from Marburg (2005)

Dice

Dice, n. Small polka-dotted cubes of ivory, constructed like a lawyer to lie on any side, but commonly on the wrong one.

2006 Update: Ouija boards for accountants.

Pain

Pain, n. An uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical basis in something that is being done to the body, or may be purely mental, caused by the good fortune of another.

2006 Update: The goddess of anaesthesia.

The Moment We've All Been Waiting For

This week's guest is Tan Lucy Pez (TLP) so if you hear of me getting flattened by a bus, that's just karma trying to restore some balance.

TLP defined the word Harpy.

Harpy, n. 1. (Modern) A female whom you happen not to like. A fierce woman who holds different opinions from you.
2. (postmodern) A woman who never learned that you can't change a man - unless he's in diapers. A woman who is learning the hard way that, sadly, all men are created equal.
3. A man, woman, adult child, or dog, who whines, wheedles, whimpers, or harps in order to achieve their own desired result.

About Tan Lucy Pez: Oh, where to start. TLP is the mother and chief sarcast of the first family of the blogosphere, the Pezes (of the Pennsylvania-Massachusetts Pezes.) Her posts blend equal parts apology for the dullness of her writing and laugh lines. No one in the blogosphere does blue humor as ladylike and elegant as she. That TLP! To know her is to adore her and that's why I've taken my place in the line of blogbabies waiting to be born a Pez. Plus, I bet she's funny when she's offline. Just sayin'


About the Pezes (Vol. IV): The brilliance, creativity, cleverness and refinement of Actonbell, Aral Peppermint Patty Pez, Bookworm, Dddragon and Goa'uld can all be traced to TLP and from there back to chimps. There's something more than touching about the way they're all so different from one another and yet honor each other in public in writing. TLP's late son, Nivek Army Ranger Pez is also honored beautifully by the adult Pezes, exemplifying in their memories both the strength and the wackiness that we've come to expect in this family.

Special thanks to Dddragon for six months of intensive lobbying and to Jamie Dawn for sacrificing herself to make this happen.

How to be a future guest on this site: Just send an email to dpascover at mac dot com. On a future Wednesday, after posting that week's guest, I'll send you an email with a word to define. You'll be expected to return your definition along with a graphic representing either your definition or yourself by the following Saturday. The only rules are no profanity and no novels, please. And whatever I make up at the last minute.

Apothecary

Apothecary, n. The physician's accomplice, undertaker's benefactor and grave worm's provider.

When Jove sent blessings to all men that are,
And Mercury conveyed them in a jar,
That friend of tricksters introduced by stealth
Disease for the apothecary's health,
Whose gratitude impelled him to proclaim:
"My deadliest drug shall bear my patron's name!"
G.J.

2006 Update: That person to whom we now entrust our spirit, vitality and virility, the Priest being otherwise occupied.

Lawful

Lawful, adj. Compatible with the will of a judge having jurisdiction.

2006 Update: Compliant with a law as adultery under the second commandment or warrantless searches under the second amendment.

Oh, y feliz Día de Independencia a Miz Bohemia!

Crossroads

Story #28, in which the Devil seeks his due.

To hear the story, ask Robert Johnson for directions.










To read the story, come to the crossroads.

Photo courtesy of Anton Shevchenko. Thanks, Anton.

Zany

Zany, n. A popular character in old Italian plays, who imitated with ludicrous incompetence the buffone, or clown, and was therefore the ape of an ape; for the clown himself imitated the serious characters of the play. The zany was progenitor to the specialist in humor, as we to-day have the unhappiness to know him. In the zany we see an example of creation; in the humorist, of transmission. Another excellent specimen of the modern zany is the curate, who apes the rector, who apes the bishop, who apes the archbishop, who apes the devil.

2006 Update: adj. Of or pertaining to gravity, nobility or eloquence plus a sniffle.

Perseverance

Perseverance,n. A lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success.

"Persevere, persevere!" cry the homilists all,
Themselves, day and night, persevering to bawl.
"Remember the fable of tortoise and hare --
The one at the goal while the other is -- where?"
Why, back there in Dreamland, renewing his lease
Of life, all his muscles preserving the peace,
The goal and the rival forgotten alike,
And the long fatigue of the needless hike.
His spirit a-squat in the grass and the dew
Of the dogless Land beyond the Stew,
He sleeps, like a saint in a holy place,
A winner of all that is good in a race.
Sukker Uffro

2006 Update: The slave to greed, soldier of envy, pupil of ignorance and father of nearly all the world's children.

Special Guest Wednesday

This Wednesday, my guest is illustrious chocolatier and noted brooder, Semisweet1.

