Friday, May 12, 2006


OYSTER, n. A slimy, gobby shellfish which civilization gives men the hardihood to eat without removing its entrails! The shells are sometimes given to the poor.

2006 Update: An aphrodisiac whose power is well-documented among the drunk.


The amoeba said...

First? That's 'cause I haven't been to bed yet. Don't ask.

OYSTER, n. A shellfish that won't clam up. Explaining why offering oysters to the object of one's affection sometimes results in loquacity instead of amorousness.

Sherlock Holmes raved about oysters in The Dying Detective. The references have been overanalyzed by Sherlockian scholars ever since.

bbcjpbp - the lip-buzzing that's about all I'm good for right now.

Sar said...

The world is my Oyster.

I never quite understood that pearl of wisdom.

yppoz - yippee people, it's Friday! Oh shhh O Ceallaigh is trying to catch some Zzzzzz's.

Anonymous said...

When my brother the chef came back from Australia after being there for a year and I was cooking (it once in a blue moon) he yelled at me "Oy, Stir the sauce it's burning!" I didn't. It was nasty. He never lets me cook in front of him any more. Coward.

Mutha said...

You say oyster and I say erster...

I have never been able to manage the act of eating an oyster. It hurts my feelings on every level of the sensory experience: visual, texture, case closed. So, to me the definition might read,

Oyster: an act of offense with the intention to disgust. As in, "The party was great until that girl got sick all over me. Man, I didn't know she was gonna pull an oyster."

Tom & Icy said...

Isn't that a diet snack which you tie a string to it and swallow it then pull it back up and it's just like it was, so you can eat it several times and not gain weight.

Indeterminacy said...

These comments before me are real pearls!

I'm staying away from seafood. The other day I bought fried fish at the market and brought it back to work to eat, but had to put it in the microwave first. THis created quite a sensation. I still don't get what people have against the smell of fish.

Minka said...

I am 7th, I have been trying for a while now to be first...but it is not happening. I guess every pearl has its oyster:)

TLP said...

Well, when we were kids we used to say, "It looks like oysters, but it'snot." You probably need to say it out loud.

The Bible (Leviticus) speaks against eating shell fish and being homosexual in the same breath. So you folks who eat oysters are apparently going to the same great reward as gays.

(Doug, you told me yesterday to come back and testify. So I did.)

Anonymous said...

Me thinks it's not Kosher!

Omnipotent Poobah said...

It's waht the world used to be.

CozyMama said...

good one and I do not think it really does have an effect on your sex drive. if it really does then i want proof before i eat them. :)

Doug The Una said...

O Ceallaigh, that's a great definition but I'm not sure it's fair to blame the oyster.

Sar, a punny comment. I think you may be cheerful even by your own standards.

Coward, indeed, Jenna. It looks like puns on the half-shell are the order of the day.

I'm with you, Mutha, except on the pronunciation.

Lammy, I'm not sure you need the string.

Indie, there must be some explanation. Pearls before swine.

Haha, Minka. Pearls take time.

I did, TLP, not realizing you were on route to the den of sin in the land of shellfish.

Miz B, OW! My sympathies.

Cowgirl, I bet there's frosted flakes. Eat up.

Gina, that seems to be the consencus.

And now, Poobah? A clam?

Jodes, can 10,000 drunken frat boys be wrong?

Kyahgirl said...

I don't think you could ever get me drunk enough to put something so slimy and disgusting in my mouth!

The Village Idiot said...

Key Distinction To Be Made:

Pan Fried Oysters from Penn Cove..good

Oysters on the half-shell bad.

And as far as I can tell The progression is

Oyster--->Pearl --/-->Swine

Ariel the Thief said...

K-girl, at one time when I was having my lunch in a local restaurant, a woman at the next table had soup, and was given some big spoon with it, so she called the waitress back and said very loudly, "Bring me a smaller spoon, please, I cannot put such huge things in my mouth". I almost spilled my own soup, so did three guys at another table.

The Reverent Eater said...

Manchego LOVES ersters. Probably has to do with growing up near The Bay. Love to slurp 'em, love to fry 'em, love to grill 'em with a little parmesan on top. Mmmm, mmmm.

"On the other hand," as M.F.K. Fisher once wrote, "a flaccid, moping, debauched mollusk, tired from too much love and loose-nerved from general world conditions, can be a shameful thing served raw upon the shell."

