A leaf was riven from a tree,2010 Update: To offer destiny a consideration.
"I mean to fall to earth," said he.
The west wind, rising, made him veer.
"Eastward," said he, "I now shall steer."
The east wind rose with greater force.
Said he: "'Twere wise to change my course."
With equal power they contend.
He said: "My judgment I suspend."
Down died the winds; the leaf, elate,
Cried: "I've decided to fall straight."
"First thoughts are best?" That's not the moral;
Just choose your own and we'll not quarrel.
Howe'er your choice may chance to fall,
You'll have no hand in it at all.
—G.J.
PIG, n. An animal (porcus omnivorus) closely allied to the human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope, for it sticks at pig."Behold great Daubert's picture here on view —2010 Update: A visible fiction.
Taken from Life." If that description's true,
Grant, heavenly Powers, that I be taken, too.
—Jali Hane
But whether the plan of immersion2010 Update: A prophylactic against the punishment for sins still to be perpetrated.
Is better than simple aspersion
Let those immersed
And those aspersed
Decide by the Authorized Version,
And by matching their agues tertian.
—G.J.
By heaven forsaken2010 Update: The portion on which a hog may sleep and a man might dream.
By justice o'ertaken
He saved his bacon
By cutting a single slice of it;
For 'twas cut from the throat,
And we venture to quote
Death, hell and the grave as the price of it.
S.F. Journal of Commerce
"I'm great," the lion said-"I reign
The monarch of the wood and plain!"
The elephant replied: "I'm great-
No quadruped can match my weight!"
"I'm great- no animal has half
So long a neck!" said the Giraffe.
"I'm great," the kangaroo said-"SeeMy caudal muscularity!""The Possum said: "I'm great-behold,My tail is lithe and bald and cold!""An Oyster fried was understoodTo say "I'm great because I'm good!"Each reckons greatness to consistIn that in which he heads the list.And Harris thinks he tops his classBecause he is the greatest Ass.
Hey, diddle, diddle!2010 Update: A small Italian city notable for her prominent religious figures and renaissance culture, and so indistinguishable from other small Italian cities.
The cat got the fiddle,
The cow jumped over the moon,
But the little do stayed
To hear the thing played,
And died of the very first tune.
April rains are essential to June harvests.W.C. Bartlett
When first society was founded,It was discovered as time sped,That men of sense and taste abounded,But they were mostly dead.While, of the women fitted to adornThe social circle, few had yet been born.Those, then, that met were rather lonelyAnd scarce could call themselves "our set";So they, to swell their numbers only,Invented etiquette,And said "Such fools as will observe these rulesMay meet us, though they're all the greater fools."Straightaway the fools then fell to studyThe laws of conduct a la mode,And though their minds were somewhat muddyThey soon had learned the code.Then seeing its authors hadn't, plainly told themThey'd make society too hot to hold them.
Thou shalt no God but me adore:2010 Update: The ten commandments as described by scholarly atheists who observe the laws in failure rather than in speech.
'Twere too expensive to have more.
No images nor idols make
For Robert Ingersoll to break.
Take not God's name in vain; select
A time when it will have effect.
Work not on Sabbath days at all,
But go to see the teams play ball.
Honor thy parents. That creates
For life insurance lower rates.
Kill not, abet not those who kill
Thou shalt not pay thy butcher's bill.
Kiss not thy neighbor's wife, unless
Thine own thy neighbor doth caress
Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete
Successfully in business. Cheat.
Bear not false witness — that is low —
But "hear 'tis rumored so and so."
Covet thou naught that thou hast not
By hook or crook, or somehow, got.
—G.J.
I hauled my ol' gal off the porchAs, pent in an aquarium, the troutlet2010 Update: Consent and cement.
Swims round and round his tank to find an outlet,
Pressing his nose against the glass that holds him,
Nor ever sees the prison that enfolds him;
So the poor debtor, seeing naught around him,
Yet feels the narrow limits that impound him,
Grieves at his debt and studies to evade it,
And finds at last he might as well have paid it.