His assignment was to define for us Afar, n. He answers in verse, and the object could be almost anyone.

Once struck by Cupid’s dart,
My heart
Was freed of doubt and dread.
Was Red
The antidote to Blue?
For you
At stoplights my love grew.
But, always, Doom impends –
Red love turned Green soon ends.
My heart was Red for you.

About Semisweet1: Semisweet1 is a good friend going back to college (#4/4) where he was my roommate and cribbage antagonist for one semester. He's also the scion of a marshmallow empire, a native of Long Island, New York, and a dependable wooer of women living or travelling within 10,000 miles of the Great Neck post office. A boy has to have standards.

My favorite way to introduce Semisweet1 is with my own introduction. It was new students' registration day at Emory. The registrants were divided into three groups: Freshmen, transferring students, and those for whom papers were missing, incomplete or inelegant. It didn't take long in the second group to find that I belonged to the third. After an hour in line, it was clear that there was an administrative problem which could not be handled easily because all the paperwork seemed so right. Everything they asked for, I presented but they were certain something was missing or else why would I be at that table? Was I sure it was Emory I was attending?

In the din of the room, voices rose to screaming and fell to silence. There were many dead. At some point, behind me, there was one voice which seemed calm, authoritative and sarcastic. Naturally my ears followed and I heard the following syncopated explanation. "I applied to Emory University, I'm certain that was the name on the form and the logo matched the one on your shirt. I received from Emory notice of acceptance, a request for money and some forms to fill out. These I completed and returned, with a check, to the address indicated on the envelope. It appears these were received because they sent me the instructions that brought me to this table where it is now my intention to matriculate at-(to?) Emory. Is it matriculate at or to? I don't want to make a mistake." The sarcasm was stunningly adequate to the situation and while I spent most of that week trying not to introduce myself to people, I couldn't resist making Semisweet1's acquaintance. By coincidence, my next introduction, wholly involuntary, turned out to be Semisweet1's roommate for that year, Brian, and the three of us spent many an hour together in friendship and mockery.

Mediate

Mediate, v.i. To butt in.

2006 Update: To distract from provocation, for example, with a fatuous smile or a little pink paper umbrella.

Jealousy

Jealousy, n. The seamy side of love.

2005 Update: The inspiration to get out of bed in the evening. Mother to the Muses.

Happy Birthday, Martin Luther King, Jr.

Tom Waits Calls a Cab

Story #27, in which the straight and narrow path is no way at all.

To hear the story, tip your hat to Tom Waits.










Read all about it! Hail the cab!

Oh, and anyone who isn't sure what this is all about should use a legal file sharing system to look for a Tom Waits song called 9th and Hennepin.

Alcohol

Alcohol, n. ( Arabic Al Kohl, a paint for the eyes. ) The essential principle of all such liquids as give a man a black eye.

2006 Update: An astringent applied to the soul's face.

Reparation

Reparation, n. Satisfaction that is made for a wrong and deducted from the satisfaction felt in committing it.

2006 Update: A commitment within congress to civility without.

Semisweet1 tells a Tale of Willie today on Doug Drones On.

Special Guest Wednesday

This weeks special guest is Enrique Bava, aka Papi Brujo.

Enrique has defined for us:

Subversive, n. See: Bill of Rights.
A fish with legs attached to a car in Kansas.

About Enrique: Enrique is my mama's husband, my second father, a native of Rafaela, Argentina, an escapee from Buenos Aires and a refugee from Los Angeles. An itinerant malcontent, Enrique has identified himself as a good Catholic altar boy, a Union agitator, a communist sympathizer, a neo-trotskyite, a vegetarian and, last I checked, a Platonist. A Platonist, by the way, seems to be a well-meaning Oligarch without a realm or associates.

Enrique is father to a marine biologist, a tangero/architect and a clinical psychologist (in-training) and modifier to three Pascovers and a bouncer of three grandchildren on his aging knees. He is a steel-worker, an Information Technology visionary and a narrator of lengthy philosophies. He's also a brilliant asador, devoted hang-glider pilot and dedicated singer of dirges. Well, one dirge. Señor Bava has a brand new Master's degree in history which led to his job in the steel mill.