Jamie Dawn said...

I'll just take the pearls, please.

Anonymous said...

cowgirl-I had Cheerios today too :-)

Ariel-yes, I guess a lady should watch the way she words these things...:-)

Doug The Una said...

Kyahgirl, I tried once. Being cool just isn't worth that.

Village Idiot, nice diagram. I didn't know backslash was a symbol for "cast."

Good choice, Cowgirl. And I agree with you and Idiot that even slimy marine oreos are just fine fried.

Hahaha, Ariel. And over soup no less.

Manchego, I'm pretty sure that's the most poetic quotation about bivalves ever. Not that I've researched it. I suspect you're right, being Bostonian is the only explanation I can think of if you can eat Oysters reverently.

Jamie Dawn, here's my plan: Laminate the bottom photo on your site today and drop the picture on an oyster bed. I'm guessing a healthy harvest of pearls.

Logophile said...

Penn Cove oysters, when fried are very edible, it is true. But most things that originate from Whidbey Island are of the best possible quality.

Anonymous said...

She smiles at me
from beyond the eastern sea-shore.
Flashing jewelled eyes,
she hoists her skirts so high.
Nouvelle cuisine or an oyster bar ---
it's really up to her.
I'll write every cheque she brings to me.
She shoots on sight ---
it's her European legacy.

The Village Idiot said...

Thank you Doug,

You see, when the world is your oyster, you can do anything!

Semisweet1 said...

I laughed, Doug. I haven't done that in a while.

The Reverent Eater said...

Oh, Doug, I'm afraid you misunderstand me. Sigh. Alas. THE Bay refers to the Chesapeake - home of ersters and blue crabs and skipjacks. I wouldn't eat an erster from the Boston Harbor if you paid me with a Cape Cod Cat Boat full of pearls.

The Reverent Eater said...

I would try to negotiate with you to keep the Cat Boat though...

Doug The Una said...

Logo, you're in Quahog country, aren't you? I'm not entirely sure what that is but it's one of my favorite words.

Shayna, that reminded of this from Langston Hughes' Jazzonia:
In a Harlem Cabaret
Six long-headed jazzers play
A dancing girl whose eyes are bold
Lifts high a dress of whirling gold
Oh, Shining Tree!
Oh Silver River of the Soul!

I'm sure, V.I. Mine's kind of a clam.

S, I'll see if Rumen is available for next week.

Manchego, a thousand pardons. The Northeast is the one part of the country I know nothing about. I have had fried clams in Boston, though, and crab cakes in D.C. so that's something, right?

The Reverent Eater said...

That is something, Doug. But it's still not ersters.

Now I'm getting hungry for some shellfish...stuffed quahogs or erster po'boy...hmmm...

And I've updated my profile to make my relationship to the Northeast a little clearer.

Anonymous said...

Crab cakes! Crab cakes!

Well I guess lunch is decided now.

Gross to oysters.

Rio said...

among the drunk? im going to go out on a limb and say that the drinking is more of an aphrodisiac then the oyster.

I say "ursta" you say "oyster"
I'm not gonna stop eatin urstas
Just cause you say oysters,
Let's call the whole thing off

Oh, if we call the whole thing off
Then we must part and
Oh, if we ever part
That would break my heart

The amoeba said...

Doug - yep, you're right, your knowledge of the East is a bit deficient.

Quahogs (pronounced "co-hog", in case you were thinking something different) are Eastern clams.

Logo's in geoduck (pronounced "gooeyduck"; no I don't) country. And we're going to have it out over Whidbey Island versus the San Juans.

Yes I'm awake now. More or less.

Kyahgirl said...

hey cowgirl, do you think its the drinking or the fact that people become more confident, outgoing and friendly when drinking?

I think confident, outgoing and friendly is a very aphrodisiacical (is that a word?) combination.

what do you think?

Doug The Una said...

Thanks, Manchego. That's upper-right, isn't it?

Cowgirl, Whinger, my clients at the American Crab Cake Association thank you both.

Rio, somehow the path of that comment is distinctively you.

I see, O Ceallaigh. This is why having a marine biologist around is so critical.

Right, Cowgirl.

Kyahgirl, I think the alcohol may have something to do with it, but, like Cowgirl, I'm pretty much an innocent.

