Sunshine

Story #64, in which a schoolteacher makes a difference.

To hear the story, give praise for the morning.








To read the story, give praise for the singing.

This week in The Prattler, "Hall of Kings."



And Happy Birthday to Jenna Mooney née Pascover!

Gambling

GAMBLING, n. A pastime in which the pleasure consists partly in the consciousness of advantages gained for oneself, but mainly in the contemplation of another's loss.

2006 Update: Forgoing a chance.

Giraffe

GIRAFFE, n. An animal that loves to bathe its fevered brow in the mists of dizzy altitudes, and supplies its own pinnacle for the occasion, whence it overlooks you like a step-ladder.

2006 Update: A sagging koala.

Special Guest Sar, Vol. II

This week, welcome back Sar, the Belle of The Brawl. Sar was asked to define Optimistic, a word I've had much curiosity about and little hope of ever understanding.

OPTIMISTIC, adj. 1. To opt for glasses that are half full as opposed to rosey colored.

About Sar: Well, it's hard to know where to start since all of you know her already. But I'll tell you to start with, it isn't just anybody I'd drive out to Palmdale to meet in person, especially over a meal. Of sausage and cheese and eggs and stuff. Melted goodness. Where was I? OK, I'd go to Palmdale to meet a fly for breakfast but it isn't everybody I can listen to for three hours straight and not check the time. That's a more elite crowd and Sar's on that list right up high. Sar has been part of the core of what makes this site all the best things it is for more than a year, never failing to make us all laugh with a wit that's sometimes sharper than stiletto heel and sometimes blunter than the toe.

When many of us first met Sar, she wrote on her brother, Strider's blog Sound Destruction. Her posts were mostly touching tales of her family or snarky rants about the government. When she started her own blog, Belle of The Brawl all and sundry agreed it was the perfect title. Belle of The Brawl has since become one of the funnest and most interactive sites on the internet featuring guest posts on Friday, wordplay on Wednesday and the caption contest every Monday. During the week the hush you hear across the internet comes from caption contest aspirants hoping for a nomination and a few votes. Most of us sob just from coming in third. The occasional rant Sar still publishes as the mood takes her and time allows still inspire big old brawls. But then, you all know all this so I'll wrap up thanking Sar for being a great friend to many, for writing a singular blog and for doing an occasional guest turn here. Oh, and 47.

Sar inaugurated the Wednesday Guest as a regular feature with this post and took time out of her birthday weekend to appear in this story.

And it's a double guest Wednesday. While Sar does the heavy lifting here, I'm riding Pia's coattails at Courting Destiny.

How to be a guest on this site: To be anointed, I will need your email address and permission. So, were you to send an email to dpascover at mac dot com and say in the subject line something like "OK, ok I'll do it," that would definitely work unless I thought it was spam and deleted it. On an upcoming Wednesday, after posting that week's guest I would then send you an email with a word not in The Devil's Dictionary which you could then spend the next three days writing a definition for and return to me with a graphic or two of your choosing. The only rules are no profanity, no novels and anything else I make up. If you've done this before, I may ask you again if you're around a lot. If you've done this before and not been heard form since, just let me know that you want to be a guest and then disappear again.

Aberration

ABERRATION, n. Any deviation in another from one's own habit of thought, not sufficient in itself to constitute insanity.

2006 Update: Traffic slow enough to cause tardiness.

Geology

GEOLOGY, n. The science of the earth's crust — to which, doubtless, will be added that of its interior whenever a man shall come up garrulous out of a well. The geological formations of the globe already noted are catalogued thus: The Primary, or lower one, consists of rocks, bones of mired mules, gas-pipes, miners' tools, antique statues minus the nose, Spanish doubloons and ancestors. The Secondary is largely made up of red worms and moles. The Tertiary comprises railway tracks, patent pavements, grass, snakes, mouldy boots, beer bottles, tomato cans, intoxicated citizens, garbage, anarchists, snap-dogs and fools.

2006 Update: The chosen science of interest to shy scientists, literature students and the ox in the field. Psychiatry of stones. The study of the inanimate by the barely.

Happy reluctant birthday to the beautifully preserved Puppybrose! Thanks, Joel, I hope Neva enjoys her birthday as much as I'm about to.

