FANATIC, n. One who overestimates the importance of convictions and undervalues the comfort of an existence free from the impact of addled eggs and dead cats upon the human periphery.
2006 Update: Anyone who submits to a leader as though he were God, takes up a cause as though it were Earth or argues with Me.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Monday, October 16, 2006
Falsehood
FALSEHOOD, n. A truth to which the facts are loosely adjusted to an imperfect conformity.
2006 Update: A biased account of sincere spin or an unjust allegation by my enemy, who has a tail.
2006 Update: A biased account of sincere spin or an unjust allegation by my enemy, who has a tail.
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Secret Lives
Story #66, about a woman with many tales.
To hear the story, yodel from Mont Blanc.
To read the story, parry.
This week in The Prattler, "Political Capital."
To hear the story, yodel from Mont Blanc.
To read the story, parry.
This week in The Prattler, "Political Capital."
Friday, October 13, 2006
Drunk
DRUNK, adj. Boozy, fuddled, corned, tipsy, mellow, soaken, full, groggy, tired, top-heavy, glorious, overcome, swipy, elevated, overtaken, screwed, raddled, lushy, nappy, muzzy, maudlin, pious, floppy, loppy, happy, etc.
2006 Update: Temporarily unburdened of the conspiracies of the community, the malice of miscreants foreign and domestic, the loss of great loves, the infidelity of strangers, the expectations of coworkers, the ambitions of neighbors, the envy of friends, the curiosity of enemies, family secrets, an evacuated spleen and a full bladder.
Announcement: Today I am emceeing a roast of Pia on Courting Destiny. You are all summoned to join the abuse. This marks my final contribution to the Buy Pia a Vacation Word Fund. Today, of course, Pia is the guest blogger at Sar's so you can see how urgently your contributions are needed.
2006 Update: Temporarily unburdened of the conspiracies of the community, the malice of miscreants foreign and domestic, the loss of great loves, the infidelity of strangers, the expectations of coworkers, the ambitions of neighbors, the envy of friends, the curiosity of enemies, family secrets, an evacuated spleen and a full bladder.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Diagnosis
DIAGNOSIS, n. A physician's forecast of the disease by the patient's pulse and purse.
2006 Update: The prescription for the affliction of friend, colleague or neighbor.
2006 Update: The prescription for the affliction of friend, colleague or neighbor.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Special Ghost Wednesday
This week, please welcome my guest, Ambrose Bierce, this being the hallowe'en season according to the drugstore in my neighborhood. Monsieur Bierce was asked to demonstrate fables.
The Opossum of The Future
ONE day an Opossum who had gone to sleep hanging from the highest branch of a tree by the tail, awoke and saw a large Snake wound about the limb, between him and the trunk of the tree.
"If I hold on," he said to himself, "I shall be swallowed; if I let go I shall break my neck."
But suddenly he bethought himself to dissemble.
"My perfected friend," he said, "my parental instinct recognises in you a noble evidence and illustration of the theory of development. You are the Opossum of the Future, the ultimate Fittest Survivor of our species, the ripe result of progressive prehensility - all tail!"
But the Snake, proud of his ancient eminence in Scriptural history, was strictly orthodox, and did not accept the scientific view.
The Cat and The King
A CAT was looking at a King, as permitted by the proverb.
"Well," said the monarch, observing her inspection of the royal person, "how do you like me?"
"I can imagine a King," said the Cat, "whom I should like better."
"For example?"
"The King of the Mice."
The sovereign was so pleased with the wit of the reply that he gave her permission to scratch his Prime Minister's eyes out.
The Wolf Who Would Be A Lion
A FOOLISH Fellow who had been told that he was a great man believed it, and got himself appointed a Commissioner to the Interasylum Exposition of Preserved Idiots. At the first meeting of the Board he was mistaken for one of the exhibits, and the janitor was ordered to remove him to his appropriate glass case.
"Alas!" he exclaimed as he was carried out, "why was I not content to remain where the cut of my forehead is so common as to be known as the Pacific Slope?"
The Blotted Esctcheon And The Soiled Ermine
A BLOTTED Escutcheon, rising to a question of privilege, said:
"Mr. Speaker, I wish to hurl back an allegation and explain that the spots upon me are the natural markings of one who is a direct descendant of the sun and a spotted fawn. They come of no accident of character, but inhere in the divine order and constitution of things."
When the Blotted Escutcheon had resumed his seat a Soiled Ermine rose and said:
"Mr. Speaker, I have heard with profound attention and entire approval the explanation of the honourable member, and wish to offer a few remarks on my own behalf. I, too, have been foully calumniated by our ancient enemy, the Infamous Falsehood, and I wish to point out that I am made of the fur of the MUSTELA MACULATA, which is dirty from birth."