—Barlow S. Vode
Done with the work of breathing; done2010 Update: Concise.
With all the world; the mad race run
Through to the end, the golden goal
Attained-amd found to be a hole!
Ignoble end to all the strife!
To lie as ne'er we lay in life,
with legs uncomfortably straight
And rigid fixity of pate,
{ierced through and through by worms that live
To make, with needless skill, a sieve
Out of our skin, to sift our dust.
Vain labor! at the last they just
Bolt us unbolted till they bu'st!
-Squatol Johnes
The Maker, at Creation's birth,2010 Update: The portion of a species that produces eggs, and egg shells.
With living things had stocked the earth.
From elephants to bats and snails,
They all were good, for all were males.
But when the Devil came and saw
He said: "By Thine eternal law
Of growth, maturity, decay,
These all must quickly pass away
And leave untenanted the earth
Unless Thou dost establish birth" —
Then tucked his head beneath his wing
To laugh — he had no sleeve — the thing
With deviltry did so accord,
That he'd suggested to the Lord.
The Master pondered this advice,
Then shook and threw the fateful dice
Wherewith all matters here below
Are ordered, and observed the throw;
Then bent His head in awful state,
Confirming the decree of Fate.
From every part of earth anew
The conscious dust consenting flew,
While rivers from their courses rolled
To make it plastic for the mould.
Enough collected (but no more,
For niggard Nature hoards her store)
He kneaded it to flexible clay,
While Nick unseen threw some away.
And then the various forms He cast,
Gross organs first and finer last;
No one at once evolved, but all
By even touches grew and small
Degrees advanced, till, shade by shade,
To match all living things He'd made
Females, complete in all their parts
Except (His clay gave out) the hearts.
"No matter," Satan cried; "with speed
I'll fetch the very hearts they need" —
So flew away and soon brought back
The number needed, in a sack.
That night earth range with sounds of strife —
Ten million males each had a wife;
That night sweet Peace her pinions spread
O'er Hell — ten million devils dead!
—G.J.
A brief lie intended to illustrate some important truth. A statue of Eve and the Apple was accosted by a hippopotamus on a show-bill.
"Give me a bite of your apple," said the hippopotamous, "and see me smile."
"I would," said Eve, making a rough estimate of the probable dimensions of the smile, "but I have promised a bite to the Mammoth Cave, another to the crater of Vesuvius, and a third to the interval between the lowest anthropoid Methodist and the most highly organized wooden Indian. I must be just before I am generous."
Once upon a time, a baby mouse left his home to seek the advice of a very wise sparrow. He eluded the cat, and braved the streets and darted from bush to bush avoiding wolves and foxes and finally reached the nest of the wise sparrow on a long thin bough of a tall, tall tree. The sparrow was not home, so the little mouse waited and waited patiently until a sudden gale pulled him from the bough and threw him over a cliff. Back at home his little mousie mother finally had time to study latin and prepare for her next litter.
Moral: Only a fool seeks wisdom without knowing what he'll find.
Among the Anglo-Saxon a subject conceiving himself wronged by the king was permitted, on proving his injury, to beat a brazen image of the royal offender with a switch that was afterward applied to his own naked back. The latter rite was performed by the public hangman, and it assured moderation in the plaintiff's choice of a switch.2010 Update: v.t. To correct injustice by replacing its outer garment.
We must awake Man's spirit from his sin,2010 Update: The remittance of murder, theft, treason, gossip, indolence, conspiracy, cruelty and other sins in deference to the sinner's theological accuracy.
And take some special measure for redeeming it;
Though hard indeed the task to get it in
Among the angels any way but teaming it,
Or purify it otherwise than steaming it.
I'm awkward at Redemption — a beginner:
My method is to crucify the sinner.
—Golgo Brone
Fresh from the farm or factory or street,2010 Update: v.t. To fool by example.
His marching, in pursuit or in retreat,
Were an impressive martial spectacle
Except for two impediments — his feet.
—Thompson Johnson
"There is no art," says Shakespeare, foolish man,
"To read the mind's construction in the face."
The physiognomists his portrait scan,
And say: "How little wisdom here we trace!
He knew his face disclosed his mind and heart,
So, in his own defence, denied our art."
—Lavatar Shunk
Facilis descensus Averni,The poet remarks; and the senseOf it is that when down-hill I turn IWill get more punches than pence.Jehal Dai Lupe
O Avernus, thy mirrored waters shew mine face and God's sky,I trust thou'lt carry both under whene'er I die.-Narcissus Smytheberry
When I was young the world was fair2010 Update: One whose span exceeds her grasp. A 47-year-old.
And amiable and sunny.
A brightness was in all the air,
In all the waters, honey.
The jokes were fine and funny,
The statesmen honest in their views,
And in their lives, as well,
And when you heard a bit of news
'Twas true enough to tell.
Men were not ranting, shouting, reeking,
Nor women "generally speaking."
The Summer then was long indeed:
It lasted one whole season!
The sparkling Winter gave no heed
When ordered by Unreason
To bring the early peas on.
Now, where the dickens is the sense
In calling that a year
Which does no more than just commence
Before the end is near?
When I was young the year extended
From month to month until it ended.
I know not why the world has changed
To something dark and dreary,
And everything is now arranged
To make a fellow weary.
The Weather Man — I fear he
Has much to do with it, for, sure,
The air is not the same:
It chokes you when it is impure,
When pure it makes you lame.
With windows closed you are asthmatic;
Open, neuralgic or sciatic.
Well, I suppose this new regime
Of dun degeneration
Seems eviler than it would seem
To a better observation,
And has for compensation
Some blessings in a deep disguise
Which mortal sight has failed
To pierce, although to angels' eyes
They're visible unveiled.
If Age is such a boon, good land!
He's costumed by a master hand!—Venable Strigg
When I was young and spirits holy,The earth revolved for my sake solelyBut as I've since grown lined and grayThe world has turned another way,Corrupt with greed and debauchery-Nothing that it learned from me!Cruel people with mendacious friends,The missionary who now lends,Among these, senior to an elephantAt last aware, now I'm irrelevant.-Anne Bronte
Once I seen a human ruin2010 Update: An invention of Elisha Otis for the purpose that the descent of man not be accelerated by the descent of men.
In an elevator-well,
And his members was bestrewin'
All the place where he had fell.
And I says, apostrophisin'
That uncommon woful wreck:
"Your position's so surprisin'
That I tremble for your neck!"
Then that ruin, smilin' sadly
And impressive, up and spoke:
"Well, I wouldn't tremble badly,
For it's been a fortnight broke."
Then, for further comprehension
Of his attitude, he begs
I will focus my attention
On his various arms and legs —
How they all are contumacious;
Where they each, respective, lie;
How one trotter proves ungracious,
T'other one an alibi.
These particulars is mentioned
For to show his dismal state,
Which I wasn't first intentioned
To specifical relate.
None is worser to be dreaded
That I ever have heard tell
Than the gent's who there was spreaded
In that elevator-well.
Now this tale is allegoric —
It is figurative all,
For the well is metaphoric
And the feller didn't fall.
I opine it isn't moral
For a writer-man to cheat,
And despise to wear a laurel
As was gotten by deceit.
For 'tis Politics intended
By the elevator, mind,
It will boost a person splendid
If his talent is the kind.
Col. Bryan had the talent
(For the busted man is him)
And it shot him up right gallant
Till his head begun to swim.
Then the rope it broke above him
And he painful come to earth
Where there's nobody to love him
For his detrimented worth.
Though he's livin' none would know him,
Or at leastwise not as such.
Moral of this woful poem:
Frequent oil your safety-clutch.
—Porfer Poog