Mighty Fortress

Story #63, in which a poor beggar seeks grace.

To hear the story, ask pray at the tower.








To read, come to the church door.

This week in The Prattler, Global Gothic.

Preposterous

PREPOSTEROUS, adj. The idea that murder is a crime.

2006 Update: Contrary.

Postscript

POSTSCRIPT, n. The only portion of a lady's letter which you need read, if you are in a hurry.

2006 Update: The part of a personal letter following the flattery.

P.S. The editor of this site is not responsible for the misogyny of M. Bierce. Women are.

Special Secret Agent

This week, please help me welcome S.A.C.A.D.A. as a special guest.

S.A.C.A.D.A. was asked to define By-laws.

BY-LAWS, Mister Pascova said I shuold define "by-laws" so i will do it for him becaus eviryone says hes a nice man. By Laws are very importand for everyone in a club who is not the president of the club so they know what the president wants them to do, that is part of civlizahshun because animals dont know how to read by-laws. They only growl and then they bite each other to.

I had a club that was the Twilight Zone club then I wrote down the bylaws for evryone in the club. My mother broght computer paper from work so i could write the by laws on computer paper. I wrot one copie for me so i could post it when the internett was invented.

I can prove the by-laws was impordant becaus me and Howard who was Geniril Helper in the club had a arguement about somthing and this was in the late summer so he tried to hit me with a hoe and i got mad and didnt talk to him the rest of the sumer and autum even thouhg we lived in the same apartmeant house, Then it was winter and I was biulding the bigest snowball of all time. I rolled it until it was bigger than i was and we called the newspaper and they wanted to send a reportor to take a picure. And I tryed to make it biger and Howard came to help me and we roled it together and was friends agian.

So if I did not have by-laws I wouldnt a known when I had to be mad at Howard. And Im sorry I wrote in the bylaw book that he was roten because we started being freinds again.

About S.A.C.A.D.A.: A while back, I was reading The Synchronicity of Indeterminacy when a chrono-synclastic infundibulum opened up and an 11-year-old from the 1970s crawled out. Now, at Indeterminacy's site things like that are no big deal. Happens all the time. But this 11-year-old from another era seemed so proper, wholesome and conventional, he naturally reminded me of Indie. Wondering if the two might be related I clicked some links and it turned out S.A.C.A.D.A. is Indie.

S.A.C.A.D.A. has other accomplishments as well. He is the president of The Twilight Zone Club, and it's successor S.A.C.A.D.A. (Secret Agents Crusading Against Demolition Agents.) An accomplished young man and patriotic American, he is also the author and illustrator of The Story Book of Trils and Chills and Excitement. So much potential. Kind of heart-breaking, really. With all of his extracurricular activities, his grades are actually kind of impressive. Clearly, this was a lad destined to be a leader.

Just a little over a year ago our time and about thirty years from now his time, S.A.C.A.D.A. was/will be a guest on this site and provided/will provide the inspiration for the next-to-last chapter in a story that really needed to end.

How to be a future guest on this site: Just send an email to dpascover at mac dot com. On a future Wednesday, after posting that week's guest, I'll send you an email with a word to define. You'll be expected to return your definition along with a graphic representing either your definition or yourself by the following Saturday. The only rules are no profanity and no novels, please. And whatever I make up at the last minute.

I will be contacting previous guests who regularly comment here to repeat in no particular order. Previous guests who haven't been much heard from since their guest post should recontact if they would like to repeat.

Positive

POSITIVE, adj. Mistaken at the top of one's voice.

2006 Update: Compliant with advice to the lovelorn, languishing and lost. Three days sober.

Promiscuous

PROMISCUOUS, adj. San Francisco society.

2006 Update: Newsworthy.

The Mad Chemist of Calgary

Story #62, in which a soft-spoken scientist takes her revenge.

To hear the story, ask the chemist if she takes cream.







For the silent version, ask Maria if anything's the matter.

This week in The Prattler, "Restoration."

Refreshing

REFRESHING, adj. Meeting a man who believes all he reads in the papers.

