Tuesday, September 07, 2010

Father

FATHER, n. A quarter-master and commissary of subsistence provided by nature for our maintenance in the period before we have learned to live by prey.

2010 Update: A vestige of man's antewikipedian evolution, functioning now primarily as a repository for jokes, the punchlines for which are held in a separate vessel.

17 comments:

the amoeba said...

FATHER, n. Family man - his principal contribution to that family being to stay as fa, fa away as possible. Lest he be driven away in the manner of the wild beasts, for whom a near father merely competes for scarce resources. The couch, for instance.

TLP said...

Father: male half of a set that exchanges all their money for diapers, baby food, school supplies, college, the list is endless. It's a wonderful life. Really.

Ariel the Thief said...

Father, always the question, huh?

Ariel the Thief said...

LOL TLP!!

actonbell said...

Hey, this isn't in my copy. I must have the abridged edition.

father--sometimes used as a threat, such as "wait 'til your father gets home," although I seem to remember that wasn't quite the scenario we had goin' when I was a child...

sauerkraut said...

Father, a man of time.

Nicole said...

Sorry, can't comment, still looking up some words from this post in the dictionary,...
;)

karen a. said...

To hell with Ambrose Bierce. Now I only believe The Onion America's Finest News Source.

Thom said...

FATHER, n. - Some, mine at the head of the list, just are sp..m donors

karen a. said...

Spasm?

Nessa said...

Father: We must check with Maury, Jerry or Montel to really know for sure.

quilly said...

The word father has as many different personalities as the men who bear it and any definition given to it is inadequate and subject to circumstantial change. In other words, what Nessa said.

Anonymous said...

father knows best
married with children
leave it to beaver
all in the family

peace

Doug said...

Amoeba, the couch is precisely the seat of intergenerational conflict.

TLP, is there a better bargain than birth control?

Momma's baby, daddy's maybe, Ariel?

Good for you, Actonbell! Actually, I use the enlarged version that E.J. Hopkins put together by adding other definitions he found that Bierce had written. If I were using the original version, this blog would have ended more than a year ago instead of two months from now.

Yes, Saurkraut, but it's a grandfather whose time is spent watching the clock.

Sorry about that Nicole. I sometimes make them up, too, it's only fair to mention.

Karen, that is a fine news source.

Thom, you don't have to be much of a man to become a father, do you? Just FYI, you didn't need the asterices.

Karen, I'm sure that's what he meant.

Nessa, depends which truck stop you hang out at.

Quilly, the longer a definition gets the more it depends.

Bear, those are the only four kinds.

Thom said...

Thanks...but when you are just a sperm donor you are NO father at all. :)

karen a. said...

Doug, I reckon Thom didn't mean spasm. He quite clearly meant to say sperm.

Ariel the Thief said...

Thom, I used to agree with that but then I thought of it: nature will make a father of any fool can carry forward the information, who am I to argue? ;)