Friday, September 10, 2010


FEMALE, n. One of the opposing, or unfair, sex.
The Maker, at Creation's birth,
With living things had stocked the earth.
From elephants to bats and snails,
They all were good, for all were males.
But when the Devil came and saw
He said: "By Thine eternal law
Of growth, maturity, decay,
These all must quickly pass away
And leave untenanted the earth
Unless Thou dost establish birth" —
Then tucked his head beneath his wing
To laugh — he had no sleeve — the thing
With deviltry did so accord,
That he'd suggested to the Lord.
The Master pondered this advice,
Then shook and threw the fateful dice
Wherewith all matters here below
Are ordered, and observed the throw;
Then bent His head in awful state,
Confirming the decree of Fate.
From every part of earth anew
The conscious dust consenting flew,
While rivers from their courses rolled
To make it plastic for the mould.
Enough collected (but no more,
For niggard Nature hoards her store)
He kneaded it to flexible clay,
While Nick unseen threw some away.
And then the various forms He cast,
Gross organs first and finer last;
No one at once evolved, but all
By even touches grew and small
Degrees advanced, till, shade by shade,
To match all living things He'd made
Females, complete in all their parts
Except (His clay gave out) the hearts.
"No matter," Satan cried; "with speed
I'll fetch the very hearts they need" —
So flew away and soon brought back
The number needed, in a sack.
That night earth range with sounds of strife —
Ten million males each had a wife;
That night sweet Peace her pinions spread
O'er Hell — ten million devils dead!
2010 Update: The portion of a species that produces eggs, and egg shells.


TLP said...

Ah! You are saying that the devil is more clever and can actually trick God.

We'll just add that to the list of things for which you will be burning in hell.

TLP said...

And besides, God made Eve first.

"And God created woman. And she was good. And she had two arms, two legs, and three breasts. God asked woman what she would like to have changed about herself. And she asked for her middle breast to be removed. God removed her middle breast. And it was good. She stood there with her third breast in her hand and asked God what should be done with this useless boob?..... And God created Man."

Ariel the Thief said...

Female, the direction.

actonbell said...

Hmm, I heard somewhere that God does not play dice.

Anonymous said...

FEMALE, n. - The boss in most households :)

karen a. said...

2010 Update: Huevos Rancheros

Anonymous said...

to take on qualities of mate

not sure if my mind is made up,reserve the right to change
as i see

Jim said...

The nuts and bolts of this situation: all the nuts are female.

TLP said...

Jim: all the screw(ups) are male.

TLP said...

Except for Douglas. And any other male who visits this blog.

EsotericWombat said...

Well phew. I'm glad I clicked over today.

Female: To be either the ideal of virtue or the cause of all earthly problems, depending on the weather.

Doug said...

TLP, Bierce hast said it. But I'm considering a deathbed conversion to Unitarianism as a hedge.

To which the compass points, Ariel?

Actonbell, that was Einstein. Hardly reliable as a biologist.

Thom, Walela runs this place with an iron paw.

Rancheras, Karen.

Bear, I'm only one video in, but Bob Seger is always a good choice. Night Moves would be apt for this word.

Or in female hands, Jim?

TLP, that was unusually cowardly for you.

Womby, this is the day you want to be here. The direction of the wind makes all the difference.

TLP said...

Well, I'm feelin' all nostalgic in advance for the blog. Like that.

The fear of absence does make the heart grow fonder.