How to be a future guest on this site: Just send an email to dpascover at mac dot com. On a future Wednesday, after posting that week's guest, I'll send you an email with a word to define. You'll be expected to return your definition along with a graphic representing either your definition or yourself by the following Saturday. The only rules are no profanity and no novels, please. And whatever I make up at the last minute.

Omen

Omen, n. A sign that something will happen if nothing happens.

2006 Update: A sparrow in a raven's nest, rumors of war in the East or a cloud that looks like a kitten. Proof that your neighbor has it coming.

Influence

Influence, n. In politics, a visionary quo given in exchange for a substantial quid.

2006 Update: The basest application of morality.

1001 Points of Light

Story #26 A tale of progress from Iran.

To hear the story, click on Scheherezade. (Right)










To read the story, click on Ali Baba. (Left)

Devotion

Devotion, n. A mild type of mental abberation variously produced; in love, by a surplus of blood; in religion, by chronic dyspepsia.

2006 Update: An instrument of torture often kept in the kitchen.

Outrage

Outrage, n. Any disagreeable act, considered from the viewpoint of the victim of it. A denial of immunity.

2006 Update: The smallest coin of trade in the market of piety.

Special Guest Wednesday

As my guest this week, I'm delighted to introduce, The Amazing Sponge Girl. She defines for us:

Tabloid, [tæ’bloid]
1. excl. Comic book word indicating impact, eg. “Kablooey! Pow! Ta-BLOID!”.
2. p.n. Capital of Tabloidistan, nestled in the tender sloping hills between Hollywood and Monte Carlo. Chief exports include meat, mugshots and Brand Beckham. Tabloid is the trendy hub of printing rubbish, a popular national passtime. Tourist attractions include Baywatch stars in car crashes, Paris Hilton’s pets and Russel Crowe.

Visitors flock to the city by the thousands, particularly during Federline season, when the streets are nicely fugged* up and the townsfolk join together for an all-stompin’, all-cussin’ hoedown.

Tourists are, however, asked to note that there is a government travel warning on Tabloidistan. Visitors are strongly urged against wearing ugg boots and eating burritos in public – and anyone who converts to Kabbala is just asking for it. In case of acute Courtney Loveification it is advised to stay calm, send out the Sponge Beacon and distract the assailant with shiny things until help arrives.

About The Amazing Sponge Girl: Sponge Girl, or A. Spo as she's known in lexicographical circles, provides invasive, speculative and remorseless gossip about her own fictionalized life. With great wit and negligible esteem for her subject, her dish is tantalizing suggestive and yet almost entirely unsupported with documentation or named sources. Her most recent headline "Sponge Girl Not Naked" and the base insinuations that follow give a sense of what awaits once you know where to look for the latest.

While rejecting and often mocking the contemporary prevalence of celebrity obsession, this reporter admits he's hooked. The insight presented into the romance and career of the A.Spo tantalize with the certainty that there must be more and wouldn't we like to know. A source for this bio, speaking only Spanish-inflected Farsi with a little Danish to protect her anonymity, described A. Spo as "Completely fabulous. I'm almost sure of it." If you read the personality columns or are beset by those who do, The Amazing Sponge Girl is for you.

*A. Spo's press people have produced a substantial body of evidence that this word is not profane ("Paris Hilton uses it,") although I don't believe it is sacred either. Having met with her legal team, I have agreed to allow this single use of the verb "To Fug" and then banish it forever from these pages. What could I do? They were going to take Willie.

The reference below to my deleting this site is hyperbole, which you all should be used to from me! Good Grief y'all!
How to be a special guest: All it takes to be a special guest on Waking Ambrose is to inform me of your willingness to submit to my editorial tyranny, especially the no profanity/no novel-writing clause which was once so rigidly enforced and will be again once all of Miz Bohemia's friends have gone. By the way, as of this writing there are no more volunteers for next Wednesday so I plan to delete this site on that day.

Mooche, n. One who enjoys access to the orchestra pit but won't lower herself to the stage.

Abide

Abide, v.i. To treat with merited indifference the landlord's notification that he has let his house to a party willing to pay.

2006 Update: To offer the enduring comfort of one's presence, as The LORD gave unto David, for example, usually while hoping for potato chips.

Reciprocate

Reciprocate, v. Writing of a man's "talented pen," when he has been mentioning your "spirited imagination."

2006 Update: ne. A just war fought against a country not terribly far from an attacker.

The Normans England did invade
And the King said "bring my maps!
I'll launch a great reciprocate
Against Belgium or the Latts!"

How'd I do, TLP?