About Ambrose Bierce: Um, well, duh. Along with his famous Devil's Dictionary, and invective, Bierce was also a fabulous fabulist. On occassional Wednesday when the times and the morals call for it or I've otherwise forgotten to ask someone to guest here, some of the fables may appear here on Wednesdays. More can be found using the link on the right, last under "Ambrose Bierce Resources."
How to be a guest on this site: There are two options: One is to be a writer famous for invective, die and ferment for ninety years. The other is to email me at dpascover at mac dot com. On a future Wednesday, I'll email you with a word to define and ask you to return a satirical definition and at least one graphic representing you and or your definition by the following Saturday. The rules are: No profanity, no novels and whatever I make up at the last minute.
ONE day an Opossum who had gone to sleep hanging from the highest branch of a tree by the tail, awoke and saw a large Snake wound about the limb, between him and the trunk of the tree."If I hold on," he said to himself, "I shall be swallowed; if I let go I shall break my neck."
But suddenly he bethought himself to dissemble.
"My perfected friend," he said, "my parental instinct recognises in you a noble evidence and illustration of the theory of development. You are the Opossum of the Future, the ultimate Fittest Survivor of our species, the ripe result of progressive prehensility - all tail!"
But the Snake, proud of his ancient eminence in Scriptural history, was strictly orthodox, and did not accept the scientific view.
A CAT was looking at a King, as permitted by the proverb."Well," said the monarch, observing her inspection of the royal person, "how do you like me?"
"I can imagine a King," said the Cat, "whom I should like better."
"For example?"
"The King of the Mice."
The sovereign was so pleased with the wit of the reply that he gave her permission to scratch his Prime Minister's eyes out.
A FOOLISH Fellow who had been told that he was a great man believed it, and got himself appointed a Commissioner to the Interasylum Exposition of Preserved Idiots. At the first meeting of the Board he was mistaken for one of the exhibits, and the janitor was ordered to remove him to his appropriate glass case."Alas!" he exclaimed as he was carried out, "why was I not content to remain where the cut of my forehead is so common as to be known as the Pacific Slope?"
A BLOTTED Escutcheon, rising to a question of privilege, said:
"Mr. Speaker, I wish to hurl back an allegation and explain that the spots upon me are the natural markings of one who is a direct descendant of the sun and a spotted fawn. They come of no accident of character, but inhere in the divine order and constitution of things."
When the Blotted Escutcheon had resumed his seat a Soiled Ermine rose and said:
"Mr. Speaker, I have heard with profound attention and entire approval the explanation of the honourable member, and wish to offer a few remarks on my own behalf. I, too, have been foully calumniated by our ancient enemy, the Infamous Falsehood, and I wish to point out that I am made of the fur of the MUSTELA MACULATA, which is dirty from birth."
About Ambrose Bierce: Um, well, duh. Along with his famous Devil's Dictionary, and invective, Bierce was also a fabulous fabulist. On occassional Wednesday when the times and the morals call for it or I've otherwise forgotten to ask someone to guest here, some of the fables may appear here on Wednesdays. More can be found using the link on the right, last under "Ambrose Bierce Resources."
How to be a guest on this site: There are two options: One is to be a writer famous for invective, die and ferment for ninety years. The other is to email me at dpascover at mac dot com. On a future Wednesday, I'll email you with a word to define and ask you to return a satirical definition and at least one graphic representing you and or your definition by the following Saturday. The rules are: No profanity, no novels and whatever I make up at the last minute.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Dawn
DAWN, n. The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have tried it.
2006 Update: A new day's first ray of doubt.
2006 Update: A new day's first ray of doubt.
Monday, October 09, 2006
Dissemble
DISSEMBLE, v.i. To put a clean shirt upon the character.
Let us dissemble. -Adam.2006 Update: To camoflage frailty beneath a veil of folly.
Saturday, October 07, 2006
Becoming
Story #65, in which we find Doug in Germany looking for 1982.
To hear the story, walk the lonely streets of Marburg.
To read the story, visit city hall.
This week in The Prattler, "The Foley Follies"to be published around noon East Coast time.
To hear the story, walk the lonely streets of Marburg.
To read the story, visit city hall.
This week in The Prattler, "The Foley Follies"to be published around noon East Coast time.
Friday, October 06, 2006
Benevolence
BENEVOLENCE, n. Subscribing five dollars toward the relief of one's aged grandfather in the alms house, and publishing it in the newspaper.
2006 Update: A vote to re-elect.
Felicitaciones por tu antiguedad, Papi Brujo
2006 Update: A vote to re-elect.
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