2006 Update: Corrosive.

Reach

REACH, n. The radius of action of the human hand. The area within which it is possible (and customary) to gratify directly the propensity to provide.

This is a truth, as old as the hills,
That life and experience teach:
The poor man suffers that keenest of ills,
An impediment of his reach.
—G.J.

2006 Update: The distance within which all are blind and each is invisible.

Special Guest Twin

This week, my guest is my separated-at-birth twin sister, Aral Peppermint Patty Pez. AP3 was asked to define Burnout some more.

BURNOUT, n. 1. Physical or emotional exhaustion, especially as a result of masochism. 2. One who is worn out physically or emotionally, as from self-abusive scheduling. Symptoms of: a.) looking at calendar in week-long increments induces crying, fainting, or panic attacks, while looking at calendar in month-long increments induces nervous breakdowns or Swedish Fish binging; b.) definitions as Doug's guest are distinctly lacking in humor.


The AP3-DP Coincidence:
Aral's first home was the city next to the one Doug went to High School in and she went to High School in the State next to Doug's first home.
Aral was in the special forces and Doug is in special education.
Aral's a Red Sox fan and Doug likes the World Champion Chicago White Sox.
Aral dreams of bunny butts and Doug imagines with hare brains.
The average of Aral's and Doug's marriages are both gender neutral.
Aral and Doug were both born late to the crib and early to the suppertable.
Aral graduated from Cornell University and Doug was banished from there.
Aral and Doug both climbed a volcano in what they remembered as 1991.
Aral blew Strayhorn and Doug threw horned strays.
Aral's a minister and Doug's Mister Sinister.
Aral and Doug both can be traced to Herbie The Love Bug and the Nobel Prize in 6 degrees of separation.
Aral's a lesbian Unitarian vegetarian and Doug a plebian contrarian ex-agrarian.
Ms. P3 drives a bug and Brother P was born a Doug.

Surely this means something.

Last August, AP3 made her first guest appearance (click here) and was the character behind the very first fiction story on this site.

How to be a future guest on this site: Just send an email to dpascover at mac dot com. On a future Wednesday, after posting that week's guest, I'll send you an email with a word to define. You'll be expected to return your definition along with a graphic representing either your definition or yourself by the following Saturday. The only rules are no profanity and no novels, please. And whatever I make up at the last minute.

I will be contacting previous guests who regularly comment here to repeat in no particular order. Previous guests who haven't been much heard from since their guest post should recontact if they would like to repeat.

Rebel

REBEL, n. A proponent of a new misrule who has failed to establish it.

2006 Update: A free-thinker unwilling to heed the reins of conventionality or the brakes of tradition, halting only for the obstinacy within according to the latest fashion.

I have the privilege today of having a guest post on Courting Destiny. I think more people see Courting Destiny in a day than have ever read Waking Ambrose, so, please, try to make me look cool. Does anyone out there know how to tie a windsor knot?

Reverence

REVERENCE, n. The spiritual attitude of a man to a god and a dog to a man.

2006 Update: A suspension of cynicism. Chewing quietly while another orates.

By the way, our friend Sar just couldn't help herself and interrupted her blogging vacation for a post about commemorating the World Trade Center and cetera. Those whom today's date inspires to piety may not want to read it, or spend much time with me today, either.

Joe Blow!

#61, in which Doug learns that after three weeks in Australia he's still not Steve Irwin

To hear the story, Say hello to my leetle friends



Minka, you still may not want to hear the story.




To read the story, give him a bath.

This week in The Prattler, a "Reliable and Probative."


Addendum (for AP3) below

Elysium

ELYSIUM, n. An imaginary delightful country which the ancients foolishly believed to be inhabited by the spirits of the good. This ridiculous and mischievous fable was swept off the face of the earth by the early Christians — may their souls be happy in Heaven!

2006 Update: A paradise in which heroes, the wholesome, the hospitable and honest can enjoy the acclaim of mortals without disordering our plans.

P.S. I believe Schiller's An Die Freude includes a reference to Elysium. Does anyone remember how that goes?

Endear

ENDEAR, v.t. To procure for yourself, or bestow upon another, the ability to do a favor.