Cowgirl, I'm sure I have no idea what you mean. Please explain.

Kyahgirl said...

*rolls eyes* at cowgirl and doug

all the innocence around here is enough to gag a person, if they weren't already gagging on oysters.

(just keeping it on topic)

dddragon said...

Oysters: YUCK

Jamie Dawn said...

Ha, ha, ha, ha!!!

Fried Oysters: hideous

Raw Oysters: HITONIOUS

Doug The Una said...

Kyahgirl, I'm quicked!

Cowgirl no-one should have to come again again. Thanks for your thoughtfulness.

Amen, Dddragon.

Hurray, Jamie Dawn! You got use hitonious.

Actonbell, you acquitted your duty well. You know I've never read that?

Anonymous said...

sar took my world.

Unknown said...

first time i was introduced to oysters was in Chinatown, NY.

my colleague and i picked up some bottles of chinese beer from the grocery store next door and then went to this small crowded restaurant, where she said i should try the oysters. i asked the guys at the next table, who were having them by the gallon, what it tasted like. one of them said,

"It's like Chinese chewing gum"

mireille said...

Uncle Doug, are prairie oysters an aphrodisiac, too? What exactly ARE prairie oysters? Some sort of Nebraskan shellfish? But there isn't any saltwater on the prairie, is there? Hm. Wonder why anyone who's drunk would waste their time on aphrodisiacs. Nothing's going to happen anyway. And who documents these things? And where on the oyster are the entrails? I think these posts should come with a map. xoxo

Anonymous said...

So, i am Doug's dad. i am sitting on my deck, listening to the Grateful Dead on my computer, reading your comments, and trying to remember if I ever ate raw oysters sober. I doubt it, although, it may have happened if the food service was better than the bar service. In any event, I haven't had oysters since Bob Dole started doing commercials for oysters [or was it viagra] Does it matter?

Anonymous said...

Eeew prairie oysters. Those become a delicacy around here during Stampede time. I've heard there's a kind of prairie oyster festival though I'm not sure. I'm too busy checking out all the guys. Priorities. I can honestly say I've never eatten any kind of oyster be in from the sea or...the prairie. If I had to chose between those? The sea...hands down. Course it depends on what the "or else" would be. I may just take option C.

Mireille, you so don't want to know what they are. Trust me...listen to cowgirl. They're...:::shudder:::

Doug The Una said...

Alice, I'm sure any gentleman will buy you a new one.

Great anecdote, Karma, but I think "Oyster" sounds more appetizing.

Right, Mireille. Zockso but uh-uh.

Cowgirl, don't listen to Mireille, she knows perfectly well what a prairie oyster. She's French. She probably eats skunk toes.

Pops, when the hell did you start listening to the Dead? You should be listening to Laurence Welk by now.

Jenna, did I know you were from Calgary? I've always wanted to go to the stampede. And prairie oysters and eggs is a great breakfast.

Anonymous said...

(tips her cowboy hat...well, if she had one)

And no prairie oysters shall ever pass this girl's lips. Uh-uh. No way no how.

The stampede is good for many things especially free food. You can go 10 days on free pancake breakfasts, free barbecue lunches that go into the night. Plus the guys in their tight jeans...sigh. Yee-haw.

Alana said...

Hmmm. Your definition really helps me understand Doug. When I tried oysters once I was completely sober. I suppose I would actually have to be drunk to actually try them again.

Anonymous said...

"I think oysters are more beautiful than any religion," [Clovis] resumed presently. "They not only forgive our unkindness to them; they justify it, they incite us to go on being perfectly horrid to them. . . . There's nothing in Christianity or Buddhism that quite matches the sympathetic unselfishness of an oyster. . . ."

Doug The Una said...

Pancakes make a nice breakfast, too, Jenna

Squaregirl, two more Clipper wins will make it unnecessary.

Welcome back, Mr. Munro. How was the competition?

tsduff said...

Oysters - divinely delicious on the half shell, their liquor smacking of the ocean, mingling with the sharp piquant horseradish cocktail sauce and squeeze of lemon juice... oh to be in possession of such right now.

Doug The Una said...

Welcome, TS! What is it with ravens and oysters?

tsduff said...

They are both unique gifts for one to enjoy to the hilt. And, I do. Although it seems that both have a rather select following and a misunderstood reputation.