The friendship of Crocker I tenderly prize-
I wear many kinds of his collars.
He's endeared to my heart by the sacred ties
Of a thousand accessible dollars.*
- Rare Ben. Truman

2006 Update: To marinate.

*Note: Crocker was a railroad baron in California who once offered to pay Bierce if he would stop writing columns about $73 million in unpaid taxes that Crocker owed. Bierce responded publicly, offering to accept a bribe of $73 million and suggesting if he weren't at home, Crocker could just leave the check with Bierce's dear friend, the Secretary of the United States Treasury. Such practice is archaic, as contemporary journalistic ethics now require discrete billing.

Paso Por Aqui

OK, so the world's 10,000th most meticulous blogger forgot to ask someone to be a guest this week. Then I saw this so this week, I'll be the guest and Kyah will be the guest host. Anyone who says "Pretty please" can be trusted as a host, I think.

1. One book you have read more than once.

Lonesome Dove, by Larry McMurtry I've read several times until Blue Duck, the murderous comanchero, started reminding me of the guy at the convenience store down the street.

One book you would want on a desert island.

Go Tell It On The Mountain, by James Baldwin because I've started it three times and each time left my copy on the bus when I was halfway done. If I were stuck on an island, I could blame crabs or a wave.

One book that made you laugh.

In Cold Blood, by Truman Capote. OK, how about Chronicle of a Death Foretold, by Gabriel Garcia Marquez.

One book that made you cry.

Winnie The Pooh, by A.A. Milne. I'm sorry but the way Winnie treats the honey pot makes me weep for all the love I've offered in this world that was stirred into tea and forgotten.

One book I wish I had written.

You tell me. If you had asked me I'd have said A Confederacy of Dunces, by John Kennedy Toole, just to continue the cycle.

One book you wish had never been written.

Alexander And The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, by Judith Viorst and Ray Cruz (Thanks, Puppybrose) I might have grown up to be cheerful. It wasn't too late.

One book that I am currently reading.

Midnight Blue Noon, by Dorene Lorenz.

One book I have meant to read.

The Picture of Dorian Gray, by Oscar Wilde. I'm at that age.

One book that changed your life.

Black Boy, by Richard Wright. I remember reading it and thinking that I could see Wright's childhood world as if I'd been there and his only friend, only to reach the scene where he went to the library and read Riders of The Purple Sage by Zane Grey and recorded being amazed that through books you could live a different life. Wright was inspired by Grey to become a writer and inspired me to stay a reader.

Tagging. I don't tag. I think Memes are the devil's marketing survey. OK, Jenna Howard.

The Wednesday Guest feature will return next week. If you'd like to be a guest on this site on an upcoming Wednesday, please send an email to dpascover at mac dot com and just let me know. On or about the Wednesday before you are featured, I will send you a word for satirical definition which I will hope to see the following Saturday with a graphic. No profanity or novels are appreciated. Previous guests who continue to show up often may be asked again at any time so no relaxing.

Envy

ENVY, n. The feeling hat provokes a preacher to denounce the Adversary.

I curse you, Jack Satan, in horns and in hoof,
For you're a competing divine,
And the souls you pull into your pit are proof
That your pull-pit is bigger than mine.

2006 Update: The admiration one finds for the greed of another and the burdens that rest on their back. The pleasure one seeks in knowing the secret that white's heart, in the darkness, is revealed to be black.

Slang

SLANG, n. The grunt of the human hog (Pignoramus intolerabilis) with an audible memory. The speech of one who utters with his tongue what he thinks with his ear, and feels the pride of a creator in accomplishing the feat of a parrot. A means (under Providence) of setting up as a wit without a capital of sense.

2006 Update: Language disapproved of in archaic speech and clucks.

Today on Doug Drones On, a story in verse contributed by a new friend, the Old Mule.

Still Life with Apples

#60, in which a slow fella chases a fast girl.

To hear the story, tap the amphora









To read the story, catch the bird.

This week in The Prattler, a "Green Piece."

Nonsense

NONSENSE, n. The objections that are urged against this excellent dictionary.

2006 Update: The first draft of a speech or the second of prophesy.

Rabbit, Rabbit!

And a special Rabbit, Rabbit to the birthday